Swoon! It’s Ira Glass, off his perch at This American Life, to join Dan in dispensing both sex advice and fart jokes.
It’s Ira as you’ve never heard him before…
Don’t miss this one.
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TRANSCRIPT CONTINUES FROM @52:
MALE CALLER: Hi Dan. I’m a straight, 24 year old male and I’ve got one for you. I was in a meeting with new colleagues at a theatre up here in Oregon and we were discussing – it was kind of a team building / ensemble building meeting – and we were talking about ways to bridge conversations and start conversations about class and gender and race and sexuality. Well I brought up that as a homosexual man, I don’t think about sexuality as much as I think about gender and race because those are things that we can see. Of course I’m not a homosexual man, I’m a heterosexual man. I misspoke, and didn’t realise it until the meeting was over.and I was in rehearsal later that day. And so I thought about it and I was wondering – you know – should I call people, should I tell people, should I let people know on a need to know basis –
IRA: Pause it a second. So wait. He’s saying he needed to come out as straight to his co-workers?
DAN: Yeah. He accidentally came out as gay, and now he needs to walk that back [Ira laughs] How often does that happen that a straight guy misspeaks and says he’s a homosexual?
IRA: In a group setting, with people who then he ever sees again
DAN: That he sees all the time, who are all in the theatre, and then he has to walk this back.
IRA: Wow. And also, he’s actually working in a setting where heterosexual is lower status.
DAN: [Dan laughs] Where they are the oppressed minority group in the theatre.
IRA: That’s exactly right. That’s exactly right.
DAN: Where he’s very likely to be straight bashed if he should try to walk this back and come out as a heterosexual now. [Ira laughs] So let’s hear his question.
MALE CALLER: – [??] this morning, and so I wanted to know, just some advice from you. It’s already become kind of an issue – a couple of people have contacted me to see if I’m interested in participating in LGBT theatre and while I am, I feel the need to tell them now I misspoke. I don’t know if I should nip this in the bud or tell people as they come to me and contact me.
DAN: This is pathetic. This call is pathetic. [Ira laughs] Only a straight guy who worked in the theatre would be wringing his hands about this and wondering what to do – and even be hesitating at all. He’s so terrified of –
IRA: You’re saying that if he were any other straight man except for one in the theatre he would simply come out and tell people –
DAN: He’d go “oh! wait shit, fuck, what?” The minute someone said ‘You want to go to the gay bar later – we’re going to go, like, suck some penises’ he’d have been like ‘wait, what, what? I’m totally straight. I misspoke’, but he’s like worried about how coming out as straight is going to be received by his colleagues who’ve identified him as one of the queers in the company.
IRA: Yeah, yeah.
DAN: It’s charming. It’s very sweet. These are new model straight guys who would even think about this for a moment.
IRA: I think what he has to do is pretty clear. I feel like he has two obvious choices, and one is he has to start banging some actress in the company [Dan laughs] and because it’s a theatre company everyone will know within an hour after it happens, and that’ll kind of put everyone’s mind –
DAN: And that will elevate him to bisexual, but how does he get all the way back to heterosexual [Ira laughs]
IRA: Yeah that is the problem. Well to do that he has to try the second strategy, and from watching Glee I understand that in a theatre setting, if you want to get this across he has to do it in song [Dan laughs]
DAN: Yeah – cos there’s nothing straighter than bursting into song. [Ira laughs]
IRA: I’m just saying, and so he needs to either put together some sort of sketch or something, or a song, or somehow create a setting where in a theatrical way he can let everybody know. You know those embarrassing things that you say without realising that you say –
DAN: What would that number be? Anything off the top of your head? You’re gay right? You should be able to have some [Dan snaps his fingers] You’ve dealt with this problem once or twice in your life – you’ve ever been in an environment where people assumed you’re gay –
IRA: I have been, I know, I know, online, online there was a period –
DAN: Your Manhunt profile – people are always assuming you’re gay when they find your Manhunt profile, right?.
IRA: Exactly, no, no, there was a period online when I got married and kind of the word of it spread, there was, there was a whole, there was a period where we would get emails and then I would see online like – “why does Ira Glass like pretend this beard thing? why does he pretend, like why does he go through the facade of pretending to be straight” and I remember one especially, it was like “who is this wife character..” [Dan laughs] “..that Ira Glass refers to – who is this ‘wife’ character?”
DAN: [Laughing] Like it was a performance art piece. Would you like to –
IRA: Come out as straight?
DAN: No, no – wait, Anaheed exists?
IRA: Exactly.
DAN: I’ve met Anaheed, I assumed she was an actress hired for the occasion. So this guy should just say that he’s straight. As a straight guy – straight guy to straight guy, tell this –
IRA: Yeah, man up bro. Man up. Man up; And I feel like you’re in an environment where people say the wrong thing and it’s embarrassing and it should turn into, like a very humorous – this is your good humorous story of like “Oh my god I said something dumb and then didn’t realise it and now I’m trapped” and this is a good story to tell at, like, a cocktail party, and all he has to do is get drunk with one person and confide in them.
DAN: He could be the only guy in America with a “I’m not straight but my girlfriend is” t-shirt. [Ira laughs]. Right, we’ve all seen the “I”m not gay but my boyfriend is”? – he can make an “I’m not straight but my girlfriend is”.
IRA: That would be a good way to do it too.
[COMMERCIAL FOR EXTREMERESTRAINTS.COM REPEATS]
TRANSCRIPT CONTINUES FROM @54
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[THIRD CALLER]
CALLER: Hi, Dan. I am a 28-year-old married woman. My husband and I have been together about seven years, and he’s… Fantastic. The only thing is that, you know, I’ve been listening to your podcast for probably a year or two…? And it’s really opened my mind, or at least, made me realize that things I may have been wanting weren’t so crazy. Like, maybe… You know, sleeping with some other guys, which is what I’ve really been thinking about lately. I mean, our sex life is fantastic, like, we’re such a good pair, but I just somehow feel like I’m missing out on some sexual experiences. And I just… I want to be safe, I want to sleep with other guys, but the thing is that it literally freaks the shit out of my husband if I bring up anything like this. I think I may have married a serial monogamist. He gets totally freaked out if I bring up anything about monogamish or, you know, like, open relationships… That just does not even compute. So. I guess my question is, what do I do? Do I just keep this as sort of like, as a fantasy? And just play it out in my mind and see how much fun I can have with it? Or do I try and bring it up to him again? Try and talk his own language? I kinda feel like I’m at a little bit of an impasse, but maybe you have some insight for me.
DAN: Would you like to tell her to go ahead and cheat on her husband or shall I?
IRA: [pause] You’re going to tell her to cheat?
DAN: No! No, I was just trying to trick you into saying it.
IRA: [pauses again] No, I don’t think she should cheat.
DAN: You don’t?
IRA: No, I actually think that –
DAN: This goes to the heart of what you were saying about your mom and her research earlier –
IRA: Yeah.
DAN: – that, there’s nothing wrong with her marriage, she loves her husband, she says the sex life is “fantastic,” but she wants to fuck somebody else. That’s what marriage has sort of constructed… understood… can’t deal with, doesn’t know how to… That desire for variety, that desire for different – she says, “these experiences I’ve missed out on, I want to have,” – those are at war, that desire is at war with the commitment she made to her husband.
IRA: Yeah.
DAN: And she can’t have both.
IRA: I mean, you know, the fact is that a marriage is the rules that you agree on? Right? So, she would need to convince him that this could be okay. I think the one thing she shouldn’t do is cheat on him, and I actually think that – My mom said that the infidelity isn’t actually the sex, the infidelity is confiding, that you’re confiding in somebody else besides your partner, somebody else knows you better. Like you trust somebody else more with the truth about you than you trust the person who you’re supposed to be closest to. Like… That’s the real thing that actually rips people apart. And so, if you want to stay together, if you like being married, if you like that experience and the other parts of it, then I think it’s really destructive, and…
DAN: And I agree, I do –
IRA: So, I think –
DAN: She would have to renegotiate the terms of the commitment that she made. She – When she married seven years ago, she made a monogamous commitment.
IRA: Yeah.
DAN: Maybe she shouldn’t have that commitment, she knows herself better now. (Perhaps.) There are people who make monogamous commitments who are incapable of monogamous behavior for the long term. They should hopefully realize that about themselves before they make the mistake of making a commitment like this to someone who CAN make that kind of commitment and stick to it. But, now –
IRA: I think –
DAN: – she’s in the position of either sucking it up and experiencing these things through fantasy, which millions and millions of married people do… Or, renegotiating terms with her husband, and he doesn’t sound down with it at all.
IRA: Yeah. Yeah, I wonder if there’s some version of it that would be – that would make it more attractive to him, that is, if it’s clear that, like, he gets to sleep with other people too… Though he doesn’t seem like the sort of person who wants that.
DAN: And some people that want that –
IRA: Which I take to be code for “she’s cuter than he is.”
DAN: [Laughs.] Well, it’s always easier for women to get sex, cute or not.
IRA: Right.
DAN: And, you know, I get letters everyday from male-female couples who have opened their relationships or are in open relationships, and she can find a dude who will fuck her by walking out of the house, and it’s very hard for a married man – in an open relationship, where everything is above-board, even if the wife is willing to, like, say, “Yeah yeah, it’s fine with me!” – to find a woman who is okay with that, single or married.
IRA: I also think that, though… I think it’s a tough thing, truly, because I think that, even if her husband said yes, I actually think that agreeing to have an open marriage is a really – it can be a really dangerous thing because you do get attached to people. And, it’s funny, I just interviewed somebody a couple of days ago… But anyway, he was in a situation where he was involved with somebody for thirteen years, they were perfectly happy, and they got involved on their third day of college… And after thirteen years, they saw their friends marrying off, they’re 31 now, and they’re just like, “Well, why… How come we never… Why haven’t we ever talked about being married?” And they have the kind of relationship where they’re very good friends, they could talk about anything – could talk about ANYTHING – in a way that… I don’t know, which seems really nice. And the girl in that relationship was like this woman, and she says, “Well, I just think, like, before I get married, I wanna have more sex. I wanna have sex with more different people. Like, it just seems weird to just, like, lock that up for the rest of my life in this pledge.” And he’s like, “You know, actually, that makes sense to me,” and so they agree to take a rumspringa for a month –
DAN: And it destroys the relationship.
IRA: It does destroy the relationship. Yeah. And what he says that what happens is that… That trying to… Even on the mission that he was on, which was, “I have a month to have as much sex as I can,” – which then extended to two months and then three months – and apparently it wasn’t very hard, like, as a young, single person in New York City for him to get a lot of sex with a lot of different people –
DAN: No.
IRA: Yeah. He says, basically… Anyone in New York can have sex any night they want, all they have to do is stay in the bar and lower their standards. [Dan laughs.] But he said –
DAN: New York City, where even the straight people are gay people.
IRA: Kind of. Yeah, it’s funny, I’ve only lived here as a married person, so I didn’t really know that… But anyway, so he said, basically, he found it impossible to separate it, he said going out and looking for sex and looking for sexual experiences… He was somebody who just by whatever personality he had, wasn’t able to do it without his feelings getting all caught up in it in a way that confused his feelings for the, you know, for the marriage that was coming, for marrying this woman… And –
DAN: And she was able to? She had some flings and wanted to –
IRA: No no, I think –
DAN: – get back together, or they both attached to new persons?
IRA: What’s funny [is], I haven’t interviewed her yet. HE says that she had the same feelings, but I don’t know for sure, and I don’t know if she’s going to agree to be interviewed. But –
DAN: But they’re no longer together.
IRA: They’re no longer together, they did break up –
DAN: Maybe they shouldn’t be, though.
IRA: – and there’s a famous couple named –
DAN: Maybe they shouldn’t be together, maybe –
IRA: No no, he says that’s it’s right, he’s glad that they didn’t get together. He said actually that this was their way out, and that they shouldn’t have been together.
DAN: Okay, so it wasn’t that the infidelity or the opening it up destroyed a relationship that would’ve gone the six-decade distance, it was… The opening up was their way out –
IRA: It let him see the reality, you know, it was the out that they needed. So maybe that’s actually an instructive thing for her [the caller], that that’s another possibility of what’s happening, it’s that she shouldn’t be with this guy, but I feel like all these various questions we don’t have the answers to –
DAN: Yeah.
IRA: – from this call…
DAN: Yeah. See, I listen to questions like this, and half the time what I hear is, you know, it’s either going to be the end of the relationship or the savior of the relationship, opening it up, because people will sabotage their relationships. Sex is too powerful, sex is, you know, a half a billion years older than we are… This idea that we have sex? Bullshit. Sex has US. And if your relationship is at war with your desire, it’s like set up in this way that’s just, you know, built for conflict – as opposed to, you know, the relationship being something that makes things happen for you, that helps you realize your potential sexually – that relationship is going to end. Because YOU’RE going to destroy it, consciously or subconsciously, you’re going to explode it to get out, if there’s something that you want… And everybody makes sacrifices, and everybody, even in open relationships, doesn’t get everything that they want, that’s not what it’s about. But, somebody who feels the way that she feels about sexual variety is going to start looking at her husband as, “That’s the reason –“
IRA: “He’s the problem.”
DAN: “– why I’m sexually unfulfilled. If he was gone, I wouldn’t have this problem.” And if he values the relationship more than sexual exclusivity, maybe they can hammer out a deal. But if he values sexual exclusivity more than the relationship, then it’s over, and then it should be over, because I don’t think she sounds like she’s cut out for monogamy. And she’s either gonna cheat or she’s going to leave.
[pause]
IRA: You know, when you lay it out like that, I feel like it sounds very logical, and I feel like, “Well, of course, what you’re saying is right,” but there’s some part of me which feels like, “Surely there are some people for whom, like, repression is working,” you know what I mean? And you know, like, the other thing is that she could just suck it up… And, like, you know, she began her whole thing how fantastic this guy is, that’s her lead, and maybe that’s just her cover story so she can actually – that’s what she has to say so she can say the truth that then follows, she has to begin with this sort of like half-truth, like, “It’s fantastic, we have this great sex, you know, we have this great relationship.” But if, in fact, if it’s fantastic, and they actually have a good sex life, and she actually really loves him, and she actually gets all these other things that are harder to find than sex with another person… Then… I don’t know. Like… Maybe I’m just older than you or something? [Dan laughs.] But I just feel like –
DAN: You’re not THAT much older than me!
IRA: I know, but I just feel like, well, I don’t know, how important is sex to you? Maybe just suck it up. I don’t think that sucking it up is a crazy option forever. You know, like, I think that, for some people, that actually is the right choice.
DAN: Well, there’s sucking it up that goes on in open relationships, eventually we have to acknowledge that sucking it up is probably the wrong choice of words or phrase for this conversation… [Both laugh.]
IRA: But you in fact would not be sucking it up, you would be, the sucking would be –
DAN: It would be unsucking, it would be sucking it down, or something.
[Both laughing.]
IRA: Yeah, exactly!
DAN: But there’s sucking up that goes on in open relationship. Again, you don’t get everything you want, it’s usually a very tensely negotiated, mutually acceptable limitation still…
IRA: I think what you’re saying is sensible, she can negotiate it with the husband, and I think the husband… In a way, what you’re saying is, the husband has to suck it up, like, if he wants to keep this girl, and if he wants to keep this marriage, he has to take it seriously, and let himself be open to this possibility.
DAN: The only thing that I would add is that there’s nothing about this problem that needs solving right now. But she’s had this conversation with the husband, it sounds like, or if she hasn’t, she should. And then say, “But I’m not going to do [it].” Like, enjoy the awesome sex, enjoy the marriage, enjoy the relationship, and put this before him. And you should frame it as, “I wanna fuck other people. EVERYBODY wants to fuck other people, YOU wanna fuck other people. Be honest with me. Being in love, being married, having a monogamous commitment – it doesn’t mean you DON’T wanna fuck other people, it means you DON’T fuck other people, but you still want to. And, going forward with this marriage, how are we going to deal with that want-to stuff? And what you want is, ‘it doesn’t happen,’ but I can conceive of situations under which it could happen.” And this is a long-term conversation, because… Anyway, we shouldn’t keep talking, we have a couple more calls to do.
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[FOURTH CALLER]
Best Savage Love Podcast ever! I don’t usually have a crush on Ira Glass, but there was something about hearing Ira say “cock” and “blowjob” that got me hot. More Ira, his big brain, and his velvety voice, please!
Best Savage Love podcast EVAAARR! And that is saying something. Dan Savage + Ira Glass = pure genius, and comedy gold.
Why did you guys censor my comment? I’m trying to imagine how it could have possibly violated any rules or policies.
It would be entirely reasonable for you to disagree with me, and explain why you think I’m wrong. I could even endure being called nasty names by other posters, like 16 and 20. But I put some serious thought into that comment, and you just chucked it down the memory hole. That’s not very nice, and it’s not very liberal.
Thank you Nancy, for the clarification, because that bit of the podcast left a seriously bad taste in my mouth, and made me question a lot of my views on Dan and his character. I thought he was kidding at first, but the tone of his voice never changed and he just came off like he was completely serious, and Ira’s surprised muttering as he responded to the “revelation” just reinforced that idea. Guess radio can be a tricky medium for portraying sarcasm.
Continues from @55
[FOURTH CALLER]
FEMALE CALLER: Hi Dan, I have a question but I should probably give you some background.information about me first. First of all, I’m a virgin. When I was really young I was sent to an all girls Christian boarding school, and as you can imagine, it was very strict and I never had any opportunity to experience, to experiment sexually. I didn’t leave the school until I graduated high school there, and since then I’ve had many opportunities to try sex, but I just didn’t claim them. I never had an interest in sex and I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, but I heard about human asexuality, so now I identify myself as an asexual. I also have a passion for helping people, especially children who have felt abandoned or unwanted. My dream is to establish an orphanage that gives these children special secular education and a good chance at life. Of course this costs a lot of money. Also I am in my third year of college and that is also expensive. I found out on the internet that a girl can sell her virginity for over 1 million dollars. Of course I plan to do this legally. I may be asexual but I’m willing to go through the motions and sell my virginity so that I can [???] my dream. I wouldn’t like [???] with a charity because I value self sufficiency and I don’t like asking for money, so my question to you is, what is your opinion of prostitution, specifically just one shot at prostitution like selling virginity. My biggest concern is safety, because I know I will be going to maybe the Bunny Ranch in Nevada to make the transaction and I just wanted to make sure that it will be safe – and even if it isn’t safe I’m willing to risk it, just for a chance to fulfill my dreams.
IRA: Wow.
DAN: Crazy. First of all I did a little googling, also known as research, and most of the people who’ve gone on line to auction off their virginities – they’re not pulling in a million dollars.
IRA: I was going to say, that number seemed very, very high.
DAN: Optimistic
IRA: What’s the going rate?
DAN: The numbers that I saw for people who had successfully – and made a big media splash out of it – 35, 40, 60 thousand dollars – you’re not going to fund your education and start –
IRA: An orphanage.
DAN: An orphanage, by auctioning off your virginity, I’m sorry to say
IRA: Well if you do it just once – but if you do it thirty times [Dan laughs] then you have a shot.
DAN: Cos you have to reclaim your virginity.
IRA: Different names, whatever. Basically you’re going to have to sell off your virginity thirty or forty times to get a million dollars is what we’re saying.
DAN: And I don’t think you’re willing to do that. I don’t think you should do that. But interestingly,there’s all this debate about prostitution in Nevada, constantly, you know, if you were actually thinking of doing this in a brothel in Nevada you’re actually safer in an environment where prostitution is legal, safer at a brothel, where there are bouncers and there’s not been one HIV infection traced back to a prostitute who worked legally in a brothel in Nevada. There’s research into it. So if you contacted a brothel and you want to organize some sort of auction online, an auction of your virginity and there’s a brothel in Nevada that’s willing to work with you, your physical safety – you know, nothing’s a 100% guaranteed – but it’s safer than trying DIY it yourself on the side. But you’re not going to make a million dollars.
IRA: What you’re talking about isn’t prostitution, what you’re talking about is that Robert Redford movie, Indecent Proposal [Dan laughs] which is like the stupidest movie, you know what I mean? – the couple, the husband wants to pay the wife a million dollars to bang her for one night and you just feel like – well take the million dollars! [Both laughing]
DAN: That you would sign off on? If someone were to offer Anaheed a million dollars you’d be like ‘Well – a million dollars – we could start an orphanage’
IRA: [Laughs] That’s exactly what we would do with it too.
DAN: For gassy dogs
IRA: [Laughing] Precisely. Yeah, yeah, she would sign up for it too. I think that’s in our deal You know – you have celebrities who you are allowed to sleep with if you ever encounter them, because you’ll never encounter them and then well you know, sure, if anyone ever offers either of us a million dollars to bang them, I feel that goes down very easy between us.
DAN: But you know, we don’t want to make this caller feel bad. You know, it’s a nice impulse, if you’re asexual and you don’t intend to be sexually active and sexuality doesn’t mean anything to you and your virginity doesn’t feel particularly significant because you’re never going to be in a sexual relationship with anyone, to want to leverage this culture’s obsession –
IRA: I don’t see anything wrong it.
DAN: – to pay for your education, I don’t see anything wrong with it,so long as it’s safe, but you’re not going to make a million dollars, you’re not going to make a million dollars – but you could make 30 grand, you could make 40 grand, you could pay off your college loans. The other thing though is you’ll have to be public. People who auction off their virginities show their faces. So, it sounds like your from a conservative background, you went to a Christian university –
IRA: You want to start an orphanage for children.
DAN: This isn’t going to be something you can do with no photo.
IRA: Yeah, but the orphanage isn’t going to be started, like next week, so, you know.
DAN: But she’ll have to sell her virginity thirty, forty times before she can…
IRA: There is your problem.
DAN: So if you have thirty vaginas, you are set.
[FIFTH CALLER]
FEMALE CALLER (AMANDA): Hi Dan, my name’s Amanda, I’m calling from Anchorage, Alaska, 25, recently married, my husband and I got married on Halloween
IRA: Pause for a second. They got married on Halloween? What is –
DAN: Seems weird.
IRA: It seems weird. OK, let’s keep going.
DAN: It’s Anchorage. It’s a weird place.
IRA: I feel like in Anchorage you have permission to be whoever you want. It’s more American than America. [Dan laughs]
AMANDA: – this last year, and then we finally moved into our new apartment – yayyy!! – so the reason why I’m calling is because my husband, he’s a big huge flirt and I understand that and I originally told him that I thought that I could handle that, you know, that he could flirt and text other females – it was supposed to be strictly texting, you know, to let him do whatever, you know, I just told him that I would prefer that these other women would be not in this state and that, you know, none of them were one specific female, which thankfully he’s not talking to her, but he – [hesitates] he started talking to his ex – the chick he was with before me, and
IRA: Pause the tape again. I don’t even know what her question is yet, we’re still in the middle of this call, but listen to how upset she is, and I hate this guy, like, I feel like whatever her question is going to be, my answer is drop this loser. Alright, let’s keep going
AMANDA: When we got together he said he had ended it with her and he didn’t want anything to do with her except for her son, who is not biologically his, but that he did help raise, and I said, OK, that’s understandable. He has started flirting with his ex and I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I want to talk to him about it but I know that if I try to talk to him about it, if I try to bring it up in any way then he’s going to get pissed off and get really mad. My husband has, when he gets pissed off at me, or like if I do something to piss him off then he’ll do something to piss me off or hurt me in some way and it sucks, you know, trying to get over that, but it’s, I want to talk to him but I just don’t know what to do. And you know, talking with his ex the way that he is – she’s an ex for a reason and he married me, not her. I don’t know what I should do, I love my husband, I don’t want him doing this any more, but I’m too afraid that if I say anything then he’s going to get pissed off, or you know, something else is going to happen
IRA: I mean I think it’s really clear what she needs to do – do you want to start?
DAN: She needs to dump the motherfucker already. DTMFA. This is not a relationship, it’s a hostage situation. You need to get the fuck out, get the fuck away from this guy. The deal you hammered out with him where you hate the flirting but you OK’d it so long as it was limited in these ways, and texting, and women outside of Alaska, all this Rube Goldberg contraption you’ve built to accommodate his bullshit – it doesn’t work and it’s not going to work and it’s never going to work and he’s an asshole and you need to leave him. And you’re a fool. You know it’s easy to beat him up in this situation and he should get sloppy around the situation and so should she. This wasn’t really great judgement here, hammering out this deal. She knew who she was, she knew that the deal he laid in front of her – she’s a 25 year old woman – she knew that the deal he laid in front of her was never going to work. You know, did she not bounce it off of Mom, off of her sisters, off of her friends, get their input? You need to cut your losses and go.
IRA: Or, if you want to stay with him the one chance you have is to say look, this is what I want, and I don’t want you flirting with other women, that’s not what I want in the marriage
DAN: He made permission to flirt a condition of marrying at all.
IRA: Did he?
DAN: Yes, at the top of the call, like he’d only marry me if I was OK with the flirting with other women. I knew he was a huge flirt, blah blah blah, but it makes her this miserable. She wanted to be married more than she wanted to be married to him, and so she agreed to this deal with him and it makes her miserable and it’s only going to make her more and more miserable and – she lives in fucking Anchorage Alaska, where there’s 25 men for every girl
IRA: Not any more.
DAN: Well whatever it is now. I’m still seven brides for seven brothers in my head, which wasn’t even Alaska, but that’s what I thought Alaska was. Leave. Leave. There’s got to be a lesser Johnston brother out there for you.
IRA: How is this though any different from the other calls where you’re saying like well, he wants to be non-monogamous, why not be non-monogamous
DAN: Because he’s not being non-monogamous, he’s being an asshole. When I hear these sorts of calls, these sorts of problems, it’s not about the freedom he wants – part of what he wants is to torture this woman. This isn’t just about his freedom to be a flirt and you know, tap into that kind of sexual energy from other people – he found someone who’ll do his laundry, put up with his shit, and he wants compete license, complete freedom, and her misery is part of it for him, somehow feeding his ego. That’s why he’s going right to pushing those buttons, flirting with his ex, and flirting with women that weren’t on the, that weren’t the women that he was allowed to flirt with and in the places he was allowed to flirt with them. He agreed to this shit never intending to honor his side of the deal, in part to make her miserable. This isn’t honest non-monogamy.
IRA: OK
DAN: You know, when it comes to people like Gingrich, when it comes to people like Schwarzenegger, every time there’s someone like Gingrich saying he wanted an open marriage, to his second ex wife –
IRA: I can’t believe that you’re bringing that up. This is what you people do all the time – [Dan laughs] deflect us from the true issues in this country.
DAN: Well when that comes up, people write me. I got letters saying ‘Oh are you happy now? Newt Gingrich was non-monogamous, not monogamous, open marriage’ – Newt Gingrich didn’t succeed at non-monogamy, he failed at monogamy. He was in a monogamous relationship and he fucked it up. He wasn’t in an honest non monogamous – going to someone six years into your affair with Calista “Devout Catholic” Gingrich and asking for an open marriage isn’t non-monogamy done right. That’s assholery and abusing people. This is assholery and abusing people, this isn’t non-monogamy.
[SIXTH CALLER]
Continues from @60 – Last segment! Hurray!
[SIXTH CALLER]
FEMALE CALLER: [garbled greeting to Dan and the at-risk youth] … Hi. I was wondering about something. Could you clarify the “oral sex comes standard” [rule], [to specify] if coming in the mouth does too? Because… [sigh] I’ve been trying SO many times. I used to be good at it, but with my current boyfriend for some reason… I throw up. Every time. A little bit, a lot, I have so much trouble not gagging, and it’s humiliating, and I don’t know how to fix that. If you know how to fix that, that’d be awesome, but I’m just feeling really bad, and I don’t know whether or not it’s okay to take it off the table… Because… It’s AWFUL. Like, REALLY BAD. I know that it’s not fair to do that because he performs oral sex on me, and I’m sure that he gets all sorts of female liquids around and on him… But… I dunno. Could you tell me? [sounds almost tearful] Because, I can try to work on it, I just… I don’t know. It’s kind of, really humiliating.
IRA: Poor honey! So wait, so what I’m picturing is like, you know how in South Park, when… Is it Kyle, who likes the girl, and every time he sees her, he just pukes?
DAN: Uh-huh…
IRA: That’s her situation! Every time she gives a blowjob, at the end of the blowjob, she pukes?!
DAN: And he still wants blowjobs. That would be such a huge disincentive for me, I would be like, “Oh no, that’s okay! I mean, that’s okay.”
IRA: Yeah, I know. I think it just shows… how great a blowjob is… [Both laugh.] …that he still wanted blowjobs after that…
[Both still laughing.]
DAN: Unless he’s a reflexophiliac and the throw-up is part of it for him, which I certainly hope isn’t the case. I actually think, you know, once you’ve brought somebody to the point of orgasm, past the point of no return, your work is done. Where the semen goes? That’s extra credit, above and beyond the call of duty –
[Ira laughs.]
DAN: If that moment, if you eating his come, if him blowing his load when he’s done, if that’s what makes you puke… DON’T SWALLOW HIS COME! You’ve done your bit! You got him off. If you want to, like, pull his dick out of your mouth and let him shoot over your shoulder… that’s what you should do. And you shouldn’t feel at all embarrassed – he’s not not getting a blowjob, he’s getting a blowjob. He came, if you brought him to that point with your mouth and he came, even if he comes on the carpet… [pause] …you did your job. You did your work. Good girl!
[pause]
IRA: You really think this is, like, totally cut and dry, like, totally like, “That’s it, take his cock out of your mouth –“
DAN: Yeah.
IRA: “– at that very last moment?”
DAN: Yes.
IRA: Okay.
DAN: I also think… you know… pull it towards the front of your mouth? … There are people who are allergic to other people’s semen, and, you know, sometimes —
IRA: [incredulous] Oh my god! She might be allergic to his semen?!
DAN: Yeah, but it sounds… It may be him. She said she’s never had this problem with anybody else –
IRA: Hmm.
DAN: — only with him. It could be the shape of his penis, where it hits her in the back of the throat. It could be how he reacts at the point of orgasm, perhaps he bucks or thrusts in a way –
IRA: Mmm-hmmm.
DAN: — that triggers her gag reflex… Whatever it is, she should choke up on the bat if that’s what it takes to make it not go so far in… Or she should, I don’t think that once somebody —
IRA: Wow, I feel like —
DAN: — once somebody is going over the falls, I think you’ve done the blowjob, and then it’s –
IRA: [laughing] “You’ve done the blowjob”?
DAN: Yeah! It’s over! They’re coming! It’s done! And you can swallow it if you wanna swallow it, you can —
IRA: Yeah yeah yeah.
DAN: — let it rest in your mouth and then spit it out, or you can pull the thing out and let it shoot come on your tits —
IRA: Sure. I understand. Yeah. Yeah.
DAN: That’s what you’d let – you’d let him pull out and shoot come on your tits, Ira? [Ira chuckles.] Is that what you’d do?
IRA: Exactly. [Dan joins laughter.] That’s my motto. Yeah. That’s –
DAN: “Pull out and come on my tits.” Ira Glass. It’s over the door here at the studio, it’s in Latin, and it’s very classy.
IRA: [Still laughing.] Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.
DAN: What is… Who is the woman who hosts “Fresh Air”?
IRA: Terry Gross.
DAN: What’s her motto?
IRA: Don’t drag her into this.
DAN: [laughing] What did she ever do to me but put me on her show a couple of times –
IRA: Yeah. And look at you.
DAN: — and talk to me very politely and very respectfully? But that’s not her motto. What’s her motto?
IRA: I’m not getting into it. I… She is lovely –
DAN: She is lovely.
IRA: — and I adore her, and –
DAN: I adore her too! [Ira laughs.] I dunno why I did that. That’s why I’m me and not you, because I would do that, because my mind instantly goes somewhere it shouldn’t go, and it falls out of my mouth.
IRA: Yeah.
DAN: So, thank you so much!
IRA: I had – this was really fun.
DAN: Would you do it again sometime?
IRA: Oh my god, I would do it again next week!
[Both laugh.]
DAN: It’s easier than your show, you’ve got all these producers, you’ve got people running around lining up all these interviews. It’s very complicated, your gig.
IRA: Well, no, though, the problem with my show is that we edit everything so aggressively. Like, there’s a story that’s on this week’s show that I spent, you know, probably forty hours, like, editing and re-editing and re-editing with the producers, trying to get it right, and… You know, so it’s like, way more labor for each hour of material.
DAN: Everybody often asks me, like, the one piece of sex advice, if I give everybody one bit of advice, what would it be, the most important bit of sex advice? What’s your most important piece of —
IRA: Piece of sex advice?
DAN: One single piece of sex advice from Ira Glass, THE Ira Glass Sex Advice Motto, what would it be?
IRA: “Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”
[Music starts.]
DAN: And we’ll leave it there. Two oh six, two oh one, two seven two oh is the number here at the podcast. If you’d like to give us a call and record a question or comment for a future show, please do. Two oh six, two oh one, two seven two oh. Thank you so much, Ira!
IRA: Yeah, this was so fun!
DAN: It was! Yeah, I dunno why this never occurred to me before, I’ve been on your show a bunch, and I do this stupid podcast, and I never thought about – I should’ve been like, “I’ll make Ira feel guilty and ask him to come on my show.”
IRA: No, but I don’t feel guilty, I was just like, “This seems like it could be really fun.”
DAN: Was it fun?
IRA: Yeah, it was very fun. I’m astounded! I mean, like, I know I hear the podcast, but it’s been like a year since I’ve heard it… I feel like I was just, I’m just reminded of just the incredible quality of the questions you get. Each one is like a trip into a total world… This is a really amazing set of questions.
DAN: [pleased] Thank you!
IRA: Yeah.
DAN: We curate them. The tech-savvy at-risk youth do. Two oh six, two oh one, two seven two oh, that’s the number here at the podcast, give us a call. And me and the tech-savvy at-risk youth, but not Ira Glass, will be back atcha next week with another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thanks for downloading it, everybody. Bye! Thanks again, Ira.
IRA: Bye, everybody.
[END]
I am very prone to throwing up when I give oral, so what I do is have a grungy sex towel around and put it on my partner and when my partner orgasms, I let it dribble out onto the towel, so clean up is usually not a big deal.
Dan and Ira are the cutest pair EVER! Can you guys do a podcast where you just shoot the shit for an hour or so every week?
As with a previous commenter, I am also very much hoping to get a link to the Valentines Day show with Mrs. Glass and Mrs. Savage that was mentioned at the start of the podcast. Is this something that could be shared with us, if Dan and Ira do not mind? I’m dying to see it.
The only way this podcast could have been improved is if Ira had read the sponsorship script from Extreme Restraints.
One of my most favorite podcasts EVER. I LOVE IRA GLASS AND DAN SAVAGE! Together, you guys are so funny and witty. Love, love, love. Please do it again!
Oh yeah, I also vote for bringing Ira back again soon. This episode was a real treat. Actually, maybe start sending invites out to other public media crew who don’t normally get to kick back and relax at their usual jobs – tell them how much fun Ira had and see what happens next. My vote would be for Terry Gross or Gwen Ifill to be next at the mic.
I would also add that I think the exchange where Dan said he didn’t really care about his callers’ problems should’ve been edited out. I know, as Nancy said, that Dan does care about the people who contact him for help (even demonstrated in this show by his reaction to the woman with the flirty husband), but that exchange didn’t sound good at all and will almost certainly be put out again in the future by some of Dan’s many detractors as a way to discredit him.
@65 Hahahahaha yesssss!
How could all of you NOT KNOW that Dan was kidding? Tre sensitive! Come on…really?
It was This American Sex Life! Loved it!
The thing that really broke my heart about the Alaskan woman with the flirty husband (aside from everything) was her comment that, when her husband is pissed off, at something she does or at the world,” he’ll do something to piss me off or hurt me in some way.” Honey, if you’re reading this now, that in particular is NOT FUCKING OKAY of him to do.
What is he, five? Yes, mature adults do get angry at people, including for very legitimate reasons. But what they don’t do is go off and deliberately do something to hurt the other person to get “even” in some karmic way. Life isn’t a game, and hurt feelings aren’t something that you keep score of. His behavior is fucked up and cruel and spiteful, and makes me even more convinced that your husband is using flirting with women as a cudgel against you. Real adults can talk about their feelings, even if they make them uncomfortable and vulnerable. They don’t act like spoiled children, breaking their sibling’s toys because he/she was mean to them that day.
Listen to Ira and Dan. A few more years of him refusing to communicate with you and instead going out and hurting your feelings in response to imagined slights will make you feel sad, bitter, and dejected. He is trying to kill your sense of autonomy, and when he’s done doing that, he will leave you for another woman. Don’t let him do that, leave him first instead.