Now you can open your very own fern bar.
Now you can open your very own fern bar. ibnjaafar / Getty Images

Everyone talks about Earth Day like they assume the Earth should be saved. But have you considered the counter-argument, that it’s time for Earth to be canceled? I’m not saying that it should; I’m just asking questions. What’s Earth done for you lately?

Yes, sure, it’s where your mom lives. But it’s also where your high school bully lives, so it’s impossible to say for sure whether Earth is good or bad. Also, it’s too loud.

Perhaps you are one of those Earth-apologists who just accepts the orthodox view that the planet is worth saving — a sheep, in other words, not a free thinker like me who questions the status quo. One of those campus liberals, a member of the PC online mob that’s not even willing to consider my giant ray gun that will burn the planet to a crisp, destroying all life. Sorry I’m not interested in conforming to your ideals!

Anyway, if you are one of those “woke” “scolds” who wants a “biosphere” to “inhabit,” there will be plenty to keep you busy next Thursday, April 22, with beautiful weather and fun outdoor activities to celebrate the planet you call home. So typical!

Okay but for real though, this Earth Day is looking like it'll be a lovely and pleasant and warm, and you've been cooped up all year with hardly any fresh air. Now's your chance to get back in touch with the planet before it's all gone. A few suggestions:

Earthy Urban Activities

You don’t have to leave the city for some pleasant opportunities to get your hands in the dirt. Take a look at the “Creating a Pollinator Paradise” workshop on Saturday, where you’ll learn how to select plants that will make your local bees happy. (Or you can skip the workshop and consult this handy guide to native plants.) If you’re willing to brave the indoors with other humans, The Works is holding a pop-up terrarium event. And Seattle U students can pick up a dorm plant from the C-Street deli.

My favorite of the local Earth Day events, though, is the StoryWalk partnership between Seattle libraries and Seattle parks. These kid-friendly events connect young-reader picture books to various parks around Seattle and encourage a read-along, walk-along experience. There are Earth Day connections at Herring’s House Park, Genesee Park, Magnuson Park, and Northacres Park. I just wish they did something similar with YA and adult literature!

Out of Town Earth Day Events

Maybe you’d like to get lost, by which I mean wandering away from Seattle to some further-out destination. If that’s the case, I suggest booking volunteering for the Earth Day Weed Pull at Waterfront Park on Bainbridge Island. The ferry ride over is quite pleasant, and you can book a BNB to stay for a night or two and explore the island. It’s quite pretty! There’s even a fudge shoppe, which you are required to visit anytime you are on an island.

This is also a good opportunity to get to know Mercer Island, since it’ll be opening up to visitors with the opening of light rail in 2023. (You can take a bus there now.) Stop by the Congregational Church to drop off non-recyclable plastic film, sign up for ecologically-themed volunteer opportunities, and get a free handful of lettuce seeds! I grew my own lettuce all last summer and didn’t have to buy any greens from June to September, which I’m not joking probably saved me a couple hundred dollars because my doctor bullied me into eating salads all the time.

Earth Day in Washington State Parks

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If you have the means to get faaaaar out of town, you can pop into one our many lovely state parks for free — no Discover Pass needed — on Earth Day. Take a trip down to Des Moines for Earth Day Fair, which is decidedly kid-focused; or just go for a wander at Cama Beach with a geocaching adventure that involves minimal interaction with humans.

And of course, you don’t even need to go looking for structured activities. The trees will be there whether you’ve got an appointment or not. Squak Mountain, Saint Edwards, Olallie, and Dash Point are all relatively close and offer some real pleasant trails. You’ll find a nice relaxing climb at … and I do wish this wasn’t what it was called … Poo Poo Point, which is welcoming to hikers of all skill levels despite the unfortunate name.

Of course, it’s worth pointing out that the only way to get to these places is by driving. (You can tehhhhhcnically cobble together an itinerary to some parks via transit, but it may take you most of the day to reach your destination.) That sure does seem to defeat the purpose of Earth Day. Oh well! That’s America! We’re doomed!