I have an amazing sister in her mid-30s who has been with her husband for nearly half her life. He’s a great guy that is a few years older than her, who also has an adult daughter from a previous relationship. They talked about having kids for years: he always said it was up to her if they had any, and she always said it would happen when she was ready. Recently he seems to have become more aware of his age (he feels too old to have kids) and his income (no longer having to pay child support has given him a lot of freedom), and he has decided he doesn’t want any more children. My sister still isn’t quite ready for children, but she always planned for when they had children, not if.

I have tried to convince them to speak to a therapist together but while they have agreed they’ve never followed through. My sister now talks about how she won’t be having children, though I feel mostly she is trying to convince herself that she is okay with it more than her believing it (she doesn’t want to divorce him and thinks she’s too old to find another partner with whom to have kids anyway). It breaks my heart because while I love them both she is my sister first and foremost and I want her to be happy. I’m also angry that he has changed the rules so late in the game.

Maybe it’s none of my business, but we’re all close and they both confide in me. It’s heavy and upsetting and I don’t know what to do.

Sister, Husband In Trouble

I could respond to your question—like the others in this week’s column—in just four words: mind your own business.

But I’ll expound for a moment.

Your say your sister is in her mid-30s and “still isn’t quite ready for children.” That’s a thing that makes me go hmmm. Something else has me hmmm’ing: You seem to be in a bigger panic about your sister’s impending non-motherhood than your sister is. Which has me wondering if your sister still wants kids or really wanted kids in the first place. Maybe she’s been telling you (and other members of her immediate family) that she wants kids because she’s supposed to want kids (all good and decent women want kids, right?) or maybe she’s been saying she wants kids because some members of her immediate family seem really invested in her having kids someday and she didn’t want to deal with/disappoint them. But instead of telling you to mind your own business, SHIT, or instead of telling you she doesn’t want kids now/didn’t want them ever and risk being judged or lectured or shamed, running out her biological clock and pinning the blame on her husband was the plan all along.

Or, hey, maybe she always wanted kids and still wants kids—but she’s reassessing what she wants or is willing to settle for now, in light of her husband’s decision not to have anymore kids of his own. If your sister decides she’d rather be childless and married to the man she’s with now than a single woman in a hurry to find some man who wants kids (or a single parent), SHIT, you’ll just have to respect your sister’s decision.

“Respect your sister’s decision” is just another way of saying “mind your own business.”