Dear bloggers,
Yes, I know this shit is irresistible to us. I know Real-Life Superheroes are an easy way to get tons of pageviews. Hell, I’ve written about them before. I’ve even written about the new batch of Seattle superheroes and their weird soap operatics. But now that the same story is making the rounds for a second time—remember the first time, way back in November?—I’m done writing about them, and you should be, too. Here’s why:
Like 9/11 Truthers they’re attention whores who will stop at nothing to get a couple inches of print, or a few seconds of air time. Every time I write about RLSs, I get tons of e-mails from other RLSs playing up inter-hero squabbles like penny-ante pro wrestlers, begging for me to write the “real story,” which happens to be their story.
But the basic truth behind RLSs is this: There is absolutely no good reason for them to dress up like superheroes. Why don’t they just vow to be better people? All around the world, all the time, average citizens are pushing their fear aside and getting involved when they see some way they can help their fellow citizens. They don’t put on a rubber-nippled chest plate and claim to be tools of justice incarnate. So what makes RLSs different? They’re doing this for the attention. What they really want is to be adored, the way people adore comic book superheroes. But if they can’t be adored, they’ll take a snarky, condescending glance from the media, too. They’ll pose for pictures, do silly things like strut down a dark alley over and over again for TV news footage, and tell the stories of past exploits in the hopes that they’ll be retweeted a few hundred times. And then after the attention fades, they try to figure out how to grab the spotlight again.
If you are going to cover RLSs, bloggers, at least do me this favor: Do your job. They tell you a story about a crime they’ve stopped? Substantiate it. Get the police reports. If they don’t have the facts, assume that they’re lying. They tell you they’re wearing a bulletproof vest? Ask to see the receipt. Don’t just take the word of this grown man in spandex telling you wild stories. Don’t assume he’s telling the truth. The only thing you should assume is that he’s looking for momentary fame. And if you just give it to him without asking the basic questions, you’re being a schmuck. That is all.
Hi-ho,
Paul Bobby Constant
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
A little too meta.
I would hazard a guess that attention whores of some sort will likely receive further coverage here in the future.
Attention whores on the Internet?
Say it ain’t so!
R.O.U.S.’s?
I don’t think they exist.
Please print some of the letters you receive on this subject!
Speaking of people grasping for attention and relevance through a widely viewed medium, can we get Slog to stop posting crap by Paul Constant? That would be ideal, too.
“I symbolize that the average person doesn’t have to walk around and see bad things and do nothing,” -Phoenix Jones, RLS
Paul, this is really you, isn’t it? Way to hide in plain sight.
Well said.
Why are these local super losers, I mean heroes, and Paul Constant never in the same place at the same time? Coincidence?
Maybe it’s time someone in the RLS crowd began to really emulate, to quote from the best series of superhero films ever done, the “billionaire, spelunking, BASE-jumping crowd.”
Once one of them jumps off the Wamu Building, on a zipline, to grab a purse snatcher and haul them back off up into the air then drop right back to leave them tied up and hanging off the Hammering Man, lets go back to it.
Ask to see the motherfucking receipt??? Are you shitting me? A receipt? Man up, people. If you want to find out if they got body armor, then find out you know what I’m saying?
Receipt. What is the world coming to?
Also, after all that about stuff pretentious attention whores, you pretend your middle name is Bobby?
We supervillains are pleased as punch. Excellent article, Paul.
(And no, they never DID find a police report about this ‘carjacking’.)
Now we need real-life supervillians that also wear costumes and Fuck Shit Up all the time. Hell, I’m almost unemployed….
Pinky, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
I don’ recall Bat Man a-sitting down to be interviewed by Barbara Walters, but maybe I missed that issue…
None of the shit you want people to do when writing about RLSH is shit you did in your piece.
STFU.
I’ve written a play on the subject. I suspect you’d agree with its literarily-derived conclusions.
http://www.suilebhan.com/reals/
I disagree about 9/11 truthers as an analogy to the superhero people but I understand mr. Constant feels the need to bash them every chance he gets. The folks I know who think it was an inside job by and large don’t talk about it much probably because it isn’t exactly popular to discuss, since most folks believe it’s not even possible that such a conspiracy can take place.
The balloon boy dad is a more proper analogy in my opinion
“Paul Bobby Constant”. What the fuck kind of name is that anyway? I thought Phoenix Jones was a dumb name ’til I heard that shit. If my middle name were Bobby I sure wouldn’t tell anyone. Why do you see people going out and trying to make a difference, trying to stop crime, trying to help the needy, and feel the need to fucking ridicule them and question their honesty? These people are risking a lot to go out and make a difference and all you’re doing is sitting there in your computer chair sipping a latte and showing everyone what an asshole you can be. Why don’t you make fun of a few non-prof outreach organizations and maybe a charity or two as well, you snarky, passive-aggressive, worthless shithead?
“So what makes RLSs different? They’re doing this for the attention. What they really want is to be adored, the way people adore comic book superheroes.” (Paul Bobby Constant)
“There has been an increase in the RLSuperheroes ever since the HBO special.” (Anonymous)
“Comic-Con will never be the same now that everyone is a superhero.” (RLSuperhero)
“When Aliens or Fallen Angels start giving humans superpowers, many will gladly give and condemn their souls to be adored” (Anonymous RLSuperhero)
“Just like the real estate bubble and the dot.com situation, this RLS trend is likely to bubble. Everyone wants to be popular” (Another Anonymous RLSuperhero)
**RLSuperhero names were kept anonymous to protect those RLSuperheroes who actually do heroic deeds****