Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Loving Dads' New Boyfriend Is a Real Asshat


My dads adopted me, and later my little brother, at birth. Neither of us have ever had to ask for anything: love, encouragement, support. Six months ago, when our dads told us they'd been seeing another man, "Melvin," for some time, I hoped I finally had the opportunity to return the favor.

But Melvin's sense of humor is barbed. One of my dads stayed home to raise my brother and me, and we're incredibly close. We chat on the phone three or four nights a week, and sometimes I'll speak with my other dad. Melvin often spends evenings with my dads, and he'll jump on the extension and say things like, "Oh, is she still talking?" Or, "You need more friends!" Last week he hit the receiver so the phone hung up while I was talking to my dad. He always says he's joking, and my dads assure me that's just his sense of humor.

Melvin also disappears to another room when my brother or I stop by the house. Our dads often invite us over for dinner, and if one of us is in the neighborhood, we might call and see if we can swing by. Melvin often "jokes" about how weirdly close-knit we are. He once made a joke about my brother being my dads' type, and when I called him on it, he insisted I'd misunderstood him.

My dads have asked my brother and me to be patient with Melvin. His parents, I gather, were fairly horrible people. I guess I'm wondering if the answer here is that I should get a life and give my dads space. My boyfriend thinks Melvin is an asshole, but it's hard for me to accept that my dads would choose to remain with someone who doesn't like, or isn't open, to my brother and me. Do you have any advice?

Kinda In Distress

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Savage Love: What Is Love?

Joe Newton
I'm a 33-year-old woman from Melbourne, Australia, dating a 24-year-old man. We've been dating for about eight months; it is exclusive and official. He's kind and sweet, caring and giving, and his penis is divine. The thing is, he confessed to me recently that he doesn't really "feel." The way he explained it is, the only emotions he feels are fear and anxiousness that he'll disappoint the people he cares about. He says he's never been in love. He said his dad is the same way. The only time I see him really "feel" is when he's high, which he is semi-frequently. He uses MDMA and he comes alive—he seems the way a "normal" person does when they're in love. But when he's sober, it's like he's trying to mimic the things a person in love would say or do. I recently confessed I am falling in love with him and told him I wasn't saying this with any expectation of him feeling the same; I just wanted him to know. He responded that he cares for me a lot—but that's it. I'm now worried that he'll never love me. I don't want kids, so time isn't critical for me, but I don't want to be with someone who won't ever love me.

Lacking One Vaunted Emotion

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Wife of Internet Troll Files for Divorce

Vanity Fair:

Vanessa Trump has filed for divorce from her husband of nearly 13 years, Donald Trump Jr. Per Page Six, Vanessa filed late Thursday in Manhattan Supreme Court. On Wednesday, Page Six reported that Donald Jr. and Vanessa were headed toward divorce for myriad reasons, one of which is that Donald Jr.’s tweets have become "unhinged."

But they always looked so happy together...

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: 3 dudes 1 bed, 2 asexuals but probably only 1 actual asexual, some other questionable labels, and a reader asks me to find the words and I wrote her a script treatment instead. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, for LABEL:

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GOP Senator: One Dead Puppy Is a Tragedy, Thousands of Dead Kids Is Not

So a dog died—a puppy died—on a United Airlines flight after the crew made the family put their dog in the overhead compartment, where the dog apparently suffocated to death. (Who knew those things were airtight?) Eighteen animals died on U.S. flights last year—and most of them died on United:

Last year, 18 animals, mostly dogs, died while being transported on United—three-fourths of all animal deaths on US carriers, according to the Department of Transportation. Those figures represent animals that die in cargo holds.... United, which promotes its pet-shipping program called PetSafe, carries more animals than any other airline, but its animal-death rate is also the highest in the industry. Alaska Airlines, which carries only 17 percent fewer animals, had just two deaths last year.

Senator John Kennedy, a Republican from Louisiana, heard about that poor dead puppy and immediately took action:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Help Me Find The Words


I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We live together and I can see spending the rest of my life with him. For the first six months we dated he was unemployed, which meant he had tons of time and energy to please me sexually. We were having sex 4-6 times a week and I've never been more fulfilled. Inevitably he got a job; that and this now being a LTR means the amount of sex we have has naturally dipped—now I'm lucky to get it twice a week. In order to solve this problem and meet my bisexual needs, I talked to him about me seeing women on the side. He agreed and I've had a couple of great experiences, but finding a steady sexual friendship in the bi/lesbian community has proven to be difficult. I continue to get on the apps and look, but in the meantime I'm not fulfilled. Making the situation even more complicated is my friendships with a couple of men that could easily develop into fuck buddy relationships. They're there and waiting to help me meet my needs without an expectation of anything more. I can't find the words to express this to my boyfriend. He's also friends with these men and I don't want to make things awkward between them. I want an open relationship where we can both be with anyone we want. He says I'm all he needs and wants even though I've given him permission to go outside the relationship which makes me feel selfish for wanting more, but it's also just a fact that we have mismatched libidos. I can't seem to find the words to get what I want. Help, Dan!

Tongue Tied

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Straight Male Friend and His Agender Agenderfriend Identify As Gay (And That Pisses My Gay Ass Off)


I'm an openly gay, stealth trans woman and like to think of myself as super supportive of my queer friends and active in cheerleading their loves. That said, one of my longtime straight male friends is now in a relationship with a person who identifies as agender and uses they/them pronouns, but presents as a classically feminine cisgendered woman. The two of them have been on a posting spree on social media, tagging every photo of themselves as a couple as #GayLove and #GayPride and #WERESOGAYOMG.

It really, really rubs me the wrong way. My straight male friend has never shown one inkling of being gay, bi, pan, or queer of any sort. His new partner looks just as feminine and cisgendered as everyone else he's ever dated. No one would ever see them walking down the street holding hands and consider them anything but a straight couple. Why do they get to claim they're a "gay" couple? DO they get to? I'm so happy they seem to be so happy, but the claiming of the gay label drives me nuts.

I'm sure the answer is that I need to get over it, anyone can be whatever label they want and it's none of my business, but... why does this bother me so much? Am I allowed for it to bother me so much? Are they at all in the wrong here?

Labels Aren't Beyond Expositive Lucidity

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Asexual Friend Sure Has a Lot of Sex


I'm a 26-year-old cis queer woman. My best friend has identified publicly as asexual for the past two years. She constantly talks about how since she doesn't "need" sex this means that she is asexual. She does have sex, however, and she enjoys it, which I know isn't disqualifying. But she also actively seeks out sex partners and sex. But, again, she insists that because she doesn't "need" sex the way she presumes the rest of us do, she is asexual.

I have an issue with this. I've never had partnered sex, and never really felt the need or desire for it. I'm plenty happy with emotional intimacy from others and masturbation for my sexual needs, and do not particularly desire a romantic or sexual partner. My friend gets offended if anyone questions her label, which occurs often in our friend group, as people try to understand her situation. I usually defend her to others since she's my friend, but as a person that is starting to identify more and more as asexual myself, I've grown rather annoyed at her use of "asexual" as her identifier, to the point that my resentment of this may be starting to affect our friendship. I've kept silent on my skepticism thus far because I don't want to make her feel attacked, but in the privacy of my own head I'm calling "bullshit" on her asexuality. I don't particularly want to come out as asexual myself to her given the circumstances.

Am I just being a shitty gatekeeping asexual? Do I need to just accept that labels are only as useful as we make them and let this go? Is there a good way to move on from this?

Actually Coitus Evading

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The First Junk: We're Going to See Those Pics

Every Trump supporter who calls Stormy Daniels a "scank" (sic) on Twitter brings us one step closer to seeing our first (but not our last) presidential dick pic. Because with each passing day/each insulting tweet, Daniels seems more determined to show-and-tell all. NBCNews:

Adult film star Stormy Daniels is offering to give back the $130,000 she was paid for her silence so she can speak freely about President Donald Trump and release any text messages, photos and videos she might have.... “This has never been about the money," Clifford's lawyer, Michael Avenatti, told NBC News on Monday. "It has always been about Ms. Clifford being allowed to tell the truth. The American people should be permitted to judge for themselves who is shooting straight with them and who is misleading them. Our offer seeks to allow this to happen."

I'm confident a GoFundMe campaign to raise a 130K for Daniels—I'm guessing she spent the money Cohen paid her in October—would be a success. Oh, and if you're not already following Daniels on Twitter, you should be:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Three Little Homos Restless on One Bed


I’m a 24-year-old gay man from Portland, Oregon. I’ve admired you for quite some time and I’m hoping you can help me. For the last five years, I’ve been in a relationship with a man (let’s call him “Jeff”). Around the time we started getting involved, he was already in a relationship with another man (let’s call him “Robby”). In the beginning, it didn’t really bother me and we currently all three live together. You could call Robby my sister wife. This complex relationship hasn’t been easy, but one thing in particular is causing me grief: We all share a fucking king-size bed…

This started a couple of years ago and it seems like there’s no going back. I sleep on one side, Robby on the other, with Jeff in the middle. Obviously, no one has room as we are three grown men. I can tell it’s especially uncomfortable for Jeff. Not to mention, Robby snores like you wouldn't believe. Now, there’s talk of buying two large beds and pushing them together. (Internal scream.) It feels a bit ridiculous. I should also add that Jeff and Robby’s “relationship” isn’t really a sexual one. Regardless, the bed situation is a touchy subject for them. I love sleeping beside my man, but I honestly wouldn’t mind sleeping in my own bed. Sleep is so fucking important to me, but how do you please everyone involved? Please help!

Boy Eventually Desires Sleep

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Savage Love: Zaps

Joe Newton
I'm an 18-year-old cis hetero girl from Australia and I've been listening to your podcast and reading your column since I was 13. Thanks to you I'm pretty open minded about my sexuality and body. Having said that, I do have a few questions. I started watching porn from a youngish age with no real shame attached but I have some concerns.
1. I get off really quickly to lesbian porn but it never feels like a "good" orgasm. My guess is that subconsciously I think it's inauthentic and therefore degrading.

2. I really enjoy and have the best orgasms to vintage gay male porn and trans FTM porn, which seems odd to me because I'm so far removed from the sexual acts that these kind of porn movies portray but I always feel satisfied after getting off to them.

3. I get off to tit slapping videos but it screws with me morally. I understand why I like these kinds of videos. I have quite large breasts and I feel resentment towards them. It seems both morally wrong towards the progress I've made towards accepting my body and also to the message being sent about violence towards women.

Care to weigh in?

Concerned About Porn Preferences

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Some quickies about balls and jizz, a letter writer wonders how to be honest without sending out red flags, a letter that may involve a "fetish too far," and a letter writer wonders who's responsible for his loneliness. Is it the gay scene? Or is it him? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

For TOM:

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NewsSexPanicHorrorsResist Trump

The First Junk: Donald Trump's Dick Could Be the First Presidential Dick We All Get to See (But It Won't Be the Last)

Chip Somodevilla / Getty

I don't think this made Slog yet... and if you've somehow managed to avoid hearing about this... then I apologize for being the bearer of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news... but there might be Donald Trump dick pics out there and if Stormy Daniels prevails in court... we all might "get to" see them. WaPo:

Days before the 2016 election, Daniels agreed to remain silent about the alleged encounter in exchange for a $130,000 payment arranged by Trump’s longtime attorney Michael Cohen, according to a court filing. But in recent weeks, her story started leaking out. Last week, Cohen obtained a temporary restraining order from an arbitration judge barring Daniels from talking about the deal, according to people familiar with the matter. In response, Daniels sued the president, alleging that Trump and Cohen had tried to force her into silence with an invalid “hush agreement.”

Daniels is arguing that since Trump failed to sign the agreement that his lawyer Cohen hashed out—and paid out, Cohen claims, without Trump's knowledge (yeah, right, sure))—she isn't bound by it and can speak freely about the affair. An affair that didn't just generate scandal, marital strife, and terrifying mental images. Like all modern romances, Trump and Daniels' affair left a digital trail.

Take it away, TPM:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Wife and Mother Seeking Other(s)


I've been in a pretty vanilla opposite-sex marriage for ten years and I'd say its been pretty sexless for the last five. Bad scene, I know. Hubby has basically no libido and I'm a frickin' horn dog. How did I last so long? Well, we were baby making and raising kids for a while and now that the hardest part is done I need to get laid. SERIOUSLY. To my complete and utter shock hubby is game to open up our relationship and for me to start getting my needs met (hallelujah choir, can you hear it?). We're having a lot of intense conversations around boundaries and listening to podcasts, reading books etc as we're both very committed to our relationship. (Honestly, Dan, other than the lack of libido, he's perfect.) So my question is, how do I get the ball rolling? Last time I dated, people barely had cell phones and I didn't have kids or a husband. I realize I'm probably going to have to go online, but how do I be honest without sending out red flags? Horny wife who's barely been laid for a decade is available for awkward first time fling? I'm struggling with the need to be honest without freaking folks out. I was thinking maybe I could be a third for a married couple "looking to fulfill a long time fantasy" or something? I should mention that I've been with both men and woman and am open to both. My dream is that I have a lover or 2 that I can see on the regular, and still live my normal cis gendered mom life in between. Where do I start?!

Overeager Horndog

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We Are Killing the World: Moving on Plastic

We banned plastic bags in Seattle—after a long, protracted fight that saw defenders of plastic bags claim that reusable canvas bags would kill us all in a last-ditch effort to stop the ban—but it's time to move on to all the other unnecessary plastic crap, particularly unnecessary plastic packaging that winds up in the oceans. The Guardian:

Microplastics have been found in some of the most remote and uncharted regions of the oceans raising more concerns over the global scale of plastic pollution. Samples taken from the middle of the South Indian Ocean—at latitude 45.5 degrees south—show microplastic particles detected at relatively high volumes. Sören Gutekunst, from the Geomar Helmholtz Centre for Ocean Research in Kiel, who analysed the samples, said the data showed 42 particles per cubic metre, which was surprising given the remoteness of the area.... More than 8m tonnes of plastic enter the ocean every year. Recent research has shown that billions of pieces of plastic are snagged on coral reefs, sending disease rates soaring.

They're just starting to do something about it in the Netherlands:

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