At tonight’s Queen Sweet 16 dance battle, ass-kicking b-girls from all over the world will compete for cash, prizes, and the right to be called queen of the b-girls. Just reading the dance-off pairings—Seattle’s Jess2sick vs. Bonita of LA’s Rock Steady Crew, Momo from Japan’s Qween of Qweenz vs. Jade of the Milwaukee Gooddistas—will have you ready to scream. Bonus: Outside the main event, audiences will witness the best dancers from the Pacific Northwest face off in an open-bracket competition. (Seattle Vineyard, 4142 Brooklyn Ave NE, www.outshineproductions.com, 7 pm, $10 adv/$12 DOS)

David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...