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“I want a pretty pony!” —Rebecca Jenson, age 8
Merry Christmas, Rebecca! Allow me to give you your present early: The news that you’ll NEVER get a goddamn pony! You live in a fucking city, bed-pisser! Where do you plan on keeping a fucking HORSE? Inside your mother’s studio apartment? Next to your deadbeat dad’s abandoned camper? Besides, Santa only gives ponies to good little girls—not thoughtless little murderers who can’t even keep a hamster alive. (RIP, Cuddles!)