Checking in on The Stranger

Savage Love: Cucking Dykes

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JOE NEWTON

I’m a lesbian in a long-term relationship. After much conversation with my partner we’ve decided to explore cuckolding role-play together. I’m not comfortable bringing another person into the relationship—especially right now—but I am willing to explore this as a fantasy. The thing is, I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do it. There’s not a lot of info out there on how to engage in cuck role-play, especially between two women. Could you point me in the right direction here so we can have some fun while remaining monogamous?

Couldn’t Undergo Cuckolding Kink’s Glories In Real Life

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Savage Love: Kinked Gays

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JOE NEWTON

I have a question. I’m a gay man in a relationship and we’re both really happy since we met a year ago. We’re “open” in the sense that he wants the option to be intimate with someone else if a connection happens and in turn he said he would be supportive of me being involved in my kinks. But I haven’t done anything yet out of fear. I’m not afraid of my kinks. I’m worried that if I ask to go do something kinky it will ruin our relationship. I don’t think he was bluffing when he said it was okay for me to explore my kinks with other guys but it worries me. I tend to repress the kink part of my sexuality and I’m worried that him knowing I want to act on it will cause issues. My boyfriend and I are so balanced but in the kink aspects of my life I’m a submissive and need to engage in power exchange with someone. I miss being able to express these things and it feels like there’s a void in my life. That might sound silly, but it’s true. I think repressing them is actually taking a toll on my mental health. Any advice?

Guy’s Abandoned Yearnings Subtly Undermining Bond

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Savage Love: Blowing Up

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JOE NEWTON

I’m committed to my male partner and he’s committed to me. (I’m a woman.) But we both understand we need to flirt and that we will both want to sleep with someone else at some point. We live together, we have a dog, and neither of us believes in marriage. We plan to purchase a house in the coming months. Here’s the issue: he met a woman at work. He’s not sexually attracted to her at all. She, however, would love to blow him. She’s in an unhappy marriage and has no friends. They exchanged numbers when my partner was transferred and now she texts him constantly. It doesn’t totally bother me. But not only does she text him at all hours of the day and night, but she continuously tells him he’s the hottest man she’s ever met. She sends him nudes, which I’ve seen, and wants to suck his “huge dick.” (It is huge.) But even though I know he’s not sexually attracted to her, I still feeling threatened. I have extremely low self-esteem right now and I’m struggling with depression. I’m speaking with a therapist and I’m on meds. But the meds have made me gain about fifty pounds, which doesn’t help with the depression. I get the need and desire to flirt. But right now I’m not confident enough to be okay with him being sexual with another person even if it’s just texts. And I feel this way knowing he has no plans to be with her! He continues to tell me he has no desire to spend his life with anyone else but me. Yet he’s suddenly hesitant to buy a house. I guess I’m asking WTF should I do?

Dinging Phone Really Exacerbating Semi-Serious Depression

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Savage Love: Oral Reports

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JOE NEWTON

I’m a 32-year-old straight guy. My wife and I have been married for four years and together for nine. We have a great marriage and all is well. We have been quarantining at home since March. During this time, we have been exploring things sexually, which has been really fun. We have also been talking more about our kinks and fantasies. One thing my wife really wants to try is an MMF threesome. I’ve agreed and she’s been talking about how hot it will be to make this happen once quarantine is over. She is particularly turned on by the fact that this would be my first sexual experience with another guy. The only issue is, in reality, it won't be. The truth is that when I was in high school, a guy friend and I fooled around a few times. I have no regrets but those experiences only served to reaffirm that I preferred women. I never did anything with another guy and I never felt the need to mention these early experiences to my wife. She just assumed I had never had a same-sex encounter. Now I feel like I’ve misled her or lied to her somehow. Should I tell her the truth or just let her believe our MMF threesome would be my first time with a guy?

Nervously Omitted Homosexual Occurrences, Mostly Oral

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Savage Love: Streamers

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JOE NEWTON

Hey, Everybody: We had our first Savage Love Livestream event last Thursday night and I ha such a blast! A huge crowd of Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners got together on Zoom for a live online Q&A that raised more than $14,000 for Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports food banks in my home state. I got more questions than I could answer in our allotted time and so I’m going to answer as many as I can squeeze into this week’s column. Here we go…

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Savage Love: Blinders

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JOE NEWTON
Here goes: I’m a 32-year-old gay male and I have trouble staying out of my head during sex. I feel like there may be many issues. The one non-issue is everything works fine on my own. When I’m single or “available,” I am OK. Let’s be honest: I'm a slut and I enjoy it. But when I invest in someone, when I’m trying to have an actual relationship, the sex suffers. With a partner I care about I feel nervous. I feel small both mentally and physically. And I worry my dick is small. I’ve measured and photographed it, so I know better, but something in me is always asking... are you really enough?

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Spanking Spouses, Creepy Creepers, Lousy Lovers — Reader Advice Roundup!

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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: what to expect when you're expecting to run into a coworker who accidentally flashed her boobs in a Zoom meeting; at what temperature should one keep one's tits when one is crushing on someone during a pandemic; how guilty should a guy feel about getting spanked behind his husband's back; and just how annoyed is a wife allowed to feel about the "maintenance spankings" her husband needs. And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

First up, regarding SPANK...

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Maintenance Spankings: What's in Them for Her?

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I could really use your insight on the concept of maintenance spanking. In the last week or so, my husband has wanted to explore having a female-led relationship. So while he has always done the cooking, and is a great co-parent two our two children, he's now taking on the majority of the rest of the housework. I'm all in favor of this, as he hasn't always done half of the housework, and our new arrangement has allowed me to be a more present parent and pursue more creative pursuits. In addition to parenting, I am now managing our finances, which I don't mind doing. He has recently wanted to try "maintenance spanking" as a way to reinforce his submission. We've done spanking as a part of sex for awhile, both with my hand and with a flogger, and we enjoy other Dom/sub activities like pegging. But I honestly don't "get" the spanking thing apart from sex. When should it happen? When is it supposed to end? Why are we doing this? We tried last night and decided on a certain number of lashes. He asked afterward if I felt powerful and the answer was NO. I didn't get anything from this and I don't understand it. The whole thing felt very ceremonial and I am not sure what to do with that level of formality. Anything I can do to get in this headspace? Am I thinking about this wrong?

Thanks For Your Help

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Savage Love Livestream June 4!

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I love traveling around the country and bringing Savage Love Live to theaters near you—it's always a blast—but we're obviously not able do that right now. So we're doing the next best thing: our first-ever livestream show! The Savage Love Livestream goes down—goes up? goes live?—on June 4th at 7 PM PST. You can send me questions beforehand at livestream@savagelovecast.com, or you can ask questions live during the show. I’ll do my best to answer as many as I can only this time I’ll be answering them on Zoom in your living room. Or your bedroom. Or your bathroom. Or your dungeon. It's up to you! And proceeds from this show are being donated to Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports a network of food banks here in Washington state. Nancy and I are hoping to raise a bunch of money to help hungry people in Seattle and across the state. We had a practice session today and I think going to be fun! So join me, Nancy, the tech-savvy/at-risk youth and the Infant of Prague for our first livestream show! Get your tickets here! Again, all proceeds go to Northwest Harvest and I'm going to match the first $2K we raise and double your donation to this great organization!

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From the Archives: Frustrated Man Gets Backside Spanked Behind Husband's Back

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I'm a gay man married to a wonderful man. For most of our 12-year relationship, we've had a boring sexual script that is all about him getting blown. He just doesn't seem interested in much else, and although we've talked about it over the years, nothing has really changed. He is selfish in bed. He's a wonderful husband otherwise, and I love him deeply. Recently, he was out of town, and in a weak moment, I ended up meeting an experienced spanking Dom. We've met several times, and I'm counting the days until he whales on my butt again. Not in my wildest imagination could or would my husband EVER do something like this with me. He just doesn't have it in him. I am more sexually fulfilled than I have been in a decade. I'm also lying and cheating. I'm deeply torn. If I tell my husband, my guess is that he won't take it well. It could cause our marriage to unravel. If I keep lying, I bear the moral burden of the lie, and he could find out anyway.

Still Professing A Normal Kink

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New Savage Love: Quickies

JOE NEWTON
JOE NEWTON

I don't want to become one of those people who write to you complaining about how I married someone I wasn't sexually compatible with ten year ago and now my sex life still sucks. I already know I need to break up with my boyfriend and I was about to do it when he got sick with the flu. This was at the beginning of March. I assumed he'd be sick for a week and then we would have an unpleasant conversation. But then the entire country shut down and my boyfriend was officially diagnosed with COVID-19. So I haven't seen him since the last weekend in February—Monday is Memorial Day, Dan, in case you've lost all concept of time—and I've been playing the role the supportive and worried girlfriend from afar. But it's been hard. Both my parents are in high-risk groups and my mental health has been battered. My boyfriend is finally getting better and I don't know what to do when I finally have to see him again. I'm not breaking up with him because he's a bad person and I don't want to hurt him but that's exactly what's going to happen. I feel guilty because I'm choosing my happiness over his. I know I shouldn't, Dan, but I do.

Feeling Resentful About Uncoupling Dilemma

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She's Crushing Hard on Someone She's Never Met and Wants a Temp Check on Her Tits

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Due to sheltering at home for over two months I am isolated and sad. Shocking, I know. I live alone and was laid off in March so I've had nothing but time as of late. Enter Online Crush Dude, a friend I recently met online who lives far away and with whom I've been chatting quite a bit in a very intimate way. We have a great connection, vibe perfectly, and trade banter on every subject from preferred porn genres to movies.

I enjoy his company a lot and after finding out that our sexual preferences sync up perfectly it's been difficult to fantasize about anything other than him. That combined with my isolation has developed this into a major crush and I'm honestly wondering if I should pursue it or ride it out till I have some semblance of a life again and judge this/him based on the merits then. Do I mention this to him, ask him if he's feeling the same, and pursue this sexy bastard? Or do I chill my fucking tits and see if it's just quarantine cabin fever talking? Thanks so much for your work, this bi bitch appreciates it deeply.

Breaking Into Totally Complete Heat

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Coworker's Boobs Zoom Into View

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Here's a question for our coronavirus times that isn't, "Can we hook up yet?" With my whole company working from home, I was recently in a small group Zoom meeting when one coworker, unaware that her camera was on, moved her phone/tablet/laptop and in the process panned across her bare chest. One of the other participants told her that her camera was on, and she immediately switched it off, with a lot of flustered apologies and oh-my-Gods. After a minute or two, the meeting went on as if nothing had happened.

The coworker in question is someone I respect and like as both a colleague and a person. I'm a gay guy and fairly worldly, so seeing bare breasts doesn't give me an adolescent thrill or the pearl-clutching wobblies. But because this is someone I work with, I feel like this may be an elephant in the room as we go forward. I'd hate for her to be thinking that I'm snickering behind her back or thinking badly of her when really my heart goes out to her. Is there a way to address this and let my colleague know that I'm supportive and sympathetic without bringing what has to be a horribly embarrassing experience back to the forefront? Or should this just remain a "let us never speak of this again" situation?

This Is Terribly Squicky

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Jackbooted Tugs, Nonverbal Cues, Dangerous Fans — Reader Advice Roundup!

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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: A reader was distressed by the condition her sheets were left in by houseguests; another reader was distressed by just how badly she wants to fuck a guy she gets to fuck; a polyamorous demisexual with a new baby wanted some tips on talking his wife into opening up their marriage; and she didn't want to have sex and her body language was clear but somehow he didn't get it. And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

First up, my response to FASH...

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She Tried to Tell Him She Didn't Want to Have Sex and He Somehow Didn't Get It

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I'm a late 30s cis female and I've been dating a man in his early 50s for about nine months. Last December, about four months into our relationship, something happened and I can't figure out if I am blowing it out of proportion. Basically, he got wasted and I made the poor decision to spend the night with him instead of politely excusing myself and going home. When we got in bed he started initiating sexual contact, something I would normally invite. I didn't want to have sex with him that night though because he was drunk and he had been rude and pushy earlier in the evening. Anyway, he started kissing me and touching me and instead of just saying "no" I tried to show my lack of enthusiasm through body language. Basically, I just didn't reciprocate. It got to a point that he was kind of laying partly on me and kissing me in this way that really kind of grossed me out. I had an urge to tell him to leave me alone. I kind of wanted to scream because he was grossing me out. I wanted to get up and leave but it was late and I didn't have my car with me. Eventually he stopped trying, rolled over, and fell asleep. The next morning when we got up he was upset that I "rejected" him. To smooth things over I basically lied and told him I didn't mean to reject him and I was just tired and wanted to sleep. I even apologized that I made him feel bad.

Ever since then things have gone downhill. I never directly addressed my feelings about that night and he didn't bring it up until today, actually, when I wrote him about it. I don't think he remembers it very clearly because he was drunk. I haven't seen him since the virus struck, but we are not officially broken up yet. I started treating him worse after the thing happened in December and I think I maybe should have left him after that night. I guess my ultimate question for you is whether or not what happened is "a big deal." I need to know if I am making a big deal out of something insignificant. Was it just miscommunication? We normally had sex when we slept in the same bed and perhaps he was just acting as he normally would? Can you please tell me if this behavior was not a big deal and perhaps forgivable?

Heavy And Rude Sex Happenings

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