Number of acts at the second annual Stranger Gong Show:
21.
Number of audience members: 500.
Indoor weather: As muggy as you’d expect from 500 bodies
jammed into Chop Suey, drinking cheap beer, and heckling.
Most heckled act: A shambling dance by Tap Explosion. One of
its members, fed up with the booing, bent over, yanked her leotard to
one side, and stretched her buttocks beyond the bounds of decency.
Best in show: Comic Solomon Georgio, who secured his victory
with a relaxed stage manner and a joke that went more or less like
this: “It may surprise you to know that, as a gay man, I’m a big
supporter of homophobia—because homophobes are the number one
source of gay people. And I’m not about to bite the hand that’s about
to make the hand that’s going to touch my penis.”
Cruelest in show: Judge Kerri Harrop, who rewarded a nervous
singer’s bravery in finishing “Let’s Get It On” (despite extreme crowd
hostility) by saying: “I now understand why Marvin Gaye’s father shot
him.”
Most absorbent in show: A white barrister’s wig, made of
tampons, worn by Judge Barry. It sopped up an entire glass of red wine,
poured by host David Schmader, and barely changed color.
The only person who seemed weirder offstage than onstage: Neurocyb’x, a white man in a black mask and shiny black shirt, who
danced earnestly with flashing light-sticks to the kind of industrial
music you’d expect to hear in the world’s saddest sex club. Backstage,
he described himself as a “neurocibe,” and a “pan-galactic warrior.” He
said he first discovered his “powers” when he was 18: “I was at Wazzu,
tripping on LSD and controlling people’s minds. They kicked me out of
school for that. Nowadays I only use my powers in self-defense.” He
lives on Queen Anne, but declined to disclose his profession, saying it
was “against the neurocibe code.” He appeared to be in earnest.
The comeback story that wasn’t: Last year, performance artist
Queen Schmooquan was gonged offstage (prematurely, many argued) after
masticating a Twinkie and disgorging it into the mouth of a rubber
chicken. This year, judges allowed her to finish. The Queen rewarded
their forbearance with a W. mask, an enormous prosthetic cock and
balls, and a faux-turd-and-Twinkie sandwich, which she masticated and
disgorged onto a few audience members. Last year’s judges were
right.
Bravest attempt to find the silver lining in a humiliating
performance: A fidgety young man in glasses, after suffering a
barrage of booing for singing out the names of countries to what
sounded like the Mexican hat dance, said: “Well, at least I’m not
nervous anymore.”
Congratulations to: All the contestants, especially
Nervous Marvin Gaye Guy. You’d have a nice voice if it weren’t warbling
with fear. Take some beta blockers and come back next year. 
