Savage Love: Connections

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Joe Newton
I'm a 20-year-old submissive woman. I'm currently in a confusing affair with a 50-year-old dominant married man. He lives in Europe and has two kids close to my age. We met online when I was 17 and starting to explore my BDSM desires—out of the reach of my overbearing, sex-shaming, disastrously religious parents—and we've been texting daily ever since. We've since met in different countries and spent a total of three weeks together. Those weeks were amazing, both sexually and emotionally, and he says he loves me. (Some will assume, because of the age difference, that he "groomed" me. He did not.) I date vanilla boys my age, with his full support, while we continue to text daily. I don't know what to do. I don't want to blow up his family if (or when) our affair is discovered. But at the same time, our relationship has really helped me navigate my kinks and my sexuality. Expecting him to leave his wife for me is a highly unrealistic cliché, I am aware. Yet I fear I've become dependent on his conversation and advice. I'm graduating soon and have a big job lined up in a big city. I'll finally be financially independent, and I'd like to start making the right choices. Any perspective you have would be much appreciated.

Things Must Improve

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Wait, So Polyamorous Erasure Is Okay???

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Recent Savage Love Letter of the Day: Learning to trust again after a monogamish relationship blows up, a bi med student contemplates his next move, a man's gayest nephew is about to get married—to a woman, and a woman's demanded a monogamous commitment but describes their marriage as open. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

A reader has a problem with something I said to BLOW:

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Great Moments in P.R. Flackdom

This was in the mailbag today...

Hi Dan,

I hope you’re well and are having a great day. I am getting in touch because I thought you might be interested in the following article: Getting to the bottom of pegging... For open-minded people who are open to butt play, pegging is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom. But what exactly is pegging and why is it a thing now?

Sex and relationships expert, Tami Rose, knows how important it is to try new things in the bedroom. She would be able to provide an article explaining what pegging is and tips for your more adventurous readers who want to give it a go.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Pegging, you say? What is this pegging thing all about? Could you please tell more about pegging?


Her Husband Demanded a Monogamous Commitment but Describes Their Marriage As Open

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I have been with my husband for nine years. We started off monogamous (standard straight couple non-conversation) and had super hot sex for the first four years. We opened up to threesomes, swinging, and I was given permission to do whatever I liked with women. None of those things happened, but it was nice to know we could eventually when things cooled down.

At six years together, when we were about to get married, my then-boyfriend/now-husband informed me that for him marriage meant strict monogamy. He insisted he'd told me that before, although I definitely would've remembered. When I expressed my concerns about this, he basically told me that if I wasn't cool with it we could call off the wedding, which was only two weeks away. Under duress, I agreed. We were already not having nearly as much sex at this point, and it wasn't nearly as hot as it was, but I figured we would eventually have to fool around with other people to steam things up.

A year later I brought up the monogamous agreement we'd made before the wedding and he responded that I'd always been allowed to hook up with girls! I know he had clearly took that off the table and I told him so. But I accepted the permission. I've always fantasized about girls but have never gone for it. So I went on some dates and immediately realized that I'm not interested in hooking up with girls. So our agreement—it was okay for me to hook up with girls only—was effectively monogamy for me since I now know I'm not bisexual.

But husband kept referring to our relationship as non-monogamous for me while I kept insisting that since I realized I'm not bi, my being "allowed" to sleep with girls didn't mean we've "opened up the relationship." We went around and around about that for a while and then he suddenly says, "Well, it's always been okay for you to hook with other guys, so long as they're not strangers." I expressed concern that this hasn't always been the agreement and pressed for details about what he meant by "not strangers." (Did he mean friends?) I also asked him if he would want to know if I did hook up with another guy. But he gave me absolutely nothing. All he would say is that, "This has all been worked out before"!

Finally my question: Would it be okay to consider this permission to hook up with other guys? Seems like he'd prefer to not to know if I did. I understand that it would be optimal to get a much clearer agreement and defined terms. But my husband seems unable to remember and communicate clearly on this topic. He's the one that is more upset about our lack of sex and he's vocal about wishing we had more and better sex.
One of the reasons I want to get out there is to feel desirable and bring that sexual energy back to him! But I don't want to break our agreement or lie to him. Despite his (obviously) horrible communication skills, my husband is incredibly thoughtful, generous, and considerate. And he can be a great lover. I have zero desire to break up with him but I fear monogamy is a death sentence for me relationship-wise. Thoughts?

Accord Thoughtlessly Altered Likely Originates Subtle Struggles

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Michael Avenatti at the Anti-Trump Rally Last Night Outside the White House


Stormy Daniels' cameraphile lawyer has made noises about running for president. While I don't think he should run, after watching this video—shot by John Aravosis last night outside the White House—I definitely think Avenatti should be helping the Democrats with messaging in 2018 and 2020. Not in love with "Make America America Again." But the "it is time for him to go" riff is good and "the 2016 election was stolen from the American people" and "it is time to make America independent again" are gold.


My Gayest Nephew Is About to Get Married—To a Woman

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Hey, Faggot! (I’ve always wanted to say that since back in the Chicago days). Actually, Dan, I don’t know whereat to turn.

I’m worried about my newphew. He is about to marry a woman and there lies the rub. Most of my family and has thought since he was two that he is gay. He will be 24 this month—we share the same bday—and he, his parents, and our maternal extended family are very born again. His fiancé was his best friend throughout home schooling and a couple years ago they started dating and last year moved in with each other. I have no idea what to say to him or even if I say anything. I’ve told him about my work with homeless youth and those who are coming out. I wanted to communicate that I’m here, queer, and am supportive. He has not shown any interest in hearing about this stuff.

So, do I stick my nose in? Also, I feel like an ass because I don’t want to attend the wedding. His parents are very anti-gay as well as bigoted. They’re still disappointed that they couldn’t “save” me and made it clear that there’s a big afterlife bounty for them for my conversion. Is there a way to communicate that I'm in his corner no matter what? I feel cowardly over this whole thing and like I’ve failed him. I hope that he and his fiancé have some sort of awareness and arrangement, but I suspect they don’t have that maturity.

I have 20+ nieces and nephews but he’s my special guy. We have the same birthday, look a lot alike, talk alike, and he is as sassy as a table of queens at brunch at the Abbey.

Uncertain Newlywed Calamity Lurks

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Octo Sushi Closes

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Dammit.


Very Stable Genius: "Did I Say I Wouldn't Come In Your Mouth?"

"Oh, sorry. Meant to say I would. My bad. Now go ahead and swallow that, sweetheart."

That's basically Trump's excuse for all the treasoning he did yesterday in Helsinki. NBC:

President Trump claims he misspoke while discussing election meddling during news conference with Putin: "In a key sentence in my remarks, I said the word 'would' instead of 'wouldn't.' ... The sentence should've been: 'I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia'"

Video here for those of who enjoy gaslighting.

But Trump still couldn't quite pull his tongue all the way out of Putin's ass:

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Bi Med Student Contemplates His Next Move

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I’m a 29-year-old bi-guy in the UK. Over the last 8 years I’ve had a good friendship/sexual relationship with a guy I know, but I’m a doctor-in-training so we have to move around a lot. We’ve talked for hours and hours and I know we both care for each other physically and emotionally, but when I clumsily asked him out five years ago he said he was still hung up on his ex and never mentioned it again. But lately I’ve had so many hints about how much we like each other that I think trying again might work.

Now I’m being asked to choose my region for my next job, and I’m torn. Should I stay in my current city where a lot of my friends are, or roll the dice and move to his city to try and make something with the guy I care about? People don’t live forever, and on hand I’m eager to take some risks for the chance of something better, but on the other I worry it might look desperate if he realizes I made this move solely on his account.

Torn Between Choices

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Randy Rainbow: "A Very Stable Genius"

The French pinned two medals on Josephine Baker for her heroic role in the French resistance during World War II. Baker spied for the Free French Forces and entertained the French troops in war zones. When this is all over we really should pin one on Randy Rainbow for his role in the resistance. He's not taking the personal risks Baker did—he's not in danger of being arrested and shot (not yet)—but no one has done more to entertain the troops in today's resistance.


Putin: Don't Think About the Pee Tape Anymore (Which Totally Exists)

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MORRIS MACMATZEN / GETTY

So something else came up at Trump and Putin's joint press conference today. In addition to the President of the United State's near-treasonous remarks—Trump’s performance in Helsinki was so galling that even one of the talking-, lying-, demagoguing-heads over at Fox News was briefly critical—someone asked Putin about the pee tape and the murderous Russian dictator all but confirmed its existence with a non-denial denial. TPM:

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Another Sign From Today's Protests In London

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Thanks for sending the photo along, Shane!


Learning To Trust Again After a Monogamish Relationship Blows Up

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I need your help thinking through something. I've always loved the idea of a monogamish relationship. I get it: two people shouldn't be everything to each other, especially if one of them has a kink the other one isn't into. So, when I found out that my then-boyfriend had a thing for exchanging nude photos with women online, I gave him the green light.

Throughout our relationship and into our marriage, I had moments of insecurity. There were times when he was paying more attention to his phone than to me. Sometimes I had to remind myself that he wasn't doing anything wrong. Like every jealous wife, I was tempted to snoop, but I didn't, because monogamish.

We were married a little over a year when the cops showed up with a search warrant. My first thought was that the dumbass had started exchanging messages with a girl who hadn't turned 18 yet. I wish that had been the case. In actuality, my POS husband—now my ex-husband—was "involved with" (was sexually assaulting) a 14-year-old girl. The list of charges was long: importuning, sexual contact with a minor, distribution of child pornography, etc. Yep, he took pictures of her and used a web app to send them to her.

It's been two years since he was arrested, and I've done the hard work (and gotten the STI screenings) to mostly get over the betrayal and the loss. But here's a thing I get stumped on every time I think about getting into a new relationship: How do you negotiate a monogamish relationship when it blew up so spectacularly the last time? How do you learn to trust your instincts again after ignoring them in the spirit of being a GGG partner?

Sex Offender's Ex-Wife

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ITMFA Spotted at London Protests

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And look at that time stamp!


Reader: Shove Your Parents' Weird Sex Shit Down Your Memory Hole

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: My Great Aunt the nun was reincarnated as a celibate and he sent me an email, a sex worker ghosts a client and the client wonders if he should contact her, a woman just wants her husband to swing without her, and a letter writer's lovely mother is cheating on their dad—gasp! And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, a response from BLOW, the "lopsided" bisexual in this week's Savage Love:

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