Oh dear lord, its hot. I wish there was some sort of... oh, I dont know... tip sheet for how to stay cool, and... oh. Hello.
"Oh dear lord, it's hot. I wish there was some sort of... oh, I don't know... 'tip sheet' for how to stay cool, and... oh. Hello." TOMMASO79 / ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS

[The following wildly informational article was first published in our sister paper, The Portland Mercury, in 2015, but unlike most of our old stuff, this one is actually surprisingly factual! Read, learn, enjoy.—eds]

If you live in an air conditioned domicile... MOVE ON, RICHIE RICH! WE HATE YOUR GUTS! Now that all the upper-crusties have left, let's get to the business of cooling off your insufferably hot house. Here are just a few tips to get you through the weekend:

1) Keep the shades down in your house all damn day! Then when the cooling hours of night (below 75 degrees) approaches, get a box fan and put it facing outwards (yes, blowing out) in an upstairs window. Then open up windows downstairs and in your bedroom—if you have a second fan, put that in the window pointing inward (preferably on the side of the house that's getting the breeze). The hot air will get pulled up and out as the fresh cool night air comes in. In the morning, keep the windows open until it hits 70, then pull the shades and start all over again.

2) Build a swamp cooler! If you're the industrious type and hate the idea of traveling three miles to buy an air conditioning unit from Fred Meyer, then you can build a homemade "swamp cooler"—but I hate building things, especially when its hot. So a super fast way to do it? Fill up a big bowl with ice and water (or ice packs), and put the bowl directly in front of the fan. Take off all your clothes, and lie on the bed with your swamp cooler pointed directly at your junk. Your "swamp" will feel cooler instantly!

3) Got a dehumidifier? Turn it on, especially if it feels hot 'n' humid.

4) Put cool, comfortable cotton sheets on your bed. Oh, you only have satin sheets? EFF YOU, RICHIE RICH! I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!! (Omigod the heat makes me so angry.)

5) Got a ceiling fan? Set it to run in reverse (counter-clockwise) to pull hot air up.

6) Don't use your hot appliances: you know, the dryer, the oven, the dishwasher. Eat cool things like salad, and cold pizza which is the best. If you have to cook, try to grill out!

7) Turn on your bathroom and kitchen fans—to suck the hot air away.

8) Take a cold shower... or a hot one! I once dated someone who swore by hot showers in hot weather... because when you get out of a hot shower (at least comparatively) the temperature feels delicious. On the other hand, a cold shower feels good, too. Sooooo... do whatever you want. Just take a shower.

9) I know a lot of you idiots like to wear scarves... even in the summertime. So you can either buy this, or wrap a scarf around a long pliable ice pack and wear that around your neck. You'll still look like an idiot, but at least you'll be a cooler-feeling idiot.

I'm sure I forgot something—support your blistering hot Seattleites by supplying your heat-busting tips in the comments!