Ed. Note: The first exhibition of billionaire Paul Allen's art collection, DoubleTake, begins on the second floor of the Experience Music Project. An usher at a booth hands out listening devices to be worn around the neck. The usher leads along a roped-off path into a theater, where a seven-minute introductory film plays. This is a transcript of it.

[White screen, empty except for paintings by famous artists hanging in pairs. Pairs of visitors file in to look at the art.]

Boyfriend: Get a load of those two.

Girlfriend: What is she thinking?

Boyfriend: It doesn't take a rocket scientist.

Guy: Grandma, that's an Apollonian, and that's a Dionysian.

Old Lady: Oh, I knew that college education was worth something.

Wife: Those colors don't go together at all.

Husband: You should know.

Teen 1: Ew.

Teen 2: Cool.

[Enter David Hyde Pierce, playing his Frazier character, Niles. The others raise their voices, and in the din the words are heard "I just think art should be pretty. Is that too much to ask?"]

DHP [yelling to quiet them]: Do you know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you feel nothing?

Teen 1 or 2: Who are you, the curio?

DHP: It's called the "curator."

[Enter Paul Hayes Tucker, the curator, in a V-neck sweater, oxford shirt, and pleated slacks.]

PHT: I think all your opinions are valid. You don't have to be an expert to get something out of this.

DHP: Are you seriously telling me there's no difference between an expert and an ignoramus?

PHT: Ignoramus.

DHP: Whatever.

[PHT stands back, holds his chin, and asks DHP the difference between a blonde by Lichtenstein and a young woman by Renoir.]

DHP: One's gettin' it on, the other one's reading about it.

[Paintings in varied styles float by. DHP appears as a monk in a Byzantine picture.]

DHP: I see flat people.

PHT: Composition is like a road map leading us to what's important. [A Pollock drip painting appears.] Beneath all of that sound and fury is careful construction.

DHP: That's what I always say about my life.

[A Monet Rouen Cathedral portrait is seen from the side to show the bumpy paint.]

DHP: Looks like the moon. Wow, one small step for Monet...

[A Family Feud–style scoreboard shows the categories "Subject Matter," "Composition," "Color," "Technique," and "Meaning." They light up in sequence.]

PHT: Every picture tells many stories. You just need to know what questions to ask.

DHP: Oh. I see. [Turns to audience] And what

[Beat] do you see?

The usher holds open the theater exit door, leading to a booth where another usher takes tickets and points to three more sets of doors, two to get into the exhibition and an exit, where a final usher takes the listening device and a cashier waits to ring up DoubleTake shot glasses, T-shirts, and coin purses for sale. recommended

jgraves@thestranger.com