by Wednesday at 10:00 am•
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My friend, however, has turned into an absolute whore in recent years. His partner knows nothing about it. I feel so betrayed by them both. I am gutted. I also fear being alone. I am 56 years old. The four of us did a lot together—Thanksgiving, Christmas, dinners, brunch, everything. I don't see how we can continue now. What should I do?
Going Under Thanks To Extreme DeceitContinue reading »
I'm a European heterosexual girl and reading your column from afar has been a good way for me to better know the sex world! I am wondering if you have advice for me about a "faster" way to do blowjobs. Or rather a way to make my boyfriend come faster from them. I like doing them but after some time my mouth begins to hurt and I'd like him to finish. My partner is "slower" to come than other men I've been with. During intercourse sex I don't mind. I usually come first but is not a problem to wait for him to finish. But during oral sex, it is harder to wait. Sometimes I say no to giving him a blowjob because I know the effort it will take. I don't want to talk with him about this because I don't want to make him self-conscious. I know how good it is to receive oral sex without thinking about having to rush my own orgasm and I don't want to make him feel rushed. In the years of our relationship I haven't found a trick that gives me the power of to make it faster. I need some button to push. Maybe you have some tips for me?
Sex Tips Inducing Faster Finish Easing DiscomfortContinue reading »
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Nervously Asking Dan SomethingContinue reading »
1. Will a lot of guys dismiss me for being bi or married? I assume biphobia is more of an issue when looking for a relationship, rather than a hookup, but I dunno.
2. If I meet a guy and we're going to fuck, is it weird to bring up condoms? I know: I shouldn't be afraid to ask to use a condom, and if someone can't respect that, I shouldn't fuck him. I'm not and I won't. But will most guys be a little surprised, especially with PrEP these days?
3. On that note, should I ask my doctor about PrEP when all I want is a very occasional fuck (maybe a few times a year) with someone I've vetted and trust about their HIV-negative or undetectable status? I want to be safe, but I don't want to put superfluous meds in my body.
4. Is the "top shortage" I've read about a few times a real thing? Are a lot of guys strictly tops or bottoms?
5. And is there anything else I should know before hopping on the apps?
Wondering About Navigating New Arenas Before IndulgingContinue reading »
Fast forward to now. I find out he’s been dating a man. I can barely cope with the anger I feel about this. I feel like a casualty of his shame. We have progressive friends! His sister has dated women! His parents are accepting! None of the reasons you list as appropriate ones for staying closeted apply to him, Dan! His inability to accept himself caused me the most severe emotional trauma of my life and I just feel enraged. I logically know this is not about me. It’s about him. So why does this retroactively bother me so much? Part of me wants to say something to him but I’m not sure that would make me feel better. I’d be very appreciative of any guidance you may have. Not sure what to think.
Bitterly Enraged And Really DistressedContinue reading »
There’s also been two recent instances of me breaking her trust. On a particularly stressful day I was caught sneaking a cigarette—the sneaking part is the issue—and on another occasion I did drugs in our communal back garden with a friend after she had gone to bed. I owned up to both straight away. I view both of these as being a symptom of the lockdown/pandemic prompting me to break with my “normal” behavior. But partner is no longer comfortable allowing me to have the freedom to go out with my friends and partake in drugs without her express permission, which she already said she’s unlikely to grant me. The other element to this is, we want kids in three years. We’ve agreed that I will fully abstain from all drugs after we become parents.Continue reading »
Sincerely Nervous Over Online PatternContinue reading »
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Having a mental health condition isn’t proof a person isn’t or can’t be in good working order; likewise, not having a mental health condition isn’t proof a person is in good working order. I mean, we all know people without mental health conditions who are walking disasters. Now someone with a mental health condition who refuses to get help or to stay on their meds might not be in good enough working order to be in or sustain a relationship. But taking care of ourselves is one of the most important ways we demonstrate that we are, in actual fact, in good enough working order to fuck, date, or marry. Or all three. So far from proving you’re not fit to be in a relationship, having a mental health condition that you’re doing something about—having one or more that you’re actively coping with—is evidence you are good working order.
A male friend—not my best friend but a close one—told me his wife was really attracted to me, another male, and asked if I was attracted to her. His wife is an incredibly hot woman and I thought it was a trick question. I read your column and listen to the Savage Lovecast, Dan, so I know there are guys out there who want other men to sleep with their wives, of course, but I didn’t want to risk offending this friend by saying “FUCK YEAH” too quickly. After he convinced me it wasn’t a trick, I told him that of course I wanted to have sex with his wife. She’s incredibly beautiful and a really great person. I told him was that I not at the least bit bisexual and not into MMF threesomes, and he told me he wouldn’t even be there. He just wanted to hear all the details later—and hear them from me, not her.
I’ve slept with his wife four times since, and the sex we’ve been having is phenomenal for both of us. But the talks I have afterwards with my friend make me uncomfortable. We’ve gotten on the phone later in the day or the next day and I give him the details and insult him a little, which he likes, and honestly none of that is the problem. What makes me uncomfortable is that I can hear him beating off during these phone calls, which makes me feel like I’m having phone sex with a guy. I’m not comfortable with this and I feel like our friendship has become sexualized in a way that just feels unnatural for me. The one time we met in person to talk after I fucked his wife he was visibly aroused throughout our entire conversation. I would like to keep fucking my friend’s wife, and she wants to keep fucking me, but I don’t want to talk with my friend about it afterwards. Shouldn’t it be enough for him to just know I’m fucking her?
Distressed Aussie Chafes Under Cringe Kink
P.S. This is his thing, not hers. She loves having sex with me but the calls to her husband don’t do anything for her.Continue reading »
My friends and I have hinted to her about this pattern in the hopes of helping her see what her role might be in these breakups. But she takes extreme offense to any criticism and insists she’s the victim. I’m sympathetic to her plight, but her unwillingness to accept any responsibility makes it difficult to offer her any useful advice. I’ve been there for her, calling her daily, and stopping by when I could in a COVID-safe way. But every conversation turns into a three-hour-long rehashing of these relationships with all blame assigned to her exes. I've let a few weeks go by without reaching out because I don’t want to have another one of these conversations. I'm curious what you would do here. Our entire friend group is now debating whether we should share our actual opinions with her at the risk her being angry with us. The other option is to leave it alone and hope she comes to her own conclusions. I wish her exes had the courage to tell her their true feelings.
No Brainpower For Clever SignoffContinue reading »