Dont think of it as a wildfire, think of it as the worlds largest scented candle.
Don't think of it as a wildfire, think of it as the world's largest scented candle. Toa55/Getty Images

Cough cough cough hack wheeze gahhhhhh: The air was expected to clear up a bit today, thanks to some coastal breezes, but instead the wind is just bringing us more smoke. Light rain might help a bit from Tuesday through Thursday, but it still probably won’t be good until this weekend at the earliest. Here’s our guide to how to breathe when it's smoky out; no matter what you do, though, you definitely will be breathing some toxic substances over the next few days. But at least gas prices are low.

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Seattle’s healthy air center is scheduled to close today: The city opened a clean-air shelter for people experiencing homelessness this weekend, but it’s scheduled to close up at 8 a.m. Monday morning. The facility was originally intended to provide emergency evaluation and recovery for people with COVID-19 but was quickly modified to be a temporary weekend respite from the smoke. (Update: "The smoke shelter will remain open through Tuesday morning, September 15, at 10 a.m., when air quality is forecasted to improve," according to the Mayor's office.)

Pier 58 has HAD it: After we previously reported that Pier 58 will be demolished sooner than expected, the pier decided it was tired of waiting and broke apart as construction crews were working on it. Jenny Durkan tweeted that this year has presented “immense and unprecedented challenges” to the city, though that’s nothing compared to the immense and unprecedented challenges facing whoever’s going to be in charge of her re-election campaign.

And on top of everything, Trump is coming: America’s biggest waste of orange dye is flying to the west coast to look at the devastation today. He’s had virtually nothing to say about the fact that the country is literally on fire, other than blaming “forest management,” which you of course don’t need to be told is a take that has nothing to do with reality.

FiveThirtyEight’s leaning more towards Biden every day: Not that Nate Silver is the Amazing Kreskin or anything — his algorithm’s been wrong before, oh lord has it been wrong — but it’s looking worse for Trump and better for Biden with each day that passes. Right now the simulations are going 24% for Trump and 75% for Biden in our every-four-year reminder that America’s Electoral College system is an extremely stupid racist relic that should be destroyed forever.

Another police brutality video: A Georgia sheriff’s deputy has been fired after a truly horrible video made the rounds. The incident occurred when the cops pulled over a rideshare vehicle and got belligerent with the occupants, demanding ID, ordering them out of the vehicle, and then savagely beating one of them. Meanwhile, cops killed a man in Pennsylvania last night, and then blasted protesters with pepper spray.

Drug companies are keeping coronavirus vaccine safety data hidden: It sure would be nice if we knew how safe the vaccine is, considering taxpayers have committed to paying billions of dollars for it so far. At least one person in the current trials experienced neurological problems, but AstraZeneca didn’t tell the public — instead, they told investment bankers.

Half of Seattle students haven’t logged on to online classes yet: School officials say they “aren’t sure” why Seattle students aren't logging in to online classes, and guessed that it might be something to do with connectivity issues. Hahaha no, it’s because school mostly exists to provide busywork daycare, and kids know it. You may have seen some viral tweets this weekend about teachers who require students to have video on at all times so they can be monitored for suspicious head and eye movements — what even is learning at this point?

MTV is casting a reality show about furries: This can only end well.

A group of Swedish artists has been making miniature homes for mice: They are very cute and pleasant and a good way to take your mind off of all the bad news, of which it seems there is always too much. The group calls themselves AnonyMouse and there are a bunch of cheese puns.

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A gender reveal party has claimed another victim: A Massachusetts man was shot in the nads by a flare that was supposed to reveal the gender of his child. This honestly seems like a fair bargain: If the hets are so obsessed with the gender binary that they have to keep throwing dangerous parties for it, at least one person should be required to sacrifice their ability to reproduce.

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