What a week its been.
What a week it's been. Joaquin Corbalan / Getty Images

Trump may try to claim victory before we actually know the vote counts. I don’t even know why I’m writing “may” there, of course he will, it would be weird if he didn’t. Axios reports that multiple people close to Trump have heard him discussing his plans to declare victory tomorrow night, without regard to the actual vote-counting process. “The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”

Who’s not wearing a mask? The Seattle Times compiled a list of local businesses that have generated the most number of complaints about exposing people to COVID-19. At the top of the list is a Fremont tea shop that asked customers to remove their masks.

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A disastrous typhoon just hit the Philippines: Typhoon Goni has killed nearly a dozen people and impacted over two million people. It’s the strongest typhoon recorded anywhere in the world so far this year, and just barely missed passing directly over Manila. Another storm, tropical storm Atsani, is now approaching the region.

Racists are planning to do more racism: If you thought the last four years were bad, evil Trump henchman Stephen Miller is planning to implement even more cruel immigration policies that were previously thought to be too cruel for an administration seeking re-election. That’s according to a former DHS official, who said the plan is for a “shock and awe” transformation of the whole “give us your tired” thing.

There’s more murder hornets out there. Washington State Department of Agriculture scientists found two more muder hornet queens in the tree that once harbored a nest, and they’re working overtime to figure out if there are more nests to hunt down. Citizens trappers will keep monitoring their traps through Thanksgiving in the hopes of wiping out any others.

Jeff Bezos called on employers to raise the minimum wage! Whoops, what an embarrassing gaffe! It’s actually the government, not employers, who set the minimum wage. Try again, Jeff!

Hasbro’s working on a new Dungeons & Dragons TV series. I still have a lot of affection for that Jeremy Irons movie — my God, it’s a disaster — but some actually good adaptations of D&D may be headed our way soon. Details are scant, so until we know more, please enjoy this highlight reel of some of the best moments from the 2000 film.

The Playstation 5 is big. You may need to get a second coffee table for this thing. When laid down horizontally, it looks like a scale model of a Frank Gehry building. Stood up vertically, it looks like a vase in the background of a snooty yuppie’s apartment in a Caddyshack film. (Not to be outdone, Microsoft made an Xbox refrigerator.) My favorite size comparison is this one in which it is placed next to a weirdly muscular chihuahua:

It’s ok to be stressed right now. This week has already been too much and it’s not even Monday afternoon yet. If you’re feeling freaked out, hey, at least you’re not alone: My therapist tells me that a lot of her clients have been unable to sleep through the night. Consider this a friendly reminder to do something nice for yourself and to step away from the things that freak you out. Personally, I recommend getting a giant bag of discount Halloween candy (it’s 70% off at QFC right now!!!), getting so stoned you can’t tell your shoes from your hat, and watching 13 hours of Murder She Wrote. The one thing that is guaranteed not to make you feel better: Checking Twitter. Like, what do you think you’re going to see that will help in any way?

Kim Cattrall’s triumphant return to television is over. Fox has cancelled Filthy Rich, and with it our best hope of seeing Kim Cattrall relish her time in front of the camera. Alas! Oh well, we’ll always have Mannequin, and this poetry reading.

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My garlic bulbs are nearly here. After a week of waiting for them to ship, they’re finally en route from Filaree Farms. I’ve prepared some raised planters with a mix of fresh potting soil and organic matter from last summer’s uprooted tomato plants, and with any luck we’ll have a bumper crop come springtime. Something to look forward to.

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