Here's your CHEAT SHEET for the general election

New Savage Love: Jealous Typologies

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JOE NEWTON
I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for the past year. The only problem is that he works with a girl he used to fuck. It wasn’t just sex—they would go on dates and even went on vacation together. He kept this little “detail” to himself for six full months before giving himself away by mistake. He then apologized, said he hadn’t told me so that I wouldn’t worry for no reason, and that he no longer has any feelings for her whatsoever. Disclaimer: I’m an extremely jealous person with huge trust issues, so knowing he kept all this from me is devastating. I no longer trust him. Just thinking that he’s seeing—on a daily basis—a woman he used to sleep with is driving me nuts! I repeatedly asked him to let me meet her in person, at the very least, but it didn’t happen. So one night, after giving him a heads-up, I showed up at their workplace. He had said it would be ok for me to stop by sometime but once I got there he freaked out. He accused me of not trusting him! My question: Am I being crazy and overreacting—I’ll admit I’ve been agonizing non-stop about this—or is he acting like an asshole with something to hide? I’ve been struggling to curb my anxiety about this, and I’ve even had a few panic attacks he’s not aware of. Him changing jobs is out of the question.

I’m Terrified About Losing It And Nuking Everything

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New Savage Love: Don’t Give Up

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JOE NEWTON
Borrowing Gen Z's love for labelling everything, I'm a 46-year-old homoromantic asexual Canadian faggot. For me that means I'd like to love and be loved by another man but I'd hate having sex with him. To add a vexing complication, I also need some sort of power imbalance. Ideally, I would fall somewhere between being a man's sub and being his slave. I've been searching for this since I came out in my early twenties. I've tried everything. Online, bars, hobby groups, friends, hookups. Vanilla relationships, single Masters, dominant couples, sex workers. I've spent thousands of dollars on both men and therapy, but here I am busted, miserable, and alone. The point is that no one—and I mean absolutely no one—wants what I want. My dream dude doesn't exist. It's easy to tell someone to move on, that there are other fish in the sea, etc., but sometimes your sea is a puddle and you really are the only guppy. I'm considering ending my life before the end of the year. I can't shake the deep sadness and disappointment and misery that I feel—and this isn't even touching on my current unemployment or newly-chronic health issues. What would you do if you were in my shoes? How does one switch off the built-in romantic drive?

Sought A Dom Accepting Sad Singlehood

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NEW Savage Love: Direct Message

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JOE NEWTON
My husband recently passed away. He was a wonderful person and we had twelve great years together. He was also very, very organized. His death was an accident but everything was in order. He even left a note in a sealed envelope for his lawyer to present to me. It was one last love letter, Dan. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, no relationship is, but that’s who he was. Or that’s who I thought he was.

My husband was a very good-looking man who took meticulous care of his body. We actually met in a gym at a hotel. He wasn’t a conceited, which I think may be because he didn’t come into his looks until he was in his twenties, but he enjoyed the effect his appearance had on others. In addition to his last love letter and other documents, I was given a list with the passwords to my husband’s social media accounts. I made the mistake of looking at his messages on Instagram. He exchanged private images with hundreds of women and gay men all over the world. Not just photos of him shirtless. Photos of him fully nude from the front and back, images of his genitals, even video clips of him masturbating with his face clearly visible.

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Savage Love: Quickies

JOE NEWTON
JOE NEWTON
I was dumped in August by a guy I was seeing for ten months. He told me that he wants to work on himself and “needs to be selfish” right now. Since then, we have spoken every day, shared numerous dinners, and gone on hikes. Our friendship is killing me. With him I hold it together. Away from him I cry all the time. I’ve started seeing a therapist and I’m on medication. I’m trying to be mature about the breakup and match his level of “coolness” but it’s destroying me. My friends tell me that I should stay away from him, allow some time to pass, and reassess. But the thought of losing him is almost as bad as the thought of keeping him in my life.

Simply Heartbroken And Talking To Ex Really Extending Depression

P.S. I should also mention that I ended a ten-year relationship for the opportunity to date him.

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Savage Love: Roger That

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JOE NEWTON

I'm a thirty-something gay man married to a thirty-something gay man. For almost two years, we've been seeing another pair of married gay men around our age. They were our first experience with any sexual or romantic interaction outside of our relationship. The first six months were hot and heavy. We were together constantly and having sex almost every night. After the “honeymoon phase” ended, one member of the other couple (“Roger”) wanted to slow things down. Roger and I had some conflict over this, and I have to admit that I showed a pretty bad side of myself while grappling with insecurity. Eventually, Roger pulled me aside to talk one-on-one. He wanted us to be “friends who have sex sometimes.”

Then, right after the COVID-19 lockdown started, Roger and I had another heart-to-heart on my birthday. After many drinks some a lot of making out we both said we loved each other. Roger walked it back the next day. “I don't know what you thought you heard last night,” he basically said, “but I'm not in love with you.” I was devastated. This isn't what I want. I am in love with Roger and his husband. I don't want to be “friends who have sex sometimes.” My husband is OK with just being friends with Roger and his husband, especially since their large friend group has adopted us and he worries we’ll lose all these new friends if I end our friendship with Roger and his husband. I would really like to talk this out with Roger, but I'm not sure I can get through that conversation without DTMFAing him.

I mean, which was it? Were we a fun sexy fling and nothing about the last two years mattered? Or was he in love with me but decided the conflict and complication of this relationship wasn't worth it? Which was it?

Trouble In The Quad

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Savage Love: Missed Connections

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JOE NEWTON

Married guy here. I’m 33, the wife is 31. Our fifth anniversary is next month but we’ve been together for almost eight years. We’ve recently both come out to each other as bi. She tried to tell me a long time ago whereas I came to the realization only recently. We’re both interested in new sexual encounters and this weekend we met up with a with a male escort. It was my first sexual experience with a man and the first sexual encounter between my wife and another man in eight years… and we found it lacking. It was too short, and too impersonal. Is this how it usually goes with escorts? Should we have been more upfront with our interests ahead of time? We don’t want to keep spending the money if we’re not getting the experience we want. We need to stay fairly discreet for most of these encounters due to our careers. Appreciate any input.

Basking In Confusion Over Underwhelming, Pitifully Lackluster Experience

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New Savage Love: Premies

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JOE NEWTON
I'm a straight man who’s been dating a woman for not quite four months. In the beginning things were light. But things started to get heavy quickly. Two weeks in she revealed her very serious abandonment issues and then began asking me whether I really loved her and demanding reassurance that I wasn’t going anywhere and she wouldn’t be “just a single chapter” in my life. After a month, I met her seven-year-old son, her parents, and her ex. Then we had a pregnancy scare. She told me that if she was pregnant she would keep it because then I would have to stay. That alarmed me. I voiced that we’d been dating for very a short time and this wasn’t a good time for either of us to have a child. She wasn’t pregnant, luckily. Even before this incident, my body had started to manifest signs of anxiety—upset stomach, sleepless nights, loss of appetite, etc. So, I summoned up all of my courage (conversations like this are extremely difficult for me) and told her that I couldn't do this anymore. She started to cry and begged me to give her a second chance. I wound up spending the rest of the weekend at her place and agreed to stay in the relationship. But I didn’t feel good about it. When I finally got back to my place, I felt anxious, confused, hollow, and hopeless. I tried to end things again after speaking to my therapist but she won't take no for an answer and constantly brings up the promises I made her about really loving her. I hate this and I feel terrible for her son. Any thoughts on how to dismantle this thing? Or do I just need to run?

Passionate Reassurances Extracted So Soon Undoes Relationship Exit

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Savage Love

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JOE NEWTON
I'm a 29-year-old straight woman in Pennsylvania. My question is to do with choking and consent. I've had two experiences in the past six months or so where someone has tried to choke me without my consent. The first time this happened, I coughed immediately but he tried multiple times during sex. I was caught so off-guard that I didn't say anything until the next morning. I told him I wasn't okay with that and that it was too much. The second time, I shook my head as soon as he put his hand on my throat and he stopped immediately. I told him, "That scared the shit out of me." He apologized for startling me and said he wouldn't do it again. My question is, why is this a thing? The fact that this has happened to me more than once in a short period of time kind of shocked me. And what is the appropriate thing to do when this happens? What should I do with the person who does this?

Concerned Hetero Over Kinky Entitled Dumbasses

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There Isn't Someone for Everybody

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We're revisiting some of the most popular Savage Love letters of all time and organizing them in our new Best Savage Love Letters of the Day section. Today's fan favorite comes from August, 2014. —Eds. Note


I'm a 47-year-old heterosexual male, never married, no kids, and single for many years now. I've always appreciated your statements on the podcast that there isn't someone for everyone. I also agree with your statement it's impossible to give the undateable useful dating advice, and I'm not asking for such advice here.

I've never wanted kids, and over the last few years I've made peace with the fact I've been alone a long time, and will likely be alone for many more years. I have a good job, I have friends, hobbies, I go out and enjoy myself. I recognize my life is pretty good, and I'm grateful for what I have. I'm not shutting the door completely on love, but I'm working on not beating myself up over not being partnered.

So what's the problem? The opinion of everyone else in the world.

It comes across in many ways. A co-worker gets married, then has a child, and everyone talks how this is achievement—like marriage and children are items you accumulate. Someone mutters "He's X years old and unmarried—is he gay or a serial killer?" I was listening to another popular podcast where the host and guest discussed how many times they'd both been married and then the host suggests if you're over 40 and have never been married "something is wrong with you!" Well, I'm far from perfect but I see nothing wrong with me that isn't wrong with married folks with kids. My personal pet peeve is people who tell me I just haven't grown up. Excuse me? I'm a child because I don't have kids? I can give myself all the pep talks in the mirror, but society keeps telling me that being old and single indicates some horrific personality flaw that wipes out any positive qualities. I get it: People judge. We all judge. It's human nature. But having the value of my entire existence boiled down to whether I have a romantic partner or offspring just sticks in my craw.

My question then is simple: Is this constant feeling of being judged just something I have to live with? Do you have some thought or insight on this?

Single Not A Psycho

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Orphaned Blow Up Doll

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We're revisiting some of the most popular Savage Love letters of all time and organizing them in our new Best Savage Love Letters of the Day section. Today's fan favorite comes from December, 2017, and includes a picture. —Eds. Note


I have a question for you, finally. Maybe it's a common question. Maybe it's just a story. I have an approximately 20 year old blow up doll, new in package, that has been in outdoor storage for part of that time, so I found a spider nest, a couple ants, some debris. Cleaned her up, she holds air, and—after dressed—I can see why they might appeal to imaginative doll or oddity collector. When I claimed the doll, I was thinking, "You guys can't throw this away! It was made to be cared for, and as a piece of art, it should at least be used, and not wasted!" Especially after I saw that face. The face doesn't fully blow up, so we put sunglasses on her, so she looks ok.

Question is: How do we get rid of her? It's a Teighlor Big Babe Doll, and I looked it up, and she didn't receive any of the profits on the doll, her image was stolen for it. Also, I don't want to give her to someone that would abuse her, as I know humans are want to do. I bet you will ultimately tell me to leave a note down at the porn store and maybe someone will want it. I just had a glimmer of hope that you might know someone offhand that collects these sorts of things or who has a special place in their heart for Teighlor. There is a little mildew spotting on her breasts that didn't come off with isopropyl alcohol, but other than that, she's in great shape for being boxed for twenty years. I cleaned her "tongue," there were some cobwebs in there, but I could not bring myself to violate her nether orifices. They told me it was unused, and I believe them.

Thank You for your time.

Delivering Onna Lotta Lover

P.S. I've enclosed a photo.

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My Son Just Came Out as Poly

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We're revisiting some of the most popular Savage Love letters of all time and organizing them in our new Best Savage Love Letters of the Day section. Today's fan favorite comes from September, 2015. —Eds. Note

Our son, who is almost 30 years old, was married four years ago. He just shared with us that for the last three years he and his wife have been practicing polyamory. They are committed to their relationship, but have each had relationships with both men and women over the last three years. We are trying to get our heads around this, as we come from a more traditional background (we've been married 40 years in a loving and respectful relationship), and we find ourselves feeling very sad. We are accepting and non-judgmental, just trying to understand how he came to this decision. He feels that to make love "finite," to love only one person, is "not being true" and that this kind of relationship prevents dishonesty and is based on truth. He also shared that his wife was the first one to broach this idea three years ago and after many long and deep conversations he eventually overcame his jealousy and now is embracing this practice. They do not have children and do not plan to ever have children. Any guidance you can provide to us would be greatly appreciated.

I greatly admire you and your work, and thank you for all of the caring guidance you have provided over the years.

Sad Mama

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Just Take It!

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We're revisiting some of the most popular Savage Love letters of all time and organizing them in our new Best Savage Love Letters of the Day section. Today's fan favorite comes from April, 2018. —Eds. Note


I'm a 24-year-old gay woman living in a large midwestern city. My 26-year-old girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and we just got a house together a few months ago. Believe it or not, things are going great! Even though our sex drives are vastly different, we enjoy a loving, satisfying level of physical intimacy.

However, it took us a while to get to this point. Her sex drive is much lower than mine, so I've had to step up in our relationship and become the primary initiator—something I definitely wasn't used to since I previously only dated/slept with men. I'm more than happy to be the one who gets things going most of the time, because even though my drive is leagues above hers she's usually game once I put on the moves.

Lately, I've expressed an interest in changing things up a bit. Instead of super-long, super-hot lady sex sessions, I've tried to make things a little more one-sided. Rather than tit-for-tat sex, sometimes I just want to go down on her or rail her a strap-on without receiving anything in return. She STRONGLY opposes this. She says that me giving to her makes her want to give to me, which is fair. I'd feel the same way in that situation. But I also believe that in a long-term relationship things aren't always going to be reciprocal. I'm into that. I'm a squirter, and sometimes we just don't have time for the prep and cleanup that's required.

Obviously, I don't want to force her into having a kind of sexual experience she doesn't want to have! But what am I supposed to do about my fantasies of surprising her with an oral quickie on my way out the door in the morning?

Giving Is Getting

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New Savage Love: Fantasy Figures

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JOE NEWTON
I’ve been married for thirty years to the same man. I have dealt with his tantrums, his screaming, and his fits. He’s always had anger management issues. He strangled me once a few months after our son was born and never did it again. I would have left otherwise. He’s had relationships with other women but always swore it was just online. Then, a few years back, I got into an online relationship with someone online. I never actually met this person, just as my husband claimed he’d never met the women he was talking to online. I had opened up to this person about our troubles and I talked about my husband’s anger issues and some other private things. This person encouraged me to have an affair but I kept putting him off. Finally, I told him I did it, I had an affair, it was great, etc. It wasn’t true but it seemed like that’s what he wanted to hear. About thirty minutes after I told him I got a call from my husband! This person had sent it all to him! All of our conversations, everything, every detail. My husband flipped out but we worked it out and moved on.

Then a few months ago, right at the start of the pandemic, I found out that my husband has been speaking to other women. I also found out that he’s been meeting other women in hotel rooms in other cities and all this time I believed him about never meeting with anyone in person! He claims he has erectile dysfunction but it was clear from the messages I saw that he is having sex with these other women. So he’s somehow fucking other women despite the erectile dysfunction that prevents him from fucking me?!?

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The Hole Truth

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We're revisiting some of the most popular Savage Love letters of all time and organizing them in our new Best Savage Love Letters of the Day section. Today's fan favorite comes from May, 2018. —Eds. Note


I have two vaginas. I'd had a number of routine pelvic exams with my old doctor, but she never discovered it. My new gyno, however, discovered my "atypical anatomy" right away last week. The anatomical specifics are irrelevant to my question—everything is fully functioning, sex isn't painful, and everything externally looks completely normal.

I'm a straight girl in my early 20s and I've only had one sex partner. Sex was great, and only occasionally did I have to take the guy's dick and redirect him to the "better" vagina. We were each other's firsts—at the time I figured the occasional readjustment was par for the course. I didn't find out about my two vaginas (sounds like a sitcom) until after the relationship ended.

My question: Is this something I need to reveal to new partners before sex? After? Ever?

Very Abnormal Girl

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Is My Husband Too Hot for Us to Open Our Relationship?

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We're revisiting some of the most popular Savage Love letters of all time and organizing them in our new Best Savage Love Letters of the Day section. Today's fan favorite comes from May, 2018. —Eds. Note


I guess I'm bi-curious. I have known since I was about nine that I like girls. As I got to high school I got caught staring at a girl's boobs and one girl's body and was made fun of pretty bad. I also made the mistake of telling one of my high school boyfriends about it. He didn't like it. I regretted telling him, I felt something was wrong with me, so I never hooked up with any girls in high school. I tell you all of this to get some background and see if you can help me tell if it's not just bicurious but bisexual.

Anyhow, in summer after my senior year met my husband & at 18 started dating. A few years into it I told him about my attraction to women and he is cool with it, but we made a decision to be monogamous, so no acting on it. We can watch porn together, we can check out girls together and make fun of each other for our preferences in women.

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