Let the Hunger Games begin! It's not a real episode of RuPaul's Drag Race unless there's a lip sync, so we get our true season 9 premiere this week with "She Done Already Done Brought It On." (A title combining RuPaul's favorite catchphrase "she done already done had herses" with Bring It On.) Last week's official premiere, "Oh. My. Gaga!" was more of a Lady Gaga Special Episode, since no one went home and the girls were (for the most part) amicable and chill. Not today, Satan! All the girls are catty with the newly reintroduced cu-cu competitor, and there's a Ru-tacular cheerleading challenge that serves true drag Bring It On realness. Want a queen who can be thrown into a candle-stick-cradle-catch-bucket-ariel-deadman? RuPaul serves you 13 14, gurrrrrrl.
Yes, Betty Wetter was right, Cynthia Lee Fontaine returns as the 14th queen of this season of RuPaul's Drag Race. The other 13 girls, who were initially gagging over her return, start this episode by throwing unbecoming shade at Fontaine, who won Miss Congeniality on her season. Here's the thing about Fontaine: people are crazy for her cu-cu (which means her ass, I think), but she's not going to win. Any time spent griping about Fontaine's return is clickbaity and wasted editing. But hey! How many hashtags do you think Fontaine will make this season? Someone make a drinking game.
Speaking of lovable failures, allow me to fangirl for a moment: Lisa Kudrow makes a guest appearance and it's basically only so RuPaul can sing the gospel of Kudrow's show, The Comeback. For those of you who aren't cult queens, The Comeback is one of RuPaul's favorite shows, and Kudrow's character, Valerie Cherish, has inspired RuPaul's catchphrases. (That announcement is in bold, BTW, because I'm very, very excited about Kudrow's appearance. I literally have Valerie Cherish's name tattooed on my body. I'm a stan.) Watch The Comeback. Watch all of it.
Now, real quick, go on this thought journey with me… It’s 2018. You’re taking a quiz on BuzzFeed and it’s titled something like “Which RuPaul Queen Best Personifies Your Inner Fiercosity, MawMawwww?” You take the quiz and you get — not JuJuBee. Not Naomi Smalls. You get… Jaymes Mansfield.
WTF does that say about you? Does it mean you're funny? Misunderstood? A genius masquerading as a sham? No, really, I’m asking you: what does it mean to be Jaymes Mansfield? Because I have no idea. An alternative title for this recap could be:
Like, is Jaymes Mansfield a Pisces? Because understanding her is like trying to read something written at the bottom of a deep well. It's fitting that this episode, Mansfield's shining moment of failure, is the episode Valerie Cherish makes an appearance. Both characters are sincerely batty and include RuPaul among their small group of admirers.
I have no idea what makes Jaymes Mansfield worthy of being on this season of RPDR, but isn't that always the case of the queens who go home first. If you watch Mansfield's performance at the season 9 premiere party, you can see that she's got something going for her... but I'm just not quite sure what it is. Maybe, just like Cherish, Mansfield will get another season with a little time.
WINNER WINNER: Valentina, the unclockable newbie to the drag scene, wins this week with flawless looks and pitch perfect performance.
BYE BYE: Mansfield! Kimora Blac sails through (barely) in a gaudy nautical look.
Strawberry Shartcake, Seattle's new reigning Miss Bacon Strip (and the face of Seattle's smutty dive bar, Pony), caught up with me to play Fuck, Marry, Kill Top, Bottom, Pee On Me with this season's queens. Results:
TOP: "Nina Bo'Nina Brown. I'd stick it in her peach." (Speaking of topping, this personal lubricant called "Boy Butter" was recently banned from airing during RPDR in Chicago.)
BOTTOM: "Sasha Velour. Who doesn't wanna bottom for someone in Philip Treacy? It's the same as bottoming for Grace Jones."
PEE ON ME: "Everyone hates Jaymes Mansfield but I'm just like... pee on me!"
You can see Strawberry perform on Saturday at ArtHaus 3.0: RuPaulooza and Sunday at 7 Deadly Queens. (Full Disclosure: I'll also be performing at ArtHaus on Saturday. I'm wearing bricks as heels. It's a whole new kinda death drop.)
