The Good D Cheated—Should She Offer Him An Open Relationship? Again?

I’m a 28-year-old bisexual women. I just found out that my boyfriend of a year and a half cheated on me. I suspected for a couple days after finding a strand of hair that was neither his or mine in his bed. I asked him about it and he confessed to inviting a girl over and watching TV in his bed even though he has a perfectly comfortable couch downstairs. He claimed that they did not have sex even though she wanted to. I don’t really believe him and either way he crossed a line.

He has a history of cheating, but for some reason I believed him when he said that he had grown and no longer wanted to be that person. In the past, I’ve mentioned exploring an open relationship. He said that he didn’t believe that a strong relationship could be open and didn’t want to jeopardize what we had. I brought it up a few more times and he said that he was willing to try it if it was something that I wanted. Oh, and the sex is really good. We share the same kinks and his dick game is strong.

My question: Should I just break up with him or would it be a bad idea to try an open relationship at this point? Could an open relationship come out of infidelity without making things worse? I doubt I could ever trust him to be monogamous, so that’s just not an option. But maybe if I could still get that good D and look for something more emotionally fulfilling elsewhere… maybe it could work out for the both of us? I’ve also never dated a woman and would really like the opportunity to explore that part of me.

I do love him, which is probably clouding my judgment. That and the sex. He claims that he cheated because he was scared we were
“in a very good place” and sabotage was his response. I think he loves me as much as he is capable of, it’s just not enough for me to want to continue to try a monogamous relationship with him.

Too Hard To Say Goodbye

The boy with the good D was offered an open relationship and he passed. Then the boy with the good D cheated and lied—and when he finally fessed up, THTSG, it turned out he only cheated because things were soooooo good that dick demons flew into his pants and forced him to sabotage the relationship. Which means he didn’t lie and cheat because he’s so bad. He lied and cheated because the two of you are so good.

What’s wrong with you, THSTSG? Can’t you take a compliment?

Ha ha. Nope. The boy with the good D and the history of cheating is incapable of honoring a monogamous commitment and I have a hunch he damn well knows it. So why couldn’t he admit that to you? Well, it wasn’t because he thought you would insist on monogamy. You offered him an open relationship before he cheated. Which means… he’s one of those assholes who doesn’t want to be monogamous himself but wants his partner to be monogamous to him.

Now it’s impossible to forge an honest, healthy, functional open relationship with someone that cheated on you. People often fail at monogamy for years—because monogamy is what we’re told we should want and what we have a right to expect and that monogamy means love and good people want monogamy and no one wants to think of themselves as a bad person and blah blah blah—and sometimes people have to “fail at monogamy” over and over again before they realize that in fact monogamy has failed them. And lots of people who’ve failed at monogamy go on to create ethical (and mutually!) non-monogamous relationships with partners they’d previously cheated on. It’s shitty, it’s painful, it’s not the ideal path, but it happens all the time.

But if this habitual cheater can’t be honest with you still about why he cheated on you—if he can’t be honest with the woman who offered him an open relationship at the start—that’s not a good sign. Because you can’t have an ethical non-monogamous relationship with a fucking liar who treats you like an idiot, THTSG, since non-monogamous relationships, like monogamous ones, require honesty, respect, and a willingness to honor the rules. (Open relationships have rules too—often more rules than a closed one.)

I also have a hunch about you: You know this guy isn’t a good candidate for an ethical non-monogamous relationship, THTSG. My evidence? He’s not your primary partner in the non-monogamous future you’ve imagined with him. If you’re getting the D from him and “emotional fulfillment elsewhere,” well, then he’s not playing the part of your boyfriend in that future. He’s your future friend-with-benefits and/or your future secondary partner—and you’re the person he’ll probably cheat on his future partner(s) with. But you won’t be his girlfriend. Not anymore.

Stop thinking this is about upgrading him to ethical non-monogamous partner, THTSG, but rather downgrading him to fuckbuddy/D-on-the-side.