‘Tis the season of smelling like campfire smoke and eating your weight in s’mores! But tread carefully—this year I’ve noticed a very disturbing trend in the world of marshmallows. This year, more than ever before, marshmallow-makers are attempting to fancy up the traditional ‘mallow. And for what? Supposedly to make the s’mores experience better than ever before. As if the s’mores experience needs to get better. It’s already the best! S’mores are perfect! What a fucking waste of time!

The most bullshit new marshmallow of all the new marshmallows are these “StackerMallows”:

stackermallows.jpg

These stupid, pre-smushed marshmallows are flattened and ideal for making s’mores in a microwave or toaster oven. What a load of crap. While I, too, occasionally cheat and make a s’more in the microwave from time to time, I’ve never once thought “This s’more is such a burden. I wish this marshmallow was flat. This s’more would be so much more enjoyable if I didn’t have to work so hard to flatten this marshmallow in order to fit it into my mouth.”

You know why I haven’t thought that? Because it is not hard to smash a marshmallow. In fact, part of the fun of making a s’more is the moment you smash the crispy graham onto the toasty mallow, watching the cloudy, sugary goo ooze out the sides of the delectable little sandwich. Why would you ever want to take that away?

I also want to call bullshit on the GIANT marshmallows, the marshmallows that are as large as the palm of an adult man’s hand, as Grant models for us:

giantmallow.jpg

This is a classic example of too much of a good thing. This monster mashmallow (which is delicious, I admit) completely throws off the s’more’s perfect marshmallow to chocolate to graham cracker ratio. I suppose if you’re the type to roast a marshmallow, peel the crispy skin off, then roast again and repeat until you’re left with nothing, then this marshmallow would be acceptable. BUT ONLY THEN.

Also out in the world: Marshmallows covered with a drizzle of dark chocolate. WHY!? Stop it! Stop fucking with marshmallows. They are treat that need not be fucked with.

Megan Seling is The Stranger's managing editor. She mostly writes about hockey, snacks, and music. And sometimes her dog, Johnny Waffles.

29 replies on “Marshmallows Are a Treat That Need Not Be Fucked With”

  1. Clearly its shaving precious time off of the cumbersome s’moring process. “s’mores in seconds!” It used to take me near an hour to frankenstein together a s’more. Thanks Kraft!

  2. The best way to make a s’more is to leave out the chocolate and the graham cracker and just eat the marshmallow. Particularly if it’s eversoslightly burnt, and slides off in a sheath, leaving a bit of marshmallow still on the stick to be thrust again over the fire. These flat ones look like they’d fall right off of a stick.

    If you want to entertain some small children, toast some mini-marshmallows over candles on toothpicks.

  5. Complete agreement. I was at a campfire last month with those gigantor marshmallows, and ratio of s’more ingredients aside, they’re completely impossible to roast properly all the way through. As you say, they have to be peeled and re-roasted, which is downright stupid.

  7. Chocolate-drizzled marshmallows sound delicious. And I get a kick out of the giant ones.

    Those tiny neon flavored ones need to go though.

  10. Marshmallows are evil. The only way to enjoy s’mores is to throw the marshmallow away, and use gingersnaps instead of graham crackers. In other words, put a piece of chocolate on a gingersnap.

    I don’t know why, but the smell of marshmallows makes me gag instantly. I had to beg off the traditional game of Chubby Bunny when I was a newbie in a chorus, because I’d have barfed.

  12. @9: I created indoor Mini S’mores at a party a year and a half ago: Grate chocolate into a bowl. Toast marshmallow over candle on toothpick. Roll melty mallow around in grated chocolate. Pinch off between two pieces of Golden Grahams cereal. Repeat a lot.

  13. I don’t want to blow your minds, but try toasting a marshmallow and squishing it between two dark chocolate little schoolboy cookies.

  14. @8..i dare you to tell my mother ( and thousands upon thousands of other mothers) that marshmallows do not belong as the top layer of that thanksgiving sweet potato casserole..
    …i DARE you..

  19. It’s so insane to me that so many people truly do not give a shit about what they’re eating as long as it’s marketed well enough. I tried to think of an example of something morally worse that people could eat, but factory farm animal skin mixed with dirt cheap GMO corn syrup pretty much tops the list.

  20. Despite @19’s colorful description, I totally want marshmallows now. I wish I still had a gas stove. I used to stick them on a fork and toast them over the burner.

  22. Marshmallows are overrated. They are gooey, sticky, puffy pieces of crap. I am going camping this weekend and will not be taking marshcrap with me.

  23. Regular marshmallows roll around in the microwave when heated. These marshmallows will probably stay in place when heated in the microwave.

  24. I too was a naysayer when I saw the oversized ones… but – upon experimentation… I have found that I LOVE them! See – you need to let go of your preconceived and old-world thinking. You don’t need to roast the whole goddamn thing at once! It’s not the gooey inside that tastes good! It’s the toasty outside! So w/ the oversized marshmallows you toast the outside, pull it off & stuff it in your fat mouth or into a s’more or whatever, then continue roasting and voila! Repeat! Three, maybe even FOUR times! MMMMMMMmmm.

  25. This is fun! I’m old enough now to have watched several sub-generations hit this point. Remember when you made fun of your parents for being such fuddy-duddies and not embracing change and all the wonderful new and exciting things in the world?

    Your turn!

    Next, what the kids are listening to will turn to crap. Just wait.

    And stay off the lawn. Harumph.

  26. This is not some exciting cultural change Lymus dear. This is just an example of what happens when you let marketing take the place of innovation. It’s the problem with America, writ large.

    With that said, I too wish to chime in for the colored mini-marshmallows, for they are essential to Auntie Catalina’s Festive Fruit Salad (for display purposes only, it has been known to induce diabetes in healthy people. Only make this for people you don’t care about, or parties with a particularly high camp potential)

    One can of fruit cocktail (the cheaper and more garish, the better)

    One bag of shredded coconut (I used to use they dyed coconut, but I think the government finally took it off the market)

    One tub of Cool-Whip (or something cheaper)

    Colored marshmallows

    sprinkles!

    Food coloring (your choice)

    Drain the fruit salad, mix with coconut,
    dye the cool-whip (don’t go too dark-you want the fruit, marshmallows, etc to pop out)
    Mix the above together, don’t go too heavy on the cool-whip
    Add about half the marshmallows, mix well,
    Add the sprinkles. Put in about double the amount you think you need, mix well
    Top with remaining Marshmallows and additional sprinkles, serve in your prettiest bowl (unless you are going to a shady potluck, where you have reason to believe you won’t see it again. In that case, go to a thrift shop and get a bowl you wouldn’t have in your home )

    Thrifty hint: Since hardly anyone will try this, and they won’t try much of it, and won’t come back for seconds, you can just mix it up at the end of the evening, put it in some Tupperware, and stick it in the back of your freezer for next time. I still have my original fruit salad that I first made in 1984 for a “Cocktails with Kitty” Dukakis campaign event in Iowa City. It was an epic evening.

  27. I love crispy marshmallows. It’s the only way for me. Though almost everyone else in my family (except for my dad and I) and a few friends like to brown those things.

    I have and will never microwave a marshmallow/s’mores.

  28. Did anyone mention the horse hooves in these? Mudede would certainly have included a disgusting reference to horse lovers in Enumclaw in his post.

  29. @28: http://motherjones.com/politics/1995/09/…

    “Next I called Kraft Foods, makers of Marshmallow Creme and actual marshmallows. A woman answered the phone. When I told her I needed to know the ingredients of marshmallows, she asked, “What size marshmallows?” I said I imagined the minis and the larges had the same ingredients, but she insisted on putting me on hold while she went and checked. I think marshmallow people see many more colors in the rainbow than the rest of us.

    The ingredients in Kraft marshmallows, large or small, are: corn syrup, sugar, modified food starch, dextrose, water, pork-skin gelatin, tetrasodium pyrophosphate, artificial flavor, natural flavor (of what I can’t imagine), and blue #1. There was no specific mention of horses’ hooves, but I don’t know what blue #1 is made of.”

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