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This Week's Savage Love

On Bullshit

October 9, 2008

By Dan Savage

I feel ridiculous e-mailing you, but I figure that if anyone has heard of all manner of ass-hole behavior during sex, it would be you.

I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I've only had one boyfriend—who was, at the time, 21 and, I thought, perfect. The only thing that's still bothering me is the reason we broke up. After promising that he would never hurt me, and reassuring me that he was SO passionate about contraception, I agreed to have sex with him and lose my virginity. And in the middle of fucking me, he removed the condom without a word! He was hoping I wouldn't notice! I did notice—and I kicked his ass to the curb. He cried, he sent stupid gifts, and still calls. At least he didn't get me pregnant.

How upset should I be about this? Or is this something that horny males do? I'm not traumatized. I could nominate him for "Crappy Boyfriend of the Year," but surely someone else's boyfriend has done worse. I really just don't know how to feel about this.

Just Confused

How upset should you be? Very. Did you do the right thing? Absofuckinlutely.

Hell, JC, you did precisely what I would have urged you to do had I been in the room. Of course, the second-to-last thing a straight girl needs in the room with her when she's losing her virginity to some asshole straight boy is a gay man twice her age desperately trying to get out. But if I had been there, JC, and I realized what was going on, I would've stopped trying to break down your locked bedroom door long enough to give your boyfriend—aka the last thing you needed in the room that night—something to cry about for real.

You consented to intercourse with protection, and that asshole deceitfully initiated unprotected intercourse. When a fucker removes a condom during intercourse—gay or straight, vaginal or anal—it invalidates the fuckee's consent to the fucking. (And what is sex without consent, class?) So your "more experienced" boyfriend sexually assaulted you, JC, and placed you at risk of an unplanned pregnancy—and for what? An ever-so-slightly enhanced orgasm for him?

What.

An.

Asshole.

This isn't something that decent guys do at all, JC, much less "all the time." He's an abusive douchebag, and you're well rid of him. Here's hoping his next girlfriend takes proactive steps to make sure the condom stays securely on—I'd suggest staple-gunning the thing in place.

I'm a 23-year-old bi male mostly attracted to women. I have a fetish for cross-dressing, but only in private, as I live in a town—Tucson—that's small enough that I might get recognized if I went out "dressed." I'm not having any luck finding a woman interested in having a long-term relationship. I've been in a few serious relationships with women in the last few years, and all have been GGG for every kink I threw at them. But when I work up the nerve to float guy-on-guy stuff or me wearing panties, I always get "Ewww, gross!" I've tried online options to no avail. Where can I meet my dream girl who will watch me with a guy while I am wearing a skirt?

Closet Princess Seeking Princess

The women you've dated were up for every kink you "threw at them," CPSP, until you tossed out your actual kinks, the ones you care about, the ones that make your dick rock hard, and then you got ewwwgrossed every time.

Hmm.

I'll bet you're breezy, charming, and funny when the stakes are low and you're discussing kinks that aren't your own. But when it comes time to share your kinks, CPSP, I suspect you get nervous, sweaty, and tense. Because the stakes are much, much higher.

Of course, bisexuality and cross-dressing—as opposed to, say, a thing for feet or high heels (on her)—are going to be higher hurdles for most women. The former because it taps into thoroughly reasonable fears (what if you're gay and not out yet? what health risks is she running if you're out there sucking off other dudes?); the latter because for some women, seeing their boyfriends engaged in what they perceive to be thoroughly unmasculine activities—their asses panty-clad, their mouths cock-stuffed—amounts to a deal-breaking turnoff.

But there are women into your kinks, CPSP; it's just going to take more than one or two internet searches to find one. And there are women who might be willing to go there for you, if they love you enough, but you'll never know if she's the one if you shut down after that first "Ewww, gross!"

I'm a 21-year-old, good-looking, sexually active, single woman. I have never had a boyfriend, but I have many guy friends who tell me that I'm great. Is it that men don't want to date me, or is my lack of putting up with bullshit getting me into trouble?

Alone Again Unnaturally

You don't give me much to work with here, AAU. For instance, examples of the kind of bullshit you're incapable of putting up with might help. Because you know what? Some bullshit is intolerable, AAU, but there's no such thing as a bullshit-free relationship. A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling to put up with each other's bullshit—day in, day out, year after year—in exchange for things intangible (love) and things tangible (sex). And why should anyone put up with your bullshit, kiddo, if you won't put up with theirs?

I saw your offer to respond to all e-mails from people who made at least a $25 donation to the fight against California's Proposition 8. I would like you to consider expanding the offer to include donations to our campaign, also. As you may know, Florida voters have been asked to approve a similar amendment here. Amendment 2 is worse, actually, as it also bans civil unions AND domestic partnerships. But we only need 40 percent of the vote to block it.

We're no joke—we've raised about $4 million and our TV ads start this week. But we need another $500,000 to push this over the top.

Derek Newton, Campaign Manager, www.sayno2.com

You're in, Derek.

The six biggest Savage Love donors to either www.noonprop8.com or www.sayno2 .com will see their letters in print, and everyone who makes a donation of at least $25 to either group—send me your donation confirmation e-mail along with your question—gets a personal reply from yours truly. The cutoff date for eligible letters is October 16. And if my readers in Canada want to play along, too, you're invited to send proof of a donation to someone, anyone, running against Stephen Harper.

mail@savagelove.net

Comments (7)

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Great answer to Just Confused, Dan. The same thing happened to me when I was 16; I didn't find out until there was come spilling out all over the place, he wasn't wearing a condom, and the condom he HAD been wearing was crumpled on the bed. But I didn't have the smarts that Just Confused had. I hung onto him for another year and, luckily, got neither pregnant nor an STD. Revenge is sweet, however. Now, 35 years later, I have found out through the wonders of Facebook that he's a genuine nutcase, miserable, and totally disconnected from society. Heh.
Posted by sondari on October 7, 2008 at 10:20 PM
I really like your response to "Closet Princess Seeking Princess" here.

...I'm not sure what girls like this call each other most of the time, but among the girls I know, we like to call ourselves "Yaoi fangirls."

I actually like it better than maybe 'fag hag' or whichever other label we're using these days. Or maybe that's just the overly feminine gay anime men clouding my mind with delicious gay japanese porn.
Posted by Sarah on October 7, 2008 at 10:58 PM
I don't buy for a second that "Alone Again Unnaturally" is such a catch if she can't get a boyfriend. Any attractive 21 year old woman is going to have tons of attention from guys. She probably isn't as great as she says she is.

Her saying that she is sexually active might be a tipoff that she only goes for "hot" guys who are happy to jump in bed with her, but who think they can do better when it comes to a girlfriend.

She has "many guy friends" who tell her she is great? I wonder how many of them might be saying that just because they want her goodies.

Finally, her "lack of putting up with bullshit" makes her seem like she might just be a bitch. It might be true like you say that her "bullshit" is serious and shouldn't be put up with, or it could be that not responding to her text quickly enough is "bullshit" that will earn the guy some crazy time.

Lots of men want to use women for sex. Of course there is always a lot of ass-kissing involved. Most women have the sense to tell insincere flattery from genuine praise. Whenever I see "attractive" women who have an outwardly high opinion of themselves but who can't get a boyfriend, usually it means they buy into all this insincere flattery. So they think they are something special, when in reality they are just being manipulated while each guy takes his turn.

In short, if any girl told me what "Alone Again Unnaturally" wrote to you, it would be a huge red flag and I would run for the hills. To sum up, red flags:

1. saying she is good-looking (no humility?)

2. sexually active, single (some people might call that a slut?)

3. never had a boyfriend (by age 21?)

4. "I have many guy friends" (attractive women with all or mostly male friends almost always have terrible personalities.)

5. "who tell me that I'm great" (she is great because guy friends say so? that is her proof?)

6. "Is it that men don't want to date me?" (you mean you aren't even going on dates before the sex? wow! at least make them buy you dinner, lol. is she just a booty call?)

7. "or is my lack of putting up with bullshit" (false choice, it isn't necessarily either, but when a girl says she doesn't put up with bullshit, it usually means she is saying she has a short fuse.)
Posted by kaltes on October 8, 2008 at 2:51 AM
As for Just Confused's ex, if they were both 17 I would say the guy might have just been young and stupid, but since he was 21 and having sex with a 17 year old after obviously bullshitting her into it, he's pretty likely a complete jackass.

If he really cared about this girl and wanted a LTR with her, he never would have done it. Something tells me that if she let him finish before dumping him instead of cutting it short, he might have been off bragging to his friends instead of crying, calling, and sending gifts.
Posted by kaltes on October 8, 2008 at 3:02 AM
well said, kaltes!
Posted by lux on October 8, 2008 at 3:04 AM
Oh man, I just *wish* I could find a nice bisexual cross-dresser in my town. Don't lose hope, Princess! There ARE girls out there looking for someone just like you.
Posted by Andy on October 8, 2008 at 4:10 AM
BI-guys that cross dress are so hot. I haven't found a guy willing to do either for me. If he didn't live clear across the county, I'd track him down.
Posted by PAsister on October 8, 2008 at 4:12 AM

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