IT’S ALMOST OVER!
We mean the election. We mean Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton vs. Your Sanity. That’s almost over. But in the final weeks of this fucked-up, race-baiting, Muslim-smearing, face-punching, pussy-grabbing presidential election season, it feels like our democracy could be coming to an end, too. Donald Trump is ramping up the apocalyptic rhetoric, promising to jail his opponent (if he wins) and calling the election rigged (if he loses), and encouraging his deranged supporters to show up at polling places “you know where” and to hunt down, as one of his supporters put it, “anyone who doesn’t speak American.” (Dear Deplorables: American is not a language. It’s not a traumatic brain injury, either, but anyone who’s seen video of a Trump rally would be forgiven for thinking otherwise.)
We’re only going to say this once: You gotta vote. Because the rest of the country is relying on solid blue states like Washington, Oregon, and California, and because if Donald Trump somehow does manage to win—God fucking forbid—this could be your last chance to vote. So treat yourself to an alcohol-and-THC-based tincture flavored with Trump-disavowing Tic Tacs and Trump-trashing Skittles and then go find a black pen. Because you gotta vote. (We lied about only saying that once. We’re going to say it over and over and over. So sue us.) And here’s something you can discuss with your friends after your post-voting high kicks into gear: How did our political dialogue go from “We hold these truths to be self-evident” to a GOP nominee bragging about the size of his cock, a Democratic nominee being physically menaced during a presidential debate, and two candy companies being forced to make their positions on racism and sexual assault clear? (You didn’t imagine any of that, stoner, all of that actually happened.)
Your ballot is in your mailbox. Open it now, fill it out, mail it in. People died to win the right to vote, so don’t fucking whine at us about having to buy a stamp…
