The Brown Derby series—which has been brutally butchering movie scripts for years—may have found its perfect foil in E.T. Terror-drag superstar Jackie Hell plays the alien, Emmy-winning Kim Nyhous plays a dykey Drew Barrymore (with a fanny pack!), Elliott and his brother sniff their dad's jockstrap, and the scary forest scenes (which traumatized many a childhood) are set in Volunteer Park. Brown Derby founder Ian Bell has issued a public warning/challenge: "Gays who can laugh at the frequent (or maybe constant) ridiculousness of being gay should come. Those who can't should save their money for the beer garden this coming weekend." (Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 233-9873. 8 pm, $14, 21+.)