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I could really use your insight on the concept of maintenance spanking. In the last week or so, my husband has wanted to explore having a female-led relationship. So while he has always done the cooking, and is a great co-parent two our two children, he's now taking on the majority of the rest of the housework. I'm all in favor of this, as he hasn't always done half of the housework, and our new arrangement has allowed me to be a more present parent and pursue more creative pursuits. In addition to parenting, I am now managing our finances, which I don't mind doing. He has recently wanted to try "maintenance spanking" as a way to reinforce his submission. We've done spanking as a part of sex for awhile, both with my hand and with a flogger, and we enjoy other Dom/sub activities like pegging. But I honestly don't "get" the spanking thing apart from sex. When should it happen? When is it supposed to end? Why are we doing this? We tried last night and decided on a certain number of lashes. He asked afterward if I felt powerful and the answer was NO. I didn't get anything from this and I don't understand it. The whole thing felt very ceremonial and I am not sure what to do with that level of formality. Anything I can do to get in this headspace? Am I thinking about this wrong?

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Thanks For Your Help

But spanking him during sex turns you on? Or works for you in some way? Those spankings you get? — Dan

The spanking itself doesn't turn me on, but watching him enjoy it, and knowing that I am giving him that pleasure turns me on. I just don't know what to do with it when it is not part of sex. — TFYH

One of the great things about BDSM and other forms of Dom/sub play is that foreplay can go on for a long time. I promise you, your husband has eroticized doing the dishes and whatever other household tasks he’s taken on. The dishes are “part of sex” or him; doing laundry is a form of low-key, subtle, imperceptible-to-others foreplay that happens in advance—sometimes days in advance—of full-blown sex with all the bells, whistles, strap-ons, and floggers. I think the trick here is for you to see these maintenance spankings not as divorced from the sex you’re having with your husband but as a moment of foreplay hours or days in advance of the sex you're having with your husband.

And that ability to take pleasure in his pleasure? If that’s there when spankings are incorporated into sex, perhaps you could tap into that same feeling during a maintenance spanking session? Of course, when you spank him right before sex—when punish him and crank him up—there’s something “in it” for you right away, i.e. you’re going to have sex immediately after and he's going to get you off. The reward for you get from administering a maintenance spanking may not be immediate, TFYH, but it's coming. Or your reward may not be strictly sexual. What's in it for you may be the laundry you don't have to do anymore and the creative pursuits you get to focus on now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: Maybe it would help to think of these maintenance spankings as the one chore you're doing in exchange for all the chores he does now.

As for your questions...

When should it happen? When the kids are asleep?

When is it supposed to end? Agree to a preset number of lashes/swats—just like you did that first time—and make the number high enough that he feels like he got a spanking but not so high that you had to break a sweat. And it obviously ends when you hit that number.

Why are we doing this? Submissive Guide: "A maintenance spanking can be anything from a scheduled night of the week where a short and sweet spanking takes place, to a more drawn out session of power and control. Either way, their purpose is to maintain the dynamic."

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You say you felt awkward the the first time you tried it—well, I felt awkward the first time I gave a blowjob. I didn't give up on blowjobs, TFYH, and I'm glad. Maybe with a little practice, treating your submissive husband to a regularly scheduled spanking won’t feel so awkward for you and one day you'll look at your spotless house, neatly folded laundry, and contented/submissive husband and feel glad you didn't give up on them. — Dan

I can probably get behind that. Thanks! — TFYH


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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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