Unless you’ve been living in a menstrual hut for the past few months, you’ve probably heard by now that men are out. From (alleged) serial predators like Harvey Weinstein to (admitted) public masturbators like Louis CK to (accused) bad dates like Aziz “The Claw” Ansari, women have just about had enough. Men rape, men pillage, men offer us white wine when we really prefer red, and, when that’s over, men go about the business of turning the planet into a steaming toxic waste pit. Sure, #notallmen are dicks, but most of them have one, and the women of the world are done.
Happy Valentine’s Day, dudes. This year, all we want is for you to gather up your fedoras and your ball sweat and head back to Mars where you came from.
This is a fantastic time to be a lesbian—or, if you don’t want people to yell at you on Twitter, queer. Sure, dykes wear their keys on their belt loops and start processing their feelings before you’ve even finished coming, but at least we’ll never “accidentally” slip our dicks in your poop chute, if for no other reason than we just don’t have dicks (well, most of us don’t, anyway).