I am in desperate need of some help and I don't know where to turn! I am a married, straight male, in love with my beautiful wife of nine years and I am in an unbelievably negative cycle/mental-state concerning "performance-anxiety." About six months ago, the first "symptoms" popped up: right in the middle of sex I lost my erection. The next time we were intimate, trouble again: couldn't get it up. In my panic, I ordered some Viagra online and have been taking a small dose (20mg) before sex. Problem solved, right? Not really, deeply shamed and embarrassed about this, I never told my wife about the ED-meds and low and behold, this past week, my very horny and sexy wife mounted me in lust got me hard and during a frantic search for lube, sure enough, I lost my erection AGAIN and my wife was left spread-eagle on the bed with a limp-dicked husband feeling angry, deflated and sexually rock-bottomed.

We talked, I told her about all of my mental roadblocks and issues around 'performance' but still didn't tell her about the Viagra. I went down on her, made her cum 3 times and she told me (and I believe her) that she's ready and willing to do all she can to help me over this hump. We've got two small kids and don't make a lot of time for sex. at MOST, we make love every-other week in a vanilla, prescribed manner. I've always had a strong sex-drive and my wife did as well (until our kids were born). She enjoys making love and orgasms with me regularly but she's tired often and we simply don' have much room if any for intimacy in our day-to-day lives.

These factors all lead to the inevitable build up of sexual expectations for when we do make love, ultimately leading to the perfect storm of sexual-defeat. Please help! I need some words of wisdom to navigate this and help me reclaim myself in the bedroom. Any thoughts on the matter would be appreciated!

Lost In My Percipience

I’m a gay guy in my mid-30s living in New York. For a year and a half now, I’ve been in a long-distance, non-monogamous relationship with a man in Russia who’s about four years younger than me. We met on Grindr when I was briefly working in Russia. The sexual and non-sexual chemistry was and is amazing. After a few weeks I had to return to America, but we’ve kept in touch with lots of text messaging and video-chatting, and I’ve been back to visit him four times in the ensuring year and a half (once was for work). He’s a pleasure to talk to, the sex is still good, and he’s proven to be very easy to be around and travel with. Another relevant detail is that he’s never been outside of Russia and doesn’t speak any English. This has actually been really awesome for me, as I am an avid language learner, and my Russian has improved by leaps and bounds thanks to all the time I've spent with him.

We’re both employed, and responsible/frugal with our limited means, but that said I’m in a better economic situation than he is, and I tend to pay for things when we go out to eat or book a hotel.

About something that came up on last week's Lovecast:

Joe Newton

The Internet's Enticing Dates

Twenty-six-year-old bi male here. Quick question: How bad would it be for me to hook up with the former stepdad of a woman (my age) I briefly dated? She and I did have sex, but things only lasted a few weeks and never got serious. We parted amicably last month.

I met her former stepdad once, when she and I went to lunch with him. He's a nice guy, good conversationalist—and totally the sort of "daddy" I have been fantasizing about since I was a teenager. Handsome, fit, masculine, friendly but authoritative, etc. He's been divorced from her mother for five years and is currently single. No idea if he's out or not. But he apparently was checking Scruff while I was doing the same in the restroom during our lunch, and he saw my profile and recognized me. (Not hard to do—my face isn't on there, but the tattoos on my arms are quite distinctive and I was wearing a T-shirt.)

He messaged me the other day, was up front about who he was, clarified that he was pretty sure Former Stepdaughter and I were no longer an item (but said to correct him if he was mistaken), told me he'd been instantly attracted to me at lunch, and then proceeded to describe in graphic detail what he wanted to do with me. I was friendly in my response but told him I needed to think on it. Dan. I have already jerked off seven times reading and rereading his message to me. I want to be naked and in this guy's bed yesterday. Or wearing high heels and stockings while bent over his sofa, to give you some idea of what he described.

I'm pretty confident Former Stepdaughter and I aren't getting back together, and I don't see her regularly on a social basis (though I'll probably run into her at some point). We live in a big city, so it's not super likely she would see me and him out together. I mean, I don't even think it's likely he and I would be anywhere together that wasn't his house (again, naked or mostly naked). I still just feel kinda weird about it, because I slept with his sort-of-daughter.

But she's not related to him by blood, right? But does that really matter? But seriously, Dan, this feels like I would be passing up dream sex and when I ask myself if I'd regret not hooking up with him, the answer that comes back is a resounding YES. On the other hand, I can't come up with any rationale for a solid no—I think it's just, like "phantom" guilt because of the weird family connection. I strongly suspect a few minutes with his beautiful cock (Dan, he has a BEAUTIFUL cock) would eradicate that pretty quickly. Do I have your blessing to find out?

Lusting After Delicious Wolf And Need To Sate Desire — Although, Daughter

This might seem as a pretty ordinary issue compared to the ones I usually read about on your blog but I could really use your help. I am 29-year-old hetero woman in a monogamous relationship. I love my boyfriend and I am OK to fuck him only. When I met him, he could barely carry a sexual act to its end. He had some issues from his past relationships and we worked on them together, to the point where we now have great sexual chemistry and a lot of sex.

Early on I realized he liked to fantasize a lot about friends, family, and people we met. It was quite new to me, but I gradually started to appreciate that and explore new ideas and fantasies myself. We role played, we used Chatroulette and YP, and recently I went on vacation and came back with a couple of toys to have fun with. Things like that.

But he seems to NEED to comment on every slightly sexy girl passing by, or who appears on TV, on in his Facebook news feed. He knows it makes me jealous and uncomfortable when he does this—it makes me feel like I am not sexy, beautiful, or transgressive enough—and I don’t see the sense of telling me stuff that makes me unhappy. To make things even worse, Dan, he has stopped telling me how sexy, beautiful, or even nice I am.

There are times when he is jealous about friends or colleagues that showed an interest on me and I tried to show him respect and avoided engaging in behaviors that made him uncomfortable. I embraced his point of view regarding these interactions and put a stop to them. But every time I try to point out that this behavior makes me sick it’s like I’m telling him to not be himself. He gets angry and tells me I sound just like his mother.

When I've tried to speak with him about this he gets upset and says I can't possibly understand him and that I need to get over this stupid stuff and that I am mediocre girlfriend. And tonight he randomly friended on fifteen pretty girls on Facebook to see if I would get angry. It actually made me cry.

I feel like shit at the moment and I would like to know your opinion. I have always thought of myself as open minded—a tiny bit jealous, yes, but still a reasonable person. And I never felt so diminished and not-attractive as during those episodes. I am not sure what I am doing wrong.

Just A Jealous Girl

I have question for you. The night before last I was bored and looking at random porn. The last entry I made was cartoon porn (I feel it is less exploitive) and I clicked Google videos. From that point I clicked on a series of videos one after the other. Then I got a bunch of pop ups from the porn sites—as one does. I was closing them when I noticed two had advertisements for websites with what looked like really young kids. Under 12 young. I didn't click on them and was freaked out and I followed my visceral repulsion and power shut everything down.

My question is... how do I report what I saw? I didn't do anything wrong but I am stressed out about how and who to tell. I want to do something to help the kids being abused and stop the sick fucks who do that shit. The whole thing makes me nauseous.

No Cute Name To Call Myself

JOE NEWTON

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about myself and my sexuality and my romantic self. I can log on and easily find someone to fuck. I'm a bear-built top guy. There are ladies in my life who choose to share their beds with me. I can find subs to tie up and torture. (I'm kinky and bi.) What I can't find is a long-term partner. The problem is that after I fuck/sleep with/torture someone, my brain stops seeing them as sexual and moves them into the friend category. I have friends that I used to fuck regularly, that now it's a chore to get it up for. Sure, the sex still feels good, but it's not passionate. And when it's all said and done, they're still in the "friend" category in my brain. Some of them have suggested being more, but I've recoiled. There's nothing wrong with them, but they're friends, not potential partners. I'm 32, and my siblings are married and having kids, and the people I grew up with are married and having kids. And here I am not able to find a long-term significant other. Am I broken? Should I just accept that, at least for me, sexual partners and domestic/romantic partners will always be separate categories?

Always Alone

Straight female with a question. I've never really told anyone about this because it's so weird and gross. It involves my bowel movements, so it's not very sexy. (No offense to scat lovers.) After I have a normal bowel movement, I pull up my jeans. When I do that, the crotch seam presses on my clit as I begin to close the zipper, and I get what I can only describe as an intense mini-orgasm. This is directly related to the recent BM because it happens only after one. I find myself just standing there in the bathroom, holding my pants up with my hands frozen on the zipper, eyes half closed, while my clit just hammers out an unsolicited series of intense orgasmic spasms. It's not a full-on climax, rather a dozen or so fluttering contractions of pleasure in my clit/pussy area. I find myself enjoying these post-poop-gasms, although it's something I've kept to myself for obvious reasons. I am not complaining. I am merely curious to know if you've ever heard of this and if you know why and how it happens. Do other people have similar experiences?

Possibly Odd Or Perhaps Curious Orgasm Mostly Enjoyed Regularly

For TIA:

I recently entered into a committed relationship with a wonderful woman. I adore this woman, she adores me and our relationship has developed quickly. I’ve never cheated before. Unfortunately I had a serious, selfish, and cruel lapse of judgement on a weekend away from her where I met with a woman from my past. Looking back I recognize I set myself up for failure through even communicating with this woman and then mixing in alcohol.

The next morning I woke naked next to this woman filled with disgust and regret for what I had done. Everything about it was a mistake. Betrayal of a partner is something I’d sworn to never participate in. Yet here I was. How could I do something so hurtful? The incident itself, and then being with my partner have made me reevaluate how she is the only person my life I want to be physically or emotionally intimate with. I will NEVER cheat again. I’m presently getting counseling (solo for now), abstaining from alcohol, and assessing a lot of my life to become a better person and partner.

My question is, do I tell this woman about my one time infidelity, or do I shoulder the guilt, become a better partner and move on?

Dumb Idiotic Cheating Kantian

I really need your help. I met a man in Feb last year. We were swimming and he asked me to his place to play backgammon. So I went and one thing lead to another and he got me really drunk and all of a sudden we were having sex a lot.

I hadn't been with a man since 2011, when my last partner died a horrific accident. In the beginning this guy reassured me that I was safe and in good hands. He also hadn't been romantically involved with anyone since his wife who he'd been broken up with 4 years earlier. He's only had a couple of girlfriends since.

So time went by and he revealed that he had a hair cutting fetish.

Thank you for the the work you do. I wrote to you once, years ago, to thank you for giving me the courage to come out as bi to my family. I still appreciate that to no end because it really helped me be who I am.

This question revolves around cheating. I've been with my boyfriend for four years. I love him very very much. I haven't slept with or thought about sleeping with anyone else beyond casual fantasies for most of that time. We haven't had sex in almost a year now. No real reason, partly, I think, because I'm not the happiest I've ever been with my body plus both of our jobs have been incredibly stressful lately. Just all those little things that happen in life adding up and both of us ignoring it.

Recently, I've started thinking about a man I work with. I've known him for over a year, we used to work quite closely together on the same team but have since changed roles slightly. He has a girlfriend, they're quite serious, live in different countries but see each other as often as they can. He's kind of an a-hole, but I'm attracted to him. He's a nice person but has some small-town mentalities that would put me off a relationship with him. I don't think I wouldn't want to be with him beyond a fling, I've just been thinking about sleeping with him a lot lately. No opportunity has arisen, I've just been trying to decide what I would do if it did. And I wanted your opinion—more than that, Dan, I wanted the opinion of a bunch of strangers on the internet haha.

Am I a monster? I don't think so, I haven't done anything I don't know that I would do anything I just feel that I need more opinions. I asked a friend of mine but she's been cheated on before so she has some serious feelings about the topic. Either way, thank you for all that you do for the community I'm a big fan and you have helped me a lot.

Questioning And Confused

I'm a 32-year-old female engaged to a 34-year-old man. Some months ago, when we were both drunk, he "got up the nerve" to show me some bestiality porn and tell me how much the thought of me with a dog turns him on. He was absolutely terrified that I would leave him over this but said he couldn't hide it anymore. I was pretty inebriated at the time, and I didn't say much. We continued to watch dog-on-girl porn, which I can't say turned me off, but mainly because it turned him on so much.

Since then, he has brought up this subject when he's inebriated. I've told him that as long as this remains a fantasy, I won't make an issue of it. I also told him that when I am sober it makes me fairly uncomfortable and that it exploits the animal involved. He argued what I'm sure a lot of people into bestiality believe: It isn't cruelty or abuse if it's a male dog doing what comes instinctively to that dog. He also told me that he once had a girlfriend who allowed a dog into their sex life, him as a voyeur, her as a participant in full-on sex with the animal. At that point I changed the subject and we had good old vanilla sex with no more talk of dogs, but he was really turned on. I love this man a lot and in every other way our lives are wonderful. We have also both cut back on drinking in the past month—this is a commitment we have made to each other.

The questions I have are these: Is just the fact that he is/we are watching this kind of porn animal abuse? Can this really remain just a fantasy for him, or will he seek this out again, especially since he has had it before? Bestiality is one of the fetishes you disapprove of, Dan, but I have no one else to ask about this.

Dog Day Shafternoon