[COLUMNIST’S NOTE: As a cannabis columnist, I receive endless press releases, e-mails, and marketing materials relating to new cannabis and hemp products, projects, events, conferences, and expos.
I gathered 1,000 of these pieces and forced a stoned bot to read them and then write the following press releases—because if there’s anything independent newspapers have, it’s a sizable budget for advanced AI computers that analyze content and produce original material.
Uh, maybe get high for this one.]
Cha-ching for Ch-Chads, Again
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Empathy-impared wealthy loud white men with insensitivity toward differences in others made several trillion-dollar investments into companies that make cannabis for pot-smoker people. These men promised that their empty souls and greed won’t dilute and destroy their pot-business products. “Everything is a commodity, so we now make the best marijuana, just like guns and pesticides,” they said in unison. “It’s all the same.”