david lasky

"What The Hell Is Frottage Anyway?," September 27, 1993

Hey, Faggot:

What the hell is frottage and where can I get some? If you don't answer my question, I'll stay awake nights watching info-mercials.

Stupid In Seattle

Hey, Stupid in Seattle:

There's no such thing as "frottage." It's a word I made up. I wanted to see how many letters I would get asking me what "frottage" was after I introduced it in my column. Originally, I was going to make up a definition—something like "Frottage is the act of making charcoal rubbings of your lover's genitals"—but my conscience got the best of me and I'm coming clean; there's no such thing as "frottage."

[Ed. Note: Dan has often been known to lie to stupid people in his column.]

"Dan Landers," March 16, 1992

Ann Landers writes an advice column that appears in daily papers across the country. Since I know my readers are way too hip to waste their advice-seeking time on ol' Ann, you might have missed her column last Sunday:

"Many straight people believe homosexuality is a curse and that gays are mis­erable. Some homosexuals may agree with them. I, however, have heard from gays who consider homosexuality a 'special bonus.' So let's settle that question once and for all. I'd like to ask the gay community how it feels about this."

"To every homosexual who is reading this: Please send a card to Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562 and write either 'Yes, I'm glad I'm gay,' or 'No, I would rather be straight.' I will announce the results in a few weeks."

Ann is a fellow advice monger, and out of professional courtesy, I've decided to help her out. Clip the coupon at the bottom of this week's column. If you're queer, check the "I'm glad I'm queer. I wouldn't be straight if you paid me" box. If you're not queer, poor thing, check the "I'm not queer, but I wish I were" box. Then put the coupon in an envelope and send it off to Ann. Do it right now.

"Do the Santorum," May 29, 2003

It feels like a million years ago that Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) told a reporter that he hoped the United States Supreme Court would uphold anti-gay sodomy laws and compared consensual gay sex to incest, bigamy, adultery, and "man-on-dog" sex. There was a mini uproar, of course, with gay groups calling for Santorum's head and anti-gay groups defending Santorum. For his part, George W. Bush called Santorum "an inclusive man"—and for once Bush was right.

Santorum is inclusive: Straight people don't have a right to privacy either, according to the equal-opportunity killjoy. He doesn't even think straight people have a right to use contraception.

Alas, the Santorum scandal didn't have legs. In fact, most of us—myself included—had already moved on when a Savage Love reader wrote in to say that he didn't want to see the Santorum scandal fade into political oblivion. SARS (Sex and Rick Santorum) suggested that we name a sex act for Santorum, "[so that] this episode will never be forgotten."

I thought it was a super idea and asked my readers to nominate sex acts for the honor of being known as a "santorum." Nominations poured in—more than 3,000! I rejected some of the suggested sex acts for being too broad (oral sex), others for being too rare (man-rimming-dog), still others for being completely fictional (donkey punching, dirty sanchez). I also eliminated nominated sex acts that already have perfectly good names (fisting, felching, rimming, scat). What follows are the real contenders. The final decision rests in your hands, Savage Love readers...

We have some excellent options, Savage Love readers. What shall "santorum" mean? Making a human uppercase "A"? Public sex? Farting in the face of someone who's rimming you? A double rim job? An orgasm induced by anal penetration alone? A new euphemism for condoms? Foul discharge? That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter? It's up to you, folks. E-mail your votes to me. In two weeks' time I'll announce the winner.

"Gas Huffer," June 12, 2003

Hey, everybody: We have a winner. Savage Love readers, by a wide margin, want Sen. Rick Santorum's name to stand for... THAT FROTHY MIXTURE OF LUBE AND FECAL MATTER THAT IS SOMETIMES THE BYPRODUCT OF ANAL SEX! It was a landslide for that frothy mixture; the runner-up, farting in the face of someone who's rimming you, came in a distant second. So congratulations to WUTSAP, who nominated that frothy mixture, and a big thank you to the thousands who voted.

But now that the votes are all counted and a winner has been declared and the cheering has stopped, I see a problem. While everyone who has anal sex has to confront a little santorum now and again, no one likes to think about santorum, much less discuss it. A polite buttfucker says nothing about santorum to the embarrassed buttfuckee, and vice versa. They just get up and clean up. Since people don't discuss santorum even with people they've covered with santorum, getting the word into general use is going to be tricky. I'm willing to do my part, however: Please send me your santorum-related questions and/or santorum-related memories and I'll do a column or two on santorum. This will not only help to get the word out and into general use, but also help break the silence about santorum."

On Pegging: "We Have a Winner!," June 21, 2001

After all, this is serious business: What term, from this day forward, will be the commonly accepted slang for a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo? Three candidates stood in this election: bob, for Bend Over Boyfriend, a popular series of "how to fuck your man in the ass" videos; punt, for kicking the ball to the other team; and peg, for a device once used to, uh, keep the butts of some very unlucky boys gaping open. Thousands of people took the time to cast ballots (12,103 to be exact) and many included impassioned pleas for their favored candidate along with their votes.

...And now, the moment you've all been waiting for... THE WINNER! In what can only be regarded as a stunning upset, my favored candidate, bob, came in dead LAST. Out of 12,103 votes cast, bob received only 2,721 votes (22.5%). In second place, with 4,166 votes (34.5%), was punt. And in first place, with 5,216 votes (43%), was peg! Peg is the winner!

On GGG (Good, Giving, Game), "Sweet'N Low," January 8, 2004

I'm not running your letter for the small number of pee-lappers out there reading this. I'm running it to give hope to all the young, single people who read letters from unhappy, sexually frustrated married people in my column and then write to ask if there's something about being married that destroys your sex life. No, kids, there isn't. You can be married and enjoy an exciting, mutually pleasurable, wildly adventurous sex life—provided, of course, that you have the good sense (or the good luck) to marry someone who's good, giving, and game, and that you and your partner are both willing to be open and make compromises.

The Campsite Rule, "Boys 2 Men," June 16, 2005

Older folks who mess around with younger folks have a special duty, TT, and it is to leave 'em in better shape than they found 'em. You don't make babies, you don't give 'em diseases, you don't lead 'em to believe that anything lasting is going to come of this. You answer their questions, correct any misconceptions they may have about sex, show them where the clit is, make sure they know that birth control is their job too.

"Leaky Pipes," June 3, 2004

If your McJob isn't in a McSchool—if you're not a teacher or a coach—the law in your state is clear: You can fuck your young coworkers senseless, DOM, so long as the sex is consensual. But remember the first rule of sleeping with legal teenagers: Younger sex partners are like campsites, DOM. You should always leave 'em in better condition than you found 'em. Don't knock 'em up, don't give 'em STDs, and don't mislead 'em about the long-term possibilities (which are nil). Make sure they're having fun, be open and accommodating, and combat their youthful ignorance about sex by answering their questions.

Monogamish in "Correcting the Record," November 19, 2010

My husband and I have never had a threeway with a "stranger," Porno Pete. But if you prefer to picture the two of us getting with hot, sweaty, well-hung strangers when you're drafting a post/rubbing one out/living vicariously though us, go for it.

As for my marriage—my monogamish marriage—it's lasted twice as long as Ronald Reagan's first marriage, longer than all but one of Newt Gingrich's three marriages (and soon it will have lasted longer than all three of Newt's marriages), and much, much longer than any one of Rush Limbaugh's four marriages.

So forgive me, Porno Pete, but I kinda maybe think the two of us—me and the husband, still crazy in love after all these years—just might be doing something right. recommended

More Savage Love from The Stranger’s 25th anniversary Issue: Relive the very first Savage Love column, find out what saddlebacking is in the SL glossary, and read up on how Savage Love has changed the way we talk and think about sex.