Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Tale of Two Colleagues (She’s Humping)

I’m a bisexual female in need of your advice. A while ago I hooked up with Colleague A: it was a casual thing, and we both agreed we would never tell anyone about it, and we both stuck to that. We hooked up a few times but went back to being just friends. Not long after that, I hooked up with Colleague B. We dated for about a year and ended up falling in love. Colleague A was supportive and probably relieved because he’s not into commitment.

I ended things with Colleague B about a year ago and she took it really badly. We all still worked together but she avoided me a lot and I barely saw her. At some point after our breakup I ended up hooking up with Colleague A again—same rules, casual, tell no-one, except at one point it looked like we might be headed towards something more real, but then we both backed away from it, partly because of guilt over how much it would hurt Colleague B, partly for fear of what others would think, and partly because of Colleague A’s fear of commitment in general.

Now I am having feelings for Colleague B again. I really want to give it another try and I think I’m in love with her. But I feel stuck because I think if I try to get back together with her, I’ll have to tell her about Colleague A, and she will be SO devastated. Not only will it ruin my chances of rebuilding the relationship, it will really damage her as a person.

So my question is, do I tell her anyway and still try to reconcile? Do I tell her enough so she knows there are feelings there but not tell her we hooked up? Do I go for it and keep this to myself or do I just forget the whole thing?

Hazardously Romantic

For those having trouble keeping track:

Colleague A: Hooking up. Agreed to never tell anyone. Male. Friends. Almost went “towards something more real,” but didn’t (maybe because of Colleague B).

Colleague B: Dated for a year. Fell in love. Broke up a year ago. Female. Might be in love with her again.

And for you, HR…

The as-of-this-writing population of Planet Earth: 7,492,344,008. The as-of-this-writing population of the United States: 325,818,391. The point being… you have casual sex and/or committed romantic relationship options other than colleagues A & B. There are billions of other people on the planet—and unless you’re working at a research station in Antarctica, those billions of people are easily accessed. Go places, do things, swipe left, swipe right, make afterwork plans with people who aren’t coworkers, etc.

But if you wanna rekindle something with B, HR, you should definitely tell her about A. You all work together, and better B hears it from you than from a nosy coworker or an hurt or vindictive A. (If you think others at your place of employment don’t already know about your complicated relationships with A and B, I’d bet you’re wrong. People talk. They notice the way people look at each other. They get drunk and tell secrets they don’t remember telling. And A may not be angry or hurt right now, HR, but you could have a falling out later.) And while you don’t have to tell B everything—you don’t have to share every detail about A with B—you’ll wanna give B an accurate outline. Because in addition to not wanting B to hear about A from someone else, misleading B about A and/or lying by omission could come back to haunt you. If B finds out there was a lot more to A than you let on, HR, B may wind up feeling like she got (back) into a relationship with you under false pretenses. And if B would truly be devastated to learn about A, HR, you don’t want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life. Because what if B finds out about A ten minutes before your wedding?

And in case things don’t work out with B or A…

Wherever you work, HR, it’s usually not the best idea to date colleagues. Maybe you know that already; maybe that’s part of the reason why you and Colleague A kept your thing a secret. The heart wants what it wants, of course, and lust trumps hard-and-fast rules against workplace romances (personal or corporate). But even if your workplace is cool with intraoffice romance, you’re regularly creating potentially messy situations for yourself and your colleagues. So if it doesn’t work out with B, HR, don’t get back together with A. Try fucking someone else’s colleague from someone else’s office, i.e. one or more of the other 7.5 billion people on the planet.