I’m a first-time writer, and have been catching up on your archived letters but haven’t found one that answers my question.
Not much background is needed here. I’m a 20-year-old in a relationship with a slightly older guy (25). This is the first relationship for both of us where we’ve been able to open about our desires and fantasies and so far our sex life is fantastic.
Here’s my question: we’ve recently started pegging, and doing a little ass play when I blow him. He says he enjoys this and it appears that way too. But is his inability to ejaculate from pegging similar to the way some women don’t climax during vaginal intercourse? I’ve only been able to achieve orgasm with him so I know what it’s like to have sex without a grand finale. Is this the same way with pegging or am I doing it wrong? Any tips would be great, I don’t want my guy to be missing out.
GGG
P.S. Love the app!
My response after the jump…
Um…
Just as most women require additional, direct, and focused clitoral stimulation during vaginal intercourse in order to climax, GGG, most men require additional, direct, and focused penile stimulation when they’re being fucked/pegged in order to climax.
In other words: tell the boyfriend to jerk himself while you peg him, GGG, and your problem will be solved.
Lots of young and inexperienced people go into their first big-time sexual relationships laboring under the misconception that big-time sex means never having to touch yourself during sex. Wrong. Women who know what they’re doing often touch themselves during sex; men who know what they’re doing often touch themselves during sex too. And people who know what they’re doing aren’t threatened when their partners touch themselves during sex.
It’s probably worth keeping your nails short, though.
Reach around, GGG, reach around.
Touch themselves OR their partners 🙂 Either way. But yeah.
Huh? What? She should be doing his “clit” Jeeez, Dan, get a hetero consultant.
She can also jack him off while she pegs him without reaching around. I get the feeling that when we talk about pegging everyone is just picturing doggy. We need some more education out there for women-tops. Their guys can’t just want to be bent over all the time!
Buh? This question confuses me.
Sure we can talk averages as to how many men can ejaculate or can’t ejaculate from prostate stimulation alone. But honey, look: you’ve got one individual man bent over in front of you, impaled upon your strap on, who is not getting off from just the pegging.
Who cares if he’s average or not? If he can’t come just from pegging, get your reach around on or have him jerk off for you. It’s not like you two are working toward some Platonic ideal of sex where everyone has to have MEGA ORGASMS just from being penetrated. C’mon!
Venomlash, we need a shitstorm visual to go with this thread. Thx.
@7: YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
http://pics.gayteenforum.org/Monologue/1…
@5 got a good site with pictures?
EricaP think of someone on their back with their legs in the air.
Personally, I’ve never heard of anyone coming when they’re being pegged. But I suppose it can happen. I *have* had my girlfriend come while she was pegging me though, *that* was hot!
Although some guys can orgasm from anal stimulation alone, it is pretty uncommon. Even the most enthusiastic bottoms usually require at least a little additional jacking.
So your guy may truly enjoy getting pegged, but still need a little help to reach the big O. That doesn’t mean he isn’t into pegging or isn’t into you. It just means that prostate stimulation by itself can’t completely get him off, and that is completely normal and common.
Trust me. I know of what I speak here.
@11 – Do you mean coming JUST from being pegged? Lots of guys come while being pegged and jerked off.
Something’s way off here, if the het/pegged guys out there are thinking they’ll get off JUST from getting something stuffed up their asses!
Dan- where have you gone wrong?!
I know of zero gay bottoms who can orgasm without hands. Why would any man think he shouldn’t touch himself while being pegged? That’s just crazy talk.
Just to provide an additional data point, men can orgasm from JUST being fucked with a dick or a dildo. I’m one of them! In fact, penile stimulation sends me over the edge way too fast so if I want to get fucked longer, I usually have to keep my hands off my dick.
She’ll peg him but it hasn’t occurred to her to touch his dick? Really??
It’s clear that what’s going on with this question is ignorance of some pretty basic sexual anatomy/physiology. Nothing wrong with that, especially at 20 yo, but yeah: with rare exceptions, getting an orgasm out of a guy requires penile stimulation. If this gal thought her bf should be coming just from being pegged, she doesn’t really get how either boys or girls work down there.
I’m a little surprised the bf didn’t take matters into… you know what I’m going to say. But seriously, young men especially would tend to feel cheated without an orgasm, so I’da thought he’d do what he needed to without waiting to be told.
Gay, Straight, Bi, we all finish ourselves off in the end!
And since when did reach arounds not become common courtesy? How do you get past middle school without knowing this?
@14 One. But only under certain conditions (so if this is a mutual goal for both of them, not just the letter writer’s bruised ego, it’s well worth playing with positions and fantasies if they want to pursue it–even if you don’t make it, the trip will probably be fun).
Dan’s last paragraph should be engraved in granite and placed at regular intervals across North America.
I don’t want my guy to be missing out.
Awww, way to be ggg, GGG.
I just read that letter three times, and I see no indication that the letter writer is female. Am I missing something? I agree the expression “my guy” sounds classically het female, but given the number of gay guys writing Dan, you never know.
btw I certainly sometimes need direct penile stimulation to come. While watching C-Span, for instance.
Lance:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pegging_%28…
pegging is per defintion female on male.
The quote: “I’ve only been able to achieve orgasm with him so I know what it’s like to have sex without a grand finale.” strongly suggests a woman writer to me.
@23 speaking as a person who has no pegging experience, I don’t see why 2 men would be pegging. If you have a cock, why not put that in your boyfriend’s ass? I kinda think that pegging = at least one girl in the mix. But I could be wrong.
More of my own ignorance, but I thought the whole prostate stimulation thing was to enhance the orgasm, not really going to get him there in and of itself.
Canuck, I’m thinking on monuments at the entrance to every national park, in front of every courthouse….the possibilities are endless.
Obviously he gets off with some hand and or mouth action… The question was referring to whether prostate massage can actually help achieve ejaculation.
-GGG
Oops. Sorry y’all – I usually try to keep the cluelessness to a mininum. Pegging. Right, got it, nevermind.
But (now that I understand) Seandr said it best – reacharound!
Catballou…bridal registries, college welcome packets, candy bar wrappers, billboards, those pithy sayings on Starbucks cups, bumper stickers…….
Depending on how sensitive his cock is, he might be able to come if he rubs his cock against something while you fuck him. Your stomach, a pillow, the bed, or whatever’s nearby. That has worked for my man, but usually someone’s hands are involved, too.
G.B. Shaw was very right – youth is wasted on the young.
@27, well it does work for elephants. But you use your whole arm, possibly both arms. I am, blessedly, not entirely clear about that particular process. I don’t see why it is any kind of achievement for him to get off without touching his dick, but I would think using your fingers in him rather than a dildo would be more likely to get that particular response if you wanted to try for it. Any guys with thoughts on that?
@27, also – what are you, as an at least bi girl, doing in this day and age without ever having watched gay porn??? Tsk tsk milady. Especially given your new hobby! I mean, if you want to know how to fuck a man’s ass right….
Dan did a column awhile back about the opposite problem: a guy with a “hair-trigger” prostate who comes very quickly when he bottoms.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
re: “elephant semen collection” on YouTube:
Holy God it involves a net.
Also, a huge thank you to the future graduates of Cal Poly Tech Animal Sciences Department re: the pork industry. I like bacon but I am not willing to pay that particular price. “Don’t drop the thermos!” and “The smell? I’m used to it!” delivered in cheery tones from the instructor who you are barely able to hear over the noise. Which is distinctive.
Ooh, guess what arrived in my mail today?
PBS’ Stonewall Uprising…
Oh but ain’t it soooo nice when you don’t have to touch yourself AT ALL to orgasm?? 80% of women, I seriously pity you. There ain’t NUTHIN’ like cumming from penetration alone. Using a vibe with a guy there *with you*? Having to manually work on your clit *even with* cock on hand? Sad, sad, sad. Self stimulation is what you resort to when no one’s around. I feed bad that so many people have to resort to it WHILE someone is!!
@5: Their guys can’t just want to be bent over all the time!
No kidding, a little eye contact and connection would be nice every once in a while, maybe some snuggling afterwards. Something to let us know we’re more than just another hole to fuck.
@37: Fuck off.
No, seriously, fuck off.
Your post, shorter: My sex life RULES! Your’s SUCKS! Woot!
Jesus Christ. If you can’t add anything more useful than that to the conversation, just shut up.
@37 I agree. Orgasm from penetration alone is 9000x different and better than twiddly clitoral orgasms, for me. I actually dislike clitoral stimulation, it more often results in this muscle in my leg cramp up, and feel too hot, and if I lose focus for one half second, I don’t actually ‘get off’ so much as ‘am brutally thrown off the roller coaster halfway up the first ramp. I suddenly lose all arousal for no reason and don’t want to be touched anymore. Very frustrating. I’ve only talked to one other girl like this (very rarely masturbates, can’t come from it, finds it uncomfortable, mainly comes from penetrative sex). Sound similar?
Confluence, babe, you need to grow up. You aren’t having better sex than 80% of women just because you can have super-special vaginal orgasms. It’s not sad that some women prefer or need other kinds of stimulation. Christ.
@ confluence, some people just don’t get it. I was trying to explain to this deaf guy how fucking awesome hearing stuff was, and all he was going on about was how rich and fulfilling his life still was and shit. Seriously, not hearing stuff is what you *choose* to do when you put earplugs in, *not all* the time. Some people are just so sad and pathetic, right?
@41 rocks!
Uh, huh. Next thing you know Confluence will be claiming she doesn’t need any stinkin’ self stimulation when alone either!
*roll of eyes*
@42 that’s one of the more convoluted smackdowns I’ve seen in a while. I think.
@30: I second this; face-to-face pegging with penis-stomach stimulation can totally work.
@37: Well, you’re obviously a troll, with respect to that comment at least, but since you took the time to register and paste a picture, I’ll give you the benefit of my significant doubt… What the fuck? Have you ever had someone go down on you? In terms of awesomeness-of-orgasm, every woman I’ve talked to (who has experienced it; even in late college, a surprising number of women I’ve talked to about sex have not had anyone give them head) reports the most intense orgasms from oral stimulation of the clitoral glans (possibly in conjunction with finger/hand/fist action elsewhere). That doesn’t necessarily mean that they prefer receiving oral sex all or even most of the time (or that this is true of all women; I have a relatively small, socio-culturally-homogenous sample), but I’m actually pretty surprised to hear you say that orgasm from penis-in-vagina intercourse with no other touching (No kissing either? ‘Cause that’s stimulation of another erogenous zone…) is BETTER than all other kinds of sex.
Additionally, I find your privileging of partnered sexual activity and specifically heterosexual partnered sexual activity to be disturbing (“resort[ing] to” self-stimulation, “*even with* cock on hand”), as well as the presumption of your projection that all other women are missing out by not cumming from vaginal penetration alone; for all you know, their orgasms might be much better than any you’re able to experience, from vaginal penetration or anything else. Based on your total lack of both self-awareness and awareness of others with respect to sexuality and your unexamined biases, assumption of normativity (that in fact does not apply to the overwhelming majority of women), and specifically your partnered-heteronormative universalization, I’m going to hazard a guess that, however awesome your sex life is now, it’s not nearly as great as it could be if you ditched some of your sexual baggage and not nearly as great as you think it is compared to others. I strongly suggest you head over to Scarleteen.com and browse around a bit, as this may help you become aware of and critically examine some of your own biases, which may help you both stop being a condescending asshole with respect to the sex lives of others and have even better sex yourself.
@37:
Seriously, You have no idea whether you’re having better orgasms than 80% of other women or not. I could just as easily say that NOTHING is better than an orgasm from great oral. And what I experience is extremely intense, totally satiating orgasms from it. I often wonder if mine are better than my spouses. But I’ll never really know. And you won’t know either. So what if I need clitoral stimulation? My spouse absolutely loves doing oral. It turns him on like nothing else, so there’s nothing to pity.
Different strokes for different folks.
@ everyone else SHHHH!!! yes I know that 99% of women can only come or mostly come from clitoral orgasms and they think its awesome. That’s fine, good for you. Sure maybe 99% of women totally dig oral, but some don’t think it’s awesome. I have a chance to talk to the 1% of women like me, so shaddup and let me interrogate her for a minute OK?
@47: Perhaps we would, if she hadn’t been such a smug bitch about it.
And frankly, given her attitude and her posting history, I doubt you’ll get any useful information out of her anyways.
My current FWB masturbates clitorally–never penetratively–but is ALL about the G-spot with other people [and there’s no having to search for this one]. In fact, for her it is a bonus treat when I get her of with my mouth on her clit, as she has not experienced that before.
So, yeah, different strokes.
@47: It’s a lot more than 1%. I’m not sure how people went from “most women love and climax easiest from clit stimulation” to “almost no women come from PIV alone.” The first is true; the second is extremely false.
If you come from PIV you’re coming from clit stim anyhow. Look at an anatomy book sometime. Now if you could only come from anal with no clit stim and were a girl – that I would be impressed by. You could give lessons. People would pay to learn that skill.
@40 – used to. Prob just very sensitive clit. Don’t like/need external clit stim either during PIV. But like it with a guy who is good at it (not during PIV, you are right, way too distracting, and with the cutoff point too, after that not interested at all). And like it on my own, now. But yeah, absolutely until I learned and got better at it, exactly what you describe. Problem is, unless your sex drive is absolutely unendurably out of control and you have no outlet other than yourself, you’re not going to put in the time to learn how to get yourself off right, because it’s an exercise in despair, frustration and pain until you figure it out. I recommend dating a mechanic, sculptor, pianist, anyone really really good with their hands. They’ll figure it out for you if you can’t. Very much worth it. And then you can graduate to vibes. Holy shit.
@51: The clit extends internally as well, and can be stimulated internally by anal sex.
@52 – P.S. start gentle. Really really gentle. Never direct on clit contact. Try just playing with your mons. You can feel your clit running over it, under the skin. Stay off direct touch on that too. Gentle, indirect. And be very very very much in need of getting off. Slooooowwww warm up, maybe later you can do more, but gentle gentle.
@51 I know, but I don’t know of anyone who comes from that alone, as a girl – do you?
@ everyone bitchy – it is obvious we’re talking to straight girls right? No bi girl or lesbian would say anything that dumb.
@47 – Or sleep with a girl. Many times. Problem solved!
@47 – if you don’t like oral, that may be why too. You have to be really warmed up to get to the point where you can stand it. But then it is very very good. Start with hands. Once you learn how to handle that, and get used to it, warmup times will get shorter and shorter. Also assuming you are fucking someone who really knows how to touch/lick you.
@BEG, agreed, note to self: no posting sarcastic comments before morning coffee…
@55: I don’t, but I do hear they exist.
And you should register cause you’re obviously awesome.
@gnot I do know that all orgasms are clitoral, but culturally we talk about the clitoris as the external part of the clitoris. And actually, many anatomy books don’t show anything but the external parts. Sleeping with a girl is out, because I have absolutely zero interest in women, and I’m in a long term monog (not my idea, but he’s wonderful, so I deal) relationship. The other stuff is probably good advice, but it’s too annoying and frustrating to bother with when I have a boyfriend around to take care of it for me 🙂
@59, sorry, wasn’t trying to yell at you, just the troll. And yeah, it’s easy to just go with what works. Someday you’ll have a dry spell, and get around to figuring it out. And it will be great. Especially the oral. Still recommend fucking someone with really good hands at some point though, on general principle. And congrats on the unintentional LTR!
@58 – for the sake of humanity, we should find one and learn her ways or force her to write an informational pamphlet. And thanks!
@19- Seriously, hasn’t she ever seen Full Metal Jacket?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2vkiLHiT…
@1- Your username makes me trust your advice.
I spent the first 10 years of my sex life not being able to get off without touching myself or using a vibe. Getting to a point recently where I can come from just intercourse, or oral, or someone else touching me was – I don’t want to say life-changing, but whatever, life-changing. Sex is so much better now. The guy who was able to a) realize that the barriers were psychological, not physical and b) get past them has my eternal gratitude. I’m sure there’s a variety of experiences when it comes to this. But for me, no longer having to use my fingers or a vibe is so good and I wish I’d gotten there a decade earlier.
@60: I don’t think there’s a secret: it’s just being wired the right way and finding the right angle and the right size penis/object to insert. Oh, and finger penetration for 15 minutes before anything larger, of course.
@61 – that’s exactly what I thought of too! How to you get to adulthood without even having seen that?
It is funny how culturally you are expected to give a guy a reach around but not so much a girl…