Bankruptcy court has come knocking.
Bankruptcy court has come knocking. Lester Black

Tough times for Tim: The world's smallest violin is playing for car-tab tax troll Tim Eyman. He will have to pay $270,000 in fines and attorney fees according to a plan by a bankruptcy court judge by April 19. In total, Eyman "owes more than $340,000 in contempt sanctions and related costs," the Seattle Times reports. He's only paid $60,000 of that.

Get used to staying inside: Experts say that we should expect to remain socially distant through May. According to KING5, experts recommend a unified approach to ending socially distancing—none of this state-by-state bullshit. So, it doesn't matter if we've flattened our curve to death if there are still bodies piling up in the streets of New York.

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Trump thinks Gary Locke is a Chinese official: In Trump's latest Joe Biden attack ad, the Trump team has cut together a series of clips showing Biden interacting with Chinese officials, suggesting that Biden supports China in the time of the COVID-19 pandemic. Or, as Trump calls it, the "China virus." Anyway, mixed in with these clips of Biden meeting with actually Chinese officials is Biden meeting with former Washington Governor Gary Locke.

Have you seen this hornet? Washington State University needs the public's help tracking down the Asian giant hornet. It's an invasive species and likes to feast on honeybees. “It’s a shockingly large hornet,” a WSU entomologist said. Its lifecycle begins in April. Go here to report a sighting.

One Chicago man may have infected 16 people: When he went to a dinner, a birthday party, and a funeral. Three of those people later died, the CDC found.

She's testing us: Mother Nature is a cruel mistress. Remember! The parks close tonight through Monday morning. Stay strong out there. Or, rather, in there.

Give us the plastic-eating enzyme: Researchers have found—wait, sorry—created a new enzyme that can break down plastic bottles in a matter of hours. That will help our big recycling problem. But the enzyme won't be available on an industrial scale until 2025.

Bodies are being buried in trenches: On New York City's Hart Island. More than 7,000 people in the state have died. Funeral homes are overwhelmed, hospital morgues are full, there's nowhere else for these bodies to go. The hope is that this is temporary. But, it may be the only option.

Postponed Olympics also might not happen: Reality is becoming ever bleaker. The CEO of the Tokyo Games hinted in an announcement that he wasn't sure the postponed-to-2021 games would go on next year. “I don’t think anyone would be able to say if it is going to be possible to get it under control by next July or not," he said.

Dismal stats for Metropolitan Transportation Authority workers: MTA workers in New York City have been hit hard by COVID-19.

Don't be like these jokers: "Police have made two arrests after two men were seen on CCTV licking their hands and wiping them over vegetables, meat and fridge handles in a supermarket."

This guy's girlfriend hid his beans: Should he break up with her?

Redfin makes some cuts: The Seattle-based real estate firm is cutting 7% of its workforce and furloughing hundreds of field agents—about 41 percent of them.

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Hey buddy, whatever works for you: Driver caught doing 130mph claimed he was trying to avoid catching coronavirus

Australian ICUs see an uptick in burn patients: A bunch of new home cooks is clogging ICUs down under. These are the dangers of lockdown!!! Watch a YouTube tutorial before you cook, damn.

This broadcaster found a new sport to narrate in lockdown: Sorry if it's not called "narrating sports" it's early and I cannot find the words and I also do not watch many sports unless they are the important games. Anyway. Play this video with sound: