Savage Love Letter of the Day: Straight Man Offended by Teen Boy Catcalling Him

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I'm a 35-year-old, straight, white male. Tonight, I was walking downtown in my city at about 8 PM and I thought I heard someone say something behind me. I turned to see a young Latino kid (my guess is he was 13-years-old). I asked him to repeat himself. He quietly said that I had a nice ass. Of course I'm not interested because I'm not gay and the kid is underage. I did not feel threatened. He wasn't aggressive and I'm significantly older than he is. I know from my friends who are men who are gay and just from my general experience that men who are gay are much more forward with each other when flirting. I still think about this in terms of my own experience though and know that I would never tell a random woman on the street that she has a nice ass. I know you wouldn't tell a woman that she should take a comment like that as a compliment. So what about me? Is this a situation in which the kid was in the wrong, but we should cut him some slack since he is so young and he didn't do anything threatening?

Always See Sensitively

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Signal Boost

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The GOP Healthcare Plan Will Kill Thousands (But, Um, So Does Obamacare)

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Matt Bruenig has the chart of the day/week/year:

Five separate people were bylined on a Center for American Progress post about how many people AHCA will kill. The post is quite long, but all the authors really do is take the CBO estimates of how many people will lose coverage under AHCA and then divide that number by 830. They do this because there is a study that shows that 1 person dies unnecessarily for every 830 people who lack health insurance. I have duplicated CAP’s efforts here, but rather than focus only on the AHCA, I have also included Obamacare and single payer into the mix.

Obamacare, as I've pointed out again and again, doesn't prevent people from dying for lack of access to healthcare. It wasn't designed to cover everyone—perhaps because it was crafted by a rightwing think tank—and, if it survives, it will never bring the uninsured rate down to zero.

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Savage Love: Sneakers

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Joe Newton
I am a 34-year-old straight woman. I'm monogamous and have an avoidant attachment style. I've been seeing a guy I really like. He's just my type, the kind of person I've been looking for my whole life. Thing is, he's in an open relationship with someone he's been with for most of his adult life. He was sneaky—he didn't reveal he was in an open relationship until the second date, but by then I was infatuated and felt like I wasn't in control of my actions. So what I've learned is that poly couples often seek out others to create NRE or "new relationship energy," which may help save their relationship in the long run. I was deeply hurt to learn about NRE. What about the people who are dragged into a situation by some charmer in an attempt to breathe new life into a stale relationship? I feel like no one cares about the people on the side, the ones who might be perceived to be cheating with someone's partner, as some sort of competitor, a hussy. How can I reconcile the fact that I've fallen for someone who sees me as a tool to be discarded once the excitement wears off? I know we all have a choice, but we also know what it's like to be infatuated with someone who seems perfect. I feel like such a loser.

Sobbing Here And Making Errors

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

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This week: It's Queer Issue time at the Stranger, check out the guy running against Paul Ryan, and Vice took a look at controversy at Evergreen.

From letter-writers: How do I not beat up transphobic assholes who stare down my kid? How do I stop the busboy from showing people pics of dicks in my mouth? What to do when my partner only likes hairy old gay men (and I'm a lesbian)? And are all men garbage? Plus this week's column and this week's podcast.

You know how this works: I respond. You have feelings. Sometimes you write me about those feelings. Sometimes I publish them. First up...

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The Tree of Liberty Must Be Refreshed...

...from time to time constantly with the blood of patriots and tyrants little boys and girls:

Though we constantly see examples in the news, child gun injuries and deaths may be even more prevalent in the United States than we realized. A study published Monday in the journal Pediatrics showed that an average of 5,790 children in the United States receive emergency room treatment for gun-related injuries each year, and around 21 percent of those injuries are unintentional. The study also found that an average of 1,297 children die annually from gun-related injuries, making guns the third-leading cause of death for children in America.

I don't know what's more disturbing: that four children die in America every day from "gun-related injuries" or that 79% of those injuries are inflicted intentionally.


We Are Killing the World

This story...

Fishing gear and an engine cover are just some of the startling contents found inside the stomachs of sperm whales that recently beached themselves on Germany’s North Sea coast. The 13 sperm whales washed up near the German state of Schleswig-Holstein earlier this year, the latest in a series of whale strandings around the North Sea. So far, more than 30 sperm whales have been found beached since the start of the year in the U.K., the Netherlands, France, Denmark, and Germany. After a necropsy of the whales in Germany, researchers found that four of the giant marine animals had large amounts of plastic waste in their stomachs.

...was brought to you by this one:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Mother Tries Her Best Not to Beat Up Jerks Who Make Fun of Her Kid

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I’m a queer mother to a very liberal, accepting family but I’m freaking out a bit and I need your help.

My child, let’s call them Sweetie, is a 7-year-old (assigned male at birth) who has always loved sparkles, rainbows, high heels and all things femme. Sweetie has been insisting for about a year that they’re not a boy, and just last week told me and their siblings that they’re a girl.

This is not the problem. We all love Sweetie and accept them for who they are, want them to be happy and fully themselves, and will support them in all ways we can. We have always allowed the kids to wear whatever they like, and play with whichever toys they like. The grandparents are all on board with this and won’t have a problem if Sweetie turns out to be a girl in the long run.

The problem is that we live in a tiny village in very rural, conservative Britain. While not as bad as rural Texas, trans kids are not well understood here and we haven’t got any LGBT support groups within a couple of hours drive.

Sweetie is a sensitive, caring kid who won’t even stand up to their siblings in a fight. I’m really, really worried about how they’re going to cope with the unavoidable backlash they’re going to face from peers and, sadly, other adults in our community. We have already had a few incidents of kids calling Sweetie names for wearing a skirt and a lot of older adults pointing, staring and whispering.

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There's a First Time for Everything... Especially When You're Queer

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ILLUSTRATIONS BY LOUISA BERTMAN

"Tell me about your first time..."

Three big firsts leap to mind when you ask a queer person about their "first time." The first time they realized they were queer (that stranger's ring of keys), the first person they told (that stranger in a chat room), the first time they had sex (that stranger from a hookup app).

But while the big three firsts get all the attention, the firsts keep on coming. There are more firsts in queer life than just "realize," "announce," and "bonk."

In fairness to straight people—#StraightLivesMatter—they have their fair share of firsts, too. First crush, first kiss, first fuck. But queer firsts are, well, they're queered by our queerness. Our firsts are experienced more intensely; they're riskier (what if mom and dad throw me out?) and sometimes much more consequential (mom and dad threw me out). Queerness can bend and invert our firsts, and homophobia and transphobia can bugger them up. For this year's Queer Issue (our 23rd!), we asked a diverse group of queer writers to write about a first time—a realization or an epiphany or an experience—that was bound up with their queerness but wasn't one of the big three queer firsts. There are a lot of coming-to-the-realization/coming-out-to-the-family/coming-all-over-yourself stories out there. We wanted to supplement stories of those "firsts" with stories about other less heralded and less explored firsts.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: It's Okay to Share Dick Pics at Work, Just Not His Dick Pics

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I'm a 36-year-old homo in a large metropolitan city with a sizable gay community. I'm out, proud and being single. I'm also on the promiscuous side. Being that I'm a slut (a label I'm not afraid of) and that it's also 2017, there exists a number of photographs of me in a number of sexual positions. My face isn't clearly visible in any of them, but some photos show more of me than others, including tattoos.

I've sent these photos out over the gay hookup apps. Now, in my mild defense, I'm 36. I remember IRC chat rooms, which predate even AOL. When I used gay.com it took more than ten minutes to attach a photo to an email. I've sent and received dick pics thousands of times in 16 years.

So imagine my surprise when I was setting up work at my restaurant—where I've been employed for only three months—and I glance over and spot a busboy showing photos I recognize to a manager. I step closer and it's very obvious to me—having seen and sent this photo for over a year—that it's my mouth with a dick in it. I watch as he scrolls and it's a photo of me in a mask (my lower jaw visible) at IML, he scrolls again and it's me with another dick in my mouth.

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Check Out the Guy Running Against Paul Ryan


That's some good political advertising right there.

The last time a Speaker of the House lost their reelection bid? Washington State's own Tom Foley, way back in 1995. The time before that? Galusha Aaron Grow in 1862. Let's do it again in 2018.


Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her Partner Only Likes Having Sex with Hairy Old Gay Men

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My partner and I are in our early 30s and have been together for 6 years. I'm a cis-gendered female and my partner is FTM and began his transition last year. Up until that point, we had a fairly vanilla but satisfying and regular sex life. We both started to want kinkier sex, more variety, and some agreed-upon openness but had yet to really do the work to get there. The changes our relationship have gone through since his transition started though are so drastic I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around where to go from here.

My partner expressed interest in hooking up with men after starting T six months ago (something he had done when female-identified but hated). I was begrudgingly ok with this, not because I'm opposed to fun outside our relationship, but because he doesn't currently have any desire to have sex with me. I know I can pursue sex outside our relationship because we've always had an open-door policy, but I don't have any desire to be in a purely companionate relationship at age 30. The fact is, the only sex he seems interested in having is secretive, unprotected sex with old (60+), hairy, male strangers off Craigslist. I have nothing against old hairy men (although definitely not my cup of tea), but using protection and disclosure to each other were on our list of boundaries. He only admitted his behavior because his lies became too big for even him to keep track of.

He's noticeably less verbal and unable to identify his own emotions & intentions since starting T. He doesn't have any idea why he wants what he wants or if this is just a phase. Is it possible that T has permanently changed my partner's sexual orientation this much? My compassionate, emotive, ethical partner who was always so GGG and pro-safe sex seems to have turned into, well, just some gross dude. He identifies as pansexual but is really only pursuing the grandpa demographic which I clearly don't fit. I should also add that my partner has struggled to maintain his sobriety & has been dealing with depression since starting T. I feel utterly heartbroken and confused about who he has become.

Partner's Always Playing Around Sexually

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Vice On the Controversy at Evergreen


The Cop Who Shot and Killed Philando Castile Acquitted

NYT:

A Minnesota police officer, whose fatal shooting of a black motorist transfixed the nation when his girlfriend livestreamed the aftermath, was acquitted of all charges on Friday. The officer, Jeronimo Yanez, had been charged with second-degree manslaughter and endangering safety by discharging a firearm in the shooting of Philando Castile. After the verdict, jurors and Mr. Yanez were quickly led out of the courtroom, and Mr. Castile’s family left immediately. When a deputy tried to stop his mother, Valerie, she yelled “Let me go.” Later, she said: “My son loved this city, and this city killed my son. And a murderer gets away. Are you kidding me right now?” She continued: “The system in this country continues to fail black people and will continue to fail us.”

Yanez claimed he feared for his life. The video is here. Back to the NYT:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

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I'm a 25-year-old straight cis-female trying to navigate the dumpster fire that is dating in this modern world. I've been single for over a year and have been trying meet dudes....because there are A LOT of single dudes in this city... and I've run the gamut (Tinder, Bumble, fucking Coffee Meets Bagel?! Will someone please just slap these developers for coming up with these inane, bullshit names for dating apps??). I've even tried the "old school method" of just trying to talk to someone at a bar or a show, which feels IMPOSSIBLE because no one can communicate to you as a woman unless it's through a tiny, fucking screen.

I'm a confident woman, I'm an opinionated and nasty woman, and I feel myself hardcore. I think I'm sexy, I think I'm smart, and I'm proud to have a badass job that I love and a circle of badass women to call my friends. I'm also a busy woman: I play guitar, I volunteer in my community, AND I work my ass off, so I don't have a ton of time to waste.

So WHAT THE FUCK, DAN? These dudes are garbage, I swear, ALL OF THEM ARE GARBAGE. And the most disturbing—a lot of them think I'm a call-girl (why??), so my conversations and interactions online yield not a lot more than some dude looking for a cheap hook up.

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