Are you ready for the weirdest Valentine’s Day of your life? No, of course not, nobody knows how to navigate love, romance, and sex during a pandemic, whether you’re accustomed to being single or coupled or serially slutty, the last year of lockdown and quarantine has done a number on everyone’s libido.
(Look, I’m not saying that EVERYONE’S sex drive has been thrown out of whack these last few months; it’s just that if Disney+ added the show Dinosaurs to their lineup in a normal year, more people would probably have kept it to themselves how fucking hot that one episode with dinosaur-steroids is.)
fellas, is it gay to wanna fuck a talking dinosaur
— David 🍥 (@DiscreetLatino) February 5, 2021
So what’s going to save us from our pent-up libido? Literature, of course. With some help from our friends at Phoenix, I’ve rounded up a few of the best hot horny comic books to carry you through Valentine’s Day, a mix of explicit erotica and tender romance. Whether you’re looking for erotic monster art (don’t knock it til you’ve tried it), lesbian BDSM with extra kissing, or a horny coloring book to work on with your roommate with whom you’ve developed an ~understanding~, your local comic shop is here to save your loins.
Not a serial story, Buffomet is more of a horny gothic monster art book, gorgeously designed and lavishly printed with explicit stories, poems, and illustrations of demons and netherworld-creatures throwing themselves onto the altar of pleasure. If you like your porn with horns, you’ll love this raunchy, randy display, as dozens of contributors revel in debauched deliciousness. Probably don’t read this one on the bus, is what I’m trying to say. But definitely do bring it into the bedroom! There’s no end to the devilish ideas that Buffomet may inspire, featuring a wide range of genders, sexualities, and body types — many of which are mythical, lending an imaginative air of limitless possibility to each page. I’m particularly pleased to see the talents of Blackshirtboy, whose gooey gender-defying trans-human TF art defies the boundaries of the human form; D.J. Kirkland, whose big beefy boys have been getting me through quarantine; and Artdecade, whose beautiful sloppy-wet scenarios are simultaneously raunchy and wholesome. The book’s creators are Seattle locals Nero O’Reilly, Iris Jay, and Ex Hye, and we’re unspeakably fortunate to have them here, ready to open not just a hellmouth, but a slavering, slithering hellmouth that drips with diabolical ecstasy.
Plenty of erotica can be described as “hot,” and plenty of romance lit can be described as “cute,” but rare is the work that is both. Sunstone is a delightful lesbian BDSM romance, with two women falling for each other in hot horny bedroom scenes and tender sweet slice-of-life scenes. Lisa and Ally are a delight to spend time with — they’re described as “sexual nerds,” a deeply relatable category to anyone who’s noticed that kinksters usually also have an extensive collection of twenty-sided dice — and I love that the book doesn’t just linger on lust, but gives us time to see that characters catching their breath, joking, and shyly confessing their feelings and fantasies. It gets all the details right that 50 Shades of Gray gets wrong, and their romance feels realistic and deep and extremely satisfying. Read it to get in the mood; read it for inspiration; read it to feel your heart tugged with genuine romance.
TWISTED ROMANCE & SECRET LOVES OF GEEKS
Ah, so you’ve got a short attention span? Or you just need something quick and horny to tide you over? Consider these two excellent collections of shorter stories. Twisted Romance gathers four standalone stories by Alex de Campi into one paperback, with a smattering of prose to separate the comics. Not erotica, these are what you might call “offbeat romance,” hipster love stories with varied genre twists. I’m fond of the story “Invincible Heart,” featuring an irascible space pirate.
Meanwhile, The Secret Loves of Geeks is a delightful follow-up to The Secret Loves of Geek Girls. This newer release features excellent storytelling from some masters of their craft: Patrick Rothfuss, Margaret Atwood, Gabby Rivera, and (although I find him just a bit showy) Gerard Way. When thinking of romance stories, geeks are often cast as the tragic best friend who supports a main character in their quest for love, and it’s a pleasure to see the nerds finding each other and falling in love.
EVEN MORE SEXY COMICS
Not enough for you? Fine, fine, here are a few more suggestions you might want to check out. Start with Fauns & Fairies, an adult coloring book full of mythical creatures — this is a fun date-night activity for you and whatever horny friends with whom you want to role-play turning into satyrs and pixies. Merry Men is a wonderful exploration of the Robin Hood myth with the band of outlaws cast as queer. And Erica Moen’s Oh Joy Sex Toy is a handy tutorial for exploring sexual options that you might have felt too timid to try.
And don’t forget the hot sexy titles I’ve reviewed in the past: Cheater Code is a wonderful story about navigating relationships through video game genres; Patience & Esther is a beautiful lesbian romance in Edwardian England; and A Quick & Easy Guide to Consent is a must-read primer on making sure all of your sex partners are fully on-board.
If you’re quarantining with partners, these are all great books to read together; if you’re on your own, they’re fantastic solo reads; and if you’re making it work long-distance, any one of these titles will make an excellent gift. Now, go forth and fuck!