Its time to pack it up, people.
It's time to pack it up, people. Photo by Nathan Howard/Getty Images
What's in store for us? Each week, we read our palms, check Twitter, and then deduce the future. This week, predictions on concessions, Christmas lights, and a new era of psychedelics.

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Republican lawsuits will accidentally reveal Republican vote tampering. Careful what you wish for, ratfuckers! Those Republican efforts to disqualify votes by any means necessary will open up a Pandora's Box of discovery. Any halfway-competent lawyer in the Trump universe has already found a reason not to be involved in the latest litigation, which leaves behind a bunch of bumbling ambulance-chasers who can't shred a piece of evidence without getting their neckties caught in the gears. At some point, they're going to turn over some evidence that, whoops, reveals that it was the Republicans engaging in voter fraud all along, which explains why they won't shut up about it. At the end of the day, Donald Trump will still be the ex-president, and Republicans will shake their heads and wish they had just stayed quiet about the whole thing. M.B.

Trump will never concede. It's been four days since Joe Biden became President-Elect, and still, Trump has yet to concede. That orange fuck just keeps suing states he lost in an attempt to sow distrust in our electoral system. Guys like Trump never leave humbly, but in a blaze of lawsuits and finger-pointing—it's probably the most American thing he could do if you think about it. I don't think he'll ever concede defeat, preferring to get dragged out of the White House on January 20. J.K.

And concessions will become a politeness of the past. Though conceding an election is not legally required, I predict Trump's refusal to admit he lost will spur other politicians to do the same. Arguably, former Georgia gubernatorial candidate and organizer Stacey Abrams accelerated this trend back in 2018 when she refused to concede the race to Governor Brian Kemp for good reasons, citing widespread voter suppression in the state. But Trump's denial of reality and voters will spur a new wave of conservative dingbats who don't understand how to give up the gun. It's no matter—we'll be ready to give him (and them) the boot, concession or not, come January. J.K.

Our childish obsession with seeing family on holidays is going to kill our families in record numbers. People don't respond well to scolds because they don't enjoy others treating them like children, but what the hell are we supposed to do with the fact that Americans keep booking cross-country trips just to pretend they like their grandmother's sad-ass candied yams???? The Seattle-Tacoma International Airport says "the upcoming holiday travel season... is projected to see the largest number of travelers since the COVID-19 pandemic at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport (SEA)" despite the fact that the country is now breaking records for daily infection cases. On the New York Times COVID-19 map, the whole midwest looks like a crime scene. Hospitalizations and deaths are up everywhere. The Washington State Department of Health says "accelerated COVID-19 transmission is occurring across the state and time is running out to reverse course and flatten the curve." Everyone knows—or at least everyone should know by now after the COVID waves following Memorial Day weekend and July 4th—that these small family gatherings spread the virus like wildfire. But despite clear warnings and clear precedent, all these walking Greek tragedies still plan to endanger the people they love in order to prove they love them! And because they earnestly miss them etc. etc. but come on! What the fuck! Stay home! Buy granny a turkey smoothie and put her on speakerphone this year! I guess it's easy for me to say because I was raised a Jehovah's Witness, but still!! Wait 'til next year, people!! R.S.

If Biden assumes power, he will ban Trump's rallies because of public health concerns. As a consequence, Trump will be forced to hold secret rallies around the country. They will happen under cover of night. Only the deepest Trumpers will know about them. They will see themselves as the persecuted Christians of those old Roman days. This clandestine activity will only increase Trump's domination of the GOP. C.M.

Trump will siphon off money from the Republican Party by furiously fundraising for his reelection effort in 2024, instead of supporting other GOP candidates. Last week, Charles predicted that Trump would continue to hold rallies even after being pulled from the White House. There's no reason to think these rallies will stop, and they need MONEY. The Trump campaign will keep targeting the Republican base for its funds, draining future candidates of resources. The chasm will only grow. Joe Biden's DOJ should consider criminal charges, and the GOP should imbue it with bipartisan support if they know what's right. C.B.

Amtrak Joe will do his darndest to give us high-speed rail. I wanted to definitively predict "Amtrak Joe Biden will clinch high-speed rail," but that's dependent on how the Georgia Senate runoffs fare. Biden has historically been Amtrak's devoutest defender in Congress, and he's committed to a second railroad revolution. People joked he should have an Amtrak One instead of an Airforce One. In the past, funding railroads has been a bipartisan effort. Still, if anyone can swing a New Deal-type high-speed rail infrastructure package through a Democratic minority Senate, it's Biden. If anything, at least California's under-construction high-speed rail will have a better shot at funding under a Biden administration. N.G.

Rooftop concerts will become a thing. I'm down for masked partying in the cold Seattle streets—a respectable distance away from my other dancers—instead of venues to mosh in during the weekends. Now, bands just need to get their cranky residential neighbors onboard. J.K.

Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan will pass the council's budget as she positions herself for reelection. Frankly, vetoing the Seattle City Council's 2020 rebalanced budget didn't look good for Mayor Jenny Durkan, especially when the council easily overrode the veto. For the 2021 budget, the council is laying out similar budget priorities to the 2020 rebalancing budget around trimming police budgets, funding social services, and dialing back some of Durkan's commitments. Durkan accepted initial budget changes yesterday, save for a few muted objections to SPD budget cuts. I expect, in an effort to appear collaborative and civil, Durkan will pass the council's finalized budget package. She may take some snipes at the council to differentiate herself from its policies, but Durkan saw how well the summer's feud worked out for both the Executive and Legislative branches of the Seattle government. N.G.

Mormons will continue to be the sane Republicans, which I can't believe I'm typing. Yesterday, Mormon Governor Gary Herbert introduced a common-sense mask mandate in his state of Utah, mentioning that scientists and experts "overwhelmingly" support mask use. Mitt Romney has been one of Trump's biggest (milquetoast) GOP critics. Having grown up in rural Idaho, I'm shocked to type this, but the GOP should let the Mormons lead. Maybe it's hard to become a Trump cult member when you're already in a cult?? C.B.

The firing of Secretary of Defense Dr. Mark T. Esper deserves an interpretation and a prediction. Why the firing? And what might its consequences be? The why is easy enough to explain. Esper saw himself as a professional and not a "yes man." (Although his nickname suggested otherwise.) This sense of military professionalism has frustrated the Trump Administration from the very beginning. No matter which Republican general he picked, the office has remained devoted to the real world and resisted the function Trump expected of it, which is to further his very specific, personal, fantastical interests. But Esper, unlike James "Mad Dog" Mattis, was fired after Trump lost the mandate of votes. What's a possible outcome of this situation? The most obvious is this: If Trump refuses to leave the White House, protests will certainly erupt like never before; and at this moment of danger, Trump will expect Esper's replacement to use military force to repress these demonstrations and enforce the rule of America's first, official dictator. C.M.

Thirst tweets will give Ossoff the extra few votes he needs. Black-led activism and organizing will lift up Democrats in the meaningful ways. But the tiny sliver that pushes that Sweet Peach Twink over the edge? Tweets like... these. C.B.

The Army is about to have a recruiting problem. When Democrats actually come through with their plan to forgive student loan debt, the Army will suddenly discover that one of their most potent recruiting lines no longer packs much of a punch. So, you want the government to pay for your college? Well, good news, kids, now you don't have to go invade some country for oil anymore. Low-income teens won't be the easily-exploited workforce they once were, and God knows patriotism won't mean much to anyone after a Commander in Chief like we just went through. Recruiters are going to have to find some new lines, like "oh yeah, well, does your fully-funded community college have a submarine?" And then, after flailing around for new recruits for a few years, the Army will suddenly take a keen interest in undocumented immigrants: "Hey, psst, kid, you want a visa?" M.B.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia will have a field day in their episode about the election. First, yes, It's Always Sunny is still on the air. Second, you can bet your ass the team will turn Philly's role in the 2020 election into an episode the same way the 2018 Eagle's Superbowl entered into the Sunny zeitgeist. I'd like to use 1,000 words to brainstorm how the writers will work in Gritty, voter fraud, and Four Seasons Landscaping into one episode, but who has the time? I'll leave it to the experts. Creator and star Rob McElhenney already weighed in on Twitter. N.G.

Trump will declare Mar-a-Lago to be the new seat of power. He's already called it "The Winter White House," which is not a thing, and after he departs D.C. he's going to set himself up at one of his properties and declare that he's still running the country, just from a golf club now. Republican leaders will go along with this because he's finally out of their hair, and militias will start flocking to Florida to help fortify the resort. (They will live on the lawn in tents, of course; the interior of Trump Palace is not for commoners.) Trump will issue proclamations every now and then, his kids will tell him that he's still running the country, and he'll live out his days in a fantasy bubble of his own creation like Beverly Crusher. M.B.

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Break out your crushed velvet and pink shades. The '20s will become the new era of psychedelics. Last Tuesday, the good people of Washington, D.C. voted to decriminalize "natural psychedelics" like magic mushrooms. Meanwhile, Oregon voters took it a step further, legalizing psilocybin (the hallucinogenic component in mushrooms) for medical use and decriminalizing all drugs. Both join the ranks of cities like Denver, Santa Cruz, and Oakland. They have already decriminalized "natural" psychedelics, and Washington's own drug criminalization bill is coming down the line sometime next year. I predict local governments' new openness to psychedelics will usher in a new era of appreciation for hallucinogens—and boy do we need it. J.K.

Seattle City Council Member Alex Pedersen will become a Candy Cane Lane live-streamer. This year, the deep desire to celebrate the light in dark times during COVID DEATH WAVE PART III: THE CRIMSON YULETIDE EDITION will pack drive-thru Christmas displays all over the Puget Sound region like never before. Upon seeing lines of cars idling in his Ravenna neighborhood, the spirit of Christmasy car culture will overcome Alex Pedersen so completely that he'll have no choice but to bust out his smartphone and start streaming the festive rows of wowed polluters. Expect joyful commentary, over-earnest displays of gratitude extended to random off-duty cops, and attempts to absolve his climate guilt by pointing out the odd electric vehicle. R.S.


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