Santa Fe School Shooting: "It's been happening everywhere."


This reaction this kid has when the reporter asks her to cough up the usual banality—to tell the viewers at home that she never thought something like this could happen in her school—stands as an indictment of our sick gun culture. And then there's this:

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What Do You Do When Your Senior Mother Starts Boozing and Cruising?

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I (30's, F) live with my mother where I help to pay bills, make repairs, and do chores in addition to my own expenses. Last year we had to put my father in a nursing home. He will never get better. While she is torn with grief over this—which I and others have repeatedly told her was impossible to avoid given my father's deteriorating condition and state of mind—she also seems to be in a relationship with a man she works with. (She's asked me to fix her phone, which makes me privy to graphic text messages she receives from this man.)

There is no way this would have been ok with my father—not that he is capable of having a conversation about it now. It has made our relationship very awkward. She will recount conversations with people whom she suddenly cannot remember the identities of. She goes on overnight trips to vague places with people she won't identify. She will disappear and become unreachable for hours at a time and then become uncharacteristically angry when I ask where she has been. She lies—frequently, badly. She drinks heavily and is otherwise checked out, preferring to communicate with my siblings through me. She'll offer to help me with something and then disappear or become too drunk to do so.

I have read you for long enough, Dan, that I know you'll want me to stay out of her personal life, but I am worried sick for her and don't know what to do. We cannot have an honest conversation about her drinking, the trips, or her social life. Pushing for details makes me feel like a bitch and a nag. But if she were to vanish on one of her trips, I wouldn't know where to begin looking for her. If I move out and restrict (what my siblings have done) or cut off contact, she will be isolated and likely lose our home. The most a therapist has been able to give me is a shrug and "that really sucks." I know my father would want me to take care of her, but I don't know how, and I'm doing a terrible job so far. I feel like I've lost both of my parents at the same time. Am I completely out of bounds? How do I talk to my mother about what she's doing? How do I proceed from here?

My Mother's Mother

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"He's Running a Piss Party, Not a Fucking Singles Event"

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A brand new girlfriend demands a long-term commitment, a woman wonders if she should scold the younger woman her husband had an affair with, can a guy piss where he wants to if it's his piss party, and a letter-writer's gender-curious son saw the trans porn he jacked off to and now his wife thinks CPS is going to take away their kids. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

For CARL, the guy—currently going through a divorce—whose brand new girlfriend is demanding a long-term commitment:

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Savage Love: Denver's Oriental Theater

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Joe Newton
Savage Love Live at Denver's Oriental Theater last week was epic. I fielded sex questions in front of a sold-out crowd, singer-songwriter Rachel Lark performed amazing news songs, comedian Elise Kerns absolutely killed it, and Tye—a token straight guy plucked at random from the audience—joined us onstage and gave some pretty great sex advice! We couldn't get to all the audience questions during the show, so I'm going to race through as many unanswered questions as I can in this week's column...

You've famously said, "Oral comes standard." How long before anal comes standard?

How does a week from next Tuesday grab you?

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My Gender-Curious Son Saw the Trans Porn I Jerked Off To and Now My Wife Thinks CPS Is Going to Take Our Kids

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Longtime reader, first time caller. I never thought I'd have to write you, being in a monogamous, committed LTR with reasonably good heads on the shoulders of both partners, and plenty of good and very appreciated advice from the likes of you over the years.

Well, recent events have called into question the goodness of the head on my shoulders. Put simply, I fucked up in a major way. I want to apologize for the length of the following story. Here's the TL;DR version: My gender-questioning bio-boy seven-year-old child accidentally saw some porn of a penis-having trans lady masturbating in a chair. Assuming my wife and I have been decently good, loving, supportive parents so far, WTF do we do/say now to minimize potential damage for him and us?

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It's His Piss Party. Can He Piss Where He Wants To?

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I have a sex etiquette question for you. I like watersports, and I’m always looking for situations to practice. Several years ago, I heard a rumor about a guy in a rural area who holds piss parties during the summer in his backyard.

When I found a mailing list for those interested in piss play, it wasn’t long before he posted about one of these parties. People on the list serve talk a big game, but no one else has stepped up to host something, including me. (I would, but four neighbors look into my back yard.) The host has very simple rules on who can attend: you have to identify as a guy and wear masculine attire. He doesn’t request pictures, thereby barring you from coming if you don’t meet some standard of attractiveness. I drove up, drinking water along the way, because it’s important to pregame these things.

I get there, and there were about four guys and the host. I had a good time. The host has plenty of drinks out, towels, chairs, canopies, and candles to ward off the mosquitos. I’ve been back a couple times. Everyone is friendly enough and there’s the right amount of perversion.

So what’s the problem? The host. He’s loud and annoying. He insists on putting classical music on. (I don’t have a problem with the music, but it doesn’t set the mood very well.) He tells the same lame jokes every time he’s pissing on someone. He will complain that people say they're coming and don’t show. If you are having a moment with someone, he will invariably interrupt and say, “What’s going on here!?” while he horns in on the action.

Without being rude, I’ve tried to make it clear that we were not looking for company, but he doesn’t take the hint.

It’s his party, and props to him for hosting it. It takes effort and planning and I’ve let him know I appreciate that. I’m not aware of anything similar in the area. But, it takes the fun out of it when the host doesn’t know when to back off. I’ve gotten to the point where it’s not worth the effort to go. I’m not sure if others feel the same. Do you have any suggestions? Is it my problem and leave it at that? Just get over it? Or should I say something privately?

Person Exasperates Enthusiast

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Should I Scold The Young Woman My Husband Had An Affair With?

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My husband had an affair with a girl from school. I know this because last night she tracked me down on Facebook and sent me a message from a fake account. She explained that they had a relationship for about a year and a half. Once she found out he was married, she confronted him. He lied and said the marriage was open, but she didn’t believe him and broke it off.

There’s much to unpack here and a lot I need to work through with my husband. We’ve been together for twelve years and have been through emotional infidelity issues before. We were teenagers when we got together so we’ve been through a lot of growing pains. This isn’t a deal breaker for me, but it is the first time he was actually physical with another person outside our relationship. We’ve talked about opening our marriage before and what upsets me most about this whole situation is if he had just talked to me about wanting to date this girl at the time it was happening, I could have come to a place where I was okay with it. I think he has some serious insecurity issues and when I confronted him about her message, he agreed to go to couples therapy to work on this. But that’s not what I’m writing in about.

I feel bad for this young woman. My husband is a non-traditional student so he’s much older than the other undergrads he went to school with—he’s 29, she’s 21. In her message to me, she wrote that she’s “young and inexperienced but felt I had a right to know.” Which I understand, and if I were in her position at that age I might have done the same thing. But I know from listening to your show that more often than not, it’s better to keep your mouth shut because you don’t know what kind of an arrangement a couple has and you could be tossing a bomb into their relationship.

While I feel betrayed and hurt, I’m also a bit relieved because I think this would have been something we had to confront sooner or later. So this could have been much worse, for this young woman and for me. I think my husband owes her an apology. But I’m wondering how to respond to her message (or if I should). Do I write back and let her know that it’s not a great idea to insert yourself into other people’s relationships? If so, do I spare her the guilt of helping a married man cheat on his wife and tell her we do have an open marriage? Or tell her the truth? I feel some twisted form of your campsite rule applies here, but maybe I’m overthinking it to avoid dealing with everything else.

Should I Say Something

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Today in Red Flags: Brand New Girlfriend Demands Long-Term Commitment

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I'm a 29-year-old straight man and I'm currently going through a divorce from my wife of four years. My wife and I were together ten years altogether before she decided that she couldn't be with me. We met in college and dated exclusively from freshman year onward. After school we got married and bought a house together. Shortly after that, we decided to start exploring ethical non-monogamy and eventually polyamory. While this was going on, my wife was having anxiety issues and depression and eventually came to the conclusion that she didn't know who she really is and that she wasn't giving me what I needed and that she can't figure out who she is and what she really wants while maintaining our relationship. We decided to file for divorce four months ago and now two months into that process I've hit a bit of a snag.

You see, while all of this was going down I met another partner who is incredible. She's extremely easy to be with and whenever I'm not with her I'm thinking about her. We can talk about the future together and it seems like we want the same things. I love her and she loves me and it just all feels so right and like it should feel when you know somebody really has your back and is committed to being with you. I'm aware of NRE, and I won't deny that some of these feelings could be that so I'm cautious here, but it also feels real to me. My girlfriend and I have only been together a few months but click on a completely different level than I've ever had with anyone and we’ve both discussed moving in together once my divorce is finalized.

The problem here is that I am comfortable in the place where I live and my career is well established and my friends are nearby and my family somewhat close. She wants to move across the country and explore new parts of the world. Part of that is that she just doesn't like the current state we're living in. She's five years younger than me and is wrapping up school. Recently, the subject of moving came up again and she basically made it clear that if I'm not going to consider moving when she's done with school (about a year from now) or shortly thereafter then she wants to break it off. I don't want to lose her and a shot at real happiness because I know you don't find that often if you're lucky enough to find it at all. But I also don't want to uproot my entire life at this point and try to transplant somewhere else. Am I just afraid of changing? Does this seem like a red flag situation to you? Should I pack up my life and give this a go or would that likely be the worst mistake of my life?

Confused and Apprehensive Romantic Liability

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Reddit Thinks I'm Dead: AMA

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Um...

Hello Bottit, get ready to have all of your most pressing questions answered TWICE! u/dearabbotnik will respond with predictive text keyboards trained on Dear Abby answers. u/danbotsavage with keyboards trained on Savage Love answers. Botnik Studios staff will use both keyboards to bring these famous columnists back to life to answer your burning questions. You ask the questions, they respond, your votes will determine once and for all who gives the best advice.

Shouldn't that be "gave the best advice," considering how dead I am? (Full disclosure: Pauline Philips, the original Dear Abby, died in 2013. Her daughter Jeanne now writes Dear Abby. Like me, Jeane is not dead.) Also... I'm a little confused by the illo.


Reader to Gay Trump Voter: May You Die Alone and Unloved in the Filthiest Unregulated Roach-Infested Nursing Home Because the GOP Defunded the Medicaid Program That Pays for It

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It's Reader Advice Roundup day!

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Should this 23-year-old proposition their hot high school teacher and his hot wife? When should this letter-writer disclose her bonus vagina? Is this woman's husband too hot for them to open up their relationship? And a gay Trump voter wonders why no one will fuck him. (I don't wonder. I know.) And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

Regarding sausage fests and clam bakes:

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Gay Trump Voter: No One Will Fuck Me!

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I am a 28-year-old gay white male living in Houston, Texas. In the six years since I came out and became sexually active, I have used various apps off and on, for dating and for sex. I like to think I have done my best to be respectful of the people I have slept with. Recently, I have noticed a handful of profiles that explicitly state "I do not sleep with republicans" or "Trump supporters swipe left."

As you might have guessed by now, these labels apply to me.

I am asking you to set aside the (I imagine) revulsion you feel toward me and think clinically of the choices presented to the object of these proscriptions. So far, I have always blocked, left swiped, or ignored messages from these profiles. This is the most charitable course, and is self-respecting.

However, it is also an ethical requirement? There is nothing that betrays my political affiliation on my profile. If I wanted to sleep with one of these people, I could. I could subsequently reveal my voting history or could vanish without my partner ever becoming wise of it.

I view written proscriptions against groups of people as mean spirited at best, but I think everyone has the right to their own filter (even if I view it as the moral equivalent of a Gryffindor saying "I don't sleep with Hufflepuffs" - and yes, this is your chance to joke about Slytherin). If I sleep with someone while declining to volunteer information that would have caused them to withdraw consent, am I functionally sleeping with them without their consent? Does the interaction (however satisfying their orgasm) devolve into some sort of rape?

Curious to know if you would also reach this conclusion, how you might weigh it relative to other sexual sins and misdemeanors, and more broadly, how you think those of us on the right should treat our woke counterparts when our paths cross romantically.

Sorta Wondering If This Commonly Happens

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Is My Husband Too Hot for Us to Open Our Relationship?

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I guess I'm bi-curious. I have known since I was about nine that I like girls. As I got to high school I got caught staring at a girl's boobs and one girl's body and was made fun of pretty bad. I also made the mistake of telling one of my high school boyfriends about it. He didn't like it. I regretted telling him, I felt something was wrong with me, so I never hooked up with any girls in high school. I tell you all of this to get some background and see if you can help me tell if it's not just bicurious but bisexual.

Anyhow, in summer after my senior year met my husband & at 18 started dating. A few years into it I told him about my attraction to women and he is cool with it, but we made a decision to be monogamous, so no acting on it. We can watch porn together, we can check out girls together and make fun of each other for our preferences in women.

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Sex

Non-Monogamous Couples Are Not (Necessarily) "Unfaithful"

This is a weird way into this post, I realize, but I have a severe case of jet lag right now so... we're going in the weird way: reading Dear Prudence today made me think of this section from one Sister Mary's monologues in Christopher Durang's Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You:

I want to be very clear about the Immaculate Conception. It does not mean that the Blessed Mother gave birth to Christ without the prior unpleasantness of physical intimacy. That is true, but is not called the Immaculate Conception; that is called the Virgin Birth. The Immaculate Conception means that the Blessed Mother was herself born without original sin. Everyone makes this error, and it makes me lose my patience.

So, like, jet lag, anyway...

In today's "Dear Prudence" live chat, Slate's terrific resident advice columnist, Daniel Mallory Ortberg, took a question from a "white, married, heterosexual, cisgender" reader. This LW was upset that her queer, kinky, non-monogamous friends—one or more of them (it's unclear in the letter)—were mocking her for being vanilla and monogamous. (The LW'S queer friend(s) also scolded her for referring to a drag queen as "she," which is pretty standard. So it's possible her queer friends are clueless and/or playing games.) After telling the LW that her friends were jerks (which I can get behind), Ortberg wrote this:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Hole Truth

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This letter was originally published June 28, 2007.

I have two vaginas. I'd had a number of routine pelvic exams with my old doctor, but she never discovered it. My new gyno, however, discovered my "atypical anatomy" right away last week. The anatomical specifics are irrelevant to my question—everything is fully functioning, sex isn't painful, and everything externally looks completely normal.

I'm a straight girl in my early 20s and I've only had one sex partner. Sex was great, and only occasionally did I have to take the guy's dick and redirect him to the "better" vagina. We were each other's firsts—at the time I figured the occasional readjustment was par for the course. I didn't find out about my two vaginas (sounds like a sitcom) until after the relationship ended.

My question: Is this something I need to reveal to new partners before sex? After? Ever?

Very Abnormal Girl

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Kicking This One To You, Savage Love Commenters

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Hope you're having a brilliant day. First things first, I've been reading your blog for a few years now and you've changed my life for the better, so thank you. Now to the question: I'm a 23-year-old bisexual college student who will soon be graduating and moving to the other side of the world. When I was in high school, I had this one teacher who I always thought was super hot. He happens to have an equally hot wife. We've kept in touch and catch up every now and again. We had a few drinks the other night and I got the sense that maybe the attraction is mutual. Would it be too weird to proposition them? I can't help but think it's now or never.

Needs Official Wisdom

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