Shaun Scott Wins Candidate Survivor 2019

Low Testosterone, DNA Tests, Pep Talks—Reader Advice Roundup

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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: The much younger partner in an intergenerational relationship has been cheating from the start—will he ever change? Woman stumbles over evidence she's not her boyfriend's "ideal" type—should she end it? She fucked a couple that has herpes—does she need to disclose to future sex partners? Her husband didn't reveal his kinks until their wedding night and threatens to cheat on her if she doesn't meet all his needs—does she exist? Also, this week's Savage Love and last week's Savage Lovecast.

I included a followup question/concern in the email I sent to Wavering And Angry letting him know his question was the SLLOTD: If he did decide to dump his cheating boyfriend, I wrote, I hoped he wasn't going to make his boyfriend homeless in the process. WAA wrote back...

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Here's Hoping This One Is Fake (But It Probably Isn't, Which Is Too Bad)

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I'm a straight woman married to a wonderful man who claims to be a polyamorous sex addict. He hid both his addiction and his tendency to be polyamorous from me until a few days after we got married. Once we married he also disclosed his desire to participate in BDSM and admitted to having encounters with men and transgender people. While I respect him and appreciate his openness I feel betrayed that he hid these things about himself until after we married. I understand that we live in a judgmental society and that people with his tastes are often ridiculed but I can't help but feel betrayed that he hid such a big part of himself from me. It makes it difficult to trust him.

I am now fearful that if I don't meet his needs he will cheat on me. He has promised me that as long as I meet his sexual needs he will not cheat. But I can't always meet his expectations. He has a very high sex drive and demands not just sex but BDSM sex every day. (Vanilla sex bores him.) I feel that I have to perform and entertain him constantly in the bedroom or I run the risk of being cheated on. He becomes angry with me if I don't meet his needs. Sometimes I just want to make love and not put on a show. I have tried to compromise by doing BDSM on some nights and then having vanilla on others but he doesn't get aroused unless there's BDSM or some other sexual show. I had never been exposed to BDSM or sex with two men or with transgender people before him. I have tried to keep an open mind and to my surprise I find I do like the BDSM sex but I'm afraid of bringing in a third person (male or female) since he has admitted to being polyamorous and I am afraid that it won't be enough to satisfy him since he admits to being a sex addict and has never been faithful to anyone except me.

He threatens me when I'm too tired to put on the BDSM show by saying he is going to go sleep with prostitutes. I don't deprive him. We have sex five to eight times a week. How long can I expect him to be faithful? So far I have been able to do what he likes but the requests are becoming more demanding. He wants me to consider doing a gang bang. I am not comfortable with this. Should I turn a blind eye and let him go fulfill his needs that I cannot fulfill with someone else? Or am I being insecure by not trusting him even though he has admitted to betraying everyone he has ever loved in his past? Do I have some valid concerns? I grew up in a strict Catholic family and was never exposed to different types of sex. How do we reconcile this?

Wanting To Be Open

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Savage Love: Quickies

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I took Molly with my best bud. We wound up cuddling and telling each other everything. We didn't mess around—we're both straight guys—but one of the things I told him is that I would much rather eat pussy than fuck, and one of the things he told me is that he's not at all into eating pussy and pretty much only likes to fuck. I think we'd make a great team: We're both good-looking, athletic dudes and we should find a woman who loves to have her pussy eaten and loves to get fucked. I would go down on her and get her going (and coming), then he steps in and dicks her down (and gets her off one last time). What say you?

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I would say, "FUCK YES!" if I were a woman, UPD, which I'm not. And while I can't promise you every woman will have the same reaction I did, some women most definitely will.

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She Slept With a Couple That Has Herpes—Does She Need to Disclose That Fact to All Future Sex Partners?

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I've gotten myself into a little mess. I had a few threesomes with two close friends with the impression that a loving triad was a possibility. Apparently it's not—but that's not the problem. It just means this will be a short-lived fling rather than the relationship I wanted. The problem is that they have herpes. They're on suppressing meds and haven't had an outbreak in more than a year. Also, their first outbreaks were extremely mild. I get tested for STIs relatively, but I've never been tested for herpes. I've never had an outbreak and strongly believe that the stigma is worse than the reality. If partners ask what I've been tested for, I'll tell them I haven't been tested for herpes and why not (the stigma worse than the reality), but otherwise I let people make their own assumptions and choices. Is it ethically wrong for me to continue doing that since I now know for sure that I've been with people with herpes? It's so common that there's no way I haven't been exposed before as a sexually active 30-something, but knowing makes it a little different.

Suddenly Unsure Regarding Ethics

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Tickets on Sale NOW for the 15th Annual HUMP! Film Festival!

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When we issued a "call for submissions" for an amateur porn film festival fifteen years ago... well, let's just say we had our doubts. We weren't sure anyone would make a dirty movie for a film festival playing in the city where they lived, much less enough people to fill up a festival. We were so unsure about whether anyone would submit a film to what we were calling "HUMP!" that we announced the festival without first booking a theater. Why put a deposit down on a venue when we weren't even sure we'd have enough films to screen? Or any films to screen? Our doubts were baseless. Films poured into our offices as the deadline approached. We were overwhelmed not just by the number of films, but by their quality. So we quickly booked a theater and announced that—holy shit—this was really happening!

Then we had new doubts. Would people watch porn the way their grandparents did? Would they come sit next to strangers in a dark theater and watch dirty movies? The answer to that question was YES. Yes, they would. Screenings sold out so fast that we had to double then triple the number of showtimes.

HUMP! has been going strong ever since! From the start HUMP! has showcased short dirty movies—maximum running time is five minutes—made just for HUMP! audiences by friends and lovers who are excited to share their unique visions of what porn can be. HUMP! films run the gamut from hardcore to softcore, live action to animation, serious to comic. HUMP! is queer and straight, cis and trans, vanilla and kinky, binary and non, inside your comfort zone and outside your comfort zone. And because we don't release HUMP! films online—or sell VHS tapes or DVDs—HUMP! makes it possible for people to be porn stars in a movie theater for a weekend without having to be porn stars for eternity on the internet. (Some HUMP! filmmakers release their movies online after the festival, but most of the films made for HUMP! can only be seen at HUMP!) And HUMP! now tours all of North America!

Tickets for the 15th Annual HUMP! Film Festival are ON SALE NOW! Some limited discounted early bird tix are still available! HUMP! tickets go fast and choice screenings sell out quickly—so get your tickets now!

All the dirty details...

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Woman Finds Evidence She Isn't Her Boyfriend's Type (And Why That Shouldn't Be a Problem)

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Admittedly I don't listen to your podcast religiously but as soon as I told my best friend this story she said, "That's a question for Dan savage!" Back story, I have a monogamous partner who I live with. It's a heterosexual relationship but we are both bisexual and we've both had sexual relationships with men and women previously. That little inkling of homosexuality really drew me to him when we first met. He also told me early on about his previous girlfriend who looked like a "Suicide Girl" but had serious issues and they only had sex ten times in three years. (This is relevant for later.)

I'm by no means a suicide girl. I'm pretty average looking with natural colored hair, no tattoos, no makeup, and an affinity for baggy t-shirts and jeans. I love having sex but rarely do I present myself as "sexy." Recently I found out/noticed that my boyfriend religiously follows and likes sexy photographs of hundreds of women on Instagram and 95% look absolutely nothing like me. (Remember the hot suicide girl girlfriend? They mostly look like her.) It made me really upset. I felt insecure about myself, I felt distrustful of his positive comments about how I look, like he doesn't actually think I'm sexy. It certainly doesn't help that I want to have sex way more often than he does. He's always "tired." I was angry at him and instantly craving to go back to a sexual relationship with past partners who thought I was the bees fucking knees.

When I asked him about it he looked at me dumbfounded like he had no idea why I would be upset. Eventually he came up with the response that he likes looking at these half naked girls the same way he likes looking at cute cats on Instagram and that he feels like he's supporting these women and he thinks he's actually supporting these women because they feel empowered by all the men leaving comments like "show me your boobs" and "I wanna shove my cock in you" on their posts. Now he said he deleted his Instagram just to make me happy but I still feel shitty about the whole thing. Am I being oversensitive? Is he being insensitive? Could we be sexually incompatible? I'm ready to look outside of our relationship for sexual interactions at this point.

Your Very Ordinary Instagram Girl

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He Gave an Ultimatum to His Cheating Boyfriend: Recommit Or Quit

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I'm a gay man in my early 50s who has been in a relationship with a man twenty-two years my junior for the last eleven years. I love him with all my heart, but I am about to call it quits. We've been through an extremely rocky patch just lately, but now that things had calmed down in our lives, I thought we were ready to recommit to each other, maybe even get married because it's something he's wanted for a long time.

Here's my problem: throughout our relationship I've caught him cheating at various times. He says he's not, that it didn't happen, and if it did happen, it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be, and even if it is that bad, his horrific childhood is to blame, not him. I told him just a few days ago that I wanted to recommit or quit because we haven't had sex in some time and I feel that I deserve to be in a sexual relationship because I don't know how much longer I'll be able to have sex at all. My health is good, I'm very sturdy, but sex is a young person's game and I know that if I try to find a new relationship it will be difficult because the only people who want to fuck an old man are generally either old men themselves or kinda creepy. I'm not complaining about that, mind you—I don't want to be with another old man myself and after my boyfriend's numerous infidelities, my self esteem has really taken a beating.

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Reader Advice Roundup: One Woman Who (Wisely!) Took My Advice and One Woman Who (Wisely!) Disregarded My Advice

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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: He doesn't want to cheat on his current girlfriend and he's worried he might if he meets face-to-face with the ex-girlfriend he's technically never actually met before. For six months everything was great with her first post-divorce boyfriend but now her friends are telling her to dump him. This reader recently met the half-sibling they never knew they had and they're already making out and they might be fucking soon and HELP! And, as always, this week's Savage Love and Savage Lovecast.

First up, we hear back from the woman whose letter prompted me to post a video of someone banging her head on a desk one thousand times...

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They Met as Adults and Now They're Making Out Like Adults... There's Just One Problem

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I’m a person. My reluctance to reveal any other information about my identity will become clear shortly. Years ago I found out I have an opposite-sex half sibling. We recently met and quickly bonded. We went from speaking on the phone to spending time with each other. The problem now is that we're obsessively attracted to one another. We began holding hands and then cuddling. But recently things have progressed to make-out sessions that leave me feeling highly conflicted. I feel in many ways that I have found my "soulmate," as ridiculous as that sounds.

I'm right there with you. I know how this looks. I've read the requisite articles about GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) but the science seems touch-and-go at best. I know you strongly believe the incest taboo needs to stay in place for society as a whole to not be totally gross. I fully agree. The thought of sleeping with any of the family members I grew up around makes me want to bash my own skull into bits.

My question is: how do I get over this and cultivate a normal relationship with my half-sibling? I'm deeply ashamed of how I feel, but I feel known and understood by someone for the first time in years. It's confusing. Please, please help.

Deeply Ashamed

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I Just Can't with This Shit Today

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I’m a straight 44-year-old woman who has been in a relationship for over a year with a 44-year-old straight man. We connected on Tinder four months after my divorce. Everything was great for the first six months. However, I travel four days a week for work. He knew about this and didn’t seem to have a problem with it initially, but once that six-month mark hit, it became more of an issue.

He is quite sexual, which I enjoy 99% of the time. Except when I’m exhausted from work and travel. My job can be quite demanding. Sometimes requiring up to 60 hours a week in addition to the time spent traveling. I’m also an introvert in a pretty interactive job, which can be draining. He, on the other hand, makes his own hours. I have explained to him that I need my downtime on occasion to recuperate. To which he replies that I have my personal time during the week when I’m traveling and therefore shouldn’t need it on the weekends so I can spend time with him and his kids (from a previous relationship).

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Should He Finally Meet His "Ex" in Person?

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I am a male 20-year-old college student and I have a dilemma on my hands. In order for you to make an informed response to this question you have to know a little history first.
Almost 3 and a half years ago I met someone on the Internet whom I immediately befriended because of our knack of conversing for hours. After about a year of talking on and off we started to become more serious in our conversations. This eventually developed into a relationship, the best I have ever had. I have never been more emotionally satisfied with a relationship before or sense. The only problem was, she lived in Nevada and I in Pennsylvania. After trying to do a long term relationship for a few months, she made it clear she could not be in the relationship any longer because she needed the physical side of the relationship also. I knew this was for the best but it hurt nonetheless.

About three months after this break up I found a new significant other who I am still with. The relationship I am in now is great, emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. I could not be happier. But I have started talking again to the ex. She has recently moved and has her own apartment now and I now have the funds to finally open the door to actually meet her in person. We have been discussing a trip because we have wanted to meet for many years but have never had the chance. This creates many problems. My ex and I have discussed how if we were able to meet face-to-face, something will happen. We both still have feelings for each other and we may get overwhelmed given the excitement of actually seeing each other. Hooking up seems like an inevitability.

I have no fucking idea what to do. I would love a little help. I feel I can articulate this situation and my feelings of not wanting to leave my current girlfriend to my current girlfriend but given the situation I feel as if she would immediately be very angry and break up with me. This reaction is completely understandable because I would obviously be cheating on her if I hooked up with my ex. I just feel as if I need to gain some sort of closure on the relationship by going through with this trip and actually having what I could not have many years ago. I know all of this is selfish because I just want to have the relationship I missed out on but I can't help to feel that there is something genuine and real there that I need to experience. I guess my question is, should I go ahead and see this ex and go where that takes me? If I was to do this, I feel it would be unfair to not let me girlfriend know about the situation and I would love some help on how I could tell her about this. Let me know what your take on the situation is and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

What To Do About My Ex

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Reader Advice Roundup: Thoughts About Abortion and Someone You Should Be Following On Instagram

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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: Multiple sex partners and the not-so-single girl who doesn't wanna get pregnant. The runaway husband with the pregnant girlfriend returns—but he's got some (unreasonable) demands for his wife. A whole lot of straight drama that somehow doesn't involve a pregnancy. And she was sure she couldn't get pregnant and told her married lover she couldn't get pregnant and now—surprise—she's pregnant. Plus this week's Savage Love and Savage Lovecast.

While I unpacked the reckless idiocy of the choices made by ETGAETL's boyfriend in my response, I didn't take the time to pick apart the game he's playing now. Luckily for ETGAETL, NoCuteName took up the baton...

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She Told Him She Couldn't Get Pregnant Because She Didn't Think She Could and Now She Is—What Should She Do?

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I've long been a fan and, for the first time, I find myself in a situation where I am truly stuck and unable to make a decision and wondering what your advice would be. To put it bluntly, I've been having an affair with a married man and am now pregnant. Having a child has always been my dream and did not seem possible due to medical issues, life circumstances, and, more recently, age. To set up the context of the relationship…

We started this relationship against our better judgments and our own moralities and subsequently fell deeply in love. We both understand the limitations of our relationship. His family comes first and our relationship is time-limited. We know it has to end soon but haven't been able to break it off. For many years, I've told men, when asked about birth control, that "there's nothing to worry about" or "got that covered" if I felt comfortable not using a condom. I know that the assumption was "she's on the pill or something" rather than "she has a negligible chance of getting pregnant naturally," but the latter is too complicated/painful to discuss early in relationships and I honestly don't think much about it after trust is built because it is that much of a non-issue. Or so I thought.

Now this has happened and we essentially are down to two options: abortion or not. I cannot have an abortion. He cannot live with having a child he cannot raise. Neither of us could live with breaking up his family by coming clean. This is tearing both of us up. I want to be able to have the abortion because I hate seeing him in so much pain and there are moments when I think I can do it. Then everything inside me revolts at the thought. I know he was misled and that makes it harder for me to justify having a say in this. I know I shouldn't have an equal say but I don't think I should entirely lose any say. I can't bear the thought of condemning him to a lifetime of misery and guilt. But I cannot accept having an abortion. I just can't do it. But not having an abortion is the most selfish, most inhumane thing I can do to the person I love most in this world.

So I've agreed to start the process. I’m researching clinics, making appointments, etc. But I can easily see myself not being able to go through with it the day of. I've already fantasized about being dragged in and sedated long enough for them to get things moving so the choice is out of my hands. And I worry that's what it might come to. I’m worried I might have to ask him to physically make me do it. And that's not fair. None of this is fair and I recognize that much of the responsibility for this falls on me. But to me, this conception is miraculous and it may be my only chance at a healthy baby. Even if I can wrap my head around ever trying again, if I can forgive myself enough to try again, my age alone may preclude the possibility of having a healthy baby in the future.

I don't feel I have the right to choose. The weight of my deception and his circumstances really should make abortion the obvious, albeit gut-wrenching, solution. But I'm still so stuck... I have to do it but I can't do it. He deserves better than this but I don't think that I deserve this either. What are your thoughts? It would help to have an objective opinion.

Everything To Gain And Everything To Lose

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Savage Love: Boundaries

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Joe Newton

I'm a 42-year-old single, straight female who recently started dating a 36-year-old man in a somewhat exclusive, long-distance relationship. We have known each other for a short time, but have clocked hours upon hours on the phone. I have specifically stated many times I don't want kids of my own (he does), am extremely safety conscious (only when I see someone's STI results and know we're 100 percent monogamous will I go "bareback"), and am against hormonal contraception. Therefore, I've insisted on the use of condoms since our very first encounter, which he at first reluctantly agreed to, but has since obliged without incident. He is expressively into me and treats me better than any guy I've dated; cooks for me, gives me massages, buys me gifts, showers me with compliments, listens to me at any hour of the night, and has shown nothing but respect towards me since Day 1.

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A Lot of Drama Leads to a Lot of Questions

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I enjoy sharing your podcast and watching people blush over the remarks you make. Thanks for the hours and hours of entertainment. It's my turn to ask questions and here is the watered down version: I lived with and completely loved a man for over six years. It was my most true and sincere feeling. I am 32 he is 30. I always wanted to marry him. He didn't believe in marriage and said he didn't need a piece of paper to want to be with me forever. I believed him.

Last summer, he proposed to me, as a gift—despite it all. A month later: I developed a crush on another man while he was out of town (his type of work requires him to go away a lot). I wrote it down and tried to forget about it. A month after that: He read it in my journal (another issue entirely) and asked me not to talk to this person anymore. I denied that I had feelings for this other person, believing they would pass. I refused to obey my fiance's wish. He left town for two weeks for work. On day 13 the crush and I kissed. I told my fiance immediately and again he forbade me never to see the crush. I agreed, with hesitations. Crush purposefully left town for a while. I was super stressed, because you aren't supposed to have strong feelings for two men at the same time. It was really confusing and overpowering and stressful. One second I was planning the wedding, the next I was smiling about a joke the crush made. I felt insane and emotionally empty at times.

Two weeks before the wedding, crush and I kissed again.

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