Oh, Man

1. “I wish this article was four times as long and full of Weekend At Bernie’s-style physical comedy.”

   There is exactly that! Go read previous issues – there are plenty more where that came from. And he suffers way, way more in the previous issues. This short article is merely the wrap-up to a months-long Bush bashing.

2. Yeah, in the News Briefs, in every (?) issue for the past couple of months, Bush has suffered some sort of terrible accident. Good stuff…

3. Here’s one:
   http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri…

   The three pound kidney stone.

4. <3 !!!

5. oh man, that was kinda harsh. but i lol’ed.

6. “Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital”

7. here’s all of them!

   http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri&hellip;

   Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase

   November 12, 2008 | Issue 44•46

   WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained 24 broken bones, massive internal hemorrhaging, and a severe concussion Monday after falling down the entire staircase of the 555-foot-tall Washington Monument. According to White House press secretary Dana Perino, Bush was making his weekly climb to the monument’s observation floor when he lost his footing on the top step, slipped, and struck each of the obelisk’s 897 stairs with the back of his skull during an uncontrolled descent to the base of the structure. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.

   http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri&hellip;

   Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone

   November 28, 2008 | Issue 44•48

   WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed in the Oval Office after spontaneously expelling a 3-pound kidney stone from his bladder, sources reported Tuesday. According to witnesses, the president was attending his daily Iraq War briefing when he suddenly began shrieking loudly and clutching his abdomen, a mixture of blood and urine pooling rapidly around his feet. Bush was able to maintain consciousness through more than 20 minutes of excruciating pain, even after the jagged, grapefruit-sized crystal aggregation shredded his urethra and dropped from his left pant leg, finally rolling to a stop on the presidential seal in the middle of the Oval Office carpet. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

   http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri&hellip;

   Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

   December 4, 2008 | Issue 44•49

   KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being accidentally dragged behind the presidential motorcade for a period of 15 minutes. According to Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, Bush’s necktie became caught in the trunk of the motorcade’s second vehicle at 4:13 p.m., shortly before the driver accelerated. The president was dragged down 175th Street for 26 blocks and through four stoplights, leaving a trail of blood more than a mile long. Upon hearing shouts emanating from behind his vehicle, the driver abruptly applied the brakes, causing the third car in the motorcade to run over the president’s left leg at a speed of approximately 25 miles per hour. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.

   http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri&hellip;

   Bush’s Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall

   December 8, 2008 | Issue 44•50

   WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained a perforation injury to his right eyelid when a pneumatic nail gun malfunctioned and shot a 12-centimeter-long iron nail that entered Bush’s superonasal sclera, exited through his upper eyelid, and then penetraed the wall of the White House Blue Room. The president remained pinned to the wall for a period of 27 hours before help arrived. According to witnesses, Bush was found passed out with blood dripping from his right tear duct. Doctors confirmed that the intraocular foreign body was removed during a four-hour operation Sunday, and reported significant damage to Bush’s supratrochlear nerve, likely caused by the president’s unsuccessful attempt to forcibly rip his eyelid in half to escape. It is unclear whether he will ever regain sight in his right eye. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

   http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri&hellip;

   Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush

   January 6, 2009 | Issue 45•02

   CAMP DAVID, MD—The Federal Aviation Administration said engine failure was to blame for a pilot losing control of a four-seater Cessna aircraft that crashed head-on into President Bush Thursday. According to the FAA report, the nose of the Cessna 350 impacted with the president’s face at 110 mph, instantly killing pilot James Morris, 45. Bush reportedly suffered third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body, a broken spine, 20 shattered ribs, one collapsed lung, a basilar skull fracture, and minor leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. Bush, who had been hiking alone in an isolated region of the 125-acre presidential retreat before the accident, was trapped under the burning engine block for 45 minutes before rescue crews reached the crash site. While doctors said they worked swiftly to remove the smoldering wreckage from the president’s body, much of the plane’s burning debris had already fused to his skeleton before he could be airlifted from the scene. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

   http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri&hellip;

   Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush’s Brain

   January 14, 2009 | Issue 45•03

   WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed to the floor of the Oval Office during a meeting with advisers when spiderlings hatched from thousands of egg sacs affixed between the hemispheres of his brain, according to a White House memo released Monday. The spiders severed the president’s corpus callosum and ate through the motor-control center of the brain, doctors said, causing Bush’s body to jerk involuntarily as a scurrying mass of crab spiders emerged from his mouth and crawled down his face. Witnesses confirmed that a number of spiders also discharged from the president’s tear ducts. Secret Service agents restrained the president and carried him to the White House medical facility, but doctors said that by the time Bush arrived, the arachnids had already consumed his corneas, pupils, and vitreous humor. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

   http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri&hellip;

   Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep

   January 20, 2009 | Issue 45•04

   WASHINGTON—George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States of America, passed away painlessly in his sleep Monday night, White House sources confirmed. The 62-year-old Bush was reportedly discovered lying unresponsive in his bed by first lady Laura Bush, a gentle smile still on his lips. “It was as though he knew it was his time to go,” said longtime family physician Dr. Harold Ditmas, who pronounced the president dead of natural causes at 7:24 a.m. Plans for Bush’s funeral have been postponed indefinitely following an unexpected incident in which the president’s corpse was sucked through an Air Force One jet engine.

8. Wow.
   Thank you glen keenan, and thank you to the Onion. That just capped a beautiful day with many giggles.

9. You know, I didnt think this week could get any better… and then it did.

10. that wasnt a very funny article. more symbolic i guess.

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