The Big Takeaways from Washington's 2020 Primary

Savage Love

Savage Love: Stating the Obvious

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 10:00 am

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JOE NEWTON

I'm a gay guy who’s involved with a guy I met a few months before COVID-19 took off. He's a great guy, smart, funny, hot, healthy and easy to be around. It started as a hookup but we have chemistry on several levels and, without either of us having to say it, we started seeing each other regularly. We both live alone and decided to be exclusive due to the pandemic. I honestly don't know what we're doing here. It’s some combination of friends, fuck buddies, and married couple all at the same time.

I wanted to just keep a good thing going but just he threw me a curve ball that I need help figuring out how to handle. Out of the blue he told me he held back telling me about his foot fetish. He says he’s had very bad experiences with guys who weren’t into it. He's been keeping it to himself and looking at stuff online. I’m pretty vanilla and not into it, but I know kinks are a thing for a lot of guys and I’m willing to help out a good guy. I’m a longtime reader of yours, Dan, and being GGG is important to me. So I asked him to tell me what that means and what he wants to do. He wants to massage, wash and kiss my feet and suck my toes. Ok, that’s not hot to me, but it’s probably doable once in a while. He thankfully doesn’t need me to do anything with his feet.

But there was more. I can’t believe I’m writing this: He asked if I would let him paint my toenails sometimes! WTF? He could barely say it and looked kind of sick after he did. We're both conventional cis men. Neither of us are into fem stuff. He claimed it’s not about making me femme. He says it’s just a hot thing for him. I know there's no explanation for why people have kinks but do you have any ideas what this is about? I didn’t respond at all and we haven’t talked about it since. I’m not proud of that. I’m freaked out by this and not sure what to make of it. I don’t want to ask him directly if this is the price of admission because that seems too big a price to pay and I really don’t want it to be his price.

Freaked Out Over Terrific Person’s Erotic Revelation Vibe

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Savage Love

New Savage Love: Friends In Deed

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 11:00 am

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JOE NEWTON
I'm a twenty-something more-or-less lesbian in an East Coast city. I'm primarily into women, and I'm only interested in relationships with women, but I'm sometimes attracted to men and have enjoyed sex with men in the past. For various reasons, I decided a few years ago not to pursue physical stuff with men anymore and I publicly identify as a lesbian. This worked great pre-pandemic, but now, with a tiny social bubble and no dating prospects, I find myself feeling very attracted to a male friend/coworker. He's 30-something, single, straight, and we've hung out a few times since COVID (only outside, and while socially distanced). As far as work goes, neither of us has a management role, we're in different departments, and we rarely interact professionally. So, hypothetically, the coworker part wouldn't be an ethical issue if we were to get involved.

I have a feeling he'd be down for a casual pandemic thing… although it’s possible I could be projecting. But I have no idea how to broach this subject. He's a respectful person and we work for a very progressive organization, so he's not going to flirt with me since I identify as gay. I don't know how to bring up in casual conversation that I sometimes like sleeping with men, Dan, and my usual approach to flirting involves a lot of casual physical contact, which obviously isn't possible right now. What should I do? Should I just let this go? Even though we don't work closely together, there's obviously the potential for professional issues if feelings got hurt, and celibacy is obviously a responsible option during this pandemic. But COVID-19 lockdowns and restrictions are going to continue and he and I seem well enough suited to keep each other company. I was single and celibate for a while before the pandemic and am feeling desperate to touch another human being. If it's not a terrible idea, how do I flirt with him without endangering public health, messing up our friendship, or making our work situation incredibly awkward in the event that he's not into me?

Craving Organic Viable Earthly Touching

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Savage Love

Savage Love: Committed

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 9:10 am

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JOE NEWTON

Is it terrible to believe you can still have a truly monogamous and loving relationship with one partner after twenty years? Or can we walk into a relationship knowing that within those decades of being together that situations like infidelity or being attracted to another is completely unavoidable? And if we acknowledge that in some cases it’s truly unavoidable, should we mentally prepare ourselves for this possibility during our “monogamous” stage? Early on in dating?

Hopelessly Optimistic Person Enquires

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Savage Love

Savage Love: Unplugged

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 10:00 am

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JOE NEWTON
My wife asked me to write to you about our situation. We’ve been married for fifteen years. I am 50 years old and my wife is a decade younger. We are a heterosexual couple with kids. I am a submissive male and I like to play with my ass using different size dildos. I enormously enjoy being penetrated with sex toys. A few years ago I introduced the idea of a FLR—female led relationship—to my wife and she accepted it. We are a happy couple! My wife is more on the traditional side of sex and I respect that. We have PIV sex twice a week and I try to give her a pleasure as much as I can. Looks like everything is OK, right? But recently she complained that I have stopped ejaculating when we have sex. And it's true: When we engage in vaginal penetration, I no longer ejaculate. I like it this way because I don’t lose my sex drive and I can continue. But she doesn’t like it. For her my ejaculate is the “cherry on top” of the sex and my coming during sex is important for her pleasure and satisfaction. My wife thinks that I stopped ejaculating because I developed the habit of pleasuring myself with dildos and butt plugs in the shower. My wife thinks the toys are distracting me. Do you think it's true? If that’s the case, what should we do? I love my wife but I also love my butt plugs and dildos.

Spouse Unpleased By Husband’s Un Blasts

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Savage Love

Savage Love: Cucking Dykes

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 8:50 am

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JOE NEWTON

I’m a lesbian in a long-term relationship. After much conversation with my partner we’ve decided to explore cuckolding role-play together. I’m not comfortable bringing another person into the relationship—especially right now—but I am willing to explore this as a fantasy. The thing is, I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do it. There’s not a lot of info out there on how to engage in cuck role-play, especially between two women. Could you point me in the right direction here so we can have some fun while remaining monogamous?

Couldn’t Undergo Cuckolding Kink’s Glories In Real Life

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Savage Love

Savage Love: Kinked Gays

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 9:20 am

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JOE NEWTON

I have a question. I’m a gay man in a relationship and we’re both really happy since we met a year ago. We’re “open” in the sense that he wants the option to be intimate with someone else if a connection happens and in turn he said he would be supportive of me being involved in my kinks. But I haven’t done anything yet out of fear. I’m not afraid of my kinks. I’m worried that if I ask to go do something kinky it will ruin our relationship. I don’t think he was bluffing when he said it was okay for me to explore my kinks with other guys but it worries me. I tend to repress the kink part of my sexuality and I’m worried that him knowing I want to act on it will cause issues. My boyfriend and I are so balanced but in the kink aspects of my life I’m a submissive and need to engage in power exchange with someone. I miss being able to express these things and it feels like there’s a void in my life. That might sound silly, but it’s true. I think repressing them is actually taking a toll on my mental health. Any advice?

Guy’s Abandoned Yearnings Subtly Undermining Bond

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Savage Love

Savage Love: Blowing Up

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 10:00 am

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JOE NEWTON

I’m committed to my male partner and he’s committed to me. (I’m a woman.) But we both understand we need to flirt and that we will both want to sleep with someone else at some point. We live together, we have a dog, and neither of us believes in marriage. We plan to purchase a house in the coming months. Here’s the issue: he met a woman at work. He’s not sexually attracted to her at all. She, however, would love to blow him. She’s in an unhappy marriage and has no friends. They exchanged numbers when my partner was transferred and now she texts him constantly. It doesn’t totally bother me. But not only does she text him at all hours of the day and night, but she continuously tells him he’s the hottest man she’s ever met. She sends him nudes, which I’ve seen, and wants to suck his “huge dick.” (It is huge.) But even though I know he’s not sexually attracted to her, I still feeling threatened. I have extremely low self-esteem right now and I’m struggling with depression. I’m speaking with a therapist and I’m on meds. But the meds have made me gain about fifty pounds, which doesn’t help with the depression. I get the need and desire to flirt. But right now I’m not confident enough to be okay with him being sexual with another person even if it’s just texts. And I feel this way knowing he has no plans to be with her! He continues to tell me he has no desire to spend his life with anyone else but me. Yet he’s suddenly hesitant to buy a house. I guess I’m asking WTF should I do?

Dinging Phone Really Exacerbating Semi-Serious Depression

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Savage Love

Savage Love: Oral Reports

by Dan Savage • Friday at 3:40 pm

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JOE NEWTON

I’m a 32-year-old straight guy. My wife and I have been married for four years and together for nine. We have a great marriage and all is well. We have been quarantining at home since March. During this time, we have been exploring things sexually, which has been really fun. We have also been talking more about our kinks and fantasies. One thing my wife really wants to try is an MMF threesome. I’ve agreed and she’s been talking about how hot it will be to make this happen once quarantine is over. She is particularly turned on by the fact that this would be my first sexual experience with another guy. The only issue is, in reality, it won't be. The truth is that when I was in high school, a guy friend and I fooled around a few times. I have no regrets but those experiences only served to reaffirm that I preferred women. I never did anything with another guy and I never felt the need to mention these early experiences to my wife. She just assumed I had never had a same-sex encounter. Now I feel like I’ve misled her or lied to her somehow. Should I tell her the truth or just let her believe our MMF threesome would be my first time with a guy?

Nervously Omitted Homosexual Occurrences, Mostly Oral

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Savage Love

Savage Love: Streamers

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 9:15 am

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JOE NEWTON

Hey, Everybody: We had our first Savage Love Livestream event last Thursday night and I ha such a blast! A huge crowd of Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners got together on Zoom for a live online Q&A that raised more than $14,000 for Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports food banks in my home state. I got more questions than I could answer in our allotted time and so I’m going to answer as many as I can squeeze into this week’s column. Here we go…

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Savage Love

Savage Love: Blinders

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 9:10 am

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JOE NEWTON
Here goes: I’m a 32-year-old gay male and I have trouble staying out of my head during sex. I feel like there may be many issues. The one non-issue is everything works fine on my own. When I’m single or “available,” I am OK. Let’s be honest: I'm a slut and I enjoy it. But when I invest in someone, when I’m trying to have an actual relationship, the sex suffers. With a partner I care about I feel nervous. I feel small both mentally and physically. And I worry my dick is small. I’ve measured and photographed it, so I know better, but something in me is always asking... are you really enough?

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Savage Love

Spanking Spouses, Creepy Creepers, Lousy Lovers — Reader Advice Roundup!

by Dan Savage • Friday at 4:35 pm

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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: what to expect when you're expecting to run into a coworker who accidentally flashed her boobs in a Zoom meeting; at what temperature should one keep one's tits when one is crushing on someone during a pandemic; how guilty should a guy feel about getting spanked behind his husband's back; and just how annoyed is a wife allowed to feel about the "maintenance spankings" her husband needs. And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

First up, regarding SPANK...

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Savage Love

Maintenance Spankings: What's in Them for Her?

by Dan Savage • Thursday at 3:42 pm

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I could really use your insight on the concept of maintenance spanking. In the last week or so, my husband has wanted to explore having a female-led relationship. So while he has always done the cooking, and is a great co-parent two our two children, he's now taking on the majority of the rest of the housework. I'm all in favor of this, as he hasn't always done half of the housework, and our new arrangement has allowed me to be a more present parent and pursue more creative pursuits. In addition to parenting, I am now managing our finances, which I don't mind doing. He has recently wanted to try "maintenance spanking" as a way to reinforce his submission. We've done spanking as a part of sex for awhile, both with my hand and with a flogger, and we enjoy other Dom/sub activities like pegging. But I honestly don't "get" the spanking thing apart from sex. When should it happen? When is it supposed to end? Why are we doing this? We tried last night and decided on a certain number of lashes. He asked afterward if I felt powerful and the answer was NO. I didn't get anything from this and I don't understand it. The whole thing felt very ceremonial and I am not sure what to do with that level of formality. Anything I can do to get in this headspace? Am I thinking about this wrong?

Thanks For Your Help

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Savage Love

Savage Love Livestream June 4!

by Dan Savage • Thursday at 11:01 am

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I love traveling around the country and bringing Savage Love Live to theaters near you—it's always a blast—but we're obviously not able do that right now. So we're doing the next best thing: our first-ever livestream show! The Savage Love Livestream goes down—goes up? goes live?—on June 4th at 7 PM PST. You can send me questions beforehand at livestream@savagelovecast.com, or you can ask questions live during the show. I’ll do my best to answer as many as I can only this time I’ll be answering them on Zoom in your living room. Or your bedroom. Or your bathroom. Or your dungeon. It's up to you! And proceeds from this show are being donated to Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports a network of food banks here in Washington state. Nancy and I are hoping to raise a bunch of money to help hungry people in Seattle and across the state. We had a practice session today and I think going to be fun! So join me, Nancy, the tech-savvy/at-risk youth and the Infant of Prague for our first livestream show! Get your tickets here! Again, all proceeds go to Northwest Harvest and I'm going to match the first $2K we raise and double your donation to this great organization!

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Savage Love

From the Archives: Frustrated Man Gets Backside Spanked Behind Husband's Back

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 3:53 pm

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I'm a gay man married to a wonderful man. For most of our 12-year relationship, we've had a boring sexual script that is all about him getting blown. He just doesn't seem interested in much else, and although we've talked about it over the years, nothing has really changed. He is selfish in bed. He's a wonderful husband otherwise, and I love him deeply. Recently, he was out of town, and in a weak moment, I ended up meeting an experienced spanking Dom. We've met several times, and I'm counting the days until he whales on my butt again. Not in my wildest imagination could or would my husband EVER do something like this with me. He just doesn't have it in him. I am more sexually fulfilled than I have been in a decade. I'm also lying and cheating. I'm deeply torn. If I tell my husband, my guess is that he won't take it well. It could cause our marriage to unravel. If I keep lying, I bear the moral burden of the lie, and he could find out anyway.

Still Professing A Normal Kink

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Savage Love

New Savage Love: Quickies

by Dan Savage • Wednesday at 9:25 am

JOE NEWTON
JOE NEWTON

I don't want to become one of those people who write to you complaining about how I married someone I wasn't sexually compatible with ten year ago and now my sex life still sucks. I already know I need to break up with my boyfriend and I was about to do it when he got sick with the flu. This was at the beginning of March. I assumed he'd be sick for a week and then we would have an unpleasant conversation. But then the entire country shut down and my boyfriend was officially diagnosed with COVID-19. So I haven't seen him since the last weekend in February—Monday is Memorial Day, Dan, in case you've lost all concept of time—and I've been playing the role the supportive and worried girlfriend from afar. But it's been hard. Both my parents are in high-risk groups and my mental health has been battered. My boyfriend is finally getting better and I don't know what to do when I finally have to see him again. I'm not breaking up with him because he's a bad person and I don't want to hurt him but that's exactly what's going to happen. I feel guilty because I'm choosing my happiness over his. I know I shouldn't, Dan, but I do.

Feeling Resentful About Uncoupling Dilemma

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