I'm a 34-year-old gay male in a new relationship with a 28-year-old bisexual undocumented immigrant. For a year we were friends with benefits, and he wanted more, but I was reluctant because he would say things like "if you are my boyfriend, you need to know I am possessive," and I would back off. I was also co-dependent emotionally with an ex.

Two months ago my ex moved across the country, and as you might guess, I latched onto this guy. I asked him to take me back after I'd broken up with him, and he had stipulations: he wanted to meet my parents (done, even brought him to my sister's wedding), he wanted monogamy (no problem), and now it looks like he wants me to ask permission before scheduling plans with my friends.

He is Latino, and he will say, "I am the man here, you need to ask my permission for things, but I don't need to ask you." (English is his second language, and while he understands well, it's not like I can have a super-nuanced conversation with him.) I balk at asking permission for anything. He hasn't pushed the issue, and sometimes brushes it off as a joke, but last night he said, "I'm serious about this," and I said, "That's not fair." He also said, "I don't want to control your life, just know what you are doing." I said that was fine, but he had to, too. He didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Other possible warning signs: he thinks my dad doesn't like him (not true), he will go through my phone if I let him, he likes to control when we have sex, and he has said he enjoys being verbally mean to people (but never with his boyfriend, he says). He says things like, "Don't ever change with me, like others change with me." He also, uh, likes to put his finger in my belly button when he knows it causes me discomfort.

He hasn't introduced me to any of his friends or family. What family he has here isn't accepting, so they're off limits, and he doesn't have many friends except at a homophobic workplace. He says he's told friends and some cousins about me, but I suspect they might think I'm a woman, or just a friend. But I could be paranoid—I think the language barrier contributes to my insecurity with him.

Now for the good: We have a lot of fun together. We're very affectionate, and the sex is amazing. I generally top, but he's also one of the few guys I get off on pleasuring. In life he's outgoing, unafraid, energetic and active. He has me biking, eating better, and thinking about the future in a positive light. He wants to move out of the small city where we live in and find a new place to live together. (Or so he says.) He's never asked me for money. He reads literature like me, he's educated, he compliments me and has never verbally or physically abused me. (Not that I would expect any different, just listing the positives.)

I know he's not been treated well by family—he was raised by his grandmother after both parents abandoned him and started new families in the U.S., he was sexually abused by an uncle, and he fled Mexico because of threats of violence.

We've talked about marriage (it came up because of my sister's wedding) and at first he said he didn't want to get married because he didn't want me to think he was doing it for citizenship. But later he admitted that his greatest wish with me was to be married. He's also said he wouldn't live with me unless we were married, which he later relented on (but we're not, yet; I haven't offered and he said he's worried he would be fired from his job, as he lives with a family member/coworker). I get the feeling sometimes that he wants to be with me, long-term, but he doesn't have faith we'll stay together, or he's not serious about being with a man.

I haven't been the best to him, I think, but I don't want to be a pushover. That said, I'm getting older, I'm handsome but fat (I've lost 60 lbs., and may lose more, but There Will Be Skin), and I have never been so into a guy. I don't really care that much if he is monogamous, and I don't have reason to suspect he's got another boyfriend, girlfriend, etc., as he spends most nights at my house.

Is there a way I can accept his controlling side, or Pavlov's-Dog him out of it? Is it even serious? I wonder how insecure I would be if I were an undocumented citizen with a language barrier in a country that's possibly about to elect a anti-immigrant president. Or should I just wait and see if he tires of me or crosses a line? I don't think I could just run, because this is a good thing in my life and I would regret the decision. Besides, I can be jealous, too: once he let me run through his phone, and I did, though I don't speak Spanish so that was pointless. (I'm learning, though.)

Boyfriend Life Is Notably Different

DTMFA.

Your partner has control issues, BLIND, just like TBE's partner.

And just like TBE, BLIND, you're going to have end this relationship. I lost count of the number of red flags that flapped past while I was reading — but slogging through your long letter felt like watching a May Day parade go by in Moscow in 1981. Controlling behavior? Check. Unverifiable tales of woe that make him sound like the victim? Check. Going through your phone? Check. Vague threats? Check. Moving to isolate you from family members? Check. Physically abusing you, i.e. doing things he knows cause you physical discomfort? Check.

Of course he's charming. Of course the sex is good. Of course there's a "now for the good" section to your letter. Letters like yours always come with a "now for the good" section. No one would get involved with an abuser if there wasn't an upside, some redeeming qualities, a long list of seemingly good reasons to stick around and hope for the best. The problem, BLIND, is that by the time you realize you've gotta get out—by the time he hits you or his jealously makes your life unbearable or both—you'll be married to this man, living in another city, isolated from your friends and family, and you'll be tempted to give him another last chance because getting out will seem impossible.

So get out now, while it's possible.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.