VHS is dead media. DEEEAAAAADDDDDD Cinema Obituary

How I miss the days when we all could complain that Halloween was getting too slutty—oh, what I wouldn’t give for a sexy Pikachu right now. Instead, this year’s shaping up to have more of a lonely Havishamesque shut-in vibe that is a definite mood-killer, and not in a fun haunted house kind of way but more of a “guess I’ll sit on the couch eating 37 mini candy bars while I watch Rue McClanahan and a knock-off ALF in The Wickedest Witch … again” sort of way.

Do not give in to Halloween quarantine malaise! Although group-gatherings are out, seasonal spooks are still on the menu via local Seattle livestreams. Yeah, I know, it’s not the same, what’s been the same as anything these last few months—and hey some of these streams actually look more fun than getting crammed onto a bus with drunk half-costumed amateurs as freezing PNW temperatures make you regret your choices. Instead, get comfortable on your couch for some fun movie-mockery, or an online seance, or drag show, or a midnight tango.

Without a doubt, the Halloween innovation I’m most intrigued by is Cinema Obituary, a new project from Seattle’s never-not-funny Scott Shoemaker and his collaborators Uncle Basement (Freddy Molitch) and Richard Andriessen (aka Major Scales). They’ll be riffing their way through film flops all Halloween long over on Twitch, starting at 8 pm with Susan Lucci’s Invitation to Hell. Now who could resist an invitation like that?

Also exciting is tonight’s Murderlesque, a killer burlesque and drag show featuring fantastic Seattle talent like Thistle Thornbox, Lil Tigre, and the stunning Vincent Milay. I’d forgotten just how much I miss live burlesque shows until I saw the lineup—these are some truly talented titilators, and the horror theme promises to make it unforgettable.

And of course, it wouldn’t be Halloween without Collide-O-Scope. Shane and Michael always manage to outdo themselves with a mind-bending montage of curious cultural ephemera, with plenty of guts and gore. I expect to see lots of orgasmic horror screams—you know, the thing where something scary happens and the hero/heroine’s eyes widen, their hands reach to their faces, fingers splayed into horrified helpless claws, their lips part and the sound rises in their throats and then they let loose with a sonic blast of terror? One of those.

For something a bit more participatory, take a look at Mox Boarding House’s two brilliant ideas: First, an online Call of Cthulu one-shot, played via Discord. Descend into a creepy mountain lair where supernatural death and destruction awaits. The game starts at 5 pm today, so don’t sleep on this one.

Also from Mox: A spooky effects painting class. Learn how to add creepy touches to your hand-painted models and minis, from blood spatters to rust to ghostly special effects. Have a camera and mic ready so you can share your work with the class.

I’m also intrigued by the Victorian seance promised by Fort Nisqually—or at least, I think it’s a seance? It might also be a lecture about the history of Victorian spiritualism. Or possibly both. Whatever. Let’s talk ghosts.

If spookies aren’t your thing, check out Midnight Tango, a nocturnal dance adventure from the amazing Vincent Simone and Flavia Cacace. There’s no Seattle connection with this one, I’m just over the moon for how talented they are, and the setting of a late-night bar in Buenos Aires is a marvelous escape. This one’s streaming all weekend, so no immediate rush.

And oh my, this might sound like a sarcastic joke, but I really mean it: For more Halloween fun, check out your local library. The King County Library System has gotten wonderfully inventive with fun online events for all ages—Halloween arts and craft classes, a spider show-and-tell, and a delightful storytime are just what harried parents need to keep youngsters occupied. And if some adults want to tune in and enjoy the fun as well, I’m sure no one will mind.

Whewww, and that’s only a handful of your options—go check out EverOut’s full listings for more. I’ll see you next Halloween, when God willing we’ll have so much steam to blow off the costume of the year will be “sexy nudist.”