On the season premiere of America’s Next Top Model, Tyra Banks said the winner of ANTM will embody the three B’s (Business, Brand, and Boss), so it’s only fitting there are three queen bees on the season finale, not four. This week, on Episode 13, Brand Like A Boss, we cut out our fourth B to reveal who makes it to the end. TL;DR: Makeup is hard, mothers return, and I hardcore investigate what it means to have resting bitch face.
For the semi-final challenge this week, the girls are asked to essentially interview for a position as a sales associate at LUSH Cosmetics, but for Rimmel London. You know those annoying girls in black smocks at the mall who throw bath bombs at you while listing 1,000 ingredients you DGAF about? Yeah, that’s this challenge. But way, way easier. And the girls suck at it. Makeup artist Kathy Jeung and Rita Ora assign the girls a look they have to paint onto another girl’s face. And by “look,” I mean they have to apply basic eyeliner while remembering 1-3 facts about the product. It’s childishly easy and (for the most part) they all flounder. I have to keep reminding myself that these are the challenges that lead to $100,000, a Rimmel London commercial, a fashion spread in PAPER, and a year-long talent deal with VH1 (emphasis on the “h” if you’re Rita Ora). Like, get it together, Heathers.
CoryAnne wins the challenge because she’s the one girl who manages to have charisma while also remembering an ingredient in a product. (Ladies, I know you know what argan oil is.) Her reward is that she (and India) get to SEE THEIR MOTHERS. In case you forget, CoryAnne’s mother, Stephanie Roberts, is a ’90s-era supermodel. The judges mention this at least once an episode, although Stephanie Roberts’ work predates the internet and she doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. (Although someone on Reddit detailed her work.) CoryAnne and her mother’s meeting is fraught because in the previous episode CoryAnne used her vague childhood trauma as inspiration in a Method Acting class. But no worries, Stephanie Roberts appears and everyone gets along and (even though CoryAnne says she’s “like, extremely alarmed”), mama Roberts is chill and divine.
The episode’s earlier lackluster challenge is tolerable because the girls end up filming their Rimmel London commercials. CoryAnne gives her tag line in a British accent. Tatiana’s fine. India’s a pastel goth Gigi Hadid, nails ANOTHER challenge, and yet is still humble AF. Courtney has a self-described case of resting bitch face. All in all, it’s wet, it’s sassy, and it’s lit like a music video from Justin Bieber’s tropical house phase.
Now, Courtney’s resting bitch face is a thing we’ve heard before. Maybe it’s her eyebrows? Maybe it’s her glottal fry? IDK what it is exactly, but Courtney’s RBF is both her calling card and Achilles’ heel. Whatever it is, we do know that RBF is a real fuckin’ thing. I did some research and found this probably problematic article that gets too scientific on RBF. In the article, two doctors create a busted program that analyzes a person’s facial structure and determines if the person has RBF. So, to really test out Courtney’s self-described RBF, I put the final four girls through the RBF FaceReader software:
As you can see above, Courtney does not, in fact, have RBF. If she did, the disgusted, angry, and contempt meters would be high. Rather, she’s serving us the neutral face of a 25 to 35-year-old man who’s a little surprised.
India, on the other hand, has major RBF. The FaceReader software, however, thinks her neck is her mouth. So IDK what that means, but it also thinks she’s wearing glasses and is maybe 40.
CoryAnne’s complex. Is she angry? Disgusted? Happy? Neutral? Apparently she’s a little bit of everything, which sounds about right.
No RBF for Tatiana! (But my bet’s still on Tatiana to win a fist fight.)
WINNER WINNER(s): India (as Law Roach says: “That face, mother! That face!”), Tatiana, and CoryAnne.
BYE BYE: Her RBF does her in. Chia pet brows goes home.
(Now, while I still have time to say this: I love Courtney. She’s been the most memorable part of this season for me. Has she always been perfect? No. Was she right when she said she was held up to a higher standard than the other girls? Yes. And that’s because she’s killer. Thankz 4 the memz, you lil Hogwarts stan.)
Other Rando Hot Gossip:
—A thot on Instagram (who’s friends with Drew Elliot) told me Drew was once pushed across a parking garage in a Target cart by Beyoncé. There’s photographic evidence of this but it’s not on Google.
—Courtney’s mom called The Stranger this week because she wanted to deny all the things Courtney says about her on the show. She said she’d tried to get TMZ on the phone but all she could get was me. I called her back but her voicemail was full. Maybe from TMZ?
Next Week: WE FIND OUT INDIA WINS WHO’S ON TOP
