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New Savage Love: Case Disclosed

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JOE NEWTON
I could really use your advice. I recently found my boyfriend's HIV meds while I was house sitting for him and went into his cupboard for a multivitamin. We've been dating for a year and I had assumed he was negative. I'm negative myself and on PrEP and he is undetectable, so I know there is essentially zero risk of me getting infected, but we agreed to some degree of "openness" at the start of the relationship—having threesomes together—and I recently found a guy we'd like to invite over. I'm trying to get over the feeling of betrayal from the fact that my boyfriend hid his status from me for so long but I'm fine with continuing the relationship knowing his status now. The thing is, he told me that only five people on earth know and his mother, who he talks to almost every day, isn't one of them. He says being poz has really fucked with his self-esteem and that he has had suicidal thoughts because of his status. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to disclose his status to guys who join us in bed? What about asking him to share with a therapist or "come out" as poz to his mother? I really love him and just want him to be happy and healthy.

Wannabe Ethical And Supportive Slut

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New Savage Love: Cum Again

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As you can see by my signature, Dan, I'm a linguist. On your podcast you frequently ask researchers "whatchyougot" on all kinds of sex- and romance-related questions, I thought maybe you'd be interested in some expertise on linguistic matters too. And I have some on "cum," "cumming," and (shudder) "cummed."

The technical term here used among linguists for this kind of phenomenon is "peeve." Let me clarify, it's not the "cum," "cumming," and "cummed” that's a peeve but the shuddering. You see, the snide sound there is due to the fact that causes peevers to shudder causes linguists to get interested. The point is language always changes, and linguists are interested in these changes however much they horrify normal people. (That's our technical term for non-linguists.) Grandparents are forever lamenting about how their grandchildren's generation is ruining the language. Documentation of this phenomenon goes back to the Roman times. And indeed generations upon generations of grandchildren turned Latin into Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, Romanian, Catalan and host of lesser known forms of ruination.

In terms of the sticky substance at hand (or on hand), cum as a verb and cumming are just alternative spellings, which are common enough for slang. It's slang! You really gonna insist slang follow uptight and buttoned-down spelling rules, Dan? That's just stoopid. Cummed is more interesting—and also causes peevers to shudder—because it's a real change in the language. But why shudder? Why not appreciate it instead? "Cummed” shows us how creative we are with our language, how we play with it, and in this case do something useful, differentiating the sublime "got off" (climaxed) from the banal "got there" (arrived).

Don't fall into useless peeving, Dan! You've famously instigated language change. Just ask Rick Santorum, your former college roommate, or the men who've cummed and cummed hard while a nice vagina-haver pegged their ass.


Michael Newman
Professor of Linguistics and Chair
Department of Linguistics and Communication Disorders
Queens College/CUNY

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New Savage Love: European Adventures

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JOE NEWTON
We're an adventurous, bisexual, non-monogamous, opposite-sex couple with a teenage kid living in Europe. We don't really struggle with finding and trying new and interesting stuff in bed. However, we do have a problem and it's getting worse. Having sex is, well, weird, when the kid is at home. We can't be loud, we can't watch porn, we can't webcam with other people, we can't do anything involved or time-consuming, like ropes or pegging or foursomes or whatever. We can't even fuck in the shower. When he was little we had some plausible deniability, but teenagers know exactly what mom and dad do when they shower together. And it's weird and makes us both not want to. And we're not imagining it. Our son frequently reminds us that he can hear everything that happens in the house. Before we took a lot of it outside or to clubs or other people's places. And he had sports clubs and sleepovers and vacations at grandparents and we could do our thing at home when he was gone. All of that is over now and has been for almost a year. We really like having sex with each other but it has been just very quiet quickies during the day while he's doing school online or waiting for those rare nights when he is more tired than we are and goes to bed first. It's been almost a year of this. Way less people want to meet up now, clubs are closed, and traveling is irresponsible. So before we plunge into another year, which as far as I can tell does not look that different circumstance-wise, any tips?
Cabin Fever

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Savage Love: Lesbian Drama

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JOE NEWTON

One of my very close friends, a lesbian, has been married for a couple of years now. It’s been nothing but drama since the day they met. My friend had a terrible home life growing up and doesn’t understand stability. She also has zero self-confidence. My friend and her wife are constantly calling the cops on each other, getting restraining orders, and then always breaking them and getting back together. I told her that if she likes this drama, that’s one thing. It’s another if my friend got dragged into it and doesn’t want to live this way! But she cannot seem to quit their relationship. My friend tells me, “Lesbian relationships ARE drama,” and says I don’t get it because I’m “so damn straight.” Two questions: Are all lesbian relationships drama? And can you explain the whole “price of admission” thing again? It might help to open my friend’s eyes to how unacceptable this shit is. She says she wants out but she also wants to be loved and doesn’t think it would be any better with someone else.

Don’t Really Accept Melodramatic Actions

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Savage Love Livestream 2

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JOE NEWTON
We hosted our second Savage Love Livestream last week and it was a blast. I ran my mouth as fast as I could but couldn’t answer every question that came in—there were hundreds of you and only one of me—so I’m going to power through as many leftover questions as I can in this week’s column…


I remember the day I was able to come to your show in person. What a joy! It seems like years ago now. How do you maintain your sanity until we are able to go to concerts, theater, museums, and dinner with friends again? I strive to be a good human but so struggle to stay my upbeat self.

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Savage Love: Gay Dream Believer

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JOE NEWTON
I'm wondering if you can help me with some dream interpretation. If it helps for context, I'm a single 29-year-old gay man. For just about as long as I can remember, I've been having mildly unsatisfying sex dreams in that the dreams never seem to lead to sex itself. My dream partners range from people I work with to people from high school to celebrities I'll never get the chance to meet. I never dream about someone I wouldn't want to sleep with in the waking world, given the opportunity. The scenarios are generally different as well. Sometimes the sexual tension is palpable but we're in a crowded room. Sometimes we get close enough to get started but the setting is off. Sometimes we start to get hot and heavy but the dream ends just prior to the sex. In each case I wake up frustrated and masturbate to finish the fantasy. I've been pretty sexually starved during the pandemic, Dan, so you can imagine my frustration when I woke up this morning having almost had dream sex with Andrew Rannells. Can you think of why this might be happening? Any advice would be appreciated!
Distancing Real Earnestly And Missing Erotic Romps

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New Savage Love: The Casserole

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JOE NEWTON
Something is bothering me and I don’t know where else to turn. I’m a bisexual man. I’ve been married to a great guy for the past six years. Despite COVID we gathered safely for an outdoors Thanksgiving dinner with my family. My mom, my brother and sister-in-law, and my adult nieces and nephews and their partners were there. Each household contributed to the feast and we had a wonderful evening. While my husband and I were snuggling in bed later he said that my casserole was a big hit thanks to the “secret ingredient.” When I asked what he meant, he informed me that he had deposited my come from a blowjob he’d given me earlier that day in my half-finished casserole. When I asked why he did this, he said he thought it was hot and he was aroused watching my family ingest it. To me, this seems a bit twisted and feels like a deeply disrespectful act toward my family. Now I cannot sleep and it is impossible for me to think of anything else. I wish he had never told me. I am writing to you as I don’t know where else to turn.

Confused And Shuddering Sleeplessly, Entirely Revolted Over Loaded Entrée

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Savage Love: Losing Out

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JOE NEWTON

I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend is bi. I've read your column and listened to your podcast for a long time, Dan, and I always thought I'd be fine with having a partner ask me about being monogamish. Then my girlfriend of about a year and a half told me she wants to see what other women are like. She says the thought of me sleeping with other people turns her on but the prospect of her sleeping with other people only makes me nervous.


She came out later and I'm the only woman she's been with. I understand that, as a woman, I'll never be able to give her what she might get from a man sexually and that sometimes she’ll want that, so there's also that. We've talked about it and it would have to be a Don't Ask/Don't Tell agreement, I would also get to step outside the relationship, the other people would have to know we're in a relationship, and there couldn’t be any “dates.” On top of all that, we're long distance for now. She says she loves me and I believe her and she says she doesn't want to lose me. But she also says she’s been dealing with these urges for a while and needs to address them. I don't want to lose her. Do you have any advice?


Fretting Endlessly About Relationship Situation

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Savage Love: Blocked

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Joe Newton
My boyfriend and I were friends for a couple of years (we're both 30-year-old gay men), then I stopped traveling around the world and pursued him. We’ve been boyfriends for a year and a half now. We were both happy and we had sex on a regular basis during the first year. I'm more into anal (as a top) but we mainly did oral because he isn't into anal. We tried a few times early on but every time I mention it now he doesn't seem keen, so I've left it alone. Six months ago he started having trouble “getting it up” even for oral. After it happened a couple of times he basically said, “I'm sorry it's because I think people aren't attracted to me.” After that happened I started to lose my interest in sex between us and now we rarely have it. Even if he did offer to try anal I don’t even think that would motivate me to have sex with him. Apart from that we get on great but I feel as though I'm starting to see him more as a friend. I've been thinking about breaking up for the last three months but I would feel terrible for a few reasons: his previous boyfriend broke up with him without giving him a reason, which he struggled to come to terms with, and he's very self-conscious about his weight. So I can’t tell him the reason I want to break up—I don’t find him attractive anymore—because that might erode his mental health. (He is seeing a therapist.) If sex was great between us I would be happy to remain boyfriends since everything else is working out and I'm fairly certain he's happy with our relationship as it is, which makes it even harder to end it. Advice?
Promising Relationship Is Sexless Or Nearly So

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Savage Love: Add It Up

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JOE NEWTON
I’ve always been excited by BDSM but I’ve only minimally explored this side of myself until very recently. I’m a straight woman and it was difficult to find men who wanted more monogamish relationships on the traditional apps and a challenge to be honest about what I am looking for where kink is concerned. I’d often get through a month or so of seeing someone before finding out they wanted a completely monogamous relationship and that they were very vanilla in the bedroom to boot. I was tired of wasting my time and needed to find a partner who wanted to enjoy a kinky relationship so I moved from traditional dating apps like Bumble and Hinge and to apps like #Open, Fetlife, and KinkD. While I’ve had a few amazing conversations and meet ups, they’ve primarily been with men in open relationships, couples, or guys only looking to hookup. And it seems most people on kinky apps want to only talk about sex. While I do feel drawn to this lifestyle, I am also looking for a partner. I want someone to spend my life with who can also enjoy the kink community with me. How can I find a guy that wants a life partner and a fun and kinky sex life?

Seeks Partner And Needs Kink

P.S. One more question: I’m currently enjoying casual sex with a male partner who only buys magnum-size condoms but who does not need magnum-size condoms. It’s like fucking a half-empty grocery store bag. How do I tell him regular condoms would be soooooo much better without making him feel bad?

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Savage Love: Four Play

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JOE NEWTON

Why are threesomes much more accepted in the popular imagination than foursomes? I was just googling "finding foursomes" and the first result is an article about threesomes that takes for granted that people are looking for MFF. That is a form of heteronormativity, right? I am not judging threesomes, of course, but asking why foursomes are perceived as more taboo. Would be interested in knowing more about what you think about this or if you have any resource to recommend as I am approaching this now with my partner for the first time.

Willing To Foursome

PS: Love what you do with your work.

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Savage Love: Old Times

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JOE NEWTON
I’m a nearly-80 straight male, with undiminished libido. I have no problem with it, just a persistent curiosity. Like, why now? And why so various? And is it common among us old geezers? Male and female? I’m more sex-obsessed than ever before, including adolescence. Until my sixties, tits were my sexual focus, and other body parts were strictly subsidiary, whether I was looking, fantasizing, masturbating, or fucking. Now butts, bellies, assholes, cunts, legs, arms, shoulders are equal turn-ons. Well, I do have one problem: women aren't interested in me “that way” anymore. The secret smiles in public are no longer complimentary or inviting or challenging. They’re just fond, polite smiles for a nice-looking old man. The availability of porn plays a big part in my obsessions. It primes the pump visually, mentally and physically, by showing more body parts and what can be done with them. Lack of a steady sex partner may also explain my obsession—but I was sometimes without a sex partner when I was younger and I wasn’t similarly obsessed. So is this the usual pattern? Does being relieved of the stress and distractions of work free all retired men—and women—to be perpetually horny or what?

Geezer Energy Rocks Id And Titillates Retired Isolated Chap

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New Savage Love: Jealous Typologies

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JOE NEWTON
I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for the past year. The only problem is that he works with a girl he used to fuck. It wasn’t just sex—they would go on dates and even went on vacation together. He kept this little “detail” to himself for six full months before giving himself away by mistake. He then apologized, said he hadn’t told me so that I wouldn’t worry for no reason, and that he no longer has any feelings for her whatsoever. Disclaimer: I’m an extremely jealous person with huge trust issues, so knowing he kept all this from me is devastating. I no longer trust him. Just thinking that he’s seeing—on a daily basis—a woman he used to sleep with is driving me nuts! I repeatedly asked him to let me meet her in person, at the very least, but it didn’t happen. So one night, after giving him a heads-up, I showed up at their workplace. He had said it would be ok for me to stop by sometime but once I got there he freaked out. He accused me of not trusting him! My question: Am I being crazy and overreacting—I’ll admit I’ve been agonizing non-stop about this—or is he acting like an asshole with something to hide? I’ve been struggling to curb my anxiety about this, and I’ve even had a few panic attacks he’s not aware of. Him changing jobs is out of the question.

I’m Terrified About Losing It And Nuking Everything

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New Savage Love: Don’t Give Up

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JOE NEWTON
Borrowing Gen Z's love for labelling everything, I'm a 46-year-old homoromantic asexual Canadian faggot. For me that means I'd like to love and be loved by another man but I'd hate having sex with him. To add a vexing complication, I also need some sort of power imbalance. Ideally, I would fall somewhere between being a man's sub and being his slave. I've been searching for this since I came out in my early twenties. I've tried everything. Online, bars, hobby groups, friends, hookups. Vanilla relationships, single Masters, dominant couples, sex workers. I've spent thousands of dollars on both men and therapy, but here I am busted, miserable, and alone. The point is that no one—and I mean absolutely no one—wants what I want. My dream dude doesn't exist. It's easy to tell someone to move on, that there are other fish in the sea, etc., but sometimes your sea is a puddle and you really are the only guppy. I'm considering ending my life before the end of the year. I can't shake the deep sadness and disappointment and misery that I feel—and this isn't even touching on my current unemployment or newly-chronic health issues. What would you do if you were in my shoes? How does one switch off the built-in romantic drive?

Sought A Dom Accepting Sad Singlehood

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NEW Savage Love: Direct Message

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JOE NEWTON
My husband recently passed away. He was a wonderful person and we had twelve great years together. He was also very, very organized. His death was an accident but everything was in order. He even left a note in a sealed envelope for his lawyer to present to me. It was one last love letter, Dan. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, no relationship is, but that’s who he was. Or that’s who I thought he was.

My husband was a very good-looking man who took meticulous care of his body. We actually met in a gym at a hotel. He wasn’t a conceited, which I think may be because he didn’t come into his looks until he was in his twenties, but he enjoyed the effect his appearance had on others. In addition to his last love letter and other documents, I was given a list with the passwords to my husband’s social media accounts. I made the mistake of looking at his messages on Instagram. He exchanged private images with hundreds of women and gay men all over the world. Not just photos of him shirtless. Photos of him fully nude from the front and back, images of his genitals, even video clips of him masturbating with his face clearly visible.

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