I would love to get your opinion here, as someone who’s married and poly and advises on all sorts of married relationships: Is the institution of marriage a scam?
Context: I’ve been with my partner for nine years. We’re both queer in gender and sexuality, but we pass as cishet. I’m the femme one. We technically have an open relationship, but we’re both lazy, and it’s mostly for if and when the stars align for hot gay sex. We live the late-20s DINKWAD lifestyle. We don’t want kids, but we do want to buy a house. For the past few years, I’ve been thinking that I want to get married, both for the gesture of commitment it conveys (I am a romantic), and because I want to throw a cheap-but-bangin’ wedding and bring all our communities together.
However. My retired parents, who have been married for 31 years, recently notified me that they are divorcing. The divorce was initiated by one parent, but the other is being amicable and cooperative. They’re not seeking couples therapy, they’re just gonna be done with it. I am reeling. I haven’t seen their relationship through rose-colored glasses for a long time, but I had thought that the dissatisfied parent was content to “round up,” as you put it. Instead, some straw broke the camel’s aging back.
I admire the ritual of commitment but right now we are on our own insurance plans, we maintain separate financial accounts, and — barring some horrific accident — we don’t anticipate needing power of attorney for each other in the near future. I also feel a little like the open relationship makes marriage feel more complicated. I advocated for the open agreement initially, in part because my partner had same-sex experiences before we got together and I had not and I wanted to leave the door open. (I still haven’t walked through that door yet.) I know a lot of poly people are happily married, but if one of us were to get involved with someone and realize we wanted to change our lives to be with them instead, marriage would make it harder.
All that said, I love my partner; we’ve been through a lot, and the last year and a half or so of our relationship has probably been the healthiest, happiest, and sexiest yet. We are talking about buying a house. Between my partner, friends, my own therapist, and our couples’ therapist, I have an excellent support system to process my parents’ divorce. Maybe this rejection of the institution of marriage is just me grieving my changing family, Dan, but right now I feel like marriage is a trap sold to us by the Monogamous Romance Industrial Complex. I’d love your perspective.
Sad And Confused Kid Experiencing Divorce
What do you know about marriage now — now that your parents are getting divorced — that you didn’t know about marriage already? While the news doubtless came as a shock, their divorce can’t be the first one you’ve ever heard about. Angelina Jolie divorced Brad Pitt a decade ago; Henry VIII divorced two of his six wives centuries ago; Tiberius divorced Vipsania (under duress) a couple of millennia ago. People have been getting divorced for almost as long as they’ve been getting married, SACKED, and you, the femme one in your cishet presenting relationship, must have known that when you got engaged to your partner, the masc one in your cishet presenting relationship.
And while most marriages are monogamous, SACKED, anyone who reads my column (or has been paying attention to the discourse) knows that not all marriages are. While some people believe their marriages are monogamous when they’re not (and that’s sad), there are tons of people out there in open marriages, SACKED, and half of them have written books about it.
So, just as you already knew some marriages end in divorce back when you got engaged, you already know that not all marriages are monogamous. And while it’s true that most people will assume your marriage (if you go through with it) is monogamous (because most are), SACKED, you already have some experience with people making incorrect assumptions about your relationship that you sometimes have to correct. (You’re so very, very queer but you pass as a cishet couple, right?) People also assume married cishet presenting couples are planning to have kids — and you’re not doing that, so why would have to do monogamy?
Anyway, SACKED, in answer to your very first question: No, I don’t think marriage is a scam. If one person marries another under false pretenses, the person who did the deceiving was a scammer. But just as we don’t blame apartment buildings as a concept when an arsonist sets fire to one, we shouldn’t blame the institution of marriage itself for the bad actions of an emotional arsonist. And while people in open relationships may face an increased risk of being left for someone else, people in monogamous relationships get left for other people — or for no one — all the time.
And, yes, being married does make it a little harder to bolt — for someone else or for no one at all — because divorce means lawyers and paperwork and a date with a judge.
But that’s a feature, not a bug… at least when we’re talking about healthy, good-enough, non-abusive relationships.
A personal example: There was a low point in my marriage where Terry and I were both thinking about ending things. (These were thoughts we were shouting at each other.) But getting a divorce is messy, embarrassing, and expensive — this can’t be a decision your parents took lightly — and we hesitated to take that huge and irrevocable step. Instead, we saw a couples’ counselor. Ten minutes into our first session, our poor counselor risked peeking at us from behind his chair. He told us he’d never seen two people who screamed at each other the way we were screaming at each other that didn’t wind up getting divorced. He advised us to lawyer up or dial it down. We chose to dial it down, and — seven years later — we’re glad that we’re still together.
I can honestly say that my husband and I wouldn’t still be together now, SACKED, if it was easier for us to walk away then. Being married saved our marriage.
Rereading your letter, SACKED, I get the feeling that something else is going on here. Yes, your parents’ announcement was shocking and upsetting, but it feels like some underlying anxieties you already had about getting married — and about what being married would mean to you or require from you — have attached themselves to your parents’ big announcement.
I mean, just the fact you’re your relationship has been officially open (for gay sex) for nine years but that you’ve never once acted on it — no gay sex for you (don’t know about your masc half) — could be a tell. Meaning, maybe the problem isn’t the idea of marriage being shoved down your throats by the Monogamous Romance Industrial Complex, SACKED, but that getting married as your parents divorce is forcing you to face up to what you really want — that is, it’s forcing you to face up to your own revealed preferences where relationships are concerned.
And the big reveal could be this: While you might be queer where gender and sexuality are concerned, you may be more traditional where relationship structures are concerned.
So, I would ask… are you afraid that being married would mean having to be monogamous? Or are you disappointed that monogamy could be what you wanted all along?
I’m a 30-year-old bi guy, semi-closeted. Four years ago, I was outed in my hometown by a close friend and moved across the country to start fresh. Where I live now, I’m “socially straight,” and only a few trusted people know. Three years ago, I joined a martial arts gym and became close friends with a guy very close to my age. We’re both from conservative Catholic backgrounds. We soon became fast friends, texting almost daily, training together, and hanging outside the gym. We’ve both spent months in different states for work, but we text when we are apart and both of us have expressed how we miss each other.
He’s only ever presented himself as straight. Over the years, however, I’ve caught some signals: He once texted me that he was “lying in bed naked” when I asked what he was up to; he’s called MMA fighters “handsome as shit” while pressing his thigh against mine at a bar (I pulled away); he’s made more gay jokes than most straight guys I know; and he hugs me longer and tighter than anyone else. I’ve also caught him staring at me from across the room, and he blushed. Recently, showing him pictures on my phone, I swiped past a selfie and he said “what a hunk.” But he also talks about wanting to find a girlfriend constantly, though little comes of it. And when a mutual friend recently asked if he was looking for a relationship, he snapped, “Well, I’m not looking for a man!”
Part of me thinks he might be closeted or questioning and he suspects the same of me. Part of me thinks I’m projecting because I want him to be interested. I haven’t told him I’m bi because I’m terrified of losing one of my closest friends. I’m torn. Should I come out to him? Risk telling him how I feel? Or am I reading into things because I want them to be there?
Gym Bod Gym Buds
It could be dickful thinking — dickful thinking can never be ruled out — but you should come out to this guy regardless, GBGB, because you’re a grown-ass man and you should be open about who you are with people closest to you. (Also, being closeted sucks.)
Yeah, yeah: This guy has only ever presented himself as straight — but he could say the same about you. He also makes a lot of gay jokes, he talks about wanting a girlfriend, and there was that one time he reacted defensively to an innocent question about wanting a relationship. I’m sorry, but making gay jokes and talking about all the women you would be fucking if you could only find the time to fuck all those women are things closeted guys do to throw others off the scent. My God, telling gay jokes, talking about girls, staring longingly at a certain male friend — these are clichés about closeted gay and bi guys right up there with having a girlfriend who lives in Canada. (Has it really never occurred to you, a closeted bisexual man, that there might be other closeted guys out there?)
Even if he turns out to be straight, GBGB, what do you have to lose by coming out to this guy? An emotionally torturous friendship with a man you don’t really want as a friend — or at least not just a friend. If he’s into men and into you, great! If he’s not into men and/or not into you, there’s a chance you’ll lose his friendship. But why would you wanna be friends with someone who wouldn’t wanna be your friend if they knew who you are and/or how you felt?
And even if he’s straight, GBGB, it doesn’t follow that he’s homophobic — gay jokes notwithstanding — and won’t be able to be your friend after you come out to him. There are straight guys who can take the compliment, give the guy who hit on them some time to prove they aren’t going to keep hitting on them, and not just remain friends, but become closer friends. (For the record: coming out to him ≠ hitting on him. But you’re not just gonna tell this guy you’re bi, GBGB, you’re gonna tell him you’re bi and into him. Rip both those Band-Aids off at once.)
P.S. Guys who make a lot of gay jokes are thinking about gay sex all the time.
P.P.S. If he is gay or bi and closeted, GBGB, he clocked that moment you pulled your thigh away from his — when he mentioned how handsome some MMA fighters are — and it may be why he’s never come out to you.
P.P.P.S. I’m sorry you were outed. It sucks that you didn’t have a choice about coming out four years ago — but you have a choice now. If you never fully come out, one day you’re going to look back on your life and regret the risks you didn’t take for love and/or dick and/or both when you were still young enough to enjoy them. Don’t waste your life, dude.
P.P.P.P.S. And, hey, even if he’s straight… straight boys are made pretty differently these days. (We got an update from Sam and THROAT shortly after they appeared in the column. If you’re still out there, Sam and Throat, we’d all love an update.)
I’m in a relationship of more than 26 years that has not been intimate the last 25. He says for me to play outside of the relationship. We’re both retired and in our late 70s. For me this has never been an open relationship. I’ve never strayed. I have previously been in open relationships (my last two — until their deaths). For some reason I’ve wanted this to be a monogamous relationship, but I’m starved for physical and emotional intimacy. I’m 76 years old and HIV+, my meds have made my teeth break, so my smile is terrible. And to make matters worse, I have Peyronie’s disease and my 8-inch erection is now maybe 4 or 5 inches, when I can get one. I do masturbate, but I have to use pornography and adult toys, and I do always do it alone and in private. I’ve been on apps like Grindr and I get lots of responses because of my face picture. But I can’t follow through with anyone because of what I have to offer. Some guys tell me they don’t care about the age difference and I would always practice safe sex. I’m honest about the HIV. I don’t know what to do. I’ve thought about divorce, but after 26 years that would be awful and next to impossible. HELP.
Desperate To Be Touched
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