Okay, it’s time to air some grievances. We had our chance. This week’s episode, X Marks The Spot, was the night when cycle 23, the mildly anticipated remake of America’s Next Top Model, could’ve had its very own WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU meltdown. Ashley Graham stared down Marissa—our tough, sexually-fluid, ultimately disappointing ingenue—and, with matronly anger in her eyes, Graham said…
I’m lying. She didn’t say that.
Instead, the producers pitched the judges a meatball this week (that’s a baseball reference for my father), and they missed. (Drama Recap: Marissa was a real cranky meanie this episode. Guest judge Stacey McKenzie was basically like, “Girl, what’s going on, do you need help?” But Marissa was sorta like, “Girl, shut up, I told you I was trouble in episode one. I’m not here to be critiqued.”) On panel, the editors made it seem like Ashley Graham hit young Marissa with some Tyra Banks-level tough love, but all Graham said was:
You’re as good as your last job. Do not forget that.
True, but not exactly a truth bomb. Graham could’ve served a GIF to feed the children. She could’ve given us 2017’s WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. Instead, Graham dished out some reasonable advice. It was a mediocre moment. I say, no ma’am miss Graham! Y’all need to give this show some Go-Go Juice!
But let me shelf this chat about dusty line deliveries so I can present some other opinions. Except opinions are facts in today’s America, so here are some facts:
1. Rita Ora’s Got a Day Job & It Isn’t ANTM. She Delivers Every Line Like She’s Sleepy Because She’s Overworked. Mama Needs a Break & She Takes One During Her RitAlert.
RitAlerts are some lazy piles of garbage. And why do they usually look like they’re filmed in her bathroom? Do the producers run out of time? I’ve given Rita plenty of time and she hasn’t won me over. She has, however, made me want to smoke pot so I can vibe with her level of chillness.
2. The Girls Have Always Been Right About Courtney. She’s Got Tricks. She’s Either Got Tricks or She Genuinely Thinks Everything Has Almond Oil In It. Like, This Isn’t LUSH Cosmetics. Not Everything’s Made at a Co-Op.
The judges are wrong about Courtney. She isn’t only serving a gorgeous face. She’s also giving us a graduate-level course on how complaining can distract from a sub-par performance. This week’s best whine-fest was Courtney’s freakout when she thought her makeup artist used almond oil on her lips. (In case you forgot, Courtney’s allergic to almonds.) Marissa grabs the chapstick in question, which happens to be basic AF Burt’s Bees. It’s, like, the main chapstick people use. How does she not know the ingredients if she’s super allergic to almonds?
“Usually products do have almond oil. It’s, like, a known fact.”—Courtney
The thing is, this wouldn’t be so irritating if Courtney didn’t complain 9-out-of-10 lines. Maybe it’s the editing, but… Nah.
For clarification (because I know you wanted it), here are the ingredients in Burt’s Bees chapstick:
Ingredients: cera alba (beeswax, cire d’abeille), cocos nucifera (coconut) oil, helianthus annuus (sunflower) seed oil, mentha piperita (peppermint) oil, lanolin, tocopherolrosmarinus officinalis (rosemary) leaf extract, glycine soja (soybean) oil, canola oil (huile de colza), limonene.
No almonds. Also, Courtney retweeted this defense from a fan last night:
@courtneynelso11 if I were deathly allergic to something I would be cautious 24/7 too
— Heav (@vohguebabe) January 24, 2017
Wait, she’s deathly allergic to almonds now? It’s getting worse!
Beyond all the shenanigans, the episode is about Director X filming a music video of the girls wearing Gypsy Sport, a colorful brand that looks like it’s tailor-made for barely-Millennial cutie Jaden Smith. Tatiana wins the dance challenge (of course) and reminds us that she’ll never be in the bottom. Paige, who gives an authentically lovely performance this week (even though her iconic slackjaw is called out by McKenzie), calls Kyle “the comeback kid” at the start of this episode, which is false because Kyle goes home. I predicted Kyle’s exit last week, but it’s nothing to brag about because she’s a goober. R.I.P. Kyle and her overproduced romances.
WINNER WINNER: India! (Who doesn’t like India? She’s endearing! She’s a lavender-haired Gigi Hadid from Seattle.)
BYE BYE: Kyle.
More napping from Rita.
Next Week: Luxury! Gold! Money! That belligerent German photographer from the first episode!
