Follow Dan

Facebook    Twitter    Instagram    YouTube
Savage Lovecast
Dan Savage's Hump
It Gets Better Project

Savage Love Podcast

Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.

Savage Love Archives

More in the Archives »

More from Dan Savage

More in the Archives »

Books by Dan Savage

Want a Second Opinion?

Contact Dan Savage

Savage on YouTube

Loading...

Opinions Are Like Slog Commenters

May 21, 2009

  • comments
  • Print

Dear Readers: Your faith in my counsel and willingness to take me into your confidence moves and humbles me. The seriousness with which I approach this work would normally prevent me from turning your letters over to a bunch of drunks in a bar. But when Slog Happy, our monthy happy hour for readers of the Stranger's blog, was held at a bar where I sometimes retire to write my column—the Roanoke Tavern on 10th—I decided to print out a few of your letters. Names, e-mail addresses, and identifying details were removed, and your letters were passed from drunk to drunk, taped to legal pads.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines "advice" as "an opinion about what could or should be done," and opinions, as Saint Paul famously observed, are like assholes: Everyone's got one (Esophagans 14:20). Since comments on Slog never want for opinions (or assholes), it seemed only natural to give the commenters a crack at this advice bidness.


My wife and I have been married for eight months, and I love her very much. However, we don't have sex much, maybe three times a month. We've seen a therapist a few times, and it hasn't changed anything. I still love her, but my needs haven't been met and I'm frustrated. Due to my frustration, I posted an ad on Craigslist—not to cheat but to just get some erotic interaction via the web. I only sent a few pictures back and forth. However, my wife found the e-mails. I apologized and said I never wanted to be with anyone but her, but that I just wanted to feel like I was desired. My wife has asked me to move out for a while, which I did.

Are we effed? I know what I did was horrible, but I want to make this marriage work. I love her, and I don't want this to end it.

Confused In Salt Lake

• "Since you live in Salt Lake, I'm going to assume that you didn't have sex with your wife before you got marriaged [hic], and so it turns out that you and your wife are incompatible. Next time, try the milk before you buy the cow."

• "A lot of men make the mistake of initiating sex by just being like, 'Hey, let's fuck.' Try this: Rub her shoulders, offer to make her a bath, give her a foot massage. Then eat her out, but don't ask for anything. Do this for two weeks. Show her that you want her to enjoy sex. If it doesn't work, sorry, you're fucked."

• "You have four separate problems that are now, through the magic of synergy, combined into one big one: Your wife's not into sex, you live in Utah, your wife made you move out, and you're using Craigslist (what the fuck?). Time for some radical honesty: Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want. Insist she do the same. Don't censor. This will either finish burning your marriage to the ground or maybe—MAYBE—allow you to start dealing with each other like adults."

• "Hey, Mormon Dumbfuck: She asked you to move out. It's already over! HELLO?!?"


I have a submissive side. My first dominant girlfriend would face-sit me for an hour; after she climaxed, she would ride me until she climaxed multiple times, and only then would she let me climax. Eventually we were doing cunnilingus after intercourse, but when she suggested it might be fun to add "more sauce" to the mix—bring another man into our play, and this other man's ejaculate—I dumped her. A similar thing happened in my next relationship. Do all dominant women think all male submissives are interested in bisexual behavior and being a cuckold?

There is a BDSM group in Washington, D.C., but the cohort for under-35s is tiny (I am under 30), and it's nothing but fat women. I don't want to pay, I work out, I have a salary, and I eat my lunch every day. I don't need to be looked after. I am totally self-reliant, but I nevertheless want to be completely dominated by a woman. If the right woman came along now, I would marry her and make her very happy.

Should I be more patient and let her find me, or should I find ways to put out more openly that I am a submissive?

Where Are The Monogamous Dominant Women?

• "Where are your social skills, douchebag?"

• "You sound like a dick. Only sex your way or you dump them? WTF? Try meeting someone you like and slowly introduce the dom/sub stuff. Right now you are SO demanding with your fantasies but unwilling to fulfill someone else's. That's a dick move."

• "When I got to 'I have a salary and I eat my lunch,' I stopped reading."

• "There is nothing less attractive than a 'sub' screaming, 'Top me, Mistress—but not if you're too fat or too poly or too old or if you actually have fantasies of your own or if you're going to order me to do something I don't want to do.' That's why you're not getting any action, dummy."

• "You suck. The end."


My partner and I are in our mid-20s and have been together since our teens. We have similar interests and compatible lifestyles. We make an awesome pair. Unfortunately, we are not sexually compatible. Over time we've grown closer regarding most things, except for sex. I've come to realize that I'm kinky and non-monogamous. My partner is decidedly not kinky, though she has said that if I slept with others she would NEVER want to know. That leaves a door slightly open.

I love her and am committed to the relationship, but I need some kink to be happy, and my outing myself as kinky has led to a steady deterioration in our vanilla sex life. Is it fair to put her on notice that I'll be kinking out as opportunities arise and deal with the fallout as we go?

Seeking Orderly Solution

• "She said she would 'never want to know.' That is NOT an open door. That's a double-shielded blast door with padlocks and a sign on it that says, 'Don't even think about it, motherfucker.'"

• "Putting her 'on notice' sounds kind of ass-holish. Have the big, awful, stomach-clenching talk about your future. It's not fair to either of you for you to have to stay monogamous and be unhappy. You need to figure this out."

• "Let her know that you are going to do it if the opportunity arises, but assure her that you're just looking to satisfy your kink. Be sure to respect her desire not to know, but always be ready to divulge if she changes her mind. If you want the relationship to work, you need to be 'allowing.'"

• "You'll be unhappy for a few years if you leave her, but you'll be unhappy for the REST OF YOUR LIFE if you stay."

• "WTF? Get rid of the shit. I'm not talking about 'leaving' her. She's likely to have some of your secrets. KILL HER. Everything you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime, rope, large garbage bags, sympathy card for the family."

Thanks to the Slog commenters who wrote my column for me this week. And for the record: Murder is wrong, and Slog Happy takes place on the second Thursday of the month. Check Slog at thestranger.com/slog for details.


mail@savagelove.net

 

Comments (170) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
This was kind of amazing.
Posted by DJDeeJay on May 19, 2009 at 7:34 PM · Report this
Lil 2
Is "eat my lunch" some kind of sub code? I bet he breathes really shallowly and makes a big show of parting the pubic hair out of the way, too, when he goes down. Dork.
Posted by Lil on May 19, 2009 at 8:07 PM · Report this
Lil 3
Wow, and I bet everyone's getting all excited thinking they're first.
Posted by Lil on May 19, 2009 at 8:14 PM · Report this
4
DO THIS MORE! This is so fantastic. Seriously, drunk people opinions are so much funnier than sober people opinions.
Posted by whatshertits on May 19, 2009 at 8:16 PM · Report this
5
Hysterical! And an excellent reminder -- especially to all those currently tempted to yell "cop out!" -- of the work that goes into the regular column (including the ones Dan writes that are STILL called cop outs).
Posted by James on May 19, 2009 at 8:19 PM · Report this
6
To the submissive: yes, they do assume that many subs are bi. After all, you're clearly already pretty open with your sexuality. If I were you, I would put it out there at the beginning of the relationship with a dom that you always want to keep it between the two of you.
Posted by codpiece on May 19, 2009 at 8:25 PM · Report this
O my Captain 7
That was a refreshing change. I kind of liked it. Can you do this more regularly? In fact, except for the murder crack, most sounded pretty on the mark!
Posted by O my Captain on May 19, 2009 at 8:27 PM · Report this
8
I agree that guy was a dork. So if a totally hot, kinky lady who satisfies his needs expresses a desire for a BGB 3-way (as a lot of women have those fantasies), he's not into it? Boo fucking hoo. Be alone, asshole.
Posted by Kiki on May 19, 2009 at 8:36 PM · Report this
9
It'd be better if you chimed in with some commentary on the SLOG responses too.
Posted by Chemondelay on May 19, 2009 at 8:38 PM · Report this
10
Dan, did you deliberately pick the most asshole-y, fucked up responses, to prove how candy your advice-ass is? Most of these Dr. Laura wannabes deserve to suck Cheney's ejaculate out of Bush's ass with a straw for the rest of their lives.

There are more compassionate people than Dan out there, although you might not know it listening to him.
Posted by Marcus on May 19, 2009 at 9:04 PM · Report this
a.james 11
Marcus: If we wanted compassionate we wouldn't be reading the "Savage" Love.

I lol'd at the "I eat my lunch", are ED's really that common with subs? [preemptive: No ED's are not funny but wtf does "I eat my lunch" mean?]
Posted by a.james on May 19, 2009 at 9:28 PM · Report this
12
WATMDW, seriously, WTF?

"but when she suggested it might be fun to add "more sauce" to the mix—bring another man into our play, and this other man's ejaculate—I dumped her."

I'll let you in on a little secret. You can say "NO," to a sex act that you aren't interested in without dumping the person proposing the sex act. Yes, even as a submissive, this is not a situation where you either have to say yes or jump ship. Cripes. It's like going to a burger joint, being offered ketchup with your fries, and refusing to ever go back because you hate ketchup.

Refuse the sauce if you don't want it. You aren't ever going to find a woman with any sexual self-esteem if you can't bear her even SUGGESTING a sex act you aren't in to.
Posted by Lorran on May 19, 2009 at 9:32 PM · Report this
13
Wow Dan, these were pretty harsh. Amusing though, I'll give you that.
Posted by Moi on May 19, 2009 at 9:46 PM · Report this
14
This is not an 'advice column'... this is a 'have fun bashing others, hiding behind your attitude, with no thought involved' column. WTF?

The submissive guy is totally in the right... enjoying domination energy is not even related to wanting a 3-way, or cuckolding (although the latter may need the former, it doesn't mean the converse is true)! There's monogamous dominant women out there. And also monogamous women who may have other kinks, or may want to take turns on the power thing.... no one even wondered if he'd be up for fulfilling a monogamous kink, for fucks sake.

And for SOS... she did NOT say "if you cheat that would be the end of it". She said "I would Never want to know". So drunk #3 had it. Be VERY respectful and considerate.
Posted by Just Saying on May 19, 2009 at 10:05 PM · Report this
15
Kind of a cop out Dan, but the comment "KILL HER. Everything you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime, rope, large garbage bags, sympathy card for the family." was absolutely hilarious.
Posted by Jeff123456 on May 19, 2009 at 10:46 PM · Report this
16
Meh. Not at the column. At Just Saying. I actually think that the comments for WATMDW were pretty legit. As for SOS, definitely agree with Drunks #2&3. Not good for a relationship to be in the vague 'Maybe I'm sleeping with other people, maybe I'm not, you don't really know" area. Savage, column was duper delicious, I now have something to mark on my calender for every second Thursday of the month.
Posted by PlainJaneJones on May 19, 2009 at 11:11 PM · Report this
17
Monthy – I like that. Is it like mouthy?
Posted by Fred34 on May 20, 2009 at 12:07 AM · Report this
18
I think next time you need to include a video of the drunks' answers as well – complete with slurs and drink preferences.

Great stuff
Posted by Fred34 on May 20, 2009 at 12:24 AM · Report this
19
Epic comment!(" You Suck ,The End")
Posted by 59009 on May 20, 2009 at 12:26 AM · Report this
20
Epic *advice*:
" You Suck The End."
Posted by 59009 on May 20, 2009 at 12:28 AM · Report this
21
Sorry ppl I didn't think my last post posted
Posted by 59009 on May 20, 2009 at 12:29 AM · Report this
22
Did Mr. Poe write all the responses? WTF? Do you all have to be mean? I shoulda been there....
Posted by Papayas on May 20, 2009 at 12:58 AM · Report this
emsique 23
Why restrict sex advice answers to come from drunks in a bar? How about Hempfest participants? Or Mormons socializing after church? Or city council candidates after the debate? People waiting at DMV? The possibilities are endless.
Posted by emsique http://emsique.blogspot.com on May 20, 2009 at 12:58 AM · Report this
24
Who expects a relationship that starts when you're a teenager to last? They're not supposed to last! Both people have way too much growing and changing to do, and the chances of ending up compatible are pretty much nil. SOS needs to do the right thing for his vanilla, monogamous girlfriend and break up with her so she can find a vanilla, monogamous boy.
Posted by Inky on May 20, 2009 at 2:10 AM · Report this
25
That is quite literally the best idea ever. Dan - DO IT!
Posted by tomi on May 20, 2009 at 2:20 AM · Report this
stevema14420 26
15 - couldn't agree more. Hilarious advice. However, it would be wise for the affected parties to ignore it.
Posted by stevema14420 http://www.aebn.net on May 20, 2009 at 2:49 AM · Report this
stevema14420 27
Back in the good 'ol days (according to social conservatives), like the 50's and prior, no husband or boyfriend would have to deal with any of this 'pleasing the woman' shit.

I therefore advise anyone straight who's thinking of getting married to have a mandatory PRENUPTIAL agreement. They can be quite detailed and should spell out sexual expectations, fair notice of kinks and fetishes, monogomy waivers, ect.... Make them take the marriage seriously by truely revealing yourself bare to your partner. No confusion in the future... if things change then there is a clear violations of contract.

That's how you defend the sanctity of marriage against the straight people out to destroy the instituion of families for thousands of years.
Posted by stevema14420 http://www.aebn.net on May 20, 2009 at 2:57 AM · Report this
28
"She said she would 'never want to know.' That is NOT an open door. That's a double-shielded blast door with padlocks and a sign on it that says, 'Don't even think about it, motherfucker.'"

...best. thing. ever.
Posted by wicked on May 20, 2009 at 4:02 AM · Report this
29
I don't usually prefer columns where the advice is handed to someone else to answer, not because I consider it a cop out, but because Dan's answers are usually funnier. But THIS was incredible, awesome, and should be repeated on a semi-regular basis.
Posted by DrReality on May 20, 2009 at 4:46 AM · Report this
30
Don't do this again, Savage. People write to YOU for help, not to a bunch of drunks. It's a great big eff-you to your readers. Shame on you.
Posted by abeltoleap on May 20, 2009 at 5:50 AM · Report this
31
Dan,

This column bordered on cruel--and it is not okay to bash Mormans, call them names, etc, any more than it is appropriate to do that to any race or religion or gender, etc.

I've loved your column for years. There was no compassion in this one. Shame on you. Really.
Posted by real person on May 20, 2009 at 6:03 AM · Report this
32
Dan, this column was amazing, and ought to be repeated. and, may I say, I wish my local pub had such openminded and articulate patrons. If these guys were the typical clientele, I'd move in, just like Norm on Cheers! ;)
Posted by Nana on May 20, 2009 at 6:29 AM · Report this
33
I get *really* fed up with the idea that a sub should always do exactly what the dom(me) says regardless of any other factors. That's *NOT* how it should work.

How it should work is that each person discusses their needs, expectations and limits before starting the scene/sex, and within those limits the dom(me) can ask the sub do what they want. That's assuming the sub really is a sub, and isn't just a bottom or a subby switch of course..

A Dom(me) that introduces things without consent or discussion is an arsehole. It's their responsibility to look after the sub, as they hold all the power.

None of the commenters above knows if the guy discussed this with his partner or not before dumping her - that's a very large assumption.

It's not acceptable to expect your partners to want additional people involved, even if they're bi. Not all bi people are poly or always into threesomes, and I'm fucking annoyed about the assumption that we are.

I also can't understand the drunken assumption that the guy is being selfish. He's performing cunnilingus for an hour and letting her orgasm multiple times before having his needs seen to. How the hell is that selfish? Strikes me he'd be in demand with a lot of mildly dominant women..
Posted by UKGuy on May 20, 2009 at 6:31 AM · Report this
34
There is *a* BDSM group in DC? There are several. There are a lot of kinky folks here in your nation's capitol (surprise surprise). There are two groups alone that (at least nominally) cater to the under-35s. Don't like one? Try the other.
I *am* one of those "fat women". And you know what? We can tell the people who think that S&M stands for Stand and Model. And the people who show up looking to meet hot chicks who'll do what they want, rather than trying to meet like-minded people and form meaningful relationships with them.

And I'm sorry, dude, but it's a supply/demand issue. There are a lot more male subs than female dominants. I'm not saying that means you have to settle, but maybe consider what is actually important to you in a relationship and stop judging books by their covers.
Posted by blushingflower on May 20, 2009 at 6:35 AM · Report this
35
emsique for the win.
Posted by Anoon on May 20, 2009 at 6:44 AM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 36
I see that the advice given by drunk slog commenters is pretty much the same as advice given by sober slog commenters.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on May 20, 2009 at 7:15 AM · Report this
37
Sounds to me like Dan Savage didn't want to switch his note and did a one-man play.
Posted by singing a song on May 20, 2009 at 7:29 AM · Report this
38
@14: "And for SOS... she did NOT say "if you cheat that would be the end of it". She said "I would Never want to know". So drunk #3 had it. Be VERY respectful and considerate."

Never, ever base a judgement on the technical definition of a woman's words. It MAY be a door to talking about it again, but hell, I know a lot of women would just say that to be nice. She could really mean: "Don't fucking do it; I'm saying 'maybe' so I don't have to hear me being soul-crushingly harsh."

And does this guy really want a relationship where his girlfriend loathes a part of his life so much she never wants to know about it?
Posted by Gloria on May 20, 2009 at 7:44 AM · Report this
39
Also, Dan, please do this once a month, as it's fucking hilarious. I give you a little more credit than some of your detractors; a lot of your choices seem to cover the spectrum of a more well-rounded answer, so it works.

I'd also be interested in a version where you reply with your own answer.
Posted by Gloria on May 20, 2009 at 7:46 AM · Report this
40
@UKGuy -- Yes, we are making the assumption that WATMDW and his partner didn't discuss it, based on the earlier quoted line,

"when she suggested it might be fun to add "more sauce" to the mix... I dumped her."

Not, "when she suggested... I made it clear that that was something I was not interested in. We couldn't reach an agreement because she saw what she wanted as a natural progression from what we'd been doing so far and I didn't so, I felt left with no choice but to dump her."

Not, "when she suggested... I told her that while I love her for indulging my kinks, and am generally happy to do the same for her, I have a hard limit at bringing in other men/other men's cum."

Not any number of the ways the English language could have conveyed that conversation or meaningful discussion took place, but, "when she suggested... I dumped her."

To say nothing of how messed up his thought process is, going from "I need someone monogamous but kinky" to "BDSM groups are too expensive and the women there are unattractive" to "I can afford my own lunch" which seems to go back on the it's too expensive thing, to "I would marry a woman where things worked" when he can't get a relationship to work he's already all on this marriage thing...

So I really don't see a problem with assuming that the guy is selfish either. Where else does "I don't want to pay, I buy my lunch" and the dumping w/o talking come from?
Posted by Khyros on May 20, 2009 at 7:58 AM · Report this
Charm 41
I'm a freak, I guess. I loved the last comment. Obviously a drunk, but very well thought out, and it was my first good laugh of the day.
Posted by Charm on May 20, 2009 at 8:05 AM · Report this
42
The advice is amazingly good, considered. I must remember to get the sympathy card, if and when.

CISL, nobody ever got sex from talking (well, not from telling the truth at least) and in heterosexual marriage the sex decreases over time. And tasting the milk doesn't tell you how well it will age. Count your blessings, you are better off without this woman for a wife.
Posted by Baltimoron on May 20, 2009 at 8:08 AM · Report this
43
This column proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that dumb fucks sitting around a bar are not at all qualified to give advice.
Posted by Franklin on May 20, 2009 at 8:22 AM · Report this
44
Sub dude, are you kidding me? This is my fantasy. I got hard even reading about your sex life. You girl demands you eat her out for hours and wants to cuckold you with other men? And she's hot? Do you know how lucky you are to find a girl like this?

Jesus! Why is this being wasted on you?
Posted by jester on May 20, 2009 at 8:25 AM · Report this
45
WATMDW, when it comes to the kink scene, immature guys like you are the least desired demographic. Sure you are surrounded by fat women, but guess what, you are basically the fat chick of this scene. Guys who troll around hoping to be topped by somebody who looks like Dita von Teese while offering nothing of value in return are a dime a dozen. To top it all off, as a sub, you are playing the guess what I want or get the fuck out game. To get what you really want, you are going to have to pony up some cash. With your social skills, forget about somebody living up to your sexual expectations while being in an a monogamous relationship with your whiney ass.
Posted by Reg on May 20, 2009 at 8:56 AM · Report this
46
The last one is the least funny thing I've ever read. It's not a cute statement, or tongue-in-cheek, in a country where 61% of female homicide victims were wives or intimate acquaintances of their killers.(NCADV Violence Policy Center Annual Report, 2004). It made me feel like shit to read it.
Posted by scyphozoa on May 20, 2009 at 9:07 AM · Report this
47
scyphozoa, Weren't you the one who was just complaining about the silence on the subject? Joking about a sensitive and important topic is, particularly among the drunk, a time honored way to keep it in the forefront and to work through some of the emotional baggage. It is, however, lost on some people.
Posted by Baltimoron on May 20, 2009 at 9:25 AM · Report this
48
Gotta disagree with the yea-sayers. Sure, the answers were funny, but the people who wrote you asking for advice weren't looking for sassy zingers from your drunk buddies--they wanted your advice. Most of your fans seem to have been amused, so your readership won't suffer b/c of this stunt, but that doesn't change the fact that you basically gave your advice-seekers the middle finger.
Posted by El_pingú_de_Vancouver on May 20, 2009 at 9:26 AM · Report this
kitschnsync 49
The Sloggers' advice to the sub dude is way off. Just because he has submissive tendencies doesn't mean he isn't allowed to have control over his sexual choices.

If being cuckolded is a hard limit for him, then he is right to stick by his guns. Maybe he should just have more explicit negotiations with his prospective partners.
Posted by kitschnsync on May 20, 2009 at 9:27 AM · Report this
50
i don't think alcohol and testosterone over ice make for good advice. It just allows people to be brutish and cavalier. Fun maybe but not very professional
Posted by rosecantina on May 20, 2009 at 9:30 AM · Report this
Tina 51
My drunken advice has been used by Dan Savage. Win. I can't wait to show Mom!
Posted by Tina on May 20, 2009 at 9:31 AM · Report this
52
Okay, we get it, we get it. 99 percent of people suck at giving sex advice. But I secretly think and know I'd be really good at it, I swear!
Posted by HN1 on May 20, 2009 at 9:55 AM · Report this
Violet_DaGrinder 53
@50

When has Savage ever claimed to be professional? :p
Posted by Violet_DaGrinder http://www.imeem.com/jukeboxmusic51/music/y1malqpG/prince-the-new-power-generation-featuring-eric-leeds-on-f/ on May 20, 2009 at 9:58 AM · Report this
54
@Jester - though I do not share your specific fantasy/kink, I 100% empathize with the frustration: why oh why is it always pearls before swine? Dude sounds like a control freak and a definite case of topping from the bottom (I offer this thought as a BDSM "top" and a sometimes bi-male "bottom").
Posted by knkycva on May 20, 2009 at 10:10 AM · Report this
55
Oh give me a break. To all the people bitching about the sub guy. Hey, Dan's column is usually about telling people to go out and find somebody campatible to have sex with. Now everybody who answered was grilling the guy for not wanting to sleep with a fat woman who wanted another guy to fuck her? Were all the people who answered on a break from a Lillith Fair concert? As for the Mormon guy....hey, you escaped just in time, you're lucky you didn't have any kids with that fridgid woman. She was smart to kick you out and you would be smart to stay out and find somebody you're compatible with. Most mormon guys and girls get trapped because they get pregnant in the first fewm onths of marriage. Your wife's not wanting sex was a blessing in disguise.
Posted by Cambel on May 20, 2009 at 10:12 AM · Report this
General Jack Ripper 56
OH wow I did not expect my advice to ever end up in a column. Ever. Thanks kokanee. A full 5 percent cup of water. Or 8 or nine. I lost track...........

BTW it was the buying the cow comment
Posted by General Jack Ripper on May 20, 2009 at 10:16 AM · Report this
57
@47 Joking about something in a group in order to get through some "emotional baggage" is one thing. But it's important to recognize that just because something may "help" you, that doesn't mean it's not offensive to others. You can't please everyone all the time, but the "kill her" comment was offensive and incredibly ignorant.
Posted by TeaHag on May 20, 2009 at 10:23 AM · Report this
58
Opinions are like bodies; every asshole's got one.
Posted by Opinionator on May 20, 2009 at 10:29 AM · Report this
59
@58 It's people like you, with your assumptions and generalizations, that have always made me feel excluded b/c of my birth defect.
Posted by El_pingú_de_Vancouver on May 20, 2009 at 11:02 AM · Report this
60
Why did you print the murder thing? It's not funny. I know more than one woman who was murdered by her male partner; in both cases leaving her children behind. That makes me sick.
Posted by youshouldknowbetter on May 20, 2009 at 11:02 AM · Report this
61
I think you might have used better judgment and deleted the murder joke.. not really a funny joke... ever.
Posted by some things aren't funny. on May 20, 2009 at 11:17 AM · Report this
62
WATMDW, you just don't sound like a real, full-on submissive and it feels like you're trying just a bit too hard to be one.

Instead it sounds to me as if what you want is a loving monogamous relationship where the sex is a little bit kinky - and let's face it hour long cunnilingus sessions and a bit of tease and denial are hardly whips, chains, inverted crosses and gimp masks - so I really do mean a little bit kinky.

A lot of women who don't think of themselves as dominant would be up for that on a fairly regular basis, although some of them would enjoy other things from time to time too.

Maybe it would help if you stopped labelling yourself as submissive and your girlfriends as dominant and just thought of yourself as someone who likes to be bossed about in bed a bit.

You just don't sound that kinky to me and I think you're creating your own problem by trying to live up to an image that is not from yourself. You don't have to "come out" as a sub to like having a girl sit on your face. You don't have to be a slave to like having a girl say "not yet" when you're about to come. Fact is, most guys like a bit of that and so do most girls.

Just don't expect it every time, instead ask her about her needs and try to fulfil those too, and you'll find that there are loads of slim, pretty, fit women under 35 who'll want to do stuff with you.
Posted by Come Puppy on May 20, 2009 at 11:19 AM · Report this
63
CISL - not getting enough action after just 8 months? Stop wasting time in that relationship and cut your losses.
Posted by x on May 20, 2009 at 11:20 AM · Report this
64
I understand that you've been doing this for a long time, Dan, and it's nice to take a break and let others dole out the advice, like guest professionals and contest winners. But going to a bar and taping people's problems onto a clip-board so drunks can comment on them? I think that's going over the line. If I were one of the people that wrote to you and had my answer responded to in this way I wouldn't feel good about it at all.

If I wanted to get sex advice from drunks (other than you) then I'd go to the bar and talk to them about it instead of writing to you.

And btw, no, none of the questions were mine.
Posted by Whateva on May 20, 2009 at 11:27 AM · Report this
65
Sorry Dan, I love you but this is a loser. I can read snarky comments by the readers already. Don't do this again. You owe us a column.
Posted by textthatappearsbelow on May 20, 2009 at 11:29 AM · Report this
General Jack Ripper 66
@60 technically you knew them, unless you commune with the dead.
As for the rest of the offended asshats you do realize that a bar on capitol hill is not a bastion of testosterone ridden men. In fact one could make the case that these people who have alternate sexual lifestyles or preferences may provide sound advice without the patience to put up with a bunch of bitching from those who ask for it. but but but but. giv eme a fucking break. Yeah murder isn't funny, but this guy probably doesn't give a shit what his wife thinks at this point. Therefore one could say he is killing his relationship, burying his moronic mormon past and embracing his sexuality.
Posted by General Jack Ripper on May 20, 2009 at 11:35 AM · Report this
67
this was sort of like when the band points the microphone at the audience during a concert. i don't show up to hear the asshole next to me, i show up to hear the band.
Posted by mannikin on May 20, 2009 at 11:45 AM · Report this
68
DAN PLEASE READ THIS COMMENT... I would be really interested to hear your advice, especially regarding the first one.
Posted by johnfromfaraway on May 20, 2009 at 11:49 AM · Report this
69
that was hilarious! please do this again in the future!
Posted by smachine on May 20, 2009 at 12:01 PM · Report this
70
Could you give advance warning the next time you do this? I think this is just the sort advice I need. (Or am I just afraid of getting support? It's prolly easier to be called a whiney arse titty baby than to try to fix one's faults.)

/whine whine whine
Posted by Sili on May 20, 2009 at 12:05 PM · Report this
71
Dan,

Not cool.

Posted by C from MA on May 20, 2009 at 12:07 PM · Report this
krzysz 72
I'd bet that the "eat my lunch" line is a reference to the Monty Python Lumberjack Song.
Posted by krzysz on May 20, 2009 at 12:22 PM · Report this
73
All those answers to the sub guy were stupid. It doesn't make you a bad person to not want to settle for someone old, fat, or demanding you eat cum.
Posted by Sirus on May 20, 2009 at 1:32 PM · Report this
74
It's [sic], not [hic]! 'Sic' means 'thus', i.e. 'that's exactly the way they said it'. 'Hic' means 'this', which is not what you want to say here.
Posted by Sic semper tyrannis on May 20, 2009 at 2:08 PM · Report this
hartiepie 75
"I eat my lunch" means "I can stand up for myself in difficult situations".

And that is why it is used in the Pythons' Lumberjack Song to illustrate how manly a man the 'jack is supposed to be....
Posted by hartiepie on May 20, 2009 at 2:16 PM · Report this
Hyzenthlayk9 76
FWIW: Dan has two declaimers of the "murder is wrong" variety in the syndicated column (and some other changes) - if the Onion's A. V. Club version is representative of how the column appears in non-local venues.
Posted by Hyzenthlayk9 http://oystermind.blogspot.com/ on May 20, 2009 at 2:26 PM · Report this
chukster 77
people are so f'd up, we should nuke the planet and start from scratch, then the only thing we would worry about is eating or being eaten....ugh!
Posted by chukster on May 20, 2009 at 2:42 PM · Report this
chukster 78
people are so f'd up, we should nuke the planet and start from scratch, then the only thing we would worry about is eating or being eaten....ugh!
Posted by chukster on May 20, 2009 at 2:45 PM · Report this
79
I fast forwarded through the pre-face and it read just like any other savage love edition.
Posted by fRankeNP3ni$ on May 20, 2009 at 3:07 PM · Report this
80
this read just like any other edition of savage love. so what i mean to say is, your ideas are a tad bit homogeneous for freethinkers.
Posted by fRankeNP3ni$ on May 20, 2009 at 3:10 PM · Report this
81
SOS:
Yes the door is open, no you shouldn't put her on notice. She's not saying she doesn't want to know exactly what you did with whom on what surface in what costume. She saying she doesn't want to have any idea you are even thinking about slipping out that door for some kink.
Posted by mt on May 20, 2009 at 4:22 PM · Report this
82
@74 I took “hic” as Drunken Latin.
Posted by The Punctuatrix on May 20, 2009 at 4:46 PM · Report this
Geni 83
Oh for heavens' sake, people. Of course people sitting around at a Slog Happy are going to try to go for the answers they think are funny rather than ones that are actually helpful. These people aren't writing to Dr. Ruth, after all, they're writing to Savage Love. I do think it'd be nice if Dan also provided his (slightly less drunken and slightly less snarky) responses, but I also think this should be a regular feature of Slog Happy. I totally want to get to do this myself!

Oh, and the sub guy - extreme much? Why not just tell her no, you're not interested in that? Why does it have to be my way or the highway? Ever hear of negotiation and compromise?
Posted by Geni on May 20, 2009 at 4:55 PM · Report this
Chris in Vancouver WA 84
It was an experiment well worth trying, but, uh...no. However, Dan has said on numerous occasions that there are literally no qualifications for his job, and this proves it. Also, I think drunk people are more inclined than sober people to tell someone The Painful Truth when it needs to be told. Interesting experiment, but not so entertaining. Sorry.
Posted by Chris in Vancouver WA on May 20, 2009 at 5:14 PM · Report this
85
This was really awesome. The only thing that would make this better would be you also putting in your 2 cents, Dan
Posted by assistantrachel on May 20, 2009 at 5:38 PM · Report this
86
@34: There is *a* BDSM group in DC? There are several. There are a lot of kinky folks here in your nation's capitol (surprise surprise).

Barbara Mikulski? Is that you?

Capitol:the building in Washington, D.C., used by the Congress of the U.S. for its sessions.

Posted by nabridie on May 20, 2009 at 5:44 PM · Report this
87
@33 -- my feeling exactly. my response to the sub was "Did you just try 'No' first?"
Posted by idaho on May 20, 2009 at 6:27 PM · Report this
88
And that guy didn't say "I eat my lunch." He said "I eat my lunch EVERY DAY." Big difference. no fucking clue what it means, but it's different.
Posted by idaho on May 20, 2009 at 6:34 PM · Report this
89
"WTF? Get rid of the shit. I'm not talking about 'leaving' her. She's likely to have some of your secrets. KILL HER. Everything you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime, rope, large garbage bags, sympathy card for the family."

possibly my favourite thing ever written on savagelove. EVER.
Posted by cuter.than.a.cupcake on May 20, 2009 at 8:45 PM · Report this
tahneekah 90
advice to the dude that "eats his lunch everyday", dude....

just keep eating your lunch and hopefully you get something new in that special lunch bag.....cause it looks like you'll be eating "lunch" by yourself
Posted by tahneekah on May 20, 2009 at 9:02 PM · Report this
Bonefish 91
Seconding the idea that Dan offers his own advice after entertaining us with the advice of the drunkards. Some of them were funny, but (not to brown-nose) I think Dan is usually funnier. These just sound like they'd be really funny if you were there, but are kind of bland when read online or in the Weekly. Also, he splices his humor with real advice.
Posted by Bonefish http://5bmisc.blogspot.com/ on May 20, 2009 at 10:50 PM · Report this
92
to some of the commenters up there: uh, since when does mr. savage owe us anything? if he stops being interesting, i'll stop reading.
Posted by ic on May 20, 2009 at 11:00 PM · Report this
93
"...I eat my lunch every day. I don't need to be looked after. I'm totally self-reliant..." I took the "eat my lunch" comment to mean that he doesn't need a mommy or a woman who will nag him. However, to me, the fact that he needs to say the same thing three different ways sounds like he's protesting too much.
Posted by DCKathy on May 20, 2009 at 11:26 PM · Report this
Bonefish 94
Since when is feedback the same thing as entitlement?
Posted by Bonefish http://5bmisc.blogspot.com/ on May 20, 2009 at 11:30 PM · Report this
95
Shit was SO cash. Thanks for putting my murder advice in. The list comes from exp.
Posted by Mr. Poe on May 21, 2009 at 12:50 AM · Report this
96
blushingflower, I would happily feast for hours and then when you've had enough quietly collect my things and go leaving you to bask in the aftershocks
Posted by Lost in Merryland on May 21, 2009 at 3:25 AM · Report this
97
blushingflower, I would happily feast for hours and then when you've had enough quietly collect my things and go leaving you to bask in the aftershocks
Posted by Lost in Merryland on May 21, 2009 at 3:29 AM · Report this
98
It almost seems like Dan genuinely believes that "anyone could do this" and he just got lucky getting the job, which isn't true, of course. The reason the column is so popular is that Dan is really good at it. Ugh. If I wanted to read some random asshole's opinions, I could just write something in my head and read it off the inside of my eyelids while drifting into a stupor.
Posted by Send In the Ass-Clowns on May 21, 2009 at 4:40 AM · Report this
99
Two comments...

1. I believe St. Peter actually said "opinions are like assholes - everyone has one and they usually stink."

and

2. It was kinda irresponsible to post that last piece of Slog advice without a BIIIIIIGGGG fucking notice to all the idiots out there in cyberspace that the "murder" comment was merely intended to be humorous. Rather, you opted to add a half-assed "murder-is-wrong-mmm'kay" bit into an area of the column that most people stop reading once they see the words "thanks to."
Posted by amm on May 21, 2009 at 4:53 AM · Report this
100
Two comments...

1. I believe St. Peter actually said "opinions are like assholes - everyone has one and they usually stink."

and

2. It was kinda irresponsible to post that last piece of Slog advice without a BIIIIIIGGGG fucking notice to all the idiots out there in cyberspace that the "murder" comment was merely intended to be humorous. Rather, you opted to add a half-assed "murder-is-wrong-mmm'kay" bit into an area of the column that most people stop reading once they see the words "thanks to."
Posted by amm on May 21, 2009 at 4:57 AM · Report this
101
This was hilarious and reminded me of a column called "Pot Psychology" that does the same thing, but when stoned. Just...brilliant. I love advice given by people at their most blunt. Dan, I loved everything about this column, don't edit any of it, and ignore the stick-up-their-ass haters!
Posted by ShogunWarrior on May 21, 2009 at 5:13 AM · Report this
Fenrox 102
This makes me hate slogers. You people are what is wrong with Seattle.
Posted by Fenrox on May 21, 2009 at 6:17 AM · Report this
103
hah,as always, i'm never disappointed
Posted by copperasmomma on May 21, 2009 at 6:33 AM · Report this
104
This is in response to the person who recommened "KILL HER" to Seeking Orderly Solution, NOT FUNNY! From http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/intimate/vi…
Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S.
For homicides, intimate partners committed —
* 30% of homicides of females.
Posted by enraged fem on May 21, 2009 at 7:56 AM · Report this
105
Seriously, do you guys really need a disclaimer to tell you that murder is a bad thing?
Posted by Come Puppy on May 21, 2009 at 7:56 AM · Report this
106
Seriously, do you guys really need a disclaimer to tell you that murder is a bad thing?
Posted by Come Puppy on May 21, 2009 at 7:56 AM · Report this
107
Seriously, do you guys really need a disclaimer to tell you that murder is a bad thing?
Posted by Come Puppy on May 21, 2009 at 7:56 AM · Report this
Greg 108
I was drunker than I thought.
Posted by Greg on May 21, 2009 at 8:57 AM · Report this
109
I'm afraid I have to agree with the comments saying this was a pretty dickish thing to do...funny yes, but really not in the spirit of trust that these people have written to you in. Shame on you Dan
Posted by Foion on May 21, 2009 at 9:23 AM · Report this
110
What kind of sub doesn't have 'the talk' at before they start playing? Limits should always be discussed first, right a long with safe words and any other expectations. The doms are at fault too, but this guy sounds like such a jerk, that I declare its all on his whinny ass.
Posted by 1nk on May 21, 2009 at 11:42 AM · Report this
111
Dan,
I'm a huge fan. But my trust has kind of been shaken. I know you tear into some folks with questions, but most of the time you explain why the question is either selfish, stupid or insensitive. Doing this allows you to ridicule somone who probably needs it, as well as teach them something. Handing this over to drunks in a bar, as you put it, only allows for the ridicule. I'm disapointed.
Not that it may matter, but I will reconsider asking you for advice in the future if I'm not sure it's going to be you who could answer. Most of us trust your advice as you have a record of making sence and of providing actual advice. "You suck." was not advice. I feel bad for the folks who sent in with real problems (at least to them) and got only insults from boozed up assholes.

Just consider that I may have a point before writing this off.

Posted by Tengu on May 21, 2009 at 12:32 PM · Report this
112
All ya'll who are crying about how the murder comment is "wrong" PLEASE! I am sure every single one of you has joked about or laughed about jokes like this when you were also drunk and/or among friends.

Why is it ok for for stuff like that to be funny when spoken, but OH SO WRONG when printed?

You can't seriously beleive there is some bastard out there who is saying to himself "Well since Dan Savage thought it was ok to print then, Hey, Yeah I'm gonna go for it!"

Get over yourselves and lighten up.

Posted by Ms. Violet on May 21, 2009 at 12:56 PM · Report this
Bonefish 113
I don't think it was a dick thing to do, I just think that it was less entertaining read than Dan's real columns. There really wasn't anything said by those drunks that I haven't heard a thousand times in a thousand bars (MORMONS LOL!!!!!!!!!! XD). Shit that's hilarious when you're drunk at a bar is usually just lame when you're sober and reading a column at work. That's where Dan's humor is better.

Still, I think it was worth a shot, everyone. It turned out kinda lame, but it's a pretty clever idea. I even think he should do it again, but that it would be perfect if he topped it off with his own advice afterwards. Then we get our Salt Lake City jokes, they get their advice, and Dan has a chance to explain to Slog readers (as if they didn't know) that murder is a BAD thing to do.
Posted by Bonefish http://5bmisc.blogspot.com/ on May 21, 2009 at 1:11 PM · Report this
114
110 - A sub that is not a real sub, more a normal guy with the (not uncommon) fantasy of being "forced" to do things that he wants to do anyway.

WATMDW doesn't want to be dominated. He wants to have hot sex with slim pretty chicks in expensive black clothes and live out a knight in shining armour romantic fantasy of love for a woman for whom he'll do "anything" (as long as it's what he wantes to do) at the same time.

And who's to say that's a bad thing. He might be a good candidate for a female led marriage (WATMDW - put Loving Female Authority into Google) or a "Real Women Don't Do Housework" (put it into Google) sort of scene if he can get over himself, but he's not into giving up his power in a way that will see his sense of self transformed.

And who's to say that's a bad thing.

He's just got into the labels of sub and dom because they're the closest he can come to describing the feelings he has and the fantasies he has and the things he likes looking at on the internet.

I do think it's sad that people are so eager to condemn and belittle him though. He has found himself in an uncomfortable place, and the fantasies he has of being "dominated" into doing things he actually really wants to do suggest that he feels ambivalent about sex.

WATMDW, were you given mixed messages about sex when you were growing up, or made to feel that sex was somehow shameful, or maybe you weren't allowed any privacy or your personal boundaries were habitually violated by those who were supposed to support and protect you.

Whatever, you are obviously a person with a high sex drive but I honestly don't think that domination in the way most people understand it is what you want. I think you want the bossing around simply to give you the permission you feel you need before you can have sex.

That's ok. Lots of chicks would be cool with that, but it's not domination.
More...
Posted by Come Puppy on May 21, 2009 at 1:56 PM · Report this
115
I love the math

Dan Savage = 1 Bar full of Drunks

Fitting...
Posted by Jonathank5 on May 21, 2009 at 2:03 PM · Report this
pervygirl 116
Oh man, WATMDW really does suck. I mean, assuming his former Domme suggested rather than insisted about the threesome; after all, he dumped her, not the other way around. But yes, there are sooooooo many "straight" guys out there that would love to bring another guy into the mix for a night like that. She'll have no problem.

WATMDW, on the other hand, is an unaware whiny asshole.

Also: the reasons there are fewer skinny chicks as part of bdsm groups: 1. unlike television, not everyone is super-skinny -- non-skinny people can still be awesome in bed; and, 2. women who are closer to the arbitrary parameters of skinny get swarmed but clueless fucktarded (leotarded?) men. So some women stop wanting to go to those things, or bring a few ACTUALLY HOT men with them as human shields from the ridiculous guys who think they deserve a model-type way out of their league out of some bullshit sense of entitlement.
Posted by pervygirl on May 21, 2009 at 2:26 PM · Report this
117
i don't usually comment on the column but this one was an awesome exception. dan's advice is great but i really like the drunken peanut gallery!
Posted by kallisti on May 21, 2009 at 5:07 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 118
Now everybody who answered was grilling the guy for not wanting to sleep with a fat woman who wanted another guy to fuck her?


A lot of guys here seem to be willfully misreading the letter.

The guy had two, count 'em two, hot chicks willing to fulfill most of his fantasies and were summarily dumped when they suggested they try something different.

The fat chick comment is in regards to the women whom he won't settle for, apparently no matter what those women are willing to do for him in bed.

He deserves the opposite of the curse Dan reserves for people who dump their mildly kinky partners. Those people deserve to get stuck in a relationship with partners into bestiality scat play. This guy deserves to get stuck in a relationship with a woman who will indulge not one of his kinks. That'll learn this dumbass.
Posted by keshmeshi on May 21, 2009 at 5:11 PM · Report this
119
"Where are your social skills, douchebag?" This reply is pretty much the essence of every advice column response I've ever read, either here at Savage Love or any other. Excellent.
Posted by senorglory on May 21, 2009 at 5:20 PM · Report this
120
All things have the potential to be funny.
Posted by senorglory on May 21, 2009 at 5:24 PM · Report this
wench 121
Sweet. Loved the column, I'd be glad to have one maybe every few slog happys. =) For those complaining that people write to Dan for advice... for crying out loud, how many letters never get answered at all? So these guys got goofy answers. They did actually get answers, which is better than nothing.

Plus, they get all the extra comments for free!
Posted by wench on May 21, 2009 at 6:45 PM · Report this
122
I think that, whether drunk or sober, 80% of the questions asked of Dan could be automatically answered, "You and person X are not now, and never will be, sexually compatible. Find someone else."

Another 10% could be simply answered, "Yes, you are going to have to pay for that."

The remaining 10% are what require Dan's skills, insight and knowlege.

I love Dan for that last 10% and yes, I wrote this while drunk.
Posted by babette on May 21, 2009 at 6:54 PM · Report this
123
MORE PLEASE!
Posted by Raches on May 21, 2009 at 7:45 PM · Report this
124
OK, thanks to this post, Seattle has now moved to the top of my "must visit" list, preferably when I can crash a Slog Happy.

Just fix that little problem with the dick in the bars (as in there's not enough of it) and I'll know I've found my new favoritist city in the whole world.
Posted by Corydon on May 21, 2009 at 8:49 PM · Report this
125
Dunno if this will get seen by the LW, but there's a great book called "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. If both he and his wife read it, and then sat down to talk about it, I think they might have a chance...
Posted by sfgirl on May 21, 2009 at 10:22 PM · Report this
126
Dunno if this will get seen by the LW, but there's a great book called "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. If both he and his wife read it, and then sat down to talk about it, I think they might have a chance...
Posted by sfgirl on May 21, 2009 at 10:23 PM · Report this
Goldilocks 127
I agree with keshmeshi except for one point. I don't think this guy deserves to get laid at all. He is obviously an entitled spoiled brat, no women deserves him. I think the only "punishment" right for him is if no women is attracted to him again and the only ones who will offer him some action are really fat gay men.

Overall, I think this experiment kinda sucked. I think people are writing Dan expecting Dan to answer and this was disrespectful. Yes many of the comments were funny, however that doesn't justify it.

Dan, I think you need to answer these people's letters yourself and if the future you choose to have a bunch of drunks answer letters then let people know in advance. Give them the option to indicate if they want to be part of drunk week. Many people probably will and many people won't. I doubt you would have difficulties getting all the letters you needed if you had asked. And shouldn't you be asking BEFORE sharing people's intimate issues? Wouldn't that be something you might suggest to others?
Posted by Goldilocks on May 21, 2009 at 11:29 PM · Report this
128
Dan the Man!! King of Slogs!!
Posted by hijinx on May 22, 2009 at 4:38 AM · Report this
129
Dan the Man!! King of Slogs!!
Posted by hijinx on May 22, 2009 at 4:38 AM · Report this
130
Dan the Man!! King of Slogs!!
Posted by hijinx on May 22, 2009 at 4:38 AM · Report this
131
Dan the Man!! King of Slogs!!
Posted by hijinx on May 22, 2009 at 4:38 AM · Report this
132
Dan the Man!! King of Slogs!!
Posted by hijinx on May 22, 2009 at 4:39 AM · Report this
133
Dan the Man!! King of Slogs!!
Posted by hijinx on May 22, 2009 at 4:39 AM · Report this
134
Dan the Man!! King of Slogs!!
Posted by hijinx on May 22, 2009 at 4:39 AM · Report this
135
Dan, this weeks column is hilarious! Maybe you should try this again in another bar with other funny, opinianated drunks... Maybe you could start a "spin off" column, "Savage Drunks"...
Posted by Halifax on May 22, 2009 at 5:40 AM · Report this
136
The first LW is an IDIOT!

I do not understand how anyone can justify seeking outside relations when they are probably the MAIN reason why their partner doesn't want sex!

Posted by Anji on May 22, 2009 at 7:57 AM · Report this
137
If that sub got CT from the real world in there he could have some pepper in that sauce.
Posted by KodiakBears on May 22, 2009 at 11:22 AM · Report this
138
Hope the pseudo-attention from gay men pretending to be women was worth it, CISL.
Posted by Karey on May 22, 2009 at 11:28 AM · Report this
139
let me take a stab at predicting the content of the next issue:

"i love my monogamy partner but we're sexually incompatible and it's destroying my life. everything would be fine if i could live in a way that even vaguely approximated an authentic expression of my sexuality, but if that happened, everyone would die of dehydration from crying all day long. what do i do about the fact that my happiness lies in a direction which trespasses upon my partner's low self-esteem and abandonment neuroses?"

i yearn for the day when we don't give people a free pass to let their anxiety dominate those they claim to love. but in the mean time: relationship advice!
Posted by dust4ngel on May 22, 2009 at 1:52 PM · Report this
Robin8 140
I'm tired of hearing from men whose wives have lost all interest in sex. Am I the only woman whose husband lost all interest in sex after the wedding? In one of the many fights we had over it, he told me I shouldn't want sex any more. (I was 29 at the time.) He said he married me for companionship. I'm still trying to figure out how he thought we were going to start a family. Fortunately, I DTMF after 4 1/2 years, but I need to make up for lost time. Anyone out there want to swap their cold-as-ice wife for my douchebag ex?
Posted by Robin8 http://shutyoureverlovingpiehole.wordpress.com on May 22, 2009 at 3:13 PM · Report this
urleen 141
re: Mr. Submissive - I agree with the responses. The writer says he has "a submissive side," but also seems to have a control freak side, sexually. As a sexy, aggressive woman, I tried the dom/sub scene years ago - nothing extreme. What I found mostly were men who essentially wanted me to command them to do whatever kink they were bent on. My role was to "force" them. When I refused to comply, but make other demands (nothing dangerous or stupid), I was usually turned down, e.g., after several internet conversations with one guy who swore he'd do anything for me, I ordered him to wear a button down shirt and tie and no underwear under his pants on our first meeting. The no underwear thing was fine, but he whined about wearing a tie: "I don't like wearing a tie." I reminded him that he swore to do anything for me. He said, "I didn't mean things like that." So who's really in charge.
Posted by urleen on May 22, 2009 at 4:00 PM · Report this
142
At once a good column and the worst ever. It only underscores why we need you, Dan, and your wise and well-worded advice. Please never waste our times with what we could get at any old bar. Hell, most of us avoid the bar scene like the plague to avoid people with opinions like the ones voiced here.

Also, for the record, being a sub doesn't mean losing the right to negotiate the rules or ever say no, ever.
Posted by Nate the Great on May 22, 2009 at 8:20 PM · Report this
143
The person who made the comment about the bath and not just saying "let's fuck" is so on the money. If my boyfriend did that anymore he would be getting it daily, instead he sticks with the let's fuck routine and daily it is not. So many men think that women should be ready and willing to please them all day and night but they can't do a simple thing for us, like say foreplay.
Posted by GGirl on May 22, 2009 at 11:56 PM · Report this
144
Please never do this again. Your regular column is so much better; I have my own drunk witty friends and acquaintances.
Posted by jenismo on May 23, 2009 at 2:26 AM · Report this
145
These advice-seekers have legitimate problems and deserve goddamn legitimate counseling, and these people got cheated out of good, wholesome, Savage advice. There are a million assholes out there who don't have a sex advice column FOR A REASON. Normal people are lame, Dan. I can't believe you let them ruin this column. "You suck, the end" IS NOT ADVICE. Please do not try this again!
Posted by CamillaBear on May 23, 2009 at 7:45 AM · Report this
146
Dan, you know you wrote all these, wishing you could say just these things to the stupidest of Q askers. And who could blame you?
Posted by Costuro on May 23, 2009 at 9:56 AM · Report this
147
so if "I eat my lunch" is code for "I can take care of myself" what does the line "I go to the lavatory" mean? My digestion is regular so I'm in generally good health? I jack off so I'm sexually charged?
Posted by kate r http://katerothwell.blogspot.com on May 23, 2009 at 10:42 AM · Report this
148
Where were the misspellings and run-on sentences a drunk person would have surely written?
Posted by mizred on May 23, 2009 at 9:35 PM · Report this
149
@27:
hey stevema14420--

What's wrong with "pleasing the woman"?!?

You are full of shit.
Posted by hijinx on May 24, 2009 at 5:42 AM · Report this
150
That last one was messed up but the others were pretty funny.
Posted by Dan's reader on May 25, 2009 at 2:45 AM · Report this
sirkowski 151
That was the best EVER! (and I'm not being sarcastic)
Posted by sirkowski http://www.missdynamite.com on May 25, 2009 at 12:03 PM · Report this
152
dust4ngel has made a glaringly accurate observation, which makes this little weekly relationship advice exercise either more or less fun, I'm not sure.
Posted by senorglory on May 25, 2009 at 3:04 PM · Report this
153
"Dear Savage Love,
I'm a regular guy trying to please his wife. She's not going for it because she's not in the mood right now, have any tips on how to finesse a proper response from her?"

Dear Disgusting Middle American,
First of all, gross. Vaginas are totally retro and stupid, and they make you a homophobe, you dick. Obviously your wife's a fat, stupid cow, too, and neither of you should breathe anymore because you're obviously a country hick who likes to pork farm animals. I bet you're even a Republican. Go die in a ditch. Lol, I bet there's a ditch on your farm. Go back to your trailer and root for McCain while you get cancer from that steak you wolfed down for dinner (fucking carnivore). Fuck, ten dollars says you're one of those damn born-again Christians. I sincerely hope that you die in a fire along with your other beer-drinking, English-slurring asshole friends.
Sincerely,
Everyone Who Wrote Something In This Article, Dan Savage Included
Posted by Everyone Who Wrote Something In This Article on May 25, 2009 at 10:55 PM · Report this
Christampa 154
Everyone Who Wrote Something In This Article Is Mean.
Posted by Christampa on May 26, 2009 at 3:56 AM · Report this
155
While the slogs were entertaining, I personally prefer your take on things. I recommend your column to the younger generation (early 20s) who don't quite yet understand boundaries and appropriate behaviour in a relationship. I'm always amazed how much people are willing to tolerate because they think it's OK. Your column tells them it's not. So if you want to do this on a regular basis, I hope that's it' infrequent.

Posted by G in Canada on May 26, 2009 at 4:44 AM · Report this
156
Re: Urleen - 141

Thanks for your response. Fantasy BDSM imagery has become so mainstream in advertising and and mass media that people for get that it requires complex communication and negotiation to create (never mind mind maintain) a successful sub/dom relationship, and those that have managed it often forget how difficult it is and become arrogant and condescending to those that are still trying to find their way.

Personally I feel sorry for WATMDW. He doesn't seem at all clear about what he wants - saying he wants to be "completely dominated" by a woman but seeming only to understand that in terms of sex and sexuality.

I wonder how he would react if his "mistress" told him she wanted him to go to the local deli and bring her a chicken and avocado sandwich. I wouldn't want to speculate too much but I suspect it would turn out to be a deal-breaker.
Posted by Come Puppy on May 26, 2009 at 7:30 AM · Report this
hugop007 157
This is so funny to read for a virgin like me.
Posted by hugop007 on May 26, 2009 at 9:26 AM · Report this
158
I kinda agree with what someone else said that it would be awesome if you put your own advice in with the drunken advice. While insanely entertaining (and this is, after all, and entertainment column), I'm sure that most of the people that write in about their problems have gotten the drunken advice of their own drunken friends a thousand times over and wanted to hear from someone who has an idea what he's talking about.

Definitely put more random advice in more columns, but, please, give us an informed opinion as well. :)
Posted by IrisRose103 on May 26, 2009 at 1:35 PM · Report this
owlscowl 159
You Rock my socks off!I think it was very amusing and should happen again, BUT maybe add in your advice too since the letters did come to you? Great Job keep up the good work!!!!
Posted by owlscowl on May 27, 2009 at 12:18 PM · Report this
owlscowl 160
By the Way I loved your Title of this weeks advice,clever :)
Posted by owlscowl on May 27, 2009 at 12:20 PM · Report this
161
So WATMDW has noticed a trend in his relationships. All the women he dates wants some non-monogamy. So why has he not figured out that he should discuss this BEFORE they get serious. Something along the lines of "I really like you, and I love being submissive to you, but in order for this to be a long term relationship, non-monogamy is a deal breaker for me." Who knows, maybe she'd like him enough to agree. This is basic common sense.
Posted by Brie on May 28, 2009 at 10:34 AM · Report this
162
WTF??

Dan, people who write in are asking for YOUR advice, not the drunk opinions of a bunch of a**holes at a bar! It's pretty not-cool to take the honest-to-goodness questions of your readers/fans and allow whomever happened to be in the bar that day answer their questions. If you don't want to do your job, Dan, then quit, but don't subject us to anymore of this garbage!
Posted by FeatherWeight on May 28, 2009 at 11:23 AM · Report this
163
Comment 162 needs to take a chill pill.. like, featherweight is not paying your salary.. shut the fuck up featherweight, some of us like an extra creative Savage-fix every once in a while, and don't freak out if its not the same style. goodness.
Posted by This Disco Music on June 3, 2009 at 10:39 PM · Report this
164
Sic semper tyrannis may know latin, but he's not very smart. It's a play on words. [hic] for [sic] because they are drunk. That's really funny.
Posted by Hank on June 13, 2009 at 11:38 PM · Report this
165
Loved it. Love you Dan.love.love.love and the murder comment was my favourite. loving love! Oh sweet Jesuus, life is too good!
Posted by fiorellafru on June 29, 2009 at 5:59 AM · Report this
XiaoGui17 166
@141 I am so, so sorry. Wow. Talk about topping from the bottom.
Posted by XiaoGui17 on July 16, 2009 at 3:15 PM · Report this
167
I liked this, but I think it would have been better if you had included your advice too, Dan.
Posted by Ginger on July 28, 2009 at 7:43 AM · Report this
168
Wow... Dude says he doesn't want to fuck fatties - something almost everybody can agree on whether they say it or not - and he gets word-raped by every dipshit with a keyboard. Well known fact: NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK FATTIES. Next time, try giving advice in an advice column instead of telling the guy he's an asshole for sharing the same opinions as you, but being brave enough to share them. I got some advice for you: Move out of DC. If the SnM group is that small, and that fat, it's probably scared away others like yourself too. Fat people are just unattractive. You shouldn't be berated for wanting to fulfill your fantasies. Why seek out a sex group that will repulse you? Those comments were bullshit, probably made by the fat whores in that group.
Posted by Sykenbod on January 26, 2010 at 4:20 AM · Report this
169
Subgoloid, he was a subgoloid
And it determined what he would see
And he ate his lunch
And he had a job
And he brought home the bacon
So that no-one knew . . .


Devo, "Subgoloid," unreleased draft

Posted by NT on August 2, 2010 at 3:48 PM · Report this
170
Thanks for explaining that to us @168. Do you find that people want to fuck jerks?
Posted by me55555ee on September 8, 2011 at 9:31 PM · Report this

Add a comment