"Wish me Happy Birthday or I'm releasing the kompromat, motherfucker." Credit: KARNEG/GETTY IMAGES
Wish me Happy Birthday or Im releasing the kompromat, daddy.
“Wish me Happy Birthday or I’m releasing the kompromat, daddy.” KARNEG/GETTY IMAGES

Today is Alexa’s birthday: She’s five. But everyone only wants to talk about how much money her dad spent in Seattle’s election. Rude.

Tim Eyman is a sub for lawsuits: And lucky him, more are coming.

Bill Taylor, the top U.S. diplomat in Ukraine, told impeachment investigators there was direct quid pro quo: He made the statement during private testimony last month, but his words became public today. Taylor said Rudy Giuliani was the “originator” of the quid pro quo plan. Giuliani tweeted that this new testimony was “a frame-up and hoax.” Read the full transcript here.

After the first round of ballot drops, infamous KIRO Radio host Dori Monson had “mixed feelings” about Sawant seemingly losing: “As you know, very few people have generated the kinds of soundbites that fuel a talk show host like Kshama Sawant. It was fun listening to her screeching for the past six years. And now her reign could be coming to an end in Seattle,” he joked. Reminds me of something Rich Smith wrote:

If these Republicans were good at politics, they would be pumping as much money as possible into Sawant’s campaign. Republicans have been blaming Sawant for problems in Spokane since she first took office, and now they’re just going to let her go? Who will they use to scare away centrists in Kirkland if she loses? Who are they going to use as an excuse not to catch up to California and Oregon on statewide rent control legislation? Oh wait, that’s not the Republicans. That’s Sen. Jamie Pedersen, D-Seattle.

Speaking of ballot drops: Here are today’s returns. Many races won’t be settled until at least Friday. Counting votes takes time, people!

A good amount of Seattle votes have yet to be counted: So hold onto your butts.

Bill Gates suggests Warren isn’t “open-minded”: because she probably wouldn’t “be willing to sit down with somebody who has large amounts of money.” He made the comments today at the New York Times DealBook conference. He also said he made a “mistake in judgement” by meeting Jeffrey Epstein and disagrees “with people who think a corporation should sit there and do fact-checking against that thing,” in reference to political advertising on Facebook. He also said “Jeff [Bezos] likes artificial planets.” LOL.

Op! A clapback:

Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper never dated: They’re actors. Breaking news.

Trouble in the Twitter kingdom: Two former Twitter employees have been charged by the Justice Department for “exploiting their access to the companyโ€™s internal systems to help Saudi Arabia,” writes the New York Times. This is the “first time federal prosecutors have publicly accused the kingdom of running agents in the United States,” writes the Washington Post.

Jeff Sessions is expected to run for the Alabama Senate: I’m sure the KKK is thrilled.

Rep. Ayanna Pressley endorses Elizabeth Warren: which is expected, because they’re both from the same state, Massachusetts. Other members of “the Squad,” AOC and Ilhan Omar, have backed Bernie.

T.I., the rapper of “Whatever You Like” and actor best known for starring in ATL, checks his daughter’s hymen on the reg: Well, a gynecologist does, but that gynecologist reports back to T.I., which is… something else. He said in a podcast interview that aired yesterday that he makes sure his daughter’s hymen is in tact… yikes. What about butt stuff? The passage:

“Not only have we had the conversation โ€” we have yearly trips to the gynecologist to check her hymen,” T.I. said. “Yes, I go with her.”

He then mentioned that after her 16th birthday party, he “put a sticky note on the door: ‘Gyno. Tomorrow. 9:30.'”

Chase Burns is The Stranger's former editor. He's covered everything from gay luchadores to chemical weapons to Isabella Rossellini's favorite pets.