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Foolproof
May 14, 2009
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Joe Newton
Over the past few years, my husband and I have realized that he has needs that I cannot meet. I do not begrudge him these needs, and I would fill them if I could. I want him to be happy and satisfied, not just for him, but for myself as well. We discussed opening our relationship, but our therapist recoiled at the idea. If I can't help him and we can't have someone else help him, what can we do? We can't imagine breaking up, but if we're both unhappy, then I can only assume that we will split eventually. We have been together for over a decade and love each other deeply. I am sick over this situation, and I don't know what to do. I don't know that I fully trust our therapist, and I would like to hear an informed second opinion. I value your advice.
Life Decisions
Here's an informed second opinion: Fuck your asshole therapist. And here's a better-informed bonus third opinion:
"It's incredibly unfortunate that some therapists either aren't educated about open relationships or buy into common myths about them," says Tristan Taormino, activist, author, pornographer, and author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Way too many therapists, she says, "pathologize people who want to open their relationships and try to convince them that they have intimacy or commitment issues. The truth is you can be both intimate with and fully committed to more than one partner, or be committed to one partner and have sex with others."
Tristan interviewed scores of couples in successful open relationships, and she found that many initially opened their relationships because of an issue of sexual incompatibility.
"The scenario you present is not uncommon," she continues. "If both of you really are committed to giving it a go, I'd advise you to find a new therapist, one who has experience with—and not a prejudice against—non-monogamous clients. The right therapist can help you figure out your limits, set boundaries, and make an agreement about this new type of relationship that works for both of you."
You can also check out the stories, advice, and references at Tristan's website www.openingup.net. Good luck, LD.
I've enjoyed your column for years and always found you to be well reasoned. That's why your agreement with Perez Hilton on Miss California was so shocking. I'm a straight guy totally for gay rights in all respects. Still, it's beneath you to call someone who disagrees with your position a "dumb bitch." You're better than that, Dan! Don't you see that you and Mr. Hilton are promulgating hatred against a person for that individual's beliefs, something you both claim to abhor?
Basically On Your Side
I don't think Miss California is a dumb bitch for her beliefs, BOYS, but for her actions. ("Love the sinner/dumb bitch, hate the sin/dumb bitchery.") For the record: There are lots of reasonable folks out there who oppose same-sex marriage, and I can interact with them in a civil fashion. Heck, I voted for an opponent of marriage equality back in November.
What sets Miss CA apart from reasonable opponents of marriage equality, BOYS, is her opportunism coupled with her stupidity.
I thought Perez Hilton went too far when he called Miss CA a "dumb bitch" after the pageant—and said so on my blog. But I started to come around to Hilton's POV after Miss CA, despite having said at the pageant that she thought it was "great that Americans are able to choose" gay marriage or "opposite marriage," joined a political campaign to deny marriage rights to gays and lesbians. Miss CA is leveraging her spat with Hilton for her own personal financial gain. Ghostwritten books, speaking gigs at evangelical churches, a potential guest-host gig on The View—beats work, huh? And so what if it oppresses gays and lesbians?
And that's when I thought, "Hmm, I guess she is a bitch."
And then came her interview on Fox News: "You know what, Greta? I don't have the answers to everything," Miss CA told Greta Van Susteren when asked about civil unions. And when Van Susteren followed up by asking Miss CA "what [she] thinks" about civil unions and gay people adopting children, Miss CA responded, "I'm not a politician, so I can't give you an answer to that." So seeing as she's not a politician, Miss CA can't be expected to know what she herself thinks about adoptions and civil unions.
And that's when I thought, gawd, she's dumb, too—and that's when I had to concede that Hilton was right.
I'm a 17-year-old girl. My 16-year-old boyfriend doesn't like condoms, and I don't like what birth control pills do to my emotions and my skin. Now what?
Pregnancy Isn't Looking Likely
I'll be with you in a minute, PILL. But first...
More stupidity and opportunism: Bristol Palin is now a spokesperson for an organization that encourages teenagers to abstain from having sex. "Regardless of what I did personally," Bristol advised America's youth last week, "abstinence is the only... 100 percent foolproof way you can prevent pregnancy."
Here are a few other 100 percent foolproof ways to prevent pregnancy, Bristol, right off the top of my head: mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex (aka "saddlebacking" when practiced by Christian teens), outercourse, sex toys, cybersex, GAY SEX. There are actually lots of "foolproof" ways for teenagers (and adults) to be intimate without risking an unplanned pregnancy.
Instead of telling teenagers to say no to sex—which will work about as well as telling them to say no to drugs—we should tell them there are ways to be sexual that carry no risk of pregnancy. But if they do decide to have sex, of course, they're going to need to know about and have access to contraception and the "morning after" pill—and, yes, abortion services. But if we continue to present being sexually active as either/or—either abstinence or vaginal intercourse—we're going to see more outcomes like yours, Bristol.
When you explain to nervous, inexperienced teenagers that they don't have to jump right into full intercourse—that there are degrees of intimacy, and risk, and they can have enjoyable sexual experiences without vaginal (or anal) penetration—they're often relieved. (And just imagine what we could have been spared—all of us, Bristol, from your family to Levi's family to the McCain campaign—if Levi had limited himself to inseminating your tonsils.)
So, PILL, here's what you do: Enjoy outercourse, oral, masturbation, and sex toys—and tell your boyfriend that these aren't consolation prizes for teenagers, but honest-to-God sex acts that adults enjoy—until you and your boyfriend find the condoms and lube that work for you.
2
I am totally with Dan on this one. And quite frankly, if I had to think of the group of people least likely to express on opinion on a controversial issue, it would be a politician. Sorry, Miss CA, but when you take an increasingly unpopular position on an issue involving the civil rights of a minority group, many people won't like it. When your justification includes things like personal religious beliefs (Why should I have to kowtow to your religious beliefs? Trust me, we don't share them) and you go around spouting this "I'm not a politician" stuff, you open yourself up to being called a "dumb bitch." No one is asking you to marry a woman, and no one is asking your church to perform the ceremony. What business is it of yours whom I marry? You're not invited anyway, I promise.
6
Dan, I do not think you had to wait until the Greta interview to realize that she is "intellectually inadequate"...all you have to do is see how incongruent her line is about how great it is "that Americans are able to choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage"...only bisexual Iowans and the bisexuals in some of those squishy states in the NE can choose between same-sex and mixed-sex marriages...not all Americans are bisexuals living in Iowa and the other states that care about civil rights...not to mention the abhorrent DOMA is still in effect nationally...so, right now Americans cannot choose...
7
Message to BOYS-- You obviously are missing something. Either common sense, empathy or just a few classes in basic Civics. So, assuming it's the last, I'll spell this out for you. If you're missing in the first two, then there's not much I can do for you.
Denying a group of our citizenry certain privileges and rights that the majority of citizens enjoy is not a subject for "belief." It's a prejudiced act perpetrated by our government. A "belief" is whether that prejudiced act is a good thing or a bad thing. If you believe its a bad thing for the government to act prejudiciously towards some of its citizens, great, you're in the company of many beautiful and intelligent people, dead & alive, people who have made this world a better place to live. If you believe its a good thing for the government to do so, great, you're in the company of millions of people who did nothing remarkable, and whose greatest contribution to the world is to perpetrate more hatred, animosity, and misery.
So if you have the "belief" that gays shouldn't be granted the legal benefits of marriage, then the promulgator of hatred is staring at you from the mirror, not some columnist you've never met. And so don't be surprised if I happen to think you're a douchebag, like all the other bigots.
Denying a group of our citizenry certain privileges and rights that the majority of citizens enjoy is not a subject for "belief." It's a prejudiced act perpetrated by our government. A "belief" is whether that prejudiced act is a good thing or a bad thing. If you believe its a bad thing for the government to act prejudiciously towards some of its citizens, great, you're in the company of many beautiful and intelligent people, dead & alive, people who have made this world a better place to live. If you believe its a good thing for the government to do so, great, you're in the company of millions of people who did nothing remarkable, and whose greatest contribution to the world is to perpetrate more hatred, animosity, and misery.
So if you have the "belief" that gays shouldn't be granted the legal benefits of marriage, then the promulgator of hatred is staring at you from the mirror, not some columnist you've never met. And so don't be surprised if I happen to think you're a douchebag, like all the other bigots.
8
Funny thing is, I MISS being a crazy teenager who knew penetrative vaginal sex was off the table (Catholic boy friend) and all we had were crazy tense nights sneaky in and out of each others' bedrooms, doing all but It in the back of cars, hands in crazy places during movies.
And when we finally did It, when we were both in college and a little wiser, every sexual act had to end in The Act to seem meaningful. Many decades later, I have embraced by inner 17 year old and reveled in so many playful sexual experiences that brought amazing intimacy and climax.
Enjoy all of your options! Even the ones that might not knock you up. You may miss them some day.
And when we finally did It, when we were both in college and a little wiser, every sexual act had to end in The Act to seem meaningful. Many decades later, I have embraced by inner 17 year old and reveled in so many playful sexual experiences that brought amazing intimacy and climax.
Enjoy all of your options! Even the ones that might not knock you up. You may miss them some day.
10
there is also a highly effective, non-hormonal birth-control method that PILL can use... the copper-T IUD. Unfortunately, the IUD still suffers from the bad press it got in the 70s, but it is much safer today because of design modification and pre-insertion STI testing. it is greater than 99% effective (equal to sterilization) and reversible.
11
FYI - the incidence of pregnancy among saddlebackers (who are using that as "birth control") is actually fairly high - it's not a 0-pregnancy-risk activity.
(Of course, a suggestion to try an ultra-thin [lubed] condom and try a silicone lube if you aren't using silicone toys is also a good idea, as is the idea that 0 pregnancy risk does not equal 0 STI risk so unless you've both been tested clean twice within a monogamous 6 months some barrier is useful: dental dam aka plastic wrap, etc)
(Of course, a suggestion to try an ultra-thin [lubed] condom and try a silicone lube if you aren't using silicone toys is also a good idea, as is the idea that 0 pregnancy risk does not equal 0 STI risk so unless you've both been tested clean twice within a monogamous 6 months some barrier is useful: dental dam aka plastic wrap, etc)
12
What I'm tired of is disagreement with someone, even a hatred for an idea someone expresses, being attacked as personal intolerance. Every time some right winger says something and the statement is attacked forcefully as bigoted or whatever, we're not being tolerant, we're not allowing her freedom of speech, blah blah blah. I don't deny Miz Cali's right to say those things in a pageant, in fact I think it's kind of appalling that espousing political beliefs is so abnormal in our civic lives that it's sorta against the rules of the show (just think of what a hero she'd be if she came bravely out in support!).
I'm all for her freedom of speech, not just tolerant of her rights but avid that more people should use those rights, and I'm going to use my own to contradict her ideas, but not her right to have 'em. And yeah, sometimes someone is a dumb bitch, and sometimes she's not. Whatever, this discussion shouldn't devolve into a discussion of jerkishness or bad manners.
But from all sides, let's have interesting, intelligent argument. "Agreeing to disagree" or being tolerant of everyone's right to speak without it being acceptable for me to debate or respond fills our heads with grape jelly. I don't tolerate her sentiments, I don't agree to be nice about her bigoted beliefs, but she should keep talking her cutie, empty, topless little self into a tizzy if she'd like. And if she's the new NOM darling, great, just don't tell me that revulsion against a bigot isn't playing nice.
I'm all for her freedom of speech, not just tolerant of her rights but avid that more people should use those rights, and I'm going to use my own to contradict her ideas, but not her right to have 'em. And yeah, sometimes someone is a dumb bitch, and sometimes she's not. Whatever, this discussion shouldn't devolve into a discussion of jerkishness or bad manners.
But from all sides, let's have interesting, intelligent argument. "Agreeing to disagree" or being tolerant of everyone's right to speak without it being acceptable for me to debate or respond fills our heads with grape jelly. I don't tolerate her sentiments, I don't agree to be nice about her bigoted beliefs, but she should keep talking her cutie, empty, topless little self into a tizzy if she'd like. And if she's the new NOM darling, great, just don't tell me that revulsion against a bigot isn't playing nice.
15
That lady needs to get the fuck over herself and get on some kind of birth control and insist on her boyfriend using condoms if she doesn't want to get pregnant and stuck with that dipshit for the rest of her life because she got pregnant. From her letter, she doesn't strike me as the "get an abortion" type. Condoms are the answer - start using them. If regular condoms don't work, there's always the female condom (something I'm surprised Dan didn't mention).
16
'he has needs that I cannot meet. I do not begrudge him these needs, and I would fill them if I could.'
That is SO vague, it's killing me. I hope for Dan's sake that the unedited letter was juicier – I wouldn't know where to begin with such a lack of info. Did her vagina heal shut? Does he want to bang dudes? Screw animals? I need details!
Also, girl whose boyfriend doesn't like condoms? Too fucking bad. And if he 'gives in,' I still wouldn't fuck him – 10 dollars says it'll 'accidentally slip off 'mid-intercourse all the time. (I'm not sure a copper IUD is the answer, either. It increases the flow heaviness for the majority of users, often to the point of anemia and with extra cramps. Plus it can be expensive, especially for a teen who may be keeping her sex life a secret form her parents, Also, despite its safeness, many doctors are reluctant to insert it in women without children).
Here's a great way to keep 99% of straight teens from having intercourse. Tell them to hold off until the guy gives the girl a full-blown orgasm through oral sex or a handjob. No faking, no 'Uh, I think I felt something...'s. Yeah, there may be a few blessed girls (and guys) out there, but they'll be the exception.
That is SO vague, it's killing me. I hope for Dan's sake that the unedited letter was juicier – I wouldn't know where to begin with such a lack of info. Did her vagina heal shut? Does he want to bang dudes? Screw animals? I need details!
Also, girl whose boyfriend doesn't like condoms? Too fucking bad. And if he 'gives in,' I still wouldn't fuck him – 10 dollars says it'll 'accidentally slip off 'mid-intercourse all the time. (I'm not sure a copper IUD is the answer, either. It increases the flow heaviness for the majority of users, often to the point of anemia and with extra cramps. Plus it can be expensive, especially for a teen who may be keeping her sex life a secret form her parents, Also, despite its safeness, many doctors are reluctant to insert it in women without children).
Here's a great way to keep 99% of straight teens from having intercourse. Tell them to hold off until the guy gives the girl a full-blown orgasm through oral sex or a handjob. No faking, no 'Uh, I think I felt something...'s. Yeah, there may be a few blessed girls (and guys) out there, but they'll be the exception.
17
Be careful there--anal sex can occasionally lead to pregnancy. Hetero teenagers need to know that they should use a condom for anal sex because there have been cases of pregnancy.
I would be iffy about suggesting she perform oral sex on him without a condom unless he's been tested first. That's a way to spread STDs too. Though, as an afterthought, the whole "I don't like the pill" implies that it's not an issue...
I would be iffy about suggesting she perform oral sex on him without a condom unless he's been tested first. That's a way to spread STDs too. Though, as an afterthought, the whole "I don't like the pill" implies that it's not an issue...
19
Would somebody please tell the 16 year old boy that sexual response is elastic and that, especially at age 16, his dick will learn how to cum just fine while using a condom if he man's up long enough to wear one a few times and get used to it instead of being selfish and putting the burden of birth control on the girl enough kind enough to have sex with him! DTMFA if he won't wear a condom! geesh...
20
She doesn't like what birth control is doing to her skin and emotions? What the hell kind of pills is she taking? I took birth control pills that improved my emotions, blocked the fatigue I always felt on the first or two days before my period, and helped my skin. It's called Yasmine. I strongly recommend it. Even so, I still also recommend Dan's advice on top of it since even birth control isn't 100%, although it helps.
And yeah. The whole Miss California thing... I don't think there are words to describe how I feel about her actions. I'm still disgusted that the government in California even thought it was appropriate to have a vote on a human rights issue.
And yeah. The whole Miss California thing... I don't think there are words to describe how I feel about her actions. I'm still disgusted that the government in California even thought it was appropriate to have a vote on a human rights issue.
23
I agree with Shady Waffle, I just don't have to say it 3 times. There are plenty of low-dose pills out there that make life easier. Go to Planned Parenthood, Ortho Tri-Cyclen-LO is their standard recommendation.
24
Who are these "reasonable" people Dan knows who oppose gay marriage? I've never met any such beast, largely because there IS no reasonable excuse for doing so. It's quite simple, if you oppose interracial marriage you are by definition a racist, if you oppose gay marriage you are by definition a homophobe.
25
I don't think anyone should ever use an iud. The chances you might get pregnant are low. However if you do the chances of carrying that child to term with out defects are even lower. And no this isn't 70s jugdement of a birth control method. This is a jugdement based on the fact that 5 years ago I got pregnant while on this safe birth control. It ending up that the iud broke my water at 21 weeks, gave me and infection that almost killed me. So not only did that thing destroy one life but damn near left my other 2 children without a mother. If your boyfriend doesn't like condoms fine tell him you will suck him, or he can do you up the ass. But if he wants to have vaginal sex with you to get over the hangup and put on a condom. Because really is it going to kill him to wear one.
26
There's generally a pill that will work for everyone, but it can take a very long time to find it. It took me a half-dozen tries to find a pill that wouldn't destroy my emotional equilibrium, my period, my sex drive, or some combination of those. If you're not in a position where you can go to the gyno over and over again to get your pills adjusted, it can be very difficult for some women to find the right pills. I agree with Dan and the earlier commenter, playing around with other forms of sexual activity can be very satisfying, and will just make sex better when you do get around to it.
27
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE!
I was so elated to read about what Dan thought of Miss California because I feel the same way. I'm not sick of her because of her opinion and beliefs. I'm sick because she's pretending she's on a moral crusade when, in actuality, she's just pushing her career.
Bravo again on the abstinence only and Bristol Palin critique.
I was so elated to read about what Dan thought of Miss California because I feel the same way. I'm not sick of her because of her opinion and beliefs. I'm sick because she's pretending she's on a moral crusade when, in actuality, she's just pushing her career.
Bravo again on the abstinence only and Bristol Palin critique.
28
IUDs don't protect against STDs, so I wouldn't recommend them to teenagers.
If he tries wearing a condom a few times, especially an ultra-thin one, he'll get used to it and he'll be fine. If he won't do that, he doesn't get to have intercourse. You can still enjoy all the other activities mentioned, and if he really wnats intercourse after that he'll just have to deal with condoms.
If he tries wearing a condom a few times, especially an ultra-thin one, he'll get used to it and he'll be fine. If he won't do that, he doesn't get to have intercourse. You can still enjoy all the other activities mentioned, and if he really wnats intercourse after that he'll just have to deal with condoms.
29
please, PILL....read the comments and think aboout STIs. if your boyfirned does not use a ocndom with you, he won't either if he sleeps around.. so I would be careful. use condoms, and use the pill, the vaginal ring, whatever hormonal method......you'll eventually find one that is oK for you
30
PILL-I had the same problem you did with hormonal birth control. I spent hours a day crying or screaming at my loved ones. An IUD can be a good way for you to go, but they can be expensive and have other side effects like cramping, heavy periods, between period spotting etc but I don't find these much of a problem. The new IUDs are not the same ones that caused problems back in the 70's and they are better than many think. Check it out with Planned Parenthood or your regular OB/GYN.
31
I'm intrigued by the comments that state that you can get pregnant from anal sex. (jcooper, powertrash,..) How exactly is that possible? Can gay men get pregnant too?
32
I'm sorry, but not everyone manages to stumble upon the "right" pill.
Bottom line is, whichever formulation you choose, whether low dose or otherwise, the pill acts by shutting down your normal ovarian function, blocking testosterone production thought to be responsible for one's sex drive, and binding sex hormones in the body.
Over almost a decade I was prescribed every type of pill available and only continued to suffer from depression, acne, weight gain and low libido the whole time. Lucky you ones who can tolerate it, but don't assume that everyone can.
Bottom line is, whichever formulation you choose, whether low dose or otherwise, the pill acts by shutting down your normal ovarian function, blocking testosterone production thought to be responsible for one's sex drive, and binding sex hormones in the body.
Over almost a decade I was prescribed every type of pill available and only continued to suffer from depression, acne, weight gain and low libido the whole time. Lucky you ones who can tolerate it, but don't assume that everyone can.
33
Its so simple. All people have to do is not think about there "beliefs" when the non-issue of gay marriage comes up.
If this were back in the 60's, would she have given the same answer if she were asked about a black and white person getting married? Would it still be in her "beliefs" that they should not be married?
This is all about civil rights for gay people and has nothing to do with religion. I thought people were so big on "seperation of church and state", cant even say the word God in school.
If this were back in the 60's, would she have given the same answer if she were asked about a black and white person getting married? Would it still be in her "beliefs" that they should not be married?
This is all about civil rights for gay people and has nothing to do with religion. I thought people were so big on "seperation of church and state", cant even say the word God in school.
34
Anal sex can get you pregnant? orly? Well now that just might explain how Michael Moore came to this world.
As to PILL, yeah have a look at IUDs obviously.
As to PILL, yeah have a look at IUDs obviously.
35
Abstinence fails, and Christians fail to realize that their beloved, revered Mary would be the first one to tell them so. Logic? Not where abstinence-only Bible-thumpers are concerned. Homosexual acts are the one 100% safe sex method that will not get you pregnant. I also enjoy pointing out to the Bible-thumpers that homosexuality prevents abortions...
36
Sorry Dan, I have to disagree *gasp*.
PILL: You tell him to suck it the fuck up and put the damn rubber on, NOW. I have spoken to many many men (and have had sex with a few of 'em) about how condoms really feel. The unanimous agreement: It really doesn't make a difference. So, PILL, your boyfriend is simply falling prey to our societies view of sexuality and its prejudices against contraceptives. Also, he is using society's view to manipulate you. This is WRONG. if you want to let him stick his dick in you, he needs to wear a condom. And while all the other types of sexual activity Dan suggested are great fun (really!), you two probably won't be together forever (sorry) and he needs to learn ASAP that condoms are a great thing.
PILL: You tell him to suck it the fuck up and put the damn rubber on, NOW. I have spoken to many many men (and have had sex with a few of 'em) about how condoms really feel. The unanimous agreement: It really doesn't make a difference. So, PILL, your boyfriend is simply falling prey to our societies view of sexuality and its prejudices against contraceptives. Also, he is using society's view to manipulate you. This is WRONG. if you want to let him stick his dick in you, he needs to wear a condom. And while all the other types of sexual activity Dan suggested are great fun (really!), you two probably won't be together forever (sorry) and he needs to learn ASAP that condoms are a great thing.
37
@31: You can get pregnant as a result of semen leaking out of the anus into the region of the vagina. It is VERY unlikely, but technically possible. And no, gay men cannot get pregnant because contrary to popular belief they are men. Men without female reproductive organs. As in, no uterus, no eggs. You need more than sperm for a baby.
38
@31: You can get pregnant as a result of semen leaking out of the anus into the region of the vagina. It is VERY unlikely, but technically possible. And no, gay men cannot get pregnant because contrary to popular belief they are men. Men without female reproductive organs. As in, no uterus, no eggs. You need more than sperm for a baby.
39
@31: You can get pregnant as a result of semen leaking out of the anus into the region of the vagina. It is VERY unlikely, but technically possible. And no, gay men cannot get pregnant because contrary to popular belief they are men. Men without female reproductive organs. As in, no uterus, no eggs. You need more than sperm for a baby.
40
"I'm intrigued by the comments that state that you can get pregnant from anal sex. (jcooper, powertrash,..) How exactly is that possible? Can gay men get pregnant too? "
It's not the anal sex itself that causes pregnancy, but if you shoot a big load in a lady's ass, it's got to come back out sooner or later (perhaps as our old friend santorum). And the opening of the vagina is awefully close to the anus... Unless great care is taken, it's always possible that some will inadvertantly make the journey to the wrong hole (or the right hole, depending on how you look at it).
It's not the anal sex itself that causes pregnancy, but if you shoot a big load in a lady's ass, it's got to come back out sooner or later (perhaps as our old friend santorum). And the opening of the vagina is awefully close to the anus... Unless great care is taken, it's always possible that some will inadvertantly make the journey to the wrong hole (or the right hole, depending on how you look at it).
41
Yes, anal sex can get you pregnant if you are not careful where semen goes during or after. The anus does not seal itself after sex, and leaking sperm are determined little buggers, and can make their way into other orifices. It is also possible to slip out right before ejaculation and end up with semen everywhere. These scenarios are probably rare, but certainly not out of the realm of possibility. Anal sex with a condom would eliminate pretty much all of that risk, but if her boyfriend would use a condom, we wouldn't be having this discussion anyway.
42
@25 - what doctor let you keep an IUD in after you got pregnant? I was also one of the 2% failure rate for this method, and got it yanked right after I found out I was pregnant. Now I have a happy, healthy 19 year old daughter as a result. IUDs do tend to cause heavier, more crampy periods, but you aren't putting artificial hormones into your body, and the water supply (by pissing the hormones out). My 19 year old daughter knows that if you use two methods of birth control (the pill AND condoms, for example), then the risk of becoming pregnant is as close to zero as you can get.
43
As a poly and kink friendly therapist, I wholeheartedly agree with Dan and Tristan's comments. While there are a lot of ignorant therapists out there, there are plenty of us who have experience helping couples enrich their lives and their relationships through safe, consensual non-monogamy.
http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/psych.h… is a good, albeit incomplete resource. I personally know at least ten more therapists in my home state who aren't on this list. Still, it's a starting point!
And seriously, don't be afraid to shop around. The quality of the match between you and your therapist is one of the most important factors in a successful therapy. If you don't feel like a given therapist is a match for you after a few sessions, don't feel bad about trying someone else!
http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/psych.h… is a good, albeit incomplete resource. I personally know at least ten more therapists in my home state who aren't on this list. Still, it's a starting point!
And seriously, don't be afraid to shop around. The quality of the match between you and your therapist is one of the most important factors in a successful therapy. If you don't feel like a given therapist is a match for you after a few sessions, don't feel bad about trying someone else!
44
@20: Calm down. Birth control doesn't work for everyone; just because you found the right pill for you doesn't mean every other woman in the world shares your hormonal and chemical make-up. Some women's bodies just can't handle pills. Hell, it doesn't even sound like PILL is suffering the very worst side effects. I switched to a low dose half a year ago, and I was still crazy.
Uh, why do so many people think fucking ass without a condom is a good, safe idea? PILL, if you do decide to do anal instead, make sure your boyfriend doesn't also dislike lube and taking it easy.
I agree with #36. He just needs to suck it up.
Uh, why do so many people think fucking ass without a condom is a good, safe idea? PILL, if you do decide to do anal instead, make sure your boyfriend doesn't also dislike lube and taking it easy.
I agree with #36. He just needs to suck it up.
45
Gynos will most likely not give a teen an IUD. Since they don't protect against STDs, and can actually increase your chances of getting an STD if you have more than one partner, docs prefer to give them to women who are in long-term, monogamous relationships.
PILL, you have other options. There are many pill formulations you could try:
http://contraception.about.com/od/thepil…
If you're on a triphasic pill (one that varies the hormone levels), switching over to a monophasic one (steady dose of hormones) could make a big difference in regulating your mood swings. I liked Yasmin a lot better than Ortho Tri-Cyclen.
You could also try NuvaRing, a ring you insert vaginally once per cycle. It exposes you to a lower level of hormones.
If you really prefer condoms, though, and your guy can't handle using them, perhaps it'd be better to switch boyfriends, rather than your birth control method. If he consistently puts himself first like this, he's not mature enough for sex anyway, and you deserve better.
All the best to you.
PILL, you have other options. There are many pill formulations you could try:
http://contraception.about.com/od/thepil…
If you're on a triphasic pill (one that varies the hormone levels), switching over to a monophasic one (steady dose of hormones) could make a big difference in regulating your mood swings. I liked Yasmin a lot better than Ortho Tri-Cyclen.
You could also try NuvaRing, a ring you insert vaginally once per cycle. It exposes you to a lower level of hormones.
If you really prefer condoms, though, and your guy can't handle using them, perhaps it'd be better to switch boyfriends, rather than your birth control method. If he consistently puts himself first like this, he's not mature enough for sex anyway, and you deserve better.
All the best to you.
46
Gynos will most likely not give a teen an IUD. Since they don't protect against STDs, and can actually increase your chances of getting an STD if you have more than one partner, docs prefer to give them to women who are in long-term, monogamous relationships.
PILL, you have other options. There are many pill formulations you could try:
http://contraception.about.com/od/thepil…
If you're on a triphasic pill (one that varies the hormone levels), switching over to a monophasic one (steady dose of hormones) could make a big difference in regulating your mood swings. I liked Yasmin a lot better than Ortho Tri-Cyclen.
You could also try NuvaRing, a ring you insert vaginally once per cycle. It exposes you to a lower level of hormones.
If you really prefer condoms, though, and your guy can't handle using them, perhaps it'd be better to switch boyfriends, rather than your birth control method. If he consistently puts himself first like this, he's not mature enough for sex anyway, and you deserve better.
All the best to you.
PILL, you have other options. There are many pill formulations you could try:
http://contraception.about.com/od/thepil…
If you're on a triphasic pill (one that varies the hormone levels), switching over to a monophasic one (steady dose of hormones) could make a big difference in regulating your mood swings. I liked Yasmin a lot better than Ortho Tri-Cyclen.
You could also try NuvaRing, a ring you insert vaginally once per cycle. It exposes you to a lower level of hormones.
If you really prefer condoms, though, and your guy can't handle using them, perhaps it'd be better to switch boyfriends, rather than your birth control method. If he consistently puts himself first like this, he's not mature enough for sex anyway, and you deserve better.
All the best to you.
48
Especially as a young gay guy who's seen WAY too many of his peers get HIV because of the recent vogue for barebacking (not to mention the stupidity of gay orgs that try to make HIV sound like "no big deal" so that people don't get depressed), you have GOT to just lay it out for PILL -- CONDOMS OR NOTHING. I mean, pregnancy is probably one of the LEAST awful outcomes of unprotected sex... I mean, maybe it's a risk you want to take when you've grown up, and you feel you really trust someone, and can hunt them down and kill them if they infect you with something... but fer chrissakes, if you're 17 and fucking without a condom, gay or straight, you're a fucking moron.
49
About the "dumb bitch" thing. I agree that Perez should have not said it, but mostly just because it is important for the good guys to keep things civil in this debate and he didn't help proponents of gay marriage with that response. The thing that bothers me is that people persist in saying that this is all about the opinion she expressed and not the quality of her delivery. When you listen to what she said, and ignore the fact that she is talking about a controversial subject, you realize that she truly is dumb. Her response made no more sense than the response that Miss SC was made fun of for not so long ago.
Just as one example in the sea of stupidity that was her response (and this was repeated above by someone): no one has the right to "choose between same sex and opposite sex marriage" in this country. No one is out there seeking to choose between the two. There are states where gays can marry and there are states where they are prohibited from doing so. There is no choice involved for gays in the prohibiting states, because if they cannot "same sex marry" they are certainly not going to "opposite sex marry".
Just as one example in the sea of stupidity that was her response (and this was repeated above by someone): no one has the right to "choose between same sex and opposite sex marriage" in this country. No one is out there seeking to choose between the two. There are states where gays can marry and there are states where they are prohibited from doing so. There is no choice involved for gays in the prohibiting states, because if they cannot "same sex marry" they are certainly not going to "opposite sex marry".
50
I firmly support gay marriage and think that Miss CA is a dumb bitch, but Perez really should not have asked this question in a tits and ass contest. This is the type of question to ask a presidential or congressional candidate, not a national bimbo contestant. Everybody knows you should not let the contestants be aware that they are answering gotcha questions. He should have stuck to "traditional pageant questions" like how she can use her fake tits and tiara to alleviate poverty and hunger, or better yet global warming. I would have loved to have seen her spew her religious views on "traditional climatology."
51
Well put, DaveNYC!
I seem to remember a while ago Dan said something along the lines of "guys who consider non-penetrative sex to be "real sex" have a lot more sex!" (I paraphrase wildly) - and not just because they consider all that other enjoyable stuff to be sex...
Guys who get their dicks used to condoms early will also get to put them more places, more often.
I seem to remember a while ago Dan said something along the lines of "guys who consider non-penetrative sex to be "real sex" have a lot more sex!" (I paraphrase wildly) - and not just because they consider all that other enjoyable stuff to be sex...
Guys who get their dicks used to condoms early will also get to put them more places, more often.
52
Sorry Dan & other who like the idea or suppor or participate in "open relationship" but I do not hink you can be "intimate & fully committed to more than one parner, or be committed to one partner & have sex with others" -- that is total bullshit whether you are gay or straigt. Want to fuck around with lots of people - stay single. The rest of the crap is just someone's self-lie to make them not feel like a piece of shit for cheating or hurting someone they are "fully committed" to. How can a person person be "fully committed" & be having sex with others?????
53
First of all, no there isnt a pill out there for everyone. I wish people would stop saything that. I wish Doctors would stop saying that. The pill, even Yaz, makes me serverly depressed and its listed as a side effect! Dammit! Im not insane!
Secondly.
PILL, sweetie, tell him to suck it the fuck up. Wear a rubber. or only handjobs for him. Last thing you need is the clap, HIV, or god knows what. Its someting like 1 in 3 people under 25 have had an std?
Secondly.
PILL, sweetie, tell him to suck it the fuck up. Wear a rubber. or only handjobs for him. Last thing you need is the clap, HIV, or god knows what. Its someting like 1 in 3 people under 25 have had an std?
55
@ Shady Waffle and other pill proponents:
Just because you found a pill that worked for you and that you're happy with doesn't mean that everyone can! I struggled for years to find a pill that didn't make me psychotic and finally decided that fucking with my hormones is just not worth it, not to mention the problems that it can cause down the road with hormone imbalances and other problems.
And as for the supposedly "safe" non-hormonal copper IUD, well I tried that THIS year after the birth of my first child, and I was one of the small minority if people who got punctured by the IUD. My healthcare providers were really concerned because this is apparently so rare and they hadn't had it happen before, but I can say that it REALLY sucked! I am still healing up nearly a month later. Having a piece of metal puncture your uturus is no picnic.
And I am not a big fan of condoms either, but I think that when you're teenager hellbent on vaginal intercourse then they're really the way to go. Find a decent lube that works. And find out why the boyfriend doesn't like them and what he needs to make 'em okay.
BTW, Dan's right. Dumb bitch. I am happy with my "opposite marriage" and yet I am angry every day that my gay friends can't marry the people they love. Especially the gay parents of some of my friends: people who have been in committed homosexual relationships longer than I have been alive!
Just because you found a pill that worked for you and that you're happy with doesn't mean that everyone can! I struggled for years to find a pill that didn't make me psychotic and finally decided that fucking with my hormones is just not worth it, not to mention the problems that it can cause down the road with hormone imbalances and other problems.
And as for the supposedly "safe" non-hormonal copper IUD, well I tried that THIS year after the birth of my first child, and I was one of the small minority if people who got punctured by the IUD. My healthcare providers were really concerned because this is apparently so rare and they hadn't had it happen before, but I can say that it REALLY sucked! I am still healing up nearly a month later. Having a piece of metal puncture your uturus is no picnic.
And I am not a big fan of condoms either, but I think that when you're teenager hellbent on vaginal intercourse then they're really the way to go. Find a decent lube that works. And find out why the boyfriend doesn't like them and what he needs to make 'em okay.
BTW, Dan's right. Dumb bitch. I am happy with my "opposite marriage" and yet I am angry every day that my gay friends can't marry the people they love. Especially the gay parents of some of my friends: people who have been in committed homosexual relationships longer than I have been alive!
56
Every pill affects every woman differently. There's no way to tell whether a certain kind of HBC pill will give you negative side effects or not. The only way to figure out which pill brand works for you is to try a few different kinds.
@20-22, it's great that you had such a good experience, but you can't extrapolate your reaction to every other woman's reaction. PILL could take the exact same brand (spelled Yasmin, btw), and react with migraines and manic-depressive mood swings. There's no way for her to know without going back to the gyno and getting a different script to try - which, as another commenter pointed out, can be cost-prohibitive for a teenager. Many women can only afford the cheapest, generic pill brand carried by their school health center or by their nearest Planned Parenthood.
@20-22, it's great that you had such a good experience, but you can't extrapolate your reaction to every other woman's reaction. PILL could take the exact same brand (spelled Yasmin, btw), and react with migraines and manic-depressive mood swings. There's no way for her to know without going back to the gyno and getting a different script to try - which, as another commenter pointed out, can be cost-prohibitive for a teenager. Many women can only afford the cheapest, generic pill brand carried by their school health center or by their nearest Planned Parenthood.
57
I agree...IUDs are a bad idea for teens. They're less likely to get tested for STIs, and just one can cause a major intrauterine infection that can lead to infertility if one is acquired while using an IUD. It happened to me. Thankfully I'm still fertile.
I don't like the Pill, so my fiance and I use lambskins. They're perfect for pregnancy prevention, but should only be used in monogamy since they're porous and don't protect against STIs. They're expensive, but a hell of a lot less expensive than a kid.
I don't like the Pill, so my fiance and I use lambskins. They're perfect for pregnancy prevention, but should only be used in monogamy since they're porous and don't protect against STIs. They're expensive, but a hell of a lot less expensive than a kid.
58
I agree--PILL needs to tell her BF to suck it up.
When I was coming out, my parents were all "be careful of HIV." I pointed out that they should be worried about my sister--because it struck me that straight teens are far more worried about pregnancy than they are about gay sex. And that's only 1/2 of the equation.
But then, I was reading over on Fleshbot that in straight porn, not a lot of condom use goes on. I was quite "WFT??" Most mainstream gay porn has condoms, and bareback porn sort of has a "ooh this is wrong" thrill to it. Is that maybe a straight thing--that the man shouldn't be forced to wear a condom? A power thing?
Because if it is, then it totally makes sense to me that PILL might consider it acceptable to be on the pill without making her BF wear a condom.
When I was coming out, my parents were all "be careful of HIV." I pointed out that they should be worried about my sister--because it struck me that straight teens are far more worried about pregnancy than they are about gay sex. And that's only 1/2 of the equation.
But then, I was reading over on Fleshbot that in straight porn, not a lot of condom use goes on. I was quite "WFT??" Most mainstream gay porn has condoms, and bareback porn sort of has a "ooh this is wrong" thrill to it. Is that maybe a straight thing--that the man shouldn't be forced to wear a condom? A power thing?
Because if it is, then it totally makes sense to me that PILL might consider it acceptable to be on the pill without making her BF wear a condom.
59
Ms California is not just a dumb bitch, she's a dumb LYING bitch, and now she's being backed by Donald Trump, who claims that her trashy teenage soft core porn shots were "very beautiful." They're both idiots.
60
Yes, Kiki. The female condom is a real alternative. Some of us guys really can't feel anything through a male condom. Female condoms feel great. The FC2 is due out this fall and should bring the price down.
Dan, You should recommend the FC every chance you get.
Oh, and I wish the FDA would go ahead and approve them for anal sex.
Dan, You should recommend the FC every chance you get.
Oh, and I wish the FDA would go ahead and approve them for anal sex.
61
PILL,
My long term monogamous boyfriend and I have been on a veritable birth control roller coaster in the two years that we've been dating: I was on the pill, I switched to another pill, and then another. My doctor took me OFF the pill for medical reasons and we had a dangerous summer without any birth control at all, then I got an IUD (intra uterine device) in November (which has been it's own special hell.)
Through all of this my BF has been supportive, but he "doesn't like" condoms either and so the problems of controlling birth have all landed squarely in my court. Suffice it to say the balance of power is drastically askew and I've accidentally absolved him of any reproductive responsibility by accommodating his distaste for condoms so readily.
My best advice to you is to remain assertive about your body, and your sex life. Remind him that it takes two, and that you'll gladly share responsibility equally, whether that means wearing condoms, rides to and from the doctors office, help paying for whatever contraception you two decide on, and support and understanding for whatever transitions you go through once those decisions go into effect.
Even if/when you two break up, being a good advocate your yourself will serve you well for years to come, so start now and build those skills early. Good luck!!
My long term monogamous boyfriend and I have been on a veritable birth control roller coaster in the two years that we've been dating: I was on the pill, I switched to another pill, and then another. My doctor took me OFF the pill for medical reasons and we had a dangerous summer without any birth control at all, then I got an IUD (intra uterine device) in November (which has been it's own special hell.)
Through all of this my BF has been supportive, but he "doesn't like" condoms either and so the problems of controlling birth have all landed squarely in my court. Suffice it to say the balance of power is drastically askew and I've accidentally absolved him of any reproductive responsibility by accommodating his distaste for condoms so readily.
My best advice to you is to remain assertive about your body, and your sex life. Remind him that it takes two, and that you'll gladly share responsibility equally, whether that means wearing condoms, rides to and from the doctors office, help paying for whatever contraception you two decide on, and support and understanding for whatever transitions you go through once those decisions go into effect.
Even if/when you two break up, being a good advocate your yourself will serve you well for years to come, so start now and build those skills early. Good luck!!
62
Yes, Kiki. The female condom is a real alternative. Some of us guys really can't feel anything through a male condom. Female condoms feel great. The FC2 is due out this fall and should bring the price down.
Dan, You should recommend the FC every chance you get.
Oh, and I wish the FDA would go ahead and approve them for anal sex.
Dan, You should recommend the FC every chance you get.
Oh, and I wish the FDA would go ahead and approve them for anal sex.
63
I may be projecting, but I wonder if LD and her hubby are struggling with her husband being attracted to men. If that is the case I hope they find a therapist that can help (unlikely). My husband and I have been married over 20 years and around year 2 I figured out he more attracted to men than women. I confronted him and he admitted that was indeed the case. We talked, saw a therapist(not helpful at all), talked some more, cried, talked and then came to a place of peace, but it took a few years. We realized we still loved each other and wanted to be together. We have a good sex life together but both have sexual needs that the other cannot meet. He loves an occasional dick, I love fucking a man that truly enjoys how a pussy looks, tastes and smells. So we basically practice "Don't ask, don't tell, don't get caught" (and don't bring any nasty diseases home). Our solution may not work for everyone, but it works wonderfully for us. Good Luck, LD.
64
I'm sick of whiners who are "allergic" to contraception. Get over it and get on a method or you'll be pregnant. Or are you looking for an excuse to get knocked up?
65
To find a sensible therapist, try searching for "kink-friendly professionals," or variations thereof in your area. Even if open marriages don't strike most of us as particularly kinky, (as compared to, say Master/slave relationships, people with hardcore pain and body mod fetishes, etc.) someone who is kink-aware is likely also poly-aware and open-aware. I've been lucky with this in my area (granted, San Francisco, but still. Weirdos are everywhere, thank heavens.)
66
Why don't *you* wrap it up and quit whining, spokalou? Or how 'bout pump your OWN precious body full of chemicals for 30 years. Before you mouth off on people who actually have DONE it.
67
HPV is can still be contracted when using condoms and the pill - as I experienced when being a dumb teenager over 10 years ago. Getting a painful warts on your vagina or penis like on your finger is a huge kinda a put off to some of the teenagers I know now... more than a baby. WTF?
68
I agree with you advice to "Life Decisions." It is totally possible to have an open relationship. Couples have zero obligation to maintain monogamy. Your obligation to your relationship trumps any obligation to arbitrary the standards set by society.
Try to find a therapist who does not feel that their job is to uphold traditional values. There are many out there who will work with you and validate a couple's choice to try an open relationship or other no traditional approaches to life.
The best thing is to interview a counselor before you hire them and ask them how they view questions like this.
It is possible that "Life Decision's" therapist got burned by an ex partner or spouse and is not able to look objectivly at this situation.
Try to find a therapist who does not feel that their job is to uphold traditional values. There are many out there who will work with you and validate a couple's choice to try an open relationship or other no traditional approaches to life.
The best thing is to interview a counselor before you hire them and ask them how they view questions like this.
It is possible that "Life Decision's" therapist got burned by an ex partner or spouse and is not able to look objectivly at this situation.
69
Dan, you forgot about IUDs! If the pill makes you crazy and you are not fond of condoms, it is your best bet. IUDs are available at Seattle school-based teen health centers, all Planned Parenthood clinics, and just about any gynecologist's office and are:
-hormone free (or have a dose of hormone so low that you do not get systemic side effects.)
-easy to use and impossible to screw up- after insertion, you're good to go for 5+ years, no pill remembering or patch changing required, just check the strings monthly.
-safer and have fewer side effects than the pill- IUDs got a bad name in the 50s with the Dalcon Shield, but they are back and reengineered and are not your mom's IUD.
-for everyone- IUDs are NOT only for women who have had a baby, as their stupid and outdated PR may suggest. IUDs can be used by women who have never been pregnant.
-the most effective birth control on the planet.
-free for women who qualify for Take Charge (in Washington state)
But like the pill/patch/ring, they do not protect against STIs.
More info at:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…
http://fortress.wa.gov/dshs/maa/FamilyPl…
Thanks, Dan- hope next time you'll give IUDs a shout out.
-hormone free (or have a dose of hormone so low that you do not get systemic side effects.)
-easy to use and impossible to screw up- after insertion, you're good to go for 5+ years, no pill remembering or patch changing required, just check the strings monthly.
-safer and have fewer side effects than the pill- IUDs got a bad name in the 50s with the Dalcon Shield, but they are back and reengineered and are not your mom's IUD.
-for everyone- IUDs are NOT only for women who have had a baby, as their stupid and outdated PR may suggest. IUDs can be used by women who have never been pregnant.
-the most effective birth control on the planet.
-free for women who qualify for Take Charge (in Washington state)
But like the pill/patch/ring, they do not protect against STIs.
More info at:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…
http://fortress.wa.gov/dshs/maa/FamilyPl…
Thanks, Dan- hope next time you'll give IUDs a shout out.
70
PILL your boyfriend is 16. SIXTEEN. This is your moment to put your foot down and insist he use a condom with intercourse, and if you're smart you will stay on the pill too in case of "accidents".
If you allow him to be selfish on the condom issue you are doing yourself and every woman he will ever be with in the future a great disservice. Teach him now that selfish irresponsible jerks don't get laid. Thanks.
If you allow him to be selfish on the condom issue you are doing yourself and every woman he will ever be with in the future a great disservice. Teach him now that selfish irresponsible jerks don't get laid. Thanks.
71
The big problem with gay marriage the way i see it is that marriage was originally a religious institution that later (in this country) became a governmental one. Churches should have the right to refuse to marry gays if they see fit. Churches and religions don't have to be all-inclusive and nor should they be. The solution that makes sense to me is get rid of "marriage" as a legal concept and apply the rights and benefits that married couples have to "unions". Then you can let marriage be solely a religious matter and let unions be solely a legal matter. Then all the queers can have the same rights under the law (that is the crux of the argument right?) and the straights can have a separate religious marriage. Of course it would be up to individual churches and religions to decide if they would want to allow gays to marry in their institutions or not.
72
There is a legitimate excuse for a 16 y/o boy to "not like condoms" to the point of not having to wear one: if he is allergic to latex. However, that only excuses him from wearing latex condoms.
The female condom is a non latex alternative. There are male condoms made without latex, but they have a lower effectiveness against STIs and/or break more easily, depending on the material.
PILL- at your ages, you should absolutely require that he take on some of the burden of contraception and infection prevention. Yes, a condom can reduce sensation for a guy, but a thin condom, especially at 16yrs old, and some practice can make condoms a very workable option for him. If he won't cover it, don't let him stick it in you. Go find a sex partner that respects you!
The female condom is a non latex alternative. There are male condoms made without latex, but they have a lower effectiveness against STIs and/or break more easily, depending on the material.
PILL- at your ages, you should absolutely require that he take on some of the burden of contraception and infection prevention. Yes, a condom can reduce sensation for a guy, but a thin condom, especially at 16yrs old, and some practice can make condoms a very workable option for him. If he won't cover it, don't let him stick it in you. Go find a sex partner that respects you!
73
PILL, darling, stand up for yourself. There will come a time in your life (probably around age 28) when you'll be gettin' all hot and steamy with a guy and you won't even have to ask, he'll just put it on without any prompting. It will occur to you at this moment that all those dudes before, who you had to remind and cajole and blackmail and regularly check up on mid-act, were stupid babies. If a man in his late 30's, who's had lots of sex in his life (even without a condom, courtesy of a marriage along the way), can "feel something" through a condom, a 16-year-old getting it on for the first time either can or will learn to. If he has issues with latex, there are alternatives out there (and not just lambskin, which has been analyzed above); if he has issues nonoxinol-9 (sp?), there are alternatives out there; if he has issues with the thickness, there are alternatives out there...whatever his issue, there is a way around it. Condoms are the absolute bestest idea for anyone who's not in a monogamous, committed LTR, and even for those who are who are veryscared (or should be) of the baby (which is or should be the case for EVERY teenager, and most 20-somethings), or has any, remote, possible, minute, tiny inkling that there might be something they don't know (which is possible even with a wonderful, committed LTR, as sometimes, the STD screenings show a false negative). Take the advice of someone in a wonderful, committed LTR, who could afford a baby (and is still scared as hell of it), and who has absolutely no shred of evidence - after much research to find out if there is any - that anything is wrong, and still wraps the damn thing up, just in case...
74
PILL:
I have a close gal-friend who is the proud mother of a 18 year old girl. She's a tough chick who grew up on the streets of New Orleans and is about as REAL as it gets. She has a great relationship with her daughter and HER advice to her daughter concerning condoms is this: "If a boy tells you he won't wear a condom and tries to pressure you to have sex without one, DON'T GIVE IN!!! HE'S LYING! Call his bluff, tell him its the condom or nothing, and watch him FOLD! Remember that you always have him in the palm of your hand because you have what he wants." This teenager is a smart girl and has yet to become preggers.
I have a close gal-friend who is the proud mother of a 18 year old girl. She's a tough chick who grew up on the streets of New Orleans and is about as REAL as it gets. She has a great relationship with her daughter and HER advice to her daughter concerning condoms is this: "If a boy tells you he won't wear a condom and tries to pressure you to have sex without one, DON'T GIVE IN!!! HE'S LYING! Call his bluff, tell him its the condom or nothing, and watch him FOLD! Remember that you always have him in the palm of your hand because you have what he wants." This teenager is a smart girl and has yet to become preggers.
76
@16 @72: have you looked at the 1-year pregnancy rate for female condom users? pull-out works about as well.
77
PILL - You need to find out more about his religious beliefs. For many Catholics, NO form of pre-marital sex is okay including masturbation. If his Catholicism is the reason for his refusal to wear a condom, but he's willing to have sex, I suspect he's picking and choosing which religious doctrine to abide by. Perhaps a conversation with his priest is in order.
As to the IUD question, I got a copper 7 IUD when I was 17 in 1983. I had the horrific cramps and bleeding some have described above. I had to wear a diaper to bed or else it would look like someone was murdered there. I ended up with a staph infection it took over 3 years to kick, severe damage to my tubes (I ended up having both of them removed), and infertile. Oh! And herpes because I didn't think I "needed" to use a condom.
Please don't put your future ability to have children at risk. No responsible OB/GYN would allow that method of birth control to anyone who might want to have children in the future.
As to the IUD question, I got a copper 7 IUD when I was 17 in 1983. I had the horrific cramps and bleeding some have described above. I had to wear a diaper to bed or else it would look like someone was murdered there. I ended up with a staph infection it took over 3 years to kick, severe damage to my tubes (I ended up having both of them removed), and infertile. Oh! And herpes because I didn't think I "needed" to use a condom.
Please don't put your future ability to have children at risk. No responsible OB/GYN would allow that method of birth control to anyone who might want to have children in the future.
78
I'm just wondering how it's possible for a woman to get pregnant from anal intercourse. As far as all my anatomy text books are concerned, the rectum and the vagina are not connected. Could someone please explain this to me?
79
I 'm a little confused as to how a woman could get pregnant from anal intercourse. According to all my anatomy text books, the vagina and rectum are not connected. Could someone please explain this to me?
80
@79 - the theory is cum leaks out of the anus and onto the vulva and the Olympic swimmers in the crew make it up to the Fallopian tubes where they fertilize an egg. Not likely, but possible.
81
Once again, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head, (so many sexual puns) Thank you Mr. Dan for voicing the truth simply and clearly. I miss Seattle.
83
@ PILL - I agree with #61. Sex is a two person act and if your boyfriend isn't willing to help prevent the consequences of that act, he should just stick to the one person act for a while.
I'm a medical professional and I'm disheartened that I'm the first one to mention another non-hormonal, non-permanent method: the diaphragm! There are several different kinds available, and the best online resource is http://www.cervicalbarriers.org/
Also, a few other things:
1) YES, you CAN get pregnant from unprotected anal sex. Not because the semen goes into the vagina during penetration, but because semen can get into the vagina before insertion (pre-cum, anyone?) or after ejaculation. While it's a lot less likely than unprotected vaginal sex, it is still possible.
2) All methods of birth control have risks, and no method is perfect for everyone. Condoms can cause allergic skin reactions, the pill can cause blood clotting problems, the IUD can cause tears in the uterus, etc. All of these are very rare occurrences, but I have to say it's never a bad idea to go talk to a doctor, nurse practitioner, or physician's assistant who you feel comfortable with. They can help figure out if you're at higher risk for one of the above events, and can help you discuss benefits and downsides of each method. Some providers may try to push you to use something you don't want to use, so if that's the case, go find another GYN! It's your body!
Good luck PILL, and make your boyfriend be involved in this process, regardless of what decision you make.
I'm a medical professional and I'm disheartened that I'm the first one to mention another non-hormonal, non-permanent method: the diaphragm! There are several different kinds available, and the best online resource is http://www.cervicalbarriers.org/
Also, a few other things:
1) YES, you CAN get pregnant from unprotected anal sex. Not because the semen goes into the vagina during penetration, but because semen can get into the vagina before insertion (pre-cum, anyone?) or after ejaculation. While it's a lot less likely than unprotected vaginal sex, it is still possible.
2) All methods of birth control have risks, and no method is perfect for everyone. Condoms can cause allergic skin reactions, the pill can cause blood clotting problems, the IUD can cause tears in the uterus, etc. All of these are very rare occurrences, but I have to say it's never a bad idea to go talk to a doctor, nurse practitioner, or physician's assistant who you feel comfortable with. They can help figure out if you're at higher risk for one of the above events, and can help you discuss benefits and downsides of each method. Some providers may try to push you to use something you don't want to use, so if that's the case, go find another GYN! It's your body!
Good luck PILL, and make your boyfriend be involved in this process, regardless of what decision you make.
85
@77 and others,
Sorry that you had bad experiences with IUDs. However, those experiences (especially yours, 77) are over 30 years old. Things change.
Do IUDs work for everyone? No, especially if you're non-monogamous. Do placement problems occur? They can, and if your doctor didn't tell you about that, then it's on your doctor, not the IUD. That said, there is some risk in everything, but most issues with copper IUDs occur within 30 days of placement. Get that far and you're in for up to 10 years of reversible birth control without problems provided you don't get STIs in the interim. STIs that you can get just as easily while taking the pill.
Ibuprofen and possibly taking the pill for 3 months following insertion of an IUD will dramatically lessen the heavier periods that can occur. If you're used to pill-driven pseudo-periods, once you get an IUD, periods will seem heavier because they are real.
Oh, and the whole "get an IUD after having kids" thing? That's just because it's easier (and less painful) to dilate a cervix to 5mm after it's already been stretched to 10cm+ by a kid. I was/am nulliparous when my IUD was placed. The worst bit of the placement was the uterine sounding precisely because of my unstretched cervix. I think it was totally worth it for the years of monogamous condomless sex my husband and I are getting out of it. As always, individual mileage may vary.
But seriously, PILL, use something other than prayer as birth control.
Sorry that you had bad experiences with IUDs. However, those experiences (especially yours, 77) are over 30 years old. Things change.
Do IUDs work for everyone? No, especially if you're non-monogamous. Do placement problems occur? They can, and if your doctor didn't tell you about that, then it's on your doctor, not the IUD. That said, there is some risk in everything, but most issues with copper IUDs occur within 30 days of placement. Get that far and you're in for up to 10 years of reversible birth control without problems provided you don't get STIs in the interim. STIs that you can get just as easily while taking the pill.
Ibuprofen and possibly taking the pill for 3 months following insertion of an IUD will dramatically lessen the heavier periods that can occur. If you're used to pill-driven pseudo-periods, once you get an IUD, periods will seem heavier because they are real.
Oh, and the whole "get an IUD after having kids" thing? That's just because it's easier (and less painful) to dilate a cervix to 5mm after it's already been stretched to 10cm+ by a kid. I was/am nulliparous when my IUD was placed. The worst bit of the placement was the uterine sounding precisely because of my unstretched cervix. I think it was totally worth it for the years of monogamous condomless sex my husband and I are getting out of it. As always, individual mileage may vary.
But seriously, PILL, use something other than prayer as birth control.
86
because of epilepsy, I was not permitted to use the pill. At 20, I received my first IUD which stayed in place until 3 years after I was married. No harm done, the pill is not the answer for everyone.
87
Good advice for LD, but it kinda felt like "you're getting bad advice, go somewhere else for it". I think you let LD down, Dan: she's ALREADY gone somewhere else for advice, and it was your column. Sure, tell her to ditch her therapist already (DTMFT?), but there's an underlying problem.
Is hubby Bi? Poly? Sub? Whatever the issue, the poly community probably has the best answer for her. Open, honest communication between two (or more!) people who want the best for each other. Fuck societal norms, work out what will make YOU happy, as a couple. If there are communication problems, a therapist can help, but you might not even need one once you realise you can sit down together and turn your conservative monogamous marriage into whatever you want it to be!
Ultimately, a strong, loving couple should be able to sit down, talk about what they each want, and compromise. LD needs to not forget her own needs while accomodating her hubby. Feeling insecure? Jealous? Not bringing up her own kink because she thinks it's even weirder? Make sure the accomodating goes both ways. The insecurity one can be tough, and again, LD should look to some of the resources in the polyamory community for help. There are some great forums, blogs, and other resources available to suggest ways to embrace the poly lifestyle, and the tips should apply to just about whatever other lifestyle situation you two find yourselves in.
Also, on the topic of the asshole therapist. It sounds like you guys were on the right track already (you discussed opening your marriage), but your therapist shot that down (STOP COMMUNICATING WITH EACH OTHER! CONFORM TO SOCIETY'S EXPECTATIONS!). Therapists who screw up like this need to go back to therapy school. It sounds like this therapist was busy trying to make you fit a particular mould, rather than helping you deal with a problem.
So I guess I want it both ways, Dan. You shoulda given LD more advice, and played down the therapy thing; and Dan, you REALLY should have come down much harder on the therapist: people like this are out there ruining everybody's fun.
More...
Is hubby Bi? Poly? Sub? Whatever the issue, the poly community probably has the best answer for her. Open, honest communication between two (or more!) people who want the best for each other. Fuck societal norms, work out what will make YOU happy, as a couple. If there are communication problems, a therapist can help, but you might not even need one once you realise you can sit down together and turn your conservative monogamous marriage into whatever you want it to be!
Ultimately, a strong, loving couple should be able to sit down, talk about what they each want, and compromise. LD needs to not forget her own needs while accomodating her hubby. Feeling insecure? Jealous? Not bringing up her own kink because she thinks it's even weirder? Make sure the accomodating goes both ways. The insecurity one can be tough, and again, LD should look to some of the resources in the polyamory community for help. There are some great forums, blogs, and other resources available to suggest ways to embrace the poly lifestyle, and the tips should apply to just about whatever other lifestyle situation you two find yourselves in.
Also, on the topic of the asshole therapist. It sounds like you guys were on the right track already (you discussed opening your marriage), but your therapist shot that down (STOP COMMUNICATING WITH EACH OTHER! CONFORM TO SOCIETY'S EXPECTATIONS!). Therapists who screw up like this need to go back to therapy school. It sounds like this therapist was busy trying to make you fit a particular mould, rather than helping you deal with a problem.
So I guess I want it both ways, Dan. You shoulda given LD more advice, and played down the therapy thing; and Dan, you REALLY should have come down much harder on the therapist: people like this are out there ruining everybody's fun.
88
I wouldn't worry too much about Carrie Prejean. Let her enjoy her 15 minutes. A year from now, she'll be the answer to a trivia question and no one will remember her. I suspect she may not even be employable after this episode, except by some rightwingnut spin machine, Christian dominionist think tank, or CBN. Oh wait, I guess at a think tank you actually have to think. Never mind, Carrie. Send Pat Robertson your résumé instead. He probably needs "news" reporters.
89
Its sad and depressing to see a vicious psycho like Perez Hilton being increasingly embraced publicly and given a platform by a lot of savvy media people who should know better.
90
To the pill pushers: I bought into taking the pill years ago, at the urging of my then-boyfriend and doctor. For my trouble, I got the lovely side effects of exhaustion, uneven facial skin tone, and hair loss (the latter of which lasted years after I stopped the pill.) So please do not pressure someone to take the pill after she has expressed reluctance to do so.
To PILL: I can imagine that it is an adjustment for a 16 year old boy to use a condom if he is not used to it. Tough: as several other posters have pointed out, the reality of STD's means protection in the form of a condom is mandatory. If he is not man enough to accept that, he is not ready for sex. You can do better, and you deserve better, than a wimp who is willing to risk his health and yours, so stand up for yourself: you won't regret doing so, believe me...good luck...
To PILL: I can imagine that it is an adjustment for a 16 year old boy to use a condom if he is not used to it. Tough: as several other posters have pointed out, the reality of STD's means protection in the form of a condom is mandatory. If he is not man enough to accept that, he is not ready for sex. You can do better, and you deserve better, than a wimp who is willing to risk his health and yours, so stand up for yourself: you won't regret doing so, believe me...good luck...
91
To # 71, even in those few states where gay marriage is legal, NO church or other religious institution is forced to marry gay people, or anyone else. If a church wants to perform marriages solely for white people, or Catholics, or members of their church, they can do that. When we disucss legalizing gay marriage, we are talking about civil marriage performed by the state. It has no affect whatsoever on religious institutions.
92
Dan,
Love the column, but I feel like it's become more of an outlet for your political commentary more than a sex column. I'd rather read questions that are chosen for a reason other than an excuse to discuss your political leanings.
Love the column, but I feel like it's become more of an outlet for your political commentary more than a sex column. I'd rather read questions that are chosen for a reason other than an excuse to discuss your political leanings.
93
I'm old (just to get it out there). When I became sexually active in my late teens (uhhh 30 years ago) I would have self-amputated a limb before I let myself get "accidentally" pregnant. Despite living in a rural community, having no sex ed, having parents that didn't talk, and an oppressive religious upbringing, I got myself to a clinic, got myself the pill, and TOOK IT EVERY DAY! Guess what? I didn't get pregnant. Really, not so tough.
94
@91 You missed my point totally. I'm saying that i would like "marriage" to be abolished as a legal instition and have it replaced by "unions". That would leave marriage as a soley a religious institution. Then straights could have marriage and gays could have equal protection under the law.
95
I tried several pills in my 20s. I can't even imagine what would have happened had I gone on any of them in my teens. Best case scenario – severe depression, probably fail school. Worst? Suicide, possibly murder.
Every single one I took screwed me up royally, including Yasmin and the Nuvaring. Constant bleeding, depression, lethargy. And my docs assured me nothing was wrong – just that those were typical side-effects (even 'acceptable,' according to some of them). They had me switch a few times before I realized I didn't have the fucking time to take a month or two off from reality.
I was always told that that's how long my body would take to adjust – oddly enough, I'm not sure my bosses would have accepted that as my reason for crying every single day. There's no non-maternity leave.
Knowing how I react to those, I would never, ever try a shot or hormonal IUD, and even a copper IUD... I can't risk it. I need something I can stop myself. Also, as many horror stories as I've heard about the pill (and there have been tons – it's insane how many women just feel they've got no choice but to 'put up with it'), I've heard more about Depo and Mirena.
So yay condoms and yay Plan B (I'd rather take that once or twice a year than a pill every day).
Every single one I took screwed me up royally, including Yasmin and the Nuvaring. Constant bleeding, depression, lethargy. And my docs assured me nothing was wrong – just that those were typical side-effects (even 'acceptable,' according to some of them). They had me switch a few times before I realized I didn't have the fucking time to take a month or two off from reality.
I was always told that that's how long my body would take to adjust – oddly enough, I'm not sure my bosses would have accepted that as my reason for crying every single day. There's no non-maternity leave.
Knowing how I react to those, I would never, ever try a shot or hormonal IUD, and even a copper IUD... I can't risk it. I need something I can stop myself. Also, as many horror stories as I've heard about the pill (and there have been tons – it's insane how many women just feel they've got no choice but to 'put up with it'), I've heard more about Depo and Mirena.
So yay condoms and yay Plan B (I'd rather take that once or twice a year than a pill every day).
96
@ 92 - Then go listen to Sue Johanson instead? :)
@ 52 - Just because *you* are not secure enough with your relationship to be able to have multiple partners does not mean that others are not. I am neither cheating on, nor hurting, anyone in either of my relationships by having a committed sexual and/or emotional relationship with them. There is open communication, love, trust, and respect; there is nothing unhealthy about that.
I second the opinion on finding a "kink-aware professional" counselor. I also think that it takes a remarkably secure person to step up to the plate and say "I can't give him what he needs, but I'll do what I can to see that he gets it." I applaud that.
I also second DaveNYC in saying that NO 17 year old should be having ANY type of sex without a latex or polyurethane condom! Ever. Fetuses can be aborted; AIDS, Hepatitis C, HPV, and Herpes cannot. There is absolutely NO reason for any boy (because real men know better) to say that he shouldn't have to wear a condom. A couple men that I've slept with (including my current partner) just never realized that the condoms they were using were too small, and so they just thought that they couldn't wear them... until I promptly went to the store and bought a box of Trojan Magnums (and Magnum XL in two of the cases, after the Magnums were still too tight to even go on) and demonstrated for them that condoms are not the problem.
Given a range of many different sizes and the option of the female condom, you should never let anyone convince you that condoms are not a must.
From the CDC:
"Young women, especially those of minority races or ethnicities, are increasingly at risk for HIV infection through heterosexual contact. ...the rate of HIV prevalence among young women aged 16–21 was 50% higher than the rate among young men in that age group"
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/factshe…
More...
@ 52 - Just because *you* are not secure enough with your relationship to be able to have multiple partners does not mean that others are not. I am neither cheating on, nor hurting, anyone in either of my relationships by having a committed sexual and/or emotional relationship with them. There is open communication, love, trust, and respect; there is nothing unhealthy about that.
I second the opinion on finding a "kink-aware professional" counselor. I also think that it takes a remarkably secure person to step up to the plate and say "I can't give him what he needs, but I'll do what I can to see that he gets it." I applaud that.
I also second DaveNYC in saying that NO 17 year old should be having ANY type of sex without a latex or polyurethane condom! Ever. Fetuses can be aborted; AIDS, Hepatitis C, HPV, and Herpes cannot. There is absolutely NO reason for any boy (because real men know better) to say that he shouldn't have to wear a condom. A couple men that I've slept with (including my current partner) just never realized that the condoms they were using were too small, and so they just thought that they couldn't wear them... until I promptly went to the store and bought a box of Trojan Magnums (and Magnum XL in two of the cases, after the Magnums were still too tight to even go on) and demonstrated for them that condoms are not the problem.
Given a range of many different sizes and the option of the female condom, you should never let anyone convince you that condoms are not a must.
From the CDC:
"Young women, especially those of minority races or ethnicities, are increasingly at risk for HIV infection through heterosexual contact. ...the rate of HIV prevalence among young women aged 16–21 was 50% higher than the rate among young men in that age group"
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/factshe…
97
Also, what the fuck is wrong with teenage boys? PRACTICE MASTURBATING WITH A CONDOM! If anything, you could use a little desensitization to last a little longer.
And teenage girls? STOP LETTING THEM PULL THAT SHIT!
And teenage girls? STOP LETTING THEM PULL THAT SHIT!
98
PILL, dump SL's advice, he's a GAY MAN. What you need to do is stand up to your lame-ass BF. Wearing a condom is not a big deal. If you don't want to end up pregnant, you need to get your game up and insist on wearing a condom each and every time you fuck your boyfriend. Not only will it offer you very good protection against unwanted pregnancy, it will protect you against many sexually transmitted diseases. If your BF refuses, you should respect yourself and DTMF. BTW, at sweet 16, the issue may be that you need to SHOW your boyfriend how to put a condom on. Take the initiative and protect yourself. And remember...no one who really cares about you will put your health or future at risk.
100
Dan RE: Pill, nicely said. I'm a dude, I jerked a few buddies and vice versa, poked a few sticky fingers, and dry humped until sparks flew. My dinkie's clean and I have no child support!! YAY
101
Great response re: Miss Calculating!
And while I agree with your response to PILL, and Bristol, I'm a little surprised you didn't tackle the issue of the bf's condomphobia. It may be too early for them to start having sex, and the 16-year-old's professed dislike of condoms may well be an excuse to avoid doing "it", but still he needs to know that, when he's ready for vaginal sex (and probably anal sex, too), Mr. Rubber is a friend to the both of them.
And while I agree with your response to PILL, and Bristol, I'm a little surprised you didn't tackle the issue of the bf's condomphobia. It may be too early for them to start having sex, and the 16-year-old's professed dislike of condoms may well be an excuse to avoid doing "it", but still he needs to know that, when he's ready for vaginal sex (and probably anal sex, too), Mr. Rubber is a friend to the both of them.
102
From a while back, concerning the use of the word "retarded". My son is mentally retarded and hearing that word as an insult makes me want to punch whoever said it. It is a valid medical term.
However, lots of words that used to be valid medical terms have gradually changed meanings. Words like "idiot", "moron", "imbecile", "dumb" and "lame" to name a few. I say these all the time and mean no offense. Maybe "retard" is becoming that way. But this gives rise to awkward PC terms like "mentally challanged", "differently abled", which sound silly to me.
We should keep our insults to things like "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" and not pervert valid medical terms.
So - FUCK YOU Dan! LOL!
However, lots of words that used to be valid medical terms have gradually changed meanings. Words like "idiot", "moron", "imbecile", "dumb" and "lame" to name a few. I say these all the time and mean no offense. Maybe "retard" is becoming that way. But this gives rise to awkward PC terms like "mentally challanged", "differently abled", which sound silly to me.
We should keep our insults to things like "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" and not pervert valid medical terms.
So - FUCK YOU Dan! LOL!
103
From a while back, concerning the use of the word "retarded". My son is mentally retarded and hearing that word as an insult makes me want to punch whoever said it. It is a valid medical term.
However, lots of words that used to be valid medical terms have gradually changed meanings. Words like "idiot", "moron", "imbecile", "dumb" and "lame" to name a few. I say these all the time and mean no offense. Maybe "retard" is becoming that way. But this gives rise to awkward PC terms like "mentally challanged", "differently abled", which sound silly to me.
We should keep our insults to things like "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" and not pervert valid medical terms.
So - FUCK YOU Dan! LOL!
However, lots of words that used to be valid medical terms have gradually changed meanings. Words like "idiot", "moron", "imbecile", "dumb" and "lame" to name a few. I say these all the time and mean no offense. Maybe "retard" is becoming that way. But this gives rise to awkward PC terms like "mentally challanged", "differently abled", which sound silly to me.
We should keep our insults to things like "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" and not pervert valid medical terms.
So - FUCK YOU Dan! LOL!
104
There isn't really any question that PILL's bf should wear a condom. I think that some of the comments have been a little harsh on him though.
I strongly suspect that the reason a nervous sixteen y/o boy doesn't like condoms is 1) he loses his erection while messing around trying to get the damn thing on or 2) after wanking with a death grip, a condom fails to provide sufficient sensation for him to stay hard during sex. Societal pressure to be amazing in bed will only be making this worse.
Obviously there are solutions to these problems. Like more practice with condoms, and less intense masturbation for example. But I would advise PILL to do the following things: 1) always insist her bf use a condom, and 2) do so in a patient and understanding manner.
I strongly suspect that the reason a nervous sixteen y/o boy doesn't like condoms is 1) he loses his erection while messing around trying to get the damn thing on or 2) after wanking with a death grip, a condom fails to provide sufficient sensation for him to stay hard during sex. Societal pressure to be amazing in bed will only be making this worse.
Obviously there are solutions to these problems. Like more practice with condoms, and less intense masturbation for example. But I would advise PILL to do the following things: 1) always insist her bf use a condom, and 2) do so in a patient and understanding manner.
105
Be careful with a diaphragm. I used one and it nearly killed me -- there's a one in 200,000 risk of toxic shock syndrome. This risk is real. No pregnancies, though!
106
Just a comment for "Life Decisions": take Dan's advice and look for another therapist. I've known many therapists, counselors, psychiatrists et al through my job and my own therapy work. Most of them tend to get into the business of helping others with their emotional issues because THEY have had serious emotional issues in their own life. Some of them are still working through their issues while helping others. My point is not to look at therapists as some kind of absolute authority on emotional or moral values. They are just human, each with his or her own unique personality. Keep looking until you find someone that 'clicks' with you.
107
PILL! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT!! my first boyfriend talked me into doing it without a condom. and guess what? first bloody PAP i had, turns out i got HPV from him. some forms are inivisible. also, a person can be contagious without showing signs. but let me tell you, it is REALLY hard to tell people that you want to sleep with that you MIGHT have an std. REALLY HARD. and it is horrifyingly easy to get one these days. take it from a girl who's been there.
WRAP IT UP OR YOU WILL REGRET IT ONE DAY!!!
i can promise you that.
WRAP IT UP OR YOU WILL REGRET IT ONE DAY!!!
i can promise you that.
108
Oh geez - why waste two seconds on a guy who puts his squeamishness ahead of your health? I understand young men (and young-old men) aren't always mature about this, but condoms aren't a sex lesson you can opt out of these days.
My boyfriend doesn't like condoms either, but he committed to getting used to them once we realized I shouldn't be taking ANY hormonal birth control due to regular aural migraines + family history of stroke. With this combo, hormones would increase stroke risk 2-3 times for me. Ladies, ask your doctor about this if you get migraines, because I was prescribed pills/nuvaring by several who did not check! (And as for IUD, I would if I could, but my uterus has been measured to be slightly too small... crap!)
Anyway - bottom line is that your priority at age 17 is to find what works for you. Your bf will learn to come just fine with condoms, and realize it's the least he can do in return for sex and your health. If he occasionally still has trouble, perhaps from jacking off too much lately to retain any sensitivity, there are many other ways to help. Have fun!
My boyfriend doesn't like condoms either, but he committed to getting used to them once we realized I shouldn't be taking ANY hormonal birth control due to regular aural migraines + family history of stroke. With this combo, hormones would increase stroke risk 2-3 times for me. Ladies, ask your doctor about this if you get migraines, because I was prescribed pills/nuvaring by several who did not check! (And as for IUD, I would if I could, but my uterus has been measured to be slightly too small... crap!)
Anyway - bottom line is that your priority at age 17 is to find what works for you. Your bf will learn to come just fine with condoms, and realize it's the least he can do in return for sex and your health. If he occasionally still has trouble, perhaps from jacking off too much lately to retain any sensitivity, there are many other ways to help. Have fun!
109
I'm surprised that no one on here has mentioned Fertility Awareness Method. No, not the "rhythm method" or "naturally family planning" but the highly effective form of birth control you can read about in Toni Weschler's "Taking Charge of your Fertility" Not that I would recommend it to someone as young as 16. I'd vote for outercourse at that age, but why are people always trying to say that condoms don't diminish sensation? Yes, they are cheap(ish), effective, and prevent many STDs, but they make intercourse half the fun. So yeah, condoms and are the solution for anything but an exclusive LTR between mature adults, but why kid people: they are not fun.
110
She IS a dumb bitch, no question about it. Add "fake" to that list and you've completely described our Miss California.
111
I would agree with most people that PILL and her bf should probably go with condoms. Two other options I haven't seen mentioned would be the contraceptive sponge (currently available for purchase on the internet) or spermicides. The effectiveness of either method is lower than most of the other methods but both are at least much better than the Bristol Palin method- wishful thinking and prayer.
But Geez...some people here are being awfully harsh on PILL's bf for disliking condoms. Many, perhaps most men, myself included, do not like condoms. Some people might find that they aren't a big issue and don't significantly affect the sensations. The vast majority of these people seem to be women. I successfully used a variety of condoms with and without lubes for years with a number of partners. Successful in terms of no unintended pregnancies but I frequently had a struggle to reach climax with one on. My best comparison for women- it's about like wearing latex gloves to cuddle with a newborn baby. Sure, you get the general sense of what's going on but the details and nuance are all gone. Better than not having sex at all, but not by much.
But Geez...some people here are being awfully harsh on PILL's bf for disliking condoms. Many, perhaps most men, myself included, do not like condoms. Some people might find that they aren't a big issue and don't significantly affect the sensations. The vast majority of these people seem to be women. I successfully used a variety of condoms with and without lubes for years with a number of partners. Successful in terms of no unintended pregnancies but I frequently had a struggle to reach climax with one on. My best comparison for women- it's about like wearing latex gloves to cuddle with a newborn baby. Sure, you get the general sense of what's going on but the details and nuance are all gone. Better than not having sex at all, but not by much.
112
@111: Yeah, I don't "like" taking medicinal contraception either (currently considering getting an IUD).
I do apologize for the curt way this is coming out, but plenty of women struggle to reach climax using a variety of methods. Wonder how that feels.
It's fantastic lots of couples can work out a compromise that works for both sides, but considering the cost (financial and physiological) of hormonal contraceptives and the punishment of unprotected sex, I think most people would shut their mouths and deal with "struggling" that can come with condoms. (Hell, I can't finish at all with intercourse -- condom or no condom.)
People are being harsh on PILL not because he dislikes condoms, but because he's basically putting all the burden of contraception on his girlfriend, and willing to risk her well-being for his own pleasure. What he thinks and what he feels *are* very important, but not next to her risking her health. That's not a good guy, whatever his preferences.
I do apologize for the curt way this is coming out, but plenty of women struggle to reach climax using a variety of methods. Wonder how that feels.
It's fantastic lots of couples can work out a compromise that works for both sides, but considering the cost (financial and physiological) of hormonal contraceptives and the punishment of unprotected sex, I think most people would shut their mouths and deal with "struggling" that can come with condoms. (Hell, I can't finish at all with intercourse -- condom or no condom.)
People are being harsh on PILL not because he dislikes condoms, but because he's basically putting all the burden of contraception on his girlfriend, and willing to risk her well-being for his own pleasure. What he thinks and what he feels *are* very important, but not next to her risking her health. That's not a good guy, whatever his preferences.
113
I'm tired of reading all of these comments about the boyfriend just sucking it up and using a condom because, hey, he'll learn to cum just fine with them. That's not always true. I've been a "mastubatory tool" for years because of the whole condom thing. I've never had much sensitivity in my penis and once you throw that condom on I have about zero. I can enjoy fucking my partner because of the joy that they are having, but I'm not going to get off no matter how long we fuck. However, I use the condoms when the situation calls for it. For their pleasure. This isn't a mental trip. It's a physical fact for me and the hundreds of times I've been someone's "dildo" hasn't changed that.
Unfortunately, it's often meant I have to fake an orgasm of my own and make sure my partner never sees the condom afterward. Too many people get hung up on the idea that you can't get off by fucking them. Then you have them feeling guilty or giving you guilt trips. When they can just accept that I can't get off with the condom, but that I'm still having fun then things go smoothly. That's when it can get really hot and nasty and all those other things that Dan talked about get thrown in to the equation.
Unfortunately, it's often meant I have to fake an orgasm of my own and make sure my partner never sees the condom afterward. Too many people get hung up on the idea that you can't get off by fucking them. Then you have them feeling guilty or giving you guilt trips. When they can just accept that I can't get off with the condom, but that I'm still having fun then things go smoothly. That's when it can get really hot and nasty and all those other things that Dan talked about get thrown in to the equation.
114
But I have it on good authority that abstinence rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd5cjOlv_…
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
115
But I have it on good authority that abstinence rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd5cjOlv_…
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
116
But I have it on good authority that abstinence rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd5cjOlv_…
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
117
But I have it on good authority that abstinence rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd5cjOlv_…
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
118
DAMN IT I reloaded the page like 5 times over 5 minutes to see if it had posted and it said it hadn't. What the hell. Apologies.
119
@64-- And I'm sick of people telling me I need to fill myself full of hormones even if I'm using condoms and/or an IUD. I'd rather have one or more abortions than live that way, so MYOFB.
120
There is one consideration with the IUD: as I found with my wife, in certain positions it becomes a bit uncomfortable, as in my dick scrapes against it. Not very pleasant. You just have to switch positions, but it's still not totally in the background. (As far as I know, we are both "normal" in terms of equipment, and she's been checked out by the OB-GYN and the IUD is seated properly.) Just FYI.
121
I've been with several men who couldn't cum with a condom on, but I never took it personally, he would usually just take the condom off and either I or he would jerk him off. I get a bonus cause I just like watching it happen!
122
Dan i really hope you retract your statement that anal sex cant get you pregnant. The liquids we secrete before sex aren't just there to lube us up. They're like a stretchy stringy rollercoaster ride for sperm (which is present in precome as well). I would hate to see a bunch of teens getting pregnant because of your advice. In this particular case the girl should just DTMFA on the basis that a) he should be happy he's even gettin some; and b) any guy who refuses to wear a condom doesn't respect you and is endangering your health.
123
@PILL
I too had an age difference in one of my relationships (bigger than yours and your boyfriend's) and my partner wasn't ready for full-on intercourse. So we didn't do it. We did lots of other things until he trusted me enough to attempt it, and since it wasn't so good for him the first time, we took it slow some more until we tried it again. On the other hand the non-intercourse sex I had with him was some of the best I've ever had! Dan gives lots of good suggestions but the main trick is to be creative, find your partner's erogenous zones and above all allow it to be intense, really get into the other person and let yourself be swept up in their reactions and make sure they do the same. Sex, at least good sex, is at least as much about the intense sharing of your body and emotions with someone else as it is about the specific physical thing you do in bed. For instance, SM, very intense, but not necessarily any kind of intercourse - not that I'm suggesting you try SM (unless you're into that sort of thing), it's just meant as an example of how things can get extremely intense without intercourse.
I too had an age difference in one of my relationships (bigger than yours and your boyfriend's) and my partner wasn't ready for full-on intercourse. So we didn't do it. We did lots of other things until he trusted me enough to attempt it, and since it wasn't so good for him the first time, we took it slow some more until we tried it again. On the other hand the non-intercourse sex I had with him was some of the best I've ever had! Dan gives lots of good suggestions but the main trick is to be creative, find your partner's erogenous zones and above all allow it to be intense, really get into the other person and let yourself be swept up in their reactions and make sure they do the same. Sex, at least good sex, is at least as much about the intense sharing of your body and emotions with someone else as it is about the specific physical thing you do in bed. For instance, SM, very intense, but not necessarily any kind of intercourse - not that I'm suggesting you try SM (unless you're into that sort of thing), it's just meant as an example of how things can get extremely intense without intercourse.
124
@113 You know, about 70% of women are never able to have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, so maybe you can invite the rest of us to your pity party. That's not the point though, because your case is pretty rare while teenage boys who expect their girlfriends to cater to them during sex are unfortunately rather common. All too many women had to deal with the experience of a guy not wanting to use a condom just because it feels slightly less good and then whining, cajoling, coercing her in hopes of having sex anyway. I won't be hard on this dude if he is fine with outercourse only as a result of not wanting to wear condoms, or if he legitimately can feel nothing while wearing one, but given only the small bit of information that "he doesn't like them" the commenters here went with what happens the majority of the time this conversation takes place.
And while we're in the realm of Things Teenage Boyfriends Tend To Do: 17-year-old ladies, don't let your boyfriends talk you into giving them BJs and never going down on you because he "doesn't like it" and don't let him get away with having an orgasm time and again while leaving you with none because "it's really hard" or "I'm sleepy now." I've heard all these stories from too many women and it's getting old.
And while we're in the realm of Things Teenage Boyfriends Tend To Do: 17-year-old ladies, don't let your boyfriends talk you into giving them BJs and never going down on you because he "doesn't like it" and don't let him get away with having an orgasm time and again while leaving you with none because "it's really hard" or "I'm sleepy now." I've heard all these stories from too many women and it's getting old.
125
@113 You know, about 70% of women are never able to have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, so maybe you can invite the rest of us to your pity party. That's not the point though, because your case is pretty rare while teenage boys who expect their girlfriends to cater to them during sex are unfortunately rather common. All too many women had to deal with the experience of a guy not wanting to use a condom just because it feels slightly less good and then whining, cajoling, coercing her in hopes of having sex anyway. I won't be hard on this dude if he is fine with outercourse only as a result of not wanting to wear condoms, or if he legitimately can feel nothing while wearing one, but given only the small bit of information that "he doesn't like them" the commenters here went with what happens the majority of the time this conversation takes place.
And while we're in the realm of Things Teenage Boyfriends Tend To Do: 17-year-old ladies, don't let your boyfriends talk you into giving them BJs and never going down on you because he "doesn't like it" and don't let him get away with having an orgasm time and again while leaving you with none because "it's really hard" or "I'm sleepy now." I've heard all these stories from too many women and it's getting old.
And while we're in the realm of Things Teenage Boyfriends Tend To Do: 17-year-old ladies, don't let your boyfriends talk you into giving them BJs and never going down on you because he "doesn't like it" and don't let him get away with having an orgasm time and again while leaving you with none because "it's really hard" or "I'm sleepy now." I've heard all these stories from too many women and it's getting old.
126
For PILL:
Different people have different hormonal levels, and different birth control pills have different hormonal levels. If the hormone level in the pill is incompatible with your personal hormone level, you may experience side effects. A pill with a more compatible hormone level will likely alleviate these side effects.
For example, I've had pills that reduce my sex drive and pills that increase my sex drive. I've had pills that give me acne and pills that cure my acne.
Go to your doctor or clinic, tell them which pills you've tried and what side effects they gave you, and see if they can prescribe you something better. I'd recommend trying at least three different formulations before writing off the entire method of birth control.
Different people have different hormonal levels, and different birth control pills have different hormonal levels. If the hormone level in the pill is incompatible with your personal hormone level, you may experience side effects. A pill with a more compatible hormone level will likely alleviate these side effects.
For example, I've had pills that reduce my sex drive and pills that increase my sex drive. I've had pills that give me acne and pills that cure my acne.
Go to your doctor or clinic, tell them which pills you've tried and what side effects they gave you, and see if they can prescribe you something better. I'd recommend trying at least three different formulations before writing off the entire method of birth control.
127
The Mirena IUD is used by many, many women in Europe; it secretes a very localized hormone so it doesn't make you into a nutcase. I've had one for eight years and -- after the first six weeks -- turned my ten-day periods into one-day periods. Very nice! No PMS! Nonstop libido! And THEN you combine it with a condom.
128
For LD: As a student finishing up my doctorate in psychology I have seen that the new generation of psychologists are much more informed about the roll of sex in relationship, polyamory, LGBT issues, and the open relationship. So maybe LD needs to see a younger therapist because I have found we tend to be more open minded, informed, and accepting than our middle aged+ colleagues. Basically, I want people to realize there are therapists that will help you make any type of healthy relationship work, you just have to meet your therapist match.
129
Here's a funny t-shirt, perfect for the faith-based abstinence is the only way crowd:
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/members/prod…
It says "How can someone argue abstinence is 100% effective when they worship a man born of a virgin?
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/members/prod…
It says "How can someone argue abstinence is 100% effective when they worship a man born of a virgin?
130
Here's a funny t-shirt, perfect for the faith-based abstinence is the only way crowd:
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/members/prod…
It says "How can someone argue abstinence is 100% effective when they worship a man born of a virgin?
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/members/prod…
It says "How can someone argue abstinence is 100% effective when they worship a man born of a virgin?
131
Dan the Man!!!
Once again, you score a direct bullseye on your advice to
LD, BOYS, and PILL!!
Miss CA, you truly ARE a dumb bitch!
Keep on rocking the house, Dan!
Once again, you score a direct bullseye on your advice to
LD, BOYS, and PILL!!
Miss CA, you truly ARE a dumb bitch!
Keep on rocking the house, Dan!
132
My advice to Pill.
Asking for sex help at 17 shows you're smarter than me and most of the population at 20 or 30. Dan's advice is amazing again this week. But there's more.
You and all teenagers should have a low cost plan B pill just in case. Have someone over 18 get it if your region still has that restriction. Volunteer for pro-choice groups if that is your side of things. I got one as part of a secret shopper to rat out evil pharmacists. When the condom broke, no drama, she took the pill and period came a bit early and a bit more heavy. But who really knows if the change was random or plan B related. Next period was average.
Sex can be totally wonderful with the right condom and lube. I'm a male and I love condoms. I've never had an STD and had 20 partners, some just for a night. No unintended pregnancy either. When I was younger the condom prevented me from premature ejac. On some occasions things dry up or go wrong, just take off the condom, get him hard again using one of the 4 hands in the room. He will never forget you telling him to come on your chest. He'll think of it every 5 minutes for the next 2 weeks and then taper off somewhat.
At 17 you should be able to go to a sex shop and buy a wide variety of condoms and wide variety of tiny lube packets. If not just send cash to good vibrations in SF. They have a student discount and I'm sure the staff person will cut you a break if you say you are a college student in a low income area with no access. Leave out your age FYI. Have the return address go somewhere safe if your parents don't approve.
I don't know why condoms don't come in a dual foil or plastic packet, condom on one side, lube on the other. You need both. Condom without lube is going to be very so-so to plain old awful for most couples.
Send a letter with cash to good vibrations asking for a low income starter pack with 2 of each condom and mini lube pack. You'll have a ton of fun. If your boyfriend does not like the idea Dump him asap. There are lots of other boys your age who meet your long and short term sexual and interpersonal needs and would die to serve you.
Good Vibrations
603 Valencia St
San Francisco, CA 94110
http://preview.tinyurl.com/goodvcondoms
my tops pics: Skinless Crown, Kimono Micro thin, lifestyles Skyn, Paradise Super Sensitive, Trojan Magnum, Trojan Magnum XL
lube: Liquid Silk, Astroglide
ps: I don't work at good vibes or have any connections to them.
More...
Asking for sex help at 17 shows you're smarter than me and most of the population at 20 or 30. Dan's advice is amazing again this week. But there's more.
You and all teenagers should have a low cost plan B pill just in case. Have someone over 18 get it if your region still has that restriction. Volunteer for pro-choice groups if that is your side of things. I got one as part of a secret shopper to rat out evil pharmacists. When the condom broke, no drama, she took the pill and period came a bit early and a bit more heavy. But who really knows if the change was random or plan B related. Next period was average.
Sex can be totally wonderful with the right condom and lube. I'm a male and I love condoms. I've never had an STD and had 20 partners, some just for a night. No unintended pregnancy either. When I was younger the condom prevented me from premature ejac. On some occasions things dry up or go wrong, just take off the condom, get him hard again using one of the 4 hands in the room. He will never forget you telling him to come on your chest. He'll think of it every 5 minutes for the next 2 weeks and then taper off somewhat.
At 17 you should be able to go to a sex shop and buy a wide variety of condoms and wide variety of tiny lube packets. If not just send cash to good vibrations in SF. They have a student discount and I'm sure the staff person will cut you a break if you say you are a college student in a low income area with no access. Leave out your age FYI. Have the return address go somewhere safe if your parents don't approve.
I don't know why condoms don't come in a dual foil or plastic packet, condom on one side, lube on the other. You need both. Condom without lube is going to be very so-so to plain old awful for most couples.
Send a letter with cash to good vibrations asking for a low income starter pack with 2 of each condom and mini lube pack. You'll have a ton of fun. If your boyfriend does not like the idea Dump him asap. There are lots of other boys your age who meet your long and short term sexual and interpersonal needs and would die to serve you.
Good Vibrations
603 Valencia St
San Francisco, CA 94110
http://preview.tinyurl.com/goodvcondoms
my tops pics: Skinless Crown, Kimono Micro thin, lifestyles Skyn, Paradise Super Sensitive, Trojan Magnum, Trojan Magnum XL
lube: Liquid Silk, Astroglide
ps: I don't work at good vibes or have any connections to them.
133
Personally I wish everyone would simply let the Miss California thing die a natural death - it simply isn't important or newsworthy. Of course Trump kept her, didn't he do exactly the same thing with a previous drunk title winner a few years back? The beauty pageant business has (thankfully) being tanking for the past 10 or so years and even with all of his money Trump couldn't possibly afford the publicity he is receiving for free via this stupid blonde. So of course, being the wise businessman he is, Trump is absolutely going to do whatever it takes to keep stoking the flames of this non-news story. I live in Ohio and received two robo-calls from Miss California requesting money and to collect signatures (for what we already have a law banning gay marriage in Ohio) for the wackos at the anti-gay hate group. I suggest that Miss CA give Anita Bryant a call and asked her what positive effect her battle of hatred had on her career and marriage back in the '70's - if you want to do tent revivals and backwoods barn raisings for the rest of your life then I guess you're on the right career path because I can assure you that wherever you go from here on out your audience will be outnumbered by gay supporters protesting your appearance.
134
Pill :
You're a teen - but believe me you'll encounter this kind of "problem" all your life. You don't have to ingest medication if it's wrong with you. Many women don't use the pill. I'm a 35yo female and I don't : no unwanted pregnancies.
You're both young. You don't want a baby now, you don't want STIs. A condom is the best solution. Don't use a UID : it's for women who already have had all the babies they wanted, it can jeopardize your fertility.
You'll do a good deed if you make the boyfriend use and like condoms. Because, for most of his life, he's gonna have to use a condom for sex - or else he'll end up with STIs and/or on Maury and/or like the Duggars. A guy, that won't put a condom on, and then complains he's been tricked when he has an unwanted kid, beggars belief. Let the boyfriend not become this kind of loser. If he insists on being one, DTMFA.
Try different condoms, play with them and lube, until you're both comfortable with it during outercourse. Don't rush to intercourse, explore your bodies first, you'll get much more pleasure from that (oral sex is great) than from a plain, stupid, botched intercourse. Believe me... years of boring intercourse until I met a guy that was more interested in me having pleasure than in him ejaculating inside me as soon as he could.
And #132 is totally right : get a plan B pill as a precaution. Sometimes the condom slips. As far as I know those pills are not contraceptive, if you're already pregnant it won't kill the egg. But if you're not yet pregnant, you won't be. I've used it twice. Early periods, that's all.
You're a teen - but believe me you'll encounter this kind of "problem" all your life. You don't have to ingest medication if it's wrong with you. Many women don't use the pill. I'm a 35yo female and I don't : no unwanted pregnancies.
You're both young. You don't want a baby now, you don't want STIs. A condom is the best solution. Don't use a UID : it's for women who already have had all the babies they wanted, it can jeopardize your fertility.
You'll do a good deed if you make the boyfriend use and like condoms. Because, for most of his life, he's gonna have to use a condom for sex - or else he'll end up with STIs and/or on Maury and/or like the Duggars. A guy, that won't put a condom on, and then complains he's been tricked when he has an unwanted kid, beggars belief. Let the boyfriend not become this kind of loser. If he insists on being one, DTMFA.
Try different condoms, play with them and lube, until you're both comfortable with it during outercourse. Don't rush to intercourse, explore your bodies first, you'll get much more pleasure from that (oral sex is great) than from a plain, stupid, botched intercourse. Believe me... years of boring intercourse until I met a guy that was more interested in me having pleasure than in him ejaculating inside me as soon as he could.
And #132 is totally right : get a plan B pill as a precaution. Sometimes the condom slips. As far as I know those pills are not contraceptive, if you're already pregnant it won't kill the egg. But if you're not yet pregnant, you won't be. I've used it twice. Early periods, that's all.
135
I can't believe anyone is upset by Miss California. Good Grief she is MISS CALIFORNIA in the MISS AMERCIA BEAUTY PAGENT.
What did you all expect, a Stanford Doctoral Candidate?
I can't believe anyone here actually watched the Miss America contest. Wasn't Survivor Appalachia on?
And what's with Perez Hilton? Why is he so ashamed of his real name that he takes the name of a Three Star Hotel Chain?
What did you all expect, a Stanford Doctoral Candidate?
I can't believe anyone here actually watched the Miss America contest. Wasn't Survivor Appalachia on?
And what's with Perez Hilton? Why is he so ashamed of his real name that he takes the name of a Three Star Hotel Chain?
136
Amazing work today Dan. Love the one about Bristol Palin. As a fierce advocate for comprehensive sexual education, I totally agree with that. Can't believe she has the audacity to tell people what to do. No way!!!! Abstinence prevents pregnancy??? WOW!!!!
137
To Dan & LD---The letter is so vague and coy, I have to wonder what those "needs" are: a decent orgasm from a partner?, kink? something in between, perhaps? The therapist may be a prude, but the therapist may be picking up on something else. Clearly, there are straight couples that do fine in open relationships--witness all the swingers clubs, high profile people like Warren Buffett (who has a wife and a companion), etc. Yet, most actually straight couples I've known with open relationships have either divorced or closed the relationship (just one case of that and they had teen age kids and had been together for years). These arrangements require trust and a tolerance for inequity of sorts (someone getting more than someone else). Trust seems to be the biggest problem--like the grad school classmate who hooked-up with the one of the wife's best friends and no one told the wife. So maybe the therapsit is an asshole or maybe the hubbie isn't trustworthy or the wife has no idea what she's in for; regardless, this was a situation that begged for questions (which Dan sometimes does), not a flip answer.
138
Why do people find it so shocking that gay guys (even the ones "who should know better") get mean and nasty with people like Miss California?
Would it surprise you to learn that a black person might become so angry that he/she (gasp) becomes impolite when responding to someone who politely advocates segregation and anti-miscegenation laws?
Are Jews expected to "keep it civil" with polite Nazis?
For gays and lesbians, the things these idiots are talking about aren't "beliefs" or "issues"; they're our fucking lives. And damn straight, I do hate people who think I'm less than human. Even when they make their case politely.
Would it surprise you to learn that a black person might become so angry that he/she (gasp) becomes impolite when responding to someone who politely advocates segregation and anti-miscegenation laws?
Are Jews expected to "keep it civil" with polite Nazis?
For gays and lesbians, the things these idiots are talking about aren't "beliefs" or "issues"; they're our fucking lives. And damn straight, I do hate people who think I'm less than human. Even when they make their case politely.
139
Dan! What about all the other birth control options? C'mon, at least refer her to planned parenthood or something..they can tell her all about diaphragms & spermicide, the IUD, the depo shot (though I wouldn't recommend it) & yes, get a back up prescription for Plan B.
140
what pisses me off is the fact that Miss California is saying that she's a) paid a price for speaking her mind and b) that her right to freedom of speech is being attacked.
Ummm... no honey. Ask 10 people if they know even the first name of the woman who WON the Miss USA title. Or if even five people know what state she is from. EVERYONE knows who Carrie Prejean is. EVERYONE. And she's getting speaking engagements, book deals, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. What price is it again that she's paid? The toils of fame?
Secondly NO ONE has infringed on her freedom of speech. She is allowed to open her damned fool mouth as much as she wants to. She is, however, not allowed to censor the opinions coming from the people who disagree with her, and that seems to be what she wants. She wants to be a hero for standing up for opposite marriage, but if anyone says boo about it? Well, they're just being unfair, and it shouldn't happen in her America. Except if you're the Dixie Chicks. I mean, isn't that what the internet is for? You wanna be a public figure, well, you'd better get used to criticism. Especially when you're roundly criticizing what? 10% or so of the population?
Welcome to grown up land, honey. You sure can say whatever you want, but that means that I can say whatever *I* want too. And we both have to accept the consequences.
Ummm... no honey. Ask 10 people if they know even the first name of the woman who WON the Miss USA title. Or if even five people know what state she is from. EVERYONE knows who Carrie Prejean is. EVERYONE. And she's getting speaking engagements, book deals, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. What price is it again that she's paid? The toils of fame?
Secondly NO ONE has infringed on her freedom of speech. She is allowed to open her damned fool mouth as much as she wants to. She is, however, not allowed to censor the opinions coming from the people who disagree with her, and that seems to be what she wants. She wants to be a hero for standing up for opposite marriage, but if anyone says boo about it? Well, they're just being unfair, and it shouldn't happen in her America. Except if you're the Dixie Chicks. I mean, isn't that what the internet is for? You wanna be a public figure, well, you'd better get used to criticism. Especially when you're roundly criticizing what? 10% or so of the population?
Welcome to grown up land, honey. You sure can say whatever you want, but that means that I can say whatever *I* want too. And we both have to accept the consequences.
141
interesting, your comment on bill maher that miss california was in bed with the low brow knuckle dragging right!!
i suppose its better to be aligned with men who's life revolves around inserting their dicks in other mens rectums. so much for your credibility.
i suppose its better to be aligned with men who's life revolves around inserting their dicks in other mens rectums. so much for your credibility.
142
"I don't think anyone should ever use an iud. The chances you might get pregnant are low. However if you do the chances of carrying that child to term with out defects are even lower. And no this isn't 70s jugdement of a birth control method. This is a jugdement based on the fact that 5 years ago I got pregnant while on this safe birth control. It ending up that the iud broke my water at 21 weeks, gave me and infection that almost killed me. So not only did that thing destroy one life but damn near left my other 2 children without a mother"
Umm... I haven't researched this but maybe you are supposed to have the IUD removed once you get pregnant?
Umm... I haven't researched this but maybe you are supposed to have the IUD removed once you get pregnant?
143
Also, I think it's effing stupid the first thing everyone suggests is that she should blow him.
We don't even know whether or not the girl LIKES giving blowjobs. For some, vaginal sex is much more enjoyable.
The activities and safety precautions they take should be a mutual negotiations between the partners. Prescribed rules just don't work, especially when they seem to be resting on this old assumption that the guy has to get off. (but what the girl wants is not asked)
We don't even know whether or not the girl LIKES giving blowjobs. For some, vaginal sex is much more enjoyable.
The activities and safety precautions they take should be a mutual negotiations between the partners. Prescribed rules just don't work, especially when they seem to be resting on this old assumption that the guy has to get off. (but what the girl wants is not asked)
144
I wish someone would take your sorry ass and drop it off in the middle of a Taliban run regime and see if your fucking oooh poor poor detainees remain as endearing to your liberal tree hugging heart. Maybe if you lose an arm or leg or GOD forbid (yes I said GOD)your life or your lovers life at the hands of one of them you might be whistleing a different tune out of your overstreached asshole.
145
What's up with all the "open minded" poly-friendly therapists who are enabling people to fuck up their relationships? Where is it written that we should expect to get all of our needs met all the time? What's wrong with a brutally, yet non-fatally honest "I'm not that into you. Have a nice life." ?? Why do we think we can have our cock and pussy too and walk away feeling ok about ourselves? I'm sorry but I don't sympathize. Committed means committed. If you can't handle monogamy, have the decency to say so from the outset.
To PILL: Girls mature faster than boys for a reason. Use it to your advantage. His excuses are lame (as in useless, not as in crippled.). If he's got sensitivity issues, tell him to quit jacking off for a week and try it again. Either way, you got the pussy, he want the pussy, make him work for it.
To PILL: Girls mature faster than boys for a reason. Use it to your advantage. His excuses are lame (as in useless, not as in crippled.). If he's got sensitivity issues, tell him to quit jacking off for a week and try it again. Either way, you got the pussy, he want the pussy, make him work for it.
146
I wish someone would take your sorry ass and drop it off in the middle of a Taliban run regime and see if your fucking oooh poor poor detainees remain as endearing to your liberal tree hugging heart. Maybe if you lose an arm or leg or GOD forbid (yes I said GOD)your life or your lovers life at the hands of one of them you might be whistleing a different tune out of your overstreached asshole.
147
Tell PILL that impregnation is not the ONLY problem, that any kind of anal or vaginal insertion carries the risk of STDs. So PILL's boyfriend has to get over the condom problem, as the rest of us have had to do. Unless she knows her boyfriend is in a stainless steel cage, and can't bring anything back home, condoms are a way of life.
148
RE: "The truth is you can be both intimate with and fully committed to more than one partner, or be committed to one partner and have sex with others."
Polygamy, right?
Polygamy, right?
149
RE: "The truth is you can be both intimate with and fully committed to more than one partner, or be committed to one partner and have sex with others."
Polygamy, right?
Polygamy, right?
150
Did anyone hear Miss Cali say that Satan was tempting her to lie? It baffles me the things people can say that nobody bats an eyelash over because they're said in the name of religion. What if she had said "the jolly green giant is tempting me to lie," then you'd see her out of a job! But nooooooooo. It's "Satan."
Frankly I think Satan gets a bad wrap.
Frankly I think Satan gets a bad wrap.
151
I'm still reeling from the fact that Dan, who always, ALWAYS, remembers to caution about HIV or STDs neglected to mention them even once to PILL
IMO, each partner should see to BC. I completely understand about PILL not being able to tolerate BC Pills (due to medical reasons, neither can I) but their are other options out there. Try to Diaphram or something similar to deal with both STDs and Pregnancy. She should talk with her OB/GYN. Even if they like to prescribe the pill, if she puts her foot down on it, they have to discuss with her other options (or better yet, find a different OB/GYN!!). It's always a good idea to visit with one and talk to a doctor BEFORE thinking about having sex.
The guy should also provide his own BC method for both the STD and Pregnancy issue. The only way you'll ever be sure it's done right is if you do it yourself. How does he know that a year or 10 years down the road that the girl is really on the pill?? How does the guy know that any girl is really clean?? or visa versa. Remember, even with HIV, if you are tested early, sometimes it won't show. It can take around 6 months for a test to come back positive, meanwhile you could be spreading it around and not know. There are too many STDs out there and who knows when the next newest one will show up or what it will be?? Diseases change, new ones are found. Plain and simple, be smart people. If something doesn't work for you, look around, talk to a doctor (yes guys, you can talk to your doc too!). And if your desires for sexual protection aren't being fufilled with your partner, consider it a differnce in belifes, and look for someone who is compatible with you in that same department.
IMO, each partner should see to BC. I completely understand about PILL not being able to tolerate BC Pills (due to medical reasons, neither can I) but their are other options out there. Try to Diaphram or something similar to deal with both STDs and Pregnancy. She should talk with her OB/GYN. Even if they like to prescribe the pill, if she puts her foot down on it, they have to discuss with her other options (or better yet, find a different OB/GYN!!). It's always a good idea to visit with one and talk to a doctor BEFORE thinking about having sex.
The guy should also provide his own BC method for both the STD and Pregnancy issue. The only way you'll ever be sure it's done right is if you do it yourself. How does he know that a year or 10 years down the road that the girl is really on the pill?? How does the guy know that any girl is really clean?? or visa versa. Remember, even with HIV, if you are tested early, sometimes it won't show. It can take around 6 months for a test to come back positive, meanwhile you could be spreading it around and not know. There are too many STDs out there and who knows when the next newest one will show up or what it will be?? Diseases change, new ones are found. Plain and simple, be smart people. If something doesn't work for you, look around, talk to a doctor (yes guys, you can talk to your doc too!). And if your desires for sexual protection aren't being fufilled with your partner, consider it a differnce in belifes, and look for someone who is compatible with you in that same department.
152
Weighing in on the IUD:
I have a Paragard (copper) IUD and it's worked fabulously. The first six months or so (yeah, six months) blew in terms of the pain and the length of my periods, but in July I'll have had it for a year and my last few periods have been totally, completely normal - and when you think about 6 months in the context of 10 years of hassle-free, reversible birth control, that is totally fucking awesome.
And, since I'm not currently long-term monogamous I still use condoms! It's just nice to not have to run out for the morning-after pill if problems arise. IT IS TOTALLY PRACTICAL AS A BACK-UP METHOD, AS PRACTICAL AS THE PILL. I'm surprised no one's made that comparison. Only for long-term relationships my ass - although I was in one when it was originally inserted, which is probably why they were willing to give it to me.
That said, yeah, PILL, don't fuck him without a condom - and I agree with what one above poster said about teaching him that insensitive jerks don't get laid. But I think the outercourse advice is spot-on anyway.
I have a Paragard (copper) IUD and it's worked fabulously. The first six months or so (yeah, six months) blew in terms of the pain and the length of my periods, but in July I'll have had it for a year and my last few periods have been totally, completely normal - and when you think about 6 months in the context of 10 years of hassle-free, reversible birth control, that is totally fucking awesome.
And, since I'm not currently long-term monogamous I still use condoms! It's just nice to not have to run out for the morning-after pill if problems arise. IT IS TOTALLY PRACTICAL AS A BACK-UP METHOD, AS PRACTICAL AS THE PILL. I'm surprised no one's made that comparison. Only for long-term relationships my ass - although I was in one when it was originally inserted, which is probably why they were willing to give it to me.
That said, yeah, PILL, don't fuck him without a condom - and I agree with what one above poster said about teaching him that insensitive jerks don't get laid. But I think the outercourse advice is spot-on anyway.
153
PILL has other good birth control options too--the levonorgesterol IUD (Mirena)is the most effective birth control out there and has the added benefit of reducing her menstrual symptoms, it's also the most popular method for femal OBGYNs and Midwives. The copper IUD (Paragard) is also very effective though without the benefit of a reduction in menstrual symptoms. There's also the Nuva ring, a progesterone only ring that sits right in her vaginal canal. Though both the Mirena and the Nuva ring have hormones in them they only have progesterone (not estrogen which causes most of the unpleasant side effects) and at much smaller doses than the oral contraceptive pill. Plus the hormones in Mirena and Nuva ring act only locally, not systemically (as with the pill) so there are very few side effects. These methods are not only effective, they don't require you to remember your pill on a daily basis.
154
I think this thread shows it would be a good idea for Dan to do a whole column on IUDs, to help dispell the rampant misinformation the general public holds about them still. Iuds do not threaten your fertility any more than anything else, are perfectly fine for teenagers, better in fact as they remove the user error associated with using other methods. They do not make periods worse for the majority of users, but even if there is some increased bleeding and cramps, I'd take that over the mood swings, depression, migraines that pills can cause in some women, and constant hassle of taking pills every day. But that's just me.
155
THE MIRENA IUD IS HORRIBLE....PLEASE DONT SUGGEST ANYONE TO GET IT, AND IF THEY ARE SEEKING SO, TO PLEASE GO ONLINE AND READ BOTH PRO AND ANTI VIEWS. MY DR, LIKE MANY OTHERS, TOLD ME IT WAS THE BEST CHOICE AND THE SIDE EFFECTS WERE SLIM TO NONE. YET AS SOON AS I LEFT THE DR'S OFFICE I WAS BLEEDING CRAMPING, AND THROWING UP IF I TOOK JUST THE SMALLEST BITE OF FOODS. CONCURRENTLY, I HAD A FOUL SMELLING BROWNISH DISCHARGE WHICH RUINED MANY OF MY PRIZED LINGERIE.I HAD TO BATHE THREE TIMES A DAY. THEN THE BLOATING FEELING, FACIAL HAIR, ACNE, AND MOOD SWINGS WERE ANOTHER REASON IT HAD TO GO. I HAD THE THING IN FOR THREE MONTHS BEFORE I COULD GET IT TAKEN OUT. WHY SO LONG? WELL THE FIRST COUPLE VISITS THE DR COULDNT FIND IT. SO I HAD TO HAVE IT SURGICALLY REMOVED, WHICH WAS EVEN MORE DEVASTATING. I HAVE HEARD GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE PARAGUARD BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT DOESNT HAVE ANY HORMONES WHICH HIGHLY CONTRIBUTE TO THE SIDE EFFECTS MOST PEOPLE EXPERIENCE WITH THE MIRENA. SO BASICALLY I DONT ADVISE ANYONE TO GET THE MIRENA, AND TRULY BECAUSE IT WAS A WASTE OF MY $1000 THAT I INCURRED GETTING IT IMPLANTED AND REMOVED. P.S ABOUT HAVING ANAL SEX, YEAH YOU WONT GET PREGNANT, BUT YOURE STILL A RISK OF GETTING A STD BEING THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO WE KNOW NOT OR COULD BE TOTALLY FAITHFUL. I SUGGEST YOUR BOYFRIEND GO ONLINE TO FIND A DURABLE CONDOM THAT WILL ALLOW HIM TO HAVE MORE OF A NATURAL FEEL. THEY CAN BE COSTLY, BUT TRUST I RATHER SPEND MONEY ON A QUALITY CONDOM, THAN EXPERIENCE AN STD EVER.
AS FAR AS MS. CALIFORNIA, THE DUMB BLOND SET HERSELF UP FOR THAT BACKLASH, WHICH SHE DESERVINGLY GOT. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT CAST JUDGEMENT AGAINST OTHERS, OR PRESS THEIR BELIEFS ON OTHERS.......SHE WILL NEVER REPRESENT ANY QUALITY OF MISS AMERICA.
AS FAR AS MS. CALIFORNIA, THE DUMB BLOND SET HERSELF UP FOR THAT BACKLASH, WHICH SHE DESERVINGLY GOT. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT CAST JUDGEMENT AGAINST OTHERS, OR PRESS THEIR BELIEFS ON OTHERS.......SHE WILL NEVER REPRESENT ANY QUALITY OF MISS AMERICA.
156
Okay, I'm guessing I'm the last person on the west coast to find out, but have you seen the trailer for Humpday?
Dan, were you in on that production?
Can't wait - especially since I have never been able to make it to the festival itself.
Dan, were you in on that production?
Can't wait - especially since I have never been able to make it to the festival itself.
157
good advice to PILL, but it should also be said that teenage girls hold ALL of the power in a relationship regardless of how persistent her boyfriend is. i guarantee that if PILL tells her boyfriend that she will do him ONLY if he wears a condom, he will shut up and open the wrapper. at any age the pill will not prevent std's. PILL needs to know that even if she is on the pill, her boyfriend STILL needs to wear a condom, until she is in a long term mature (trusting) relationship,that is. teenage boys will lie cheat and steal to have sex.
158
@145: In many cases you're right. One asshole member of a relationship shouldn't be able to go see a therapist to help brow-beat the other into letting them cheat. Therapists shouldn't be tossing out some kind of cookie-cutter "Relationship on the rocks? Try Poly!" advice. But then, therapists shouldn't be tossing out ANY kind of cookie-cutter advice. The point of a therapist is they should be able to provide professional advice tailored to the individual (or couple), based on what's best for the client, uncoloured by the personal views of the therapist.
In this PARTICULAR circumstance, "try poly" seems like good advice. The relationship is good, sex is lacking, and an absence of monogamy doesn't seem to bother either partner.
Go to any poly community forum and try asking any sort of "my relationship is in trouble, will trying poly help?" question, and they'll sound all sorts of alarm bells and tell you that polyamory is for strong, secure relationships only. You should never turn to poly to help fix a relationship in trouble, unless the ONLY trouble is someone not getting enough sex/intimacy/dates/whatever AND both people in the relationship are comfortable with the idea.
In this PARTICULAR circumstance, "try poly" seems like good advice. The relationship is good, sex is lacking, and an absence of monogamy doesn't seem to bother either partner.
Go to any poly community forum and try asking any sort of "my relationship is in trouble, will trying poly help?" question, and they'll sound all sorts of alarm bells and tell you that polyamory is for strong, secure relationships only. You should never turn to poly to help fix a relationship in trouble, unless the ONLY trouble is someone not getting enough sex/intimacy/dates/whatever AND both people in the relationship are comfortable with the idea.
159
I agree with you Dan with regard to open relationships. You sum it up nicely. You are a good bit younger than I (60) and can likely make the leap successfully. What I will share is my personal experience: in my group, I don't know of any couple, including my marriage, which was able to sustain a long-term open relationship. Hopefully following generations will hopefully do better.
160
Dear Dan,
I like what you told PILL but wish that you had mentioned all the other kinds of birth control out there. There's the Depo-Provera shot, the patch, the implant, the ring (which is very low dose and many women prefer to the pill) there are IUDs (both with and without hormones) and cervical caps that can be used with spermicide. Also, there are many kinds of pills (from low to high dose, mini-pills, various hormone combos, etc) and PILL should talk to a professional about which pills she was on and the specific things she didn't like about them.
Some are much more effective than others, there are serious cost barriers to some of these if they're not covered by insurance, and there can be side effects to any sort of hormonal birth control, but it's good to be aware that they exist.
I also had awful experiences with hormonal pills and it took years until I finally got a great doctor who took the time to ask about how my pills were working for me and to explain all my options -- and there are so many! I now have a non-hormonal IUD, it is fantastic for me, and I am grateful for my doctor's advice.
Here's a great list/effectiveness chart: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…
Thanks!
I like what you told PILL but wish that you had mentioned all the other kinds of birth control out there. There's the Depo-Provera shot, the patch, the implant, the ring (which is very low dose and many women prefer to the pill) there are IUDs (both with and without hormones) and cervical caps that can be used with spermicide. Also, there are many kinds of pills (from low to high dose, mini-pills, various hormone combos, etc) and PILL should talk to a professional about which pills she was on and the specific things she didn't like about them.
Some are much more effective than others, there are serious cost barriers to some of these if they're not covered by insurance, and there can be side effects to any sort of hormonal birth control, but it's good to be aware that they exist.
I also had awful experiences with hormonal pills and it took years until I finally got a great doctor who took the time to ask about how my pills were working for me and to explain all my options -- and there are so many! I now have a non-hormonal IUD, it is fantastic for me, and I am grateful for my doctor's advice.
Here's a great list/effectiveness chart: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…
Thanks!
161
@37-39 Yes...SOME gay men CAN get pregnant from anal sex...if it happens in the manner everyone has been describing and the "receiver" happens to be FTM. Not every FTM has the money or doctor support for a hysterectomy...
162
Dan - great job on Real TIme. Just got your book, The Commitment - excellent. Thanks for your strong voice to counter-act the unreasonable voices from the right.
163
Life Decisions: I am surprised that swinging was not brought up as an option. Or perhaps that was what Dan Savage meant by open relationship. In swinging most couples share the intimate experience whether they bring in a third or play with other couple. Couples are able to get variety or a specific need filled that they cannot isn't taken care of in a sexually monogamous relationship. These couples are relationship monogamous though.
I knew a couple in an open relationship, where he went one way and she went another. Jealousy and competition ensued, and they fought bitterly until they divorced. Perhaps they weren't doing it right and not true to the open relationship. I also knew a couple in an open relationship, but it was only open when they were physically separated, it was more like a free pass to play when not home. That did not seem like an open relationship, it seemed like allowed cheating that neither of them discussed.
To me it sounds like you are going to try some sort of 'allowed cheating' to have his needs filled, why not share the intimate experience? Even if he has BDSM needs you probably can find some way to be a part of that experience.
My thoughts though are if you are currently in a sexually monogamous relationship, don't jump to into the deep end and try an open relationship, start with threesomes first and then if that works well try swinging.
I prefer the sharing aspect to swinging. We both get so turned on by seeing our partner enjoying themselves. The swinging is like extended foreplay for us and then at the end of the night we make love to each other. It has greatly enhanced our trust and faith in each other.
I knew a couple in an open relationship, where he went one way and she went another. Jealousy and competition ensued, and they fought bitterly until they divorced. Perhaps they weren't doing it right and not true to the open relationship. I also knew a couple in an open relationship, but it was only open when they were physically separated, it was more like a free pass to play when not home. That did not seem like an open relationship, it seemed like allowed cheating that neither of them discussed.
To me it sounds like you are going to try some sort of 'allowed cheating' to have his needs filled, why not share the intimate experience? Even if he has BDSM needs you probably can find some way to be a part of that experience.
My thoughts though are if you are currently in a sexually monogamous relationship, don't jump to into the deep end and try an open relationship, start with threesomes first and then if that works well try swinging.
I prefer the sharing aspect to swinging. We both get so turned on by seeing our partner enjoying themselves. The swinging is like extended foreplay for us and then at the end of the night we make love to each other. It has greatly enhanced our trust and faith in each other.
164
PILL,
The pill is not a good thing for the human body and doesn't protect against STDs. As so many have said here. Another problem is if an irrisponsible partner knows you are on the pill he is more likely to push you to have sex without a condom, there-by risking your health.
Someone who doesn't want to use a condom with you won't be likely to use them with others and this is a rist to your health. In the age of aides - a big risk.
While an IUD is not as risky to your everyday health (or long term, down the road health), it doesn't protect you like a barrier method would.
Do all the fun stuff Dan recommends. Keep condoms and lube on hand. No penetration without a condom. If you are pressured, get up and leave. Standing seriously behind your requirements is a strong statement. Have enough self respect to put your own health first.
Good luck!
The pill is not a good thing for the human body and doesn't protect against STDs. As so many have said here. Another problem is if an irrisponsible partner knows you are on the pill he is more likely to push you to have sex without a condom, there-by risking your health.
Someone who doesn't want to use a condom with you won't be likely to use them with others and this is a rist to your health. In the age of aides - a big risk.
While an IUD is not as risky to your everyday health (or long term, down the road health), it doesn't protect you like a barrier method would.
Do all the fun stuff Dan recommends. Keep condoms and lube on hand. No penetration without a condom. If you are pressured, get up and leave. Standing seriously behind your requirements is a strong statement. Have enough self respect to put your own health first.
Good luck!
165
PILL--if boyfriend 'doesn't like' condoms and you're not on the pill, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT have vaginal sex with him.
otherwise pregnancy will be ALL TOO FREAKIN' LIKELY.
otherwise pregnancy will be ALL TOO FREAKIN' LIKELY.
166
Miss California has as much right to her opinions as anyone else...even UNPOPULAR ONES. She might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but she had the courage to give an answer she knew would cost her the pagent in front of millions. And it was quite a joy to see the smile wiped off of that little rainbow nazi's face when he didn't get the soundbite he so wanted.
167
Dan I have enjoyed your podcast for along time. But this last installment of 05/19/09 was totally nasty. I mean can you fucking put the cookies down just during the podcast. That was rude and nasty and I will stop listening to your stupid fucking podcast. I also hate you because you did not return my call asshole.
168
I totally agree with Foamhead#166, she had every right to her opinion, like the rest of us, and that stupid ass question shouldn't have even been asked in the first place. And just because your a loud-mouthed faggot with a blog-spot, you have no right to call her names at all. It just goes to show everyone that when someone doesn't agree with the gay community, it's time for the gays to show prejudice. If I was gay, I'd be ashamed. And what the hell was he judging a pageant for in the first place? He's just a loud mouthed idiot, everyone knows it. And I think it's just fine for her to make money off of this, she didn't ask for this crap, fag-boy did.
169
Just to clarify for the record, Carrie Prejean is Miss California USA, not Miss California. Miss California USA competes for the title of Miss USA (and, if she should win, competes for the Miss Universe title). Miss California competes for the title of Miss America. Both pageants are anachronistic, but the USA/Universe operation is pretty clearly the tackier and sluttier-appearing of the two. The fact that Perez Hilton was selected as a judge for this event proves my point.
Mr. Hilton may be tasteless and vapid, but he's right. Miss Prejean is a dumb bitch not because she doesn't toe the homo party line, but because most reasonable people would surmise that her actions are bitchy and her statements are stupid. She's welcome to say whatever she wants. And I am welcome to criticize her for it.
Opposing marriage equality isn't like opposing a bond issue or not liking how one's taxes are being spent. Opposition to marriage equality simply is not a justifiable position. It's prejudice, pure and simple. Quit bitching about being forced to agree with the gay community (whatever that is), and own your own bias. Only then can you move forward and work through it, for the country's benefit as well as your own.
Mr. Hilton may be tasteless and vapid, but he's right. Miss Prejean is a dumb bitch not because she doesn't toe the homo party line, but because most reasonable people would surmise that her actions are bitchy and her statements are stupid. She's welcome to say whatever she wants. And I am welcome to criticize her for it.
Opposing marriage equality isn't like opposing a bond issue or not liking how one's taxes are being spent. Opposition to marriage equality simply is not a justifiable position. It's prejudice, pure and simple. Quit bitching about being forced to agree with the gay community (whatever that is), and own your own bias. Only then can you move forward and work through it, for the country's benefit as well as your own.
170
Mr. Savage should be sex-ed czar. A curriculum designed by him would make us a happier and healthier country of satisfied and knowledgable individuals, eventually. How I wish I had his sort of advice as an adolescent learning about intercourse!
172
I'm sorry to rage on this debate here... but "the hormones in Mirena and Nuva ring act only locally, not systemically (as with the pill)"??
Think about it. What is "locally"? It's your PARTS that's what it is. Lack of sexual response, lack of lubrication, lack of sensation, all signs of low libido which is a by now well-documented side effect of hormonal birth control methods, whether Nuva ring, Mirena or progesterone-only.
Remember: "low dose" only means lower than in the pills women took in the 70's. But the amount of hormones in modern pills still packs a huge punch, no matter how you look at it.
Think about it. What is "locally"? It's your PARTS that's what it is. Lack of sexual response, lack of lubrication, lack of sensation, all signs of low libido which is a by now well-documented side effect of hormonal birth control methods, whether Nuva ring, Mirena or progesterone-only.
Remember: "low dose" only means lower than in the pills women took in the 70's. But the amount of hormones in modern pills still packs a huge punch, no matter how you look at it.
174
PILL needs to tell her "whine, whine, I don't like condoms" boyfriend to GROW UP.
And then she can explain to him that not all condoms are the same and the things he doesn't like about one type can probably be fixed by buying a different kind. (I hate the smell of Nonoxynol-9, for instance, so I get the Trojans in the light green box -- no idea what they're really called, which have lube but no spermicide and for whatever reason seem to be easier to put on than others.)
And then she can explain to him that not all condoms are the same and the things he doesn't like about one type can probably be fixed by buying a different kind. (I hate the smell of Nonoxynol-9, for instance, so I get the Trojans in the light green box -- no idea what they're really called, which have lube but no spermicide and for whatever reason seem to be easier to put on than others.)
176
Ya, Dan gotta say, I'm disappointed. You seriously effed up on this one. We're all happy you think Bristol Palin and the abstinence only movement is retarded, but WE KNOW already! Preaching to the converted! And at the expense of this girl with a legit question! Way to give a half assed response to an important Q.
that girl should try different pills. She should work with her doctor till she finds one right for her. Or look for a doctor who will get an IUD implanted. Also PLEASE reiterate the importance of condom use to her in preventing STDs, and testing for STDs if they're in a monogamous relationship, but that condoms are really the way to go when you're dating hormonal roving teenage boys.
that girl should try different pills. She should work with her doctor till she finds one right for her. Or look for a doctor who will get an IUD implanted. Also PLEASE reiterate the importance of condom use to her in preventing STDs, and testing for STDs if they're in a monogamous relationship, but that condoms are really the way to go when you're dating hormonal roving teenage boys.
177
If those Olympic swimmers make it from the rectum to the ovaries, bet they're pooped when they arrive! :-)
178
I'd like to comment on this abstinence thing.
Interestingly, according to surveys done both in the US and in my home country of Norway, a large percentage of christian youngsters do not consider sexual acts outside of vaginal penetration sex. Mutual masturbation and oral sex? Quite fine. The Reverend Bill McGinnis even goes as far as *stating* that dating with petting until achieved orgasm can be an option to avoid sex among unmarried christians.
Which I find pretty awesome, really. If only they preached this belief more loudly - I think my time in the youth club of my local church would have been much more awesome (and I probably would have had my sexual debut in the form of a threesome at a skiing trip :-P )
Interestingly, according to surveys done both in the US and in my home country of Norway, a large percentage of christian youngsters do not consider sexual acts outside of vaginal penetration sex. Mutual masturbation and oral sex? Quite fine. The Reverend Bill McGinnis even goes as far as *stating* that dating with petting until achieved orgasm can be an option to avoid sex among unmarried christians.
Which I find pretty awesome, really. If only they preached this belief more loudly - I think my time in the youth club of my local church would have been much more awesome (and I probably would have had my sexual debut in the form of a threesome at a skiing trip :-P )
179
@happy lesbo:
I agree with your general sentiment, but the type of Christians who thump Bibles do not revere Mary or vice versa. There's this little thing called Catholicism that you might have heard of, as well as my neighbors the fundamentalist evangelicals. They are very different, and knowing matters for all sorts of reasons, not least because they are some of our primary opponents in fighting for gay rights and reproductive rights, and it's a lot harder to fight people intelligently when you don't know a fucking thing about them.
I agree with your general sentiment, but the type of Christians who thump Bibles do not revere Mary or vice versa. There's this little thing called Catholicism that you might have heard of, as well as my neighbors the fundamentalist evangelicals. They are very different, and knowing matters for all sorts of reasons, not least because they are some of our primary opponents in fighting for gay rights and reproductive rights, and it's a lot harder to fight people intelligently when you don't know a fucking thing about them.
180
@Thomas
I must be getting old.
When I was in youth groups 10 years ago or so, they were much more concerned with the idea of "purity" than sex. Vaginal and anal sex, oral sex, and mutual masturbation were all right there on the same tier of pre-marital badness. There was near-consensus that nipple play impinged purity, but a lively debate on where there were "pure" tongue kisses.
I don't think I ever heard "virginity" mentioned.
Is this a denominational thing or a generational thing?
I must be getting old.
When I was in youth groups 10 years ago or so, they were much more concerned with the idea of "purity" than sex. Vaginal and anal sex, oral sex, and mutual masturbation were all right there on the same tier of pre-marital badness. There was near-consensus that nipple play impinged purity, but a lively debate on where there were "pure" tongue kisses.
I don't think I ever heard "virginity" mentioned.
Is this a denominational thing or a generational thing?
181
I laughed at the "GAY SEX"-as-contraceptive thing. I'm always telling my friends one of the perks of lesbian sex is that you absolutely can't get pregnant!
182
My 47 year old ex boyfriend told me that he doesn't feel much with a condom on; he said this : "imagine us laying down naked against one another - now imagine a shower curtain in between us. This is how a condom feels on me" I believed him because he is 47, never used a condom in his life and maybe he's loosing his sensitivity. I guess he never heard of elastic sexual response....and neither did I until now.....thanks
183
I love your advice to PILL. As far as I'm concerned, condoms are NOT "better than not having [vaginal] sex at all." They are worse. "Condoms or nothing"? Fine: Nothing. (Though if you *really* want to go with *nothing* rather than "outercourse," our relationship has problems.) I've always been upfront about this -- awkwardly at 17, but still -- and luckily I never ran into anyone who was willing to let some "sex educator" who didn't even know me convince her I must be lying.
My partner of ten years can't tolerate the pill or IUD, she can't find a diaphragm that fits and it hurts her like hell to even try to remove the cap let alone succeed, and I'm allergic to every spermicide we've tried anyway (including all options for use with the diaphragm/cap). So "outercourse" it's been, for ten years. It IS real sex. And uh...it's really not difficult to "resist" "saying 'Oh, what the hell!'" It's...just not.
Just like it's not difficult to learn to tolerate condoms. (And the cap never hurts anyone -- she must be lying -- DTMFA!)
IOW: People are different. Accept what they say about themselves.
My partner of ten years can't tolerate the pill or IUD, she can't find a diaphragm that fits and it hurts her like hell to even try to remove the cap let alone succeed, and I'm allergic to every spermicide we've tried anyway (including all options for use with the diaphragm/cap). So "outercourse" it's been, for ten years. It IS real sex. And uh...it's really not difficult to "resist" "saying 'Oh, what the hell!'" It's...just not.
Just like it's not difficult to learn to tolerate condoms. (And the cap never hurts anyone -- she must be lying -- DTMFA!)
IOW: People are different. Accept what they say about themselves.
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