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New Savage Love: Power Tripping

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Joe Newton

I’m a 26-year-old masculine straight guy who loves exploiting the fantasies so many gay men have about straight men. When a gay guy is into me because I look like his straight-masculine-jock dream, it’s a power trip like no other. It’s always a specific type of bottom gay dude I seek out when I get on Grindr: a very feminine “thicc” guy with a pretty face and physical features begging for a dick. The kind of guy where from the right angles you can’t tell the difference between his big ass and a thicc chick’s big ass. And I always follow the same script: I send my dick pics, I make one of these thicc bottom boys want me, and I tell him to send me a video of him twerking like a stripper for me. But I don’t go through with the meetup. I’ve experimented a few times and have gotten head from a few guys, but I have no interest in dick or fucking one of these dudes. I don’t want to harm anyone or live a lie, but I don’t feel queer or bisexual at all. I actually feel like I’m “earning my heterosexuality” when I do this. It’s like I’m proving to myself just how straight I am by teasing these gay guys. And in all honestly, I feel like I’m doing them a service because a lot of gay guys are looking for that rare, mythical thing—the straight and strict Dom top—and I can play that role. But on some level, this all seems pretty fucked up and I don’t know why I do this and sometimes I’m confused by it. I also worry this comes from a homophobic place. (“Look at this dumb twink, he’s so stupid and obsessed with dick he’ll do whatever I tell him to, I’m the alpha.”) And I guess it is homophobic because when you remove the intensity and power trip of being the straight male in this scenario, I just have no interest in guys at all. I know this was heavy. Sorry. But please answer my question.

Ally Loves Personifying Homophobic Assholes

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Bill Radke Is Talking 30 Years of Savage Love with Me at My Book Launch on Friday, September 24 at Town Hall!

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Come join me and KUOW’s Bill Radke at Town Hall as we celebrate THIRTY. FUCKING. YEARS. of Savage Love and my new book, Savage Love from A to Z, a collaboration between me and former Stranger art director and long-time Savage Love illustrator Joe Newton. It’s filled with brand new illustrations and essays based on some of my classic bits of advice — like being GGG and Fucking First. We’ll talk about sex and how it’s changed over the last thirty years (and how it hasn’t!) and I’ll probably say something that makes Bill blush. Admission price comes with a copy of the book, and I’ll be signing them after the show.

Get your tickets here!


Sponsored

David Sedaris returns to Seattle, after a two-year Covid delay, for his annual reading and signing at Benaroya Hall on Sunday, November 7

With sardonic wit and incisive social critiques, he will once again delight the audience with twists of humor and intelligence as he shares both published stories and works-in-progress. This tour celebrates the October 2021 publication of his newest book Carnival of Snackery: Diaries 2003-2020 The San Francisco Chronicle says, “Sedaris belongs on any list of people writing in English at the moment who are revising our ideas about what’s funny.”

Tickets available NOW!


Savage Love: Hands On

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Joe Newton
I’m a 35-year-old straight woman living in the Midwest. I was seeing a massage therapist for three years and we became very close friends. I referred my friends to him and helped him grow his business. He eventually disclosed to me that he had developed feelings for me. I went into instant shock and said that I had no idea and I thought we were only growing in our friendship. He told me that he had to tell me and wanted to leave it up to me if I felt comfortable continuing to see him. I was really numb from my shock and thought I was okay at first, only later realizing how upset and violated I felt. I never went back to him. I found out that he closed his practice during COVID. My question is, should I report him to his ethics board?

Really Upset By Bewildering Erotic Disclosure

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Savage Love: On the Down Blow

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Joe Newton

I’m a gay man. After a decade together and five years of marriage, my husband informed me he wasn’t really interested in sex anymore. That was a year ago and we haven’t had sex since. He told me I should leave him, if regular sex was “really that important” to me, but if I chose to stay, I had to remain “faithful.” To him that means me not having sex with anyone else. I’m 35, he’s 38, and he doesn’t see his unilateral decision to end our sex life as him breaking faith with me. There’s also the issue of financial dependance. I am NOT dependent on him, he is dependent on ME. I didn’t want to abandon him during a pandemic while he’s unemployed, so I stayed. Now he tells me he’s asexual and accuses me of being unsupportive of his sexual identity if I so much as mention missing sex. To make a long story short, three months ago I met a guy at work. We’re the only people on our floor currently coming into the office and we got to talking and it turned out he’s bisexual and married but open. I’ve been blowing him a couple of times a week for the last two months. He’s close to my age, and I really need this. We aren’t in the same department, so I don’t report to him, and he doesn’t report to me. He doesn’t reciprocate, but I don’t care. I wasn’t on Grindr and didn’t go looking for this. Do I need to feel bad about it?

Cheating Homo On Knees Eating Dick

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Savage Love: Counseled Culture

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Joe Newton

Hello! I am a heterosexual man! My wife came out as a lesbian after thirty years of marriage. We have children together and we love each other. Therefore, we’ve decided not to divorce. We visited some therapists, and they all coerced us to divorce even though we really do not want that. We believe that an open relationship would satisfy both of us. I’ve always wanted a threesome anyway! We read some books about opening up a relationship and we feel like we could make an open marriage work. And we know there are others out there, so we know it’s possible! Divorce is not in our plan.

My questions are…

1. Is it normal for therapists to force a couple to divorce when the couple does not want that?
2. Can open relationships be awesome relationships?

Shrinks Hereabouts Revel In Not Knowing Shit

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New Savage Love: Quickies

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JOE NEWTON
I’m a woman who recently went out on a third date with a man. I invited him back to my place and we started making out, which led to him going down on me. Moments later he took off his pants and to my surprise he had a micro penis. I was shocked and turned off. I did not want to continue, but knowing how sensitive men can be, I maintained a poker face, did my best to not let on that I was turned off, and he was able to orgasm. Is there a nice way to let someone know you do not want to continue to have sex because of their penis size? And is there a responsibility on the part of a person with a micro penis to disclose that fact before sex? I think I would've been less turned off if I wasn't so shocked.

Smaller Men And Lessons Learned

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New Savage Love: Game Over

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JOE NEWTON

Is it ever ok to stop being GGG? I’ve been with my husband for 26 years. Shortly after we got together, my husband disclosed a major kink: MFM threesomes. I was young and a virgin and up for anything then, but we didn’t start hooking up with other men until around year six of our relationship. Over the last twenty years we’ve been on-and-off with this. We had children, we took a break, and we found the time to go wild now and then. My husband's interests expanded into dominance play—owning me and sharing me—but I’m in my late forties now and my husband is in his fifties. I’m approaching menopause and my sex drive has decreased. There were also instances where I was basically sexually assaulted—or at the very least, my boundaries were not respected on more than one occasion. Long story short, I want to be done being kinky. I want my body to be mine. My husband and I have been having other marital problems, and he thinks my rejection of his kinkiness is a rejection of him. I’ve told him I’m still interested in sex, I’m just tired of being GGG. He says he isn't interested in vanilla sex with me because he is “disappointed.” When I told him to outsource his kink, he said, “Good luck finding that as a married man.” Am I ever allowed to retire from his kink? Am I the asshole here?

My Years Being Obedient Done

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New Savage Love: Reunion Blues

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JOE NEWTON
I fell in love with my second cousin about four years ago at a family reunion. (I hadn't laid eyes on him since I was a kid!) I was fifteen when we met, he was two years older, and we were in a long-distance relationship for three years. We ended things a year ago, and I'm going to be seeing him for the first time since our breakup at another family reunion this fall. He's bringing his new girlfriend. Do I have a responsibility to make her feel comfortable? Do I avoid him and risk family drama? I've done so much to work through this, Dan, and I'd love to see this as a healthy exercise in staying true to myself.

Cancel On Upcoming Shindig? I'm Not Sure!

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New Savage Love: Mum and Dad

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JOE NEWTON

I'm a 24-year-old gay man with a 31-year-old bi boyfriend. I've known since we got together that he's a lot more sexually experienced than I am, but it's never been a big deal before now. This weekend, he met my parents for what we thought would be the first time. But it turns out that ten years ago, during his "big bi slut phase" (his words), they had a threesome. I recognize that no one did anything wrong—they were three consenting adults—and it's not like anyone could’ve known that he and I would get together in the future. But also, my boyfriend fucked my parents! I'm mortified, he's mortified, they're mortified, and I may never be able to look at my parents again. Please help us find a way to move past this!


I Knew He Was Into Blonds

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New Savage Love: Crabs

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JOE NEWTON
I’m a gay male in my forties and I’ve been married to my husband for nine years. There was some mild infidelity on his part (exchanging photos and flirting via text with another guy) early in our relationship. I confronted him at the time, and he lied to me. I decided to let it go, as it was early in the relationship. Fast forward a few years and he gets crabs and gives them to me. He told me it was most likely from the volunteer work he does in a homeless shelter. I let it go again. Fast forward another couple years and I’m feeling insecure and look on his iPad, and find confirmation that he was sleeping with the guy he’d exchanged photos and flirty texts with early in our relationship. This sent me into a severe depression. All my concerns over the years were confirmed, and further sleuthing revealed there was another guy he was fucking around with as well. He admitted to all of this only after I showed him the proof.

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New Savage Love: In the Straights

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Joe Newton
My wife got drunk at a vacation house we rented with a bunch of friends and cheated on me with my best friend in the hot tub. They didn't have sex but they did other things. I wasn’t there but there were eight other people in the hot tub and the jets were on so no one else saw what was going on “under the water.” My wife told me about it afterward and I was hurt but also kind of excited. She proposed we “even the score” by asking my friend and his wife to have a foursome. They agreed but the experience was miserable. My wife and my friend were very into each other and my friend’s wife was willing but I was having a hard time enjoying myself with a woman I had no interest in while my wife did things for my best friend that she would never do for me. She let him come in her mouth, which is something she never she lets me do, and she did it right in front of me. Now she says she will do that for me but only if she can keep doing it for him. This seems deeply unfair. We have kids and I don't want to get divorced but I'm concerned that I'm going to keep getting hurt if I stay. What can I do? I need…

Help Overcoming Terrible Worries About This Entire Relationship

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New Savage Love: Emotional Arsonists

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Joe Newton
I'm a 19-year-old girl who was dumped few months ago. My partner found out he didn't like my body when we were having sex for the first time and he told me right after. We were actually still in bed naked when he told me. He kept cuddling me to make me feel a bit better but it still hurt to hear. Other than slight doubts about genitals and my face (I have Asian features and having my face and living in a western country isn't always easy), I didn’t go into that experience expecting to be rejected. We had talked about all the sexual stuff we wanted to do and he had previously told me I was attractive and thicc and paid me other compliments. Undressing for someone and then being rejected was devastating and I don't have other experiences to weigh this one against and take reassurance from. My self-esteem dropped. I know his tastes and preferences shouldn't be a problem for me now, since we are no longer together, but I can't stop thinking about them. I've known him for five years. He means a lot to me and we want to continue to be friends. I wish someone had told me that having sex with someone isn't a guarantee that everything will always work out. (Having sex with them being sexually open and generous and having nice tits too!) I started therapy but I also wanted some advice from you.

Babe Only Desires Intuitive Emotional Support

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Savage Love: Sack Lunch

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On the first Thursday of every month I host "Sack Lunch," an online hangout exclusively for Magnum subscribers to the Savage Lovecast. I take questions, invite listeners to answer them with me, and we have a blast. I'm giving this week's column over to some of the questions we didn't get to during this month's Savage Lovecast Sack Lunch…

My son is straight, cute, accomplished, 25, and has friends. He's never been kissed. I suspect he's terrified. I can't talk to him about it. Should his dad talk to him? Should he go to a sex worker? Would this undermine his confidence?

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New Savage Love: Queer Quickies

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JOE NEWTON

I just attended the nauseating wedding of my 30-year-old niece to her boyfriend of several years. Both of them seem as gay as possible but they are diehard religious fanatics. I can list fifty signs these two are gay and once you point it out to someone who isn’t a bible thumper they go, “Yeah, that makes so much sense.” The bride’s father, who was also the minister, praised them for not moving in together before the wedding—another sign. I personally find hetero abstinence until age 30 to be highly suspicious. In fact, refraining from heterosexual intercourse until that age only seems realistic if someone is gay or asexual. Our extended families are all religious blowhards and we’re the only queer-friendly outlet in the family. I want badly to let the newlyweds know it’s OK to question the complexities of sexuality and that we’re here to support them. I fear they’ll live for decades in awkwardness because my niece’s minister father is beyond judgmental and insists love (and marriage) can only exist between one MAN and one WOMAN. Is there any tactful way to ask someone if they’re gay? Or to at least offer support if they are closeted? How do we let them know our little corner of the family will love and support them? I wish someone had asked me when I was trying to figure it out.

Union Not Concealing LGBTQ Energy

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New Savage Love: Knowing You

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JOE NEWTON

I'm a 40-year-old gay male. I live in a big city, in a dense neighborhood. While I've been working from home during COVID, I've been sitting at my kitchen table facing a big window. Across the alley is an apartment with a deck. At one point, I noticed a cute, young, muscular guy outside. I ran into this guy a few weeks later at a neighborhood liquor store. While I was looking at porn one night I was stunned to find his nudes and a link to his OnlyFans. I instantly subscribed, went through everything, including his gay sex vids, and, yeah, I came. I tipped him and put in a few comments about what kind of content he should put up next. He took my suggestions and I tipped him again. About a week ago he knocked on my door and asked if I had jumper cables. That night, I found a six pack of beer by my door and a note from him thanking me for my help. I got back on his page and came so hard as I drank his beer. I don't want to have sex with this guy—he's not really my type and he's too young. I do get off on knowing that I can pull up his dick pics whenever I want and that he will do anything for a few bucks. But I question if I'm crossing a line. He obviously doesn't know his neighbor is jerking off to him and probably wants to keep his porn life separate from his private life. Should I feel gross about this?

Rear Window

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