Due Date is like ground-up turkey beaks. Hear me out.

You know on Thanksgiving when you carve up a turkey and eat all the good parts, and then you take everything else—the bones and the beak and the gizzards and the bunghole and the armpits and the feathers and all the little nubbins of bird mucus—and you just puree it until it forms nice stiff peaks, then add generous amounts of candied fruits and nutmeats, and form it into a creamy log-shaped fruitcake to eat on Christmas morning? Waste not, want not? You know? That's basically Due Date. Except with less compulsive masturbating.

It's like director Todd Phillips noticed that he hadn't made a bajillion dollars lately (whoops!), so he swept up all the scraps of dialogue and rejected gags and second-rate wackiness leftover from The Hangover and churned it through the Play-Doh Spaghetti Factory, and presto! Look, you guys! Spaghetti! No, seriously, it's real spaghetti—I made it fresh for you! Eat it. EAT IT. YOU LOVE IT. THERE'S BEAKS IN IT. GIVE ME A BAJILLION DOLLARS.

I hope you are sitting down, because I am about to break your figurative kneecaps with my surprise shillelagh. Kneecap #1: In Due Date, Zach Galifianakis plays an annoying weirdo (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Kneecap #2: In Due Date, Robert Downey Jr. plays a guy who says sarcastic stuff (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Due to shenanigans that don't make any sense, the two of them wind up in a Subaru Impreza racing cross-country from Atlanta to Los Angeles for the birth of Downey Jr.'s first child. Compulsive masturbating ensues. (Sample dialogue: "I didn't sleep last night." "Well, you really should've masturbated. Because I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby.")

The pair's journey is an uninspired cavalcade of misery, felonies, gross incompetence, Bluetooth humor, and shoehorned ruminations on fatherhood. Obligatory cameos include RZA, Jamie Foxx, Steven Brody Stevens (high five, comedy nerds), and Danny McBride. Galifianakis and Downey Jr. are their usual charming selves and achieve adequate chemistry. More sample dialogue: "Shakespeare. Heard of him?" "Yes, I've heard of him. He's a famous pirate. And it's ShakesBEARD." There are some sweet moments of candid loneliness, some odd moments of man-on-man intimacy, and a couple of truly creepy directorial misfires (Downey Jr. punching a child in the gut left the theater grimacing long after the scene had passed). All in all, the best I can say is that it's better than Dinner for Schmucks. High praise indeed.

Look. As far as off-season comedies go, Due Date is not NOT funny—just like how ground-up turkey beaks are not NOT food. But I would walk, not run, to all-you-can-eat ground-up-turkey-beak day at Claim Jumper's. Or whatever. If you know what I mean. Zzzzzzzzzz. recommended


Comments (14) RSS

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Rev. Adam McKinney 1

That is all.
Posted by Rev. Adam McKinney on November 3, 2010 at 9:14 PM · Report this
SchmuckyTheCat 2
Would it have been a better movie drunk?
Posted by SchmuckyTheCat on November 4, 2010 at 4:02 PM · Report this
jtuohy 3
@SchmuckyTheCat Everything is better drunk.
Posted by jtuohy on November 5, 2010 at 11:29 AM · Report this
Jenny from the Block 4
It looks like a poor attempt to remake Rain Man, except Zach Galifianakis's character isn't autistic... to our knowledge.
Posted by Jenny from the Block on November 5, 2010 at 12:25 PM · Report this
biffster 5

i was thinking 'planes, trains, & automobiles'
Posted by biffster on November 5, 2010 at 1:29 PM · Report this
biffster 6
'last baby she had, came out sideways! didn't make a sound or nuttin'
Posted by biffster on November 5, 2010 at 1:31 PM · Report this
maggums95 7
How did you get a job writing anything? Seriously, are those random interjections of odd noises, "off the cuff" remarks, and general ramblings supposed to be witty? I have to assume you have to meet some kind of word quota, or get paid by the word; because everything I've ever read from you consists of gibberish, and about two sentences in which you actually say something. Maybe I should be more upset with the editor, I mean, they print this crap; on second thought, it is you who barfed all over the page, and they can only do so much with what is turned in. Please try actually filling the space you inexplicably receive with something that somewhat resembles writing. You're not sending obnoxiosly long texts to you're friends here, you're supposed to be a JOURNALIST. I thought you were the photographer or something, maybe you should stick to that; please?
Posted by maggums95 on November 7, 2010 at 8:09 AM · Report this
sevendaughters 8
@7: I like the way you criticised someone's writing by writing really badly. "Meta."
Posted by sevendaughters on November 7, 2010 at 9:16 AM · Report this
bryrizzlewizzle 9
Boo hoo hoo, someone on the internet created a piece of writing that I don't agree with slash don't appreciate stylistically.

I <3 Lindy
Posted by bryrizzlewizzle on November 7, 2010 at 5:47 PM · Report this
Alana 10
Saw it last night and thought it was really funny... feels weird writing this on The Stranger but maybe you need to just relax and watch it? It's not meant to be intelligent comedy it's meant to make you laugh and the packed theater was full of it last night.
Posted by Alana on November 7, 2010 at 8:10 PM · Report this
Lindy is a megazord created out of separate yet equally awesome pieces, and I will BROOK NO DISSENT, o proscriptive genre-ist maggums95. Get with the times, Granny! Lindy is King!
Posted by Caralain on November 9, 2010 at 7:50 PM · Report this
People do that with leftover turkey???
Posted by Amanda on November 9, 2010 at 8:37 PM · Report this
@7 -- Did you stitch those crabbypants yourself or were they sewed by humorless frustrated temps with English lit degrees? Either way, they seem a little tight.

So I made the mistake of seeing this last night. Somehow they managed to make RDJ entirely unlikeable.

They tried to capture the magic of The Hangover, instead they just managed to create the cinematic equivalent of A Hangover.
Posted by Pica on November 10, 2010 at 11:08 AM · Report this
I don't like what you write. You are an ever-so-bad writer. Please write it the way I like it.
Posted by ggg on November 10, 2010 at 3:22 PM · Report this

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