Rich people have two sets of stairs: one for going up, one for going down.
Rich people have two sets of stairs: one for going up, one for going down. Courtesy of Anchor Bay Entertainment
Unstreamable is a weekly column that finds films and TV shows you can't watch on major streaming services in the United States.

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THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES
USA, 1993, 123 min, Dir. Penelope Spheeris
Im here for Lily.
I'm here for Cloris and Lily. Courtesy of Anchor Bay Entertainment
Director Penelope Spheeris is a wonderful enigma. When I think of her, I think of her Decline of Western Civilization music documentaries. But Spheeris' real tether is Wayne's World and the string of normie box office hits that followed, like The Little Rascals, Black Sheep, and The Beverly Hillbillies (which made $57 million at the box office). Her contradicting and peculiar films make space for broke street punks and also Lorne Michaels' boy's club.

On The Beverly Hillbillies, what do I need to say? You know this redneck fable. There's more right than wrong here in Spheeris's take. The sets and costume designs and actors are mostly all great—especially Lily Tomlin, who is really great. Tomlin's final major scene involves a monster truck and got me genuinely considering getting into motorsports. The plot is what sucks. Oh, the hillbilly girl doesn't want to wear a girly dress? Wow! Just stick around for Tomlin driving a monster truck. I know it has to be a stunt double, but let me live. CHASE BURNS

Available for rental on DVD at Scarecrow Video.

***

D.O.A.
USA, 1988, 96 min, Dir. Annabel Jankel, Rocky Morton
The clock is a-tickin for Dexter.
The clock is a-tickin' for Dexter. Courtesy of Buena Vista Pictures
Professor Dexter Cornell is having the worst fucking day. His wife says she's done with him, people just got murdered right in front of him, and police think he's responsible. On top of that, Dexter is the victim of a murder-by-poison plot, and he must figure out who's out to get him before he croaks.

1988's D.O.A. is a remake of a 1950 classic film noir of the same name and stars prolific himbo Dennis Quaid as Cornell. Its source material gives the movie a pulpy, anachronistic feel that straddles the '50s and '80s style-wise. Quaid's hair is appropriately poofy, the shadows are ridiculously long, everyone looks simultaneously suspicious and horny, the poison glows a ridiculous slime green. It's a trashy neo-noir that's clearly having a lot of fun.

A pre-When Harry Met Sally Meg Ryan somewhat ludicrously plays freshman Sydney Fuller, a young woman who's hot for teacher, AKA Professor Cornell. Despite the gap between Ryan's age and her character's age, Ryan believably plays the wide-eyed student. Both actors have real chemistry—they allegedly fell in love on set and married soon after, making this outlandish movie a great unstreamable watch. JASMYNE KEIMIG

Available for rental on DVD at Scarecrow Video and Netflix DVD.

***

AILEEN WUORNOS: THE SELLING OF A SERIAL KILLER
UK, 1994, 87 min, Dir. Nick Broomfield
A haunting documentary.
Isn't this picture so intense? Courtesy of Strand Releasing
Shoutout to Twitter user The McKraken for recommending I watch this Nick Broomfield documentary on "America's first" female serial killer Aileen Wuornos. It's one of two directed by Broomfield about Aileen. It focuses on his struggle to get honest interviews from her born-again adoptive mother, Arlene Pralle, and her lawyer, Steve Glazer, who demand cash for access to her.

The Selling of a Serial Killer also highlights various Hollywood attempts to buy the rights to Aileen's life for future use. Interestingly, Broomfield eventually sent both this film and a rough cut of its sequel Aileen: The Life and Death of a Serial Killer to Charlize Theron, who based her Oscar-winning performance in Monster off these clips of Aileen.

Ultimately, Broomfield produces a tragic portrait of a woman with questionable legal representation continuously exploited by those around her. Broomfield would later become involved in Aileen's final days, attempting to get her a new lawyer and advocating for her removal off death row. Despite his efforts and her mental instability, Florida summarily executed Aileen in 2002. America's fucked up. JASMYNE KEIMIG

Available for rental on DVD at Scarecrow Video and Netflix DVD.

***

CHAOS
France, 2001, 109 min, Dir. Coline Serreau
So chaotic.
So chaotic. Courtesy of New Yorker Films
This movie is so French. The Frenchiest. The pitch: a bourgeoisie couple rushes off to an event when a sex worker runs in front of their car, screaming for help. She's pursued by attackers, who smash her head against the car. Lots of blood. This is billed as a comedy. The husband asks the wife for a tissue, seemingly to help the brutalized woman, but instead he uses it to clean the blood off his car. They speed away—but the couple will entangle with the sex worker in ways they couldn't have predicted. The film proceeds with a bunch of mommy issues and misogyny and elevator jazz. Somehow, it's feminist and funny. The best part is how the characters are always rushing. Especially the women. They sprint across the screen. It's a great trick to build a scene where your actors can't stop moving. It makes the stakes so stupid, so high, so chaotic.

The film is directed by Coline Serreau, a popular French director known for creating the original Three Men and a Baby (1987), the French Three Men and a Cradle (1985). A little news peg: Disney announced today that Zac Effron will star in a 2022 Disney+ remake of Three Men and a Baby. The French original (the one with the Cradle) is unstreamable, so I may pick it out for next week. CHASE BURNS

Available for rental on DVD at Scarecrow Video.

Unstreamable means we couldn't find it on Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, or any of the other 300+ streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn't find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. Yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don't consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.