What is the opposite of funny? Dane Cook, the peerlessly unfunny
and monolithically successful “comedian” who performs tonight at
KeyArena. Cook’s awesome ability to steal material from other, better
comedians (Louis C.K., Emo Philips, and others) is matched only by his
ability to de-funny even these pinched bits. What Applebee’s is to
food, Dane Cook is to comedy: adamantly unimaginative, thoroughly
second-rate, and mysteriously popular. Justice buffs should pillage
their rotten-vegetable arsenals and prepare for battle.
(KeyArena, 305 Harrison St, www.ticketmaster.com. 7 pm,
$30–$100.)

David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...