Swoon! It’s Ira Glass, off his perch at This American Life, to join Dan in dispensing both sex advice and fart jokes.
It’s Ira as you’ve never heard him before…
Don’t miss this one.
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Comment on this episode at thestranger.com/lovecast
Choke up on the bat? LMAO.
Here’s guessing that the frigid virgin is neither asexual really, nor is she particular hot.
She’s going to be giving a chunk up to the brothel.
She won’t make 5k
PS: puke tingles!
That was the best podcast ever! Ira really lends an aire of dignity.
I can’t believe that I was listening to a woman refer to others as “females.” Leaves me suspecting that she partially blames the other women rather than her husband for these texting shenanigans.
That was… disturbingly surreal, listening to Ira Glass say “blowjob”.
Officially the best podcast ever. Dan is always better when he has someone there to call him on his shit – rein him in when he starts galloping off in the wrong direction, and not be overwhelmed by him.
Two of my favorite podcasts combined! Thanks for bringing on Ira Glass!
Oh, my gawds! THIS was soooooo funny! I absolutely love the on air chemistry here…and I want to know where I can find a “I’m not straight, but my girlfriend is” t-shirt.
I think something missing from you farting analysis is bottom inequity–which also needs to be taken into account when you mention who farts first in a relationship. I just don’t feel right betraying an amount of squeamishness when my boyfriend farts because I am constantly plunging his ass with my dick. That’s bound to knock something, work something out, make a passage way that air can escape through…whatever. Tops have a lot of pressure to be cool about organic-y butt things.
Pepto-Bismol will actually make you fart less. Too much farting means you have some kind of gut-flora imbalance. Pepto calms it all down. Like magic. Then rebuild with good stuff: fiber, probiotics, less sugar.
Brilliant episode, easily the best co-host ever. Keeps up and adds a number of different angles to each discussion. Agree @5
LMAO @ Lukejoe. So true. Sometimes you have to fight through the pain in return for the pleasure of tapping a nice ass 🙂
I seem to agree with Glass a bit more than Dan. Savage is well spoken and his arguments sound logical, but he lives in a fantasy world…
First of all, as others have noted, Ira Glass brought a much-needed dose of sanity to Dan’s discussions about infidelity. Dan’s constant harping on “she’s going to cheat anyway and sabotage the relationship; opening it is non-negotiable” is a little unrealistic. She CAN learn to suck it up if he doesn’t like it. Lots of people do. If she’s not willing to do that, that’s another story, but that wasn’t her question. She was asking how she might convince him.
I do have a HUGE beef with both Ira and Dan for saying that this woman auctioning off her virginity is a good idea! In what fucking world is it a good idea? This woman has what sounds like zero sexual experience; she identifies as “asexual” because no one’s ever inspired her to have sex, but she hasn’t had any sexual experiences which left her cold, so she knows NOTHING ABOUT SEX. (She may not even be asexual. She’s not equipped to make that judgment about herself.) Sex workers should be confident in their sexuality and love what they do. As a virgin, she is horribly unequipped to be a sex worker (even a “one-time” sex worker). Worse, she sounds naive and idealistic – exactly the wrong qualities for a sex worker to have. She’s going to get taken advantage of, duped, or raped in a situation she won’t enjoy at all. Your advice was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
@LukeJoe: Haha I love it! Can you please tell that to all the straight guys who want anal but are squeamish about butt things?? thanks!
@13 Yeah, I agree that she sounds young and naive, selling her virginity is a ridiculous idea, etc. However, I think asexuals take umbrage at the idea that they don’t know if they’re asexual until they have tried sex. It’s sort of like telling a gay guy, “How do you know you’re gay? You’ve never tried sex with a woman!”
And was anyone else a little disappointed that Dan and Ira didn’t take the last caller’s boyfriend to task for his shitty behavior? She wouldn’t even be calling (in tears, it sounded like) if he wasn’t pressuring her to keep swallowing despite the fact that it makes her vomit. What kind of person would do that? DTMFA.
Is next weeks ExtremeRestraint’s codeword going to be Ira?
I was self conscious and thought my bf never farted but it turns out he is just always leaving the room…an elegant solution!
I loved the podcast with Ira. It was great that he cut into the calls with comments along the way. A little TAL touch. Dan might want to consider doing this in the future because often times the caller will have a lot of questions and by the time the call is over I will have forgotten the first question.
@16- I thought that too, but at the same time, I wonder if she hasn’t been hiding it from him. Maybe she sneaks into the bathroom and runs the tap so he can’t hear, or maybe “always” actually means that’s it’s happened twice, or maybe she’s totally insane and INSISTS on doing it even though he feels bad that she throws up. I have a feeling that you’re right about his being a douchebag, but I can imagine him not being one as well.
Also, sometimes I wonder if Dan really gets to the root problem when people call in about wanting to open up their relationship. Ira’s story about the 13-year relationship is kind of a textbook case, and the girl from the call said something about wanting different “sexual experiences”: people are not having enough sex with enough people before they settle down. I’m in my early twenties, but I don’t feel that I need to have sex with a whole bunch of men other than my boyfriend because I already did before we got together. I don’t feel like settling down and having a monogamous commitment is really a loss for me, because I’ve had a good number of sex partners already and I don’t really feel I need to experience more. The guy Ira interviewed was in his early 30’s and had been in a monogamous relationship for 13 years- I can imagine that he and his girlfriend had had less than 5 other sex partners before they opened it up.
My parents got married on Halloween. Bad situation. It was pretty indicative for a mutually abusive 25 year marriage. Some War of the Roses business.
This Ira Glass character is a charming fellow. I approve.
very good. I can’t wait until this happens again
I was really surprised by Dan’s comments about the people who call in to the show. He basically said that he doesn’t care about his callers and said that if he cared, he wouldn’t play them on the radio! Even Ira sounded surprised by this comment. I am typically not a sensitive person and it takes a lot to offend me….but his comments kind of made me want to stop listening. He is giving advise to people on very personal topics and he has been such an advocate for important issues (particularly young gay students and how “it will get better” for them). To say that you don’t care about your callers and that it is basically for the entertainment of the people listening and not the “one idiot caller” is crazy. Wow. It discredits a lot of what he has said and will make it hard for me to listen to him and respect what he has to say. If you don’t care about your callers, then screw you, Dan! You may sound smart but you lack common sense and that was an asshole comment you made! I almost wish I wouldn’t have heard this podcast 🙁 Now your voice, stories, and rants and raves will just be annoying. On the contrary….Ira is a journalist who genuinely cares about the people he talks to and the stories he covers. Dan’s just a man with too many opinions and a big mouth to voice them all!
PLEASE HAVE IRA ON EVERY WEEK. Its so much fun hearing him unscripted and talking openly about sex!
Suggestion to deal with the sperm/vomit issue that I’ve used to good effect: have your partner wear a condom. Get a flavored condom that doesn’t have a spermicidal coating and use it.
@ 20 – yeah, I agree that a lot of people are not having enough sex when they are young and single, which bites them in the ass later. By the time I married, I had a ‘been there, done that, sucked all the juice out of it’ attitude toward sexual variety, and was ready to explore the different-but-considerable delights of a longstanding sexual connection.
Best. Podcast. Ever. I know that whenever I listen to This American Life, I’m going to giggle thinking about Ira Glass talking about blowjobs and shooting cum on his tits.
Also, the call from the Catholic schoolgirl-asexual-want to sell my virginity for a million dollars to start an orphanage – Mother Teresa wannabe reeked of her personal sexual fantasy to me, not a real situation.
It is a very inspiring post to go through for excellent story about sustainability; food and environment in urban areas. The successful example of urban farming in Chicago can be followed in other cities to make the cities greener and less polluted. I’ve enjoyed reading the interesting discussion.
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Did anyone else pick up on the connection between the girl being dumped at Christian boarding school for who knows how many years and wanting to open an orphanage for kids who feel “abandoned”?
Hello! I’m Nancy. I produce the Lovecast. @24 and 26- when I first heard Dan do his bit about not caring about the callers I both laughed and smirked, because it was a big fat lie. I am constantly cajoling Dan to remember that the show isn’t about each individual caller, but for the entertainment of everyone else. It’ s an argument we have all the time, and I am the bad guy here. Dan was just making a funny. If he could clone himself and give hour long therapy sessions to each and every one of you, believe me, he would.
@32, Thanks, Nancy. I wanted to believe that Dan was kidding. I’ve heard him say outrageous stuff facetiously all the time. I’ve been reading and listening for years, and this really came off as something totally out-of-character and callous. Not smart-ass, not mouthy, not crass. Outright mean.
This American Sex Life.
Ira was such a great guest! I really hope you guys keep experimenting. I’d love to hear some comedians, like Margaret Cho or even someone like Bill Burr… risky maybe, but if the chemistry worked it could be awesome.
Nancy @32, yep, I believe you. I’m a long-time listener and follower of Dan on Slog, and when he said that I-don’t-care line all I could think was “good try Savage, but you’re lying and you know it!” I hope people take the shit-talking with a grain of salt. Dan’s got a big heart.
Sorry, but a sex-negative square like Ira Glass does NOT improve this podcast. He’s a charming guy but all the fun was in the novelty of seeing him squirm.
Thank you so much for having Ira Glass on the show! Please make him a regular!
Loved Ira Glass. Have him back often, please!
This is not a precise transcription – I’ve left out all the ‘um’s and ‘er’s and repeated words. I hope it’s faithful to what they’re saying though. There’s lots of laughing from Dan and Ira – they’re clearly having fun (in case the transcription makes it sound a little dry). Also, Ira talks 19 to the dozen – lots of lovely energy – which makes him a bit hard to decipher precisely from time to time. I’ve inserted [Ira Glass Word Blur] at these points.
Here’s the first chunk:
[begins]
[Voiceover] You’re listening to a Stranger podcast. www thestranger.com
[Dan] This Valentine’s Day, extremerestraints.com would like to remind you that nothing says love like exploring your partner’s kinks. Flowers may wilt, but some kinky new sex toys may change your sex life forever. Save an extra 10% at extremerestraints.com with coupon code GGG. Double that GGG discount if you use it by Valentine’s Day.
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[Jaunty tune, singing]
If you’re stuck in a relationship quandary
Or if you’re looking for sexual harmony
Well there’s nothing you can’t ask
On the Savage Lovecast
[Dan] So whenever I listen to This American Life, on Public Radio International on KUOW in Seattle, whenever the subject of sex comes up, and I’ve been on This American Life a few times, whenever the subject of sex comes up on This American Life they do this warning – you know, this emergency broadcast system alert to parents out there that ‘sex is going to be acknowledged’.
[Ira] Yeah, that’s what we say, we say – oh uh, should I not come in?
[Dan] Yes, yes come on in, here’s Ira Glass everybody
[Ira] I mean, I mean literally it comes out of stations being very nervous about the content of our show because, you know, it’s explaining the experience of being an adult and so occasionally there are stories about sex
[Dan] Because adults sometimes have that sex stuff, and sometimes that sex stuff impacts our American lives and changes them, or throws us for a loop, and how do you do a show about American lives without acknowledging American sex lives?
[Ira] Exactly. And so we were told we’d have better luck getting onto public radio stations if we we just – they said, you know, beep out any nasty words, because, you know, stations would lose their licenses and stuff, but then, just warn listeners, and then [Ira Glass Word Blur] we’re acknowledging that sex happens between adults – there’s nothing dirty, nobody’s going to get hot listening to this person’s memoir about when they were in 8th grade, like nobody’s going to get off on that, so what are we warning them about exactly? It’s not sexy in that way, it just acknowledges – oh, people have sex, and we were told – oh just say that, and I just thought that was so ridiculous, that like
[Dan] You can hear it in your voice when you preface a story with that – that you feel ridiculous and complicit at that moment having to warn adult listeners that this program about adults – adult lives – is going to acknowledge the existence of human sexuality
[Ira] I know, and I feel like it speaks to two things. One is that first of all I think all radio stations in America are I think in a very weird legal situation where they can lose their license over truthfully very vague guidelines over what it’s legal to say on the radio – that’s one thing – and the other – and saying that actually protects them a little bit – and us – and then the other thing is that people listen to public radio assuming that it’s safe for children, and so, you know what I mean, you turn on the radio and what are you going to turn on? So you’ve got your kids in the car and you’re used to turning on public radio and then – many, many emails have been written to our show, just like ‘I turned on the nice public radio and I’m used to like it’s very friendly and appropriate for kids and then you know I turned it on in the middle of
[Dan] [RT: Not sure I’ve got this bit right] What happened to Flick and Flack the Tappet brothers or whatever the hell they’re called
[Ira] Exactly
[Dan] [RT: Not sure I’ve got this bit right] They want you to argue about transmissions
[Ira] Exactly, and then so if adult content comes up it really catches people by surprise. We’re in a Safe For Work environment when you’re on public radio.
[Dan] Funny you should say that it’s never really dirty because I’ve often told people that the dirtiest thing that I’ve ever said – ever – I said on your show. The dirtiest joke ever. Because years ago I did a piece about Terry and I adopting our son, who’s almost fourteen now – so this was before he was born – and it was talking about people’s attitudes towards particularly gay males adopting – and that’s really evolved and changed – there’s a lot more gay male parents out there than there used to be, particularly when we were adopting..
[Ira] Yeah, you guys were pioneers
[Dan] ..and the religious right, their charge, and what we were being told at the time, was that, you know, gay men want to adopt children to rape them. To have sex with them. Because it’s easier to do an adoption than to fly to Bangkok, apparently.
You know I think with humor, and camp, and the gay sensibility, what you do sometimes with those really hateful stereotypes is that you pretend that they’re true and inhabit them for a split second, and it just explodes them, it shows how ridiculous they are.
[Ira] I can’t believe you’re explaining how a joke works
[Dan] Well I feel like I have to
[Both laughing]
[Ira] “Let me explain how a joke works for a second – in case you’re not an adult”
[Dan] I said this on your show without any hesitation – I don’t want to say it on mine without really framing it
[Both laughing]
[Dan] But you know, I said people were asking Terry and I if we were excited about the baby coming and I said, ‘Yeah, Terry’s gotten so loose” – the implication being that I was going to have anal sex with this baby
[Ira] Yeah, yeah, I can’t believe you’re going here explaining the joke – that’s killing it
[Dan] I think you let me do it on your show because you thought most people wouldn’t understand it, that it would fly over their heads? What was your thought process about the dirtiest baby anal rape joke ever on public radio? – beating out that 1996 Fresh Air joke about anal baby rape.
[Ira] I know, the Emmy awards, the [Ira Glass Word Blur] awards we give for best anal rape of infants joke on public radio this year. Well we’ve won it pretty consistently every year since ’95.
What was I thinking? You know I’d be lying to say that I even remember it, but knowing myself
[Dan] I’m hurt, I’m wounded
[Ira] .. but knowing myself I’m sure that what I was thinking was – this is funny and I enjoy this and that’s my job – if it’s funny and I enjoy it, it’s my job to put it on the radio because I’m making the show just to my own taste
[Dan] It’s the proudest moment of my career, next to the Santorum redefinition – the dirtiest baby rape joke ever on public radio
[Ira] That is a pretty good joke. And the Santorum thing. Next to the Santorum thing. Santorum – he’s got that new thing that he announced this week
[Dan] Conservatives United Moneybomb, or ‘CUM’
[Ira] And then on the web – I mean I couldn’t tell – is this a joke website or is it real – the one which is just like ‘CUM’ – like Conservative United Moneybomb
[Dan] He’s fucking with us. He’s just fucking with us now. He knows he’s going to lose. He knows I’m all he’s got [?] – we’re like linked together forever [Ira snorts laughing] – handcuffed together like some horrible buddy movie – the socially conservative gay hater handcuffed to me – and we have to live the rest of our lives with this mutually shared burden – if I have to answer for him he has to answer for me – forever….
[Ira] I love that in your version of the story he even thinks about you for a second
[Dan] Oh I know he does – he did a fundraising letter about me and he’s talked about me
[Ira] Really?
[Dan] For a long time he wouldn’t acknowledge my existence, but you know, playing the Sarah Palin look at how the lefty media has gone after me victim card – he’s been totally hitting it this year.
[Ira] You know how this movie ends, don’t you?
[Dan] We fall in love? and get married
[Ira] Well of course. I know
[Dan] Then I whip up some Santorum IN Santorum, which would be like some kind of rip in the time-space continuum
[Ira] I’m sorry – all I’m thinking about is that on our show, and not on the podcast, that was such a great music cue that you just gave – you’d have like the swelling movie music 9underneath that whole part as you’re talking [Ira Glass Word Blur] I’m producing the non existent music mix of your show as you were speaking
[Dan] We’ll see what we can do. We’ll see what we can drop in.
So I wanted you to come on the show and give a little sex advice, because I wanted to get you back, your family back in the sex advice business. Shirley Glass was your mom, your late mom, and she was, if you google Shirley Glass, the first thing that comes up is “The Godmother of Infidelity”.
[more to follow…]
I..I..Ira….what’s with the stam stam stammering? It is very very dis dis dis distracting. Very un un un un pro pro pro fessional
Ira Glass is a natural for this show, in addition to his regular show “This Alternative American Life” on NPR. Bring him back again and again. It cements his reputation as an ‘alternative’ American.
To woman with flirtatious husband: wow, I second the DTMFA. Not because he’s talking to his ex, but because he is so passive aggressive about your concerns. If you have a problem, and you go to your significant other to discuss it, and THEY INTENTIONALLY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, run. Seriously, that is awful.
To commenter fifteen: but most gay people I know bought into that thinking long enough to have straight sex once, badly.
To Nancy: Glad you said it because you have more clout than I would, and I was going to. Tone of voice says it all, guys.
@31, yes, I noted that too. That issue seemed to be totally left out of the response.
@16, yes, that was really annoying! I can’t believe her stupid boyfriend was letting her go through that. And I doubt she would have been able to hide it from her boyfriend as was suggested, reflexes tend to happen fairly immediately!
Glad to hear Dan’s comment about not giving a crap about his callers was a joke, because it made him sound like a total asshole, and really undermines his message. I don’t think I’ve ever been annoyed by anything else he’s said, but for me this ruined the episode – and I had such high hopes, as I love Ira. Disappointing Dan!
Can someone post a link to Dan & Ira’s mom on the “Valentines Show” ? I can’t find it.
This is the first podcast I’ve listened to. I don’t have a good place to listen that won’t bother folks. Based on comments, I may have to stop with this one. Love Ira. Love Dan. So fun.
Savage burbles on a lot, and sometimes what comes off the top of his head is offensive. That’s part of his charm, it’s why we listen to him – if he were more careful that none of his jokes bomb, he wouldn’t be as much fun. So, Nancy, are you a TSARY? We finally meet one?
@32 Dear Nancy, I want to add my thanks for your clarification about Dan’s seeming dismissal of the real problems that callers have, in the name of “entertainment.” Based on the absolutely beautiful and loving counsel that Dan shared with the 19-year-old of Episode 270, the young man struggling with his “Christian” parents who hated him. Dan taught the essence of Christianity as well as anyone I’ve ever heard. And it is love. The teen later identified himself in a thank-you in the Comments as “Happy One Day.” Please God! And check out the comments on that broadcast. They are, may I say, prayerful. So you can’t fool us, Dan! You are, in the words of Bob Dylan, “more than kind.”
Sorry that my format is not quite the same, I seemed to have misplaced the find-and-replace function on the newest version of Word. (anybody know the keyboard shortcut?)
Anyway.
(TRANSCRIPT CONTINUED FROM @41)
This segment of transcript starts at 7:42 and goes to 13:32.
(Dan was saying, “if you google ‘Shirley Glass,’ the first thing that comes up is ‘The Godmother of Infidelity’.”)
DAN: You have to actually click through to see “The Godmother of Infidelity” research that she actually — I’m the Godfather of Infidelity; no research, just sort of pro-infidelity, that’s my cross to bear. [Ira chuckles.] But your mom was a sex therapist and researcher and wrote books about –
IRA: Yeah. Yeah.
DAN: – about how a marriage can survive infidelity, and she was an expert.
IRA: Yeah. No, she was very pro-marriage, actually, but she –
DAN: As am I.
IRA: Yeah, and she began researching infidelity and did surveys of people, of married people, about who was faithful and who wasn’t. And then her research found a couple of things that hadn’t been really widely thought before that. And that is, she proved this thing that, when you think about it, seems so intuitive, which is that many people cheat on their spouses, but it doesn’t indicate that there’s anything wrong with their marriage. They just want to have more sex. And it had clinical applications, actually, and implications, because one of the things that was kind of standard at the point where she was doing this research was that if you and your spouse go into a marriage counselor, and the reason why you’re going in is because one of you has cheated and the other one found out, and of course that’s a huge trauma if that’s not something you ever agreed on. And, you know, then it’s like, “Are we going to stay together? What’s going to happen?” Traditionally, what the marriage therapist would do is that they would begin with the premise of, “Well, the reason why you were cheating is because you were unhappy with the marriage; let’s talk about that.” But she found in some – it’s been a while since I’ve read this research – but it’s like in a third to a half of the men, it doesn’t indicate that you’re unhappy with the marriage at all. It just indicates, like —
DAN: That you’re horny.
IRA: Yeah.
DAN: And that you wanted some variety.
IRA: Yeah. You’re a human being, and it’s possible to want sex with more than one person for the rest of your life, and —
DAN: We put it into people’s heads that, you know, if you’re in love, that you don’t want to sleep with anybody else. And so if your partner did sleep with somebody else, or if you desire to sleep with somebody else, that means you’re not in love anymore.
IRA: Yeah.
DAN: That’s how we’ve come to understand it. And that, just having that out there destroys marriages.
IRA: Yeah, yeah.
DAN: “He cheated on me, he can’t love me.” Or, “I want to fuck somebody else. I must not love my spouse anymore.” And that’s not the way it works.
IRA: Yeah. Yeah. It’s interesting, because what would happen in therapy, she found – and they did surveys of therapists about this – is that because, by forcing the partner who cheated to kind of come up for a reason for what was wrong with the relationship… And the partner would say, “Well, I don’t know if I’ve got any complaints about the relationship,” well, you know you can always find something, right? But really, like, that wasn’t the reason why they were cheating, what it would do is it would take the focus off what the couple needed to talk about, and that was the fact that one person lied to the other. Like, that, in fact, is much more profound than banging somebody else. And it would stop them from dealing with the trauma of that. Like, that actually is way more destructive.
DAN: And the person might have to pretend that there’s some serious flaw in the marriage where there is no flaw in the marriage. It’s just, you know, buying into that could damage the marriage.
IRA: Yeah, the fact that the whole therapy would be organized around like, “Okay, now let’s talk about what’s wrong between the two of you,” when in fact it’s possible that the marriage was just [fine]… You know, [in] every couple, there are things where you’re bugging each other, and if you pick at it, you could find a thing to break up over if you wanted to, but —
DAN: That’s why Terry and I fight all the time.
IRA: Is that true?
DAN: Well, a little bit. You know, we had friends who never fought, and then they had their first fight and broke up. And we always thought our relationship was not as good as theirs because we bicker and fight all the time, and then we realized that, “Oh oh ohhhhh, if we ever have a breakup level argument, we won’t realize it, because it’s just one more tree in the forest of bickering and arguing and fighting, and it’s worked out pretty well thus far, and – “
IRA: That’s funny, because Anaheed, my wife and I – and I don’t know, maybe this is too personal to say publicly, but here we are – like, we started going to a counselor because we didn’t fight with each other, like we both were like very well behaved, and neither one of us was super comfortable with it —
DAN: You should’ve come to me and Terry. [Ira laughs.] We could totally help you out. [Both giggling.] We could point out all the things that you should be fighting about, we’re very good at uncovering them.
IRA: And what would be your method? Would one of you, like, take each of us and —
DAN: Yeah.
IRA: — you would be our coach. Like, Terry would get Anaheed, and you would get me, and we’d review our material –
[Both laughing.]
DAN: That’s right. We’d find things, we’d coach you, we’d write some lines…
[Still laughing.]
IRA: And then we’d get in there and fight, and we’d come back into the corner –
DAN: We’d be like reality show producers. [Ira laughs harder.] We’d be right outside of camera range, feeding you lines and shots, until it was just a screaming shit show.
IRA: Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, so we felt like, you know… I mean… I feel like we needed to work up to the normal thing, of like, we can actually confront each other about the stuff that bothers us –
DAN: Are you fighting now?
IRA: Yeah. We did it.
DAN: Congratulations! Welcome! [Ira starts laughing again.] Welcome to the marriage club. That’s how it works.
IRA: Yeah?
DAN: It’s fights and conflicts and major issues that you ignore, all leavened with the occasional orgasm. That’s a marriage. [Ira chuckles.] So. I want you to get back into the Glass Family —
IRA: You should write vows. [Both laugh.] “All right, here’s what you’re getting into. Here’s the list.” [More laughing.]
DAN: I want to get the Glass Family, get you back into the sex business, so you’re going to take calls.
IRA: So my mom was a marriage therapist and a sex therapist, and —
DAN: And a really very respected one. Very prominent.
IRA: Yeah. Yeah.
DAN: And she died a few years ago —
IRA: She passed away a few years ago, yeah.
DAN: — just around the same time my mom did.
IRA: Yeah.
DAN: Our mothers made an appearance together, actually. At a Valentine’s Day show.
IRA: I know.
DAN: That was so sweet.
IRA: Fifteen years ago. On stage. Yeah, yeah, your mom, your nice Catholic mom at the dirtiest show. On stage.
DAN: [laughing] And your nice Jewish mom at the dirtiest show.
IRA: Yeah, my mom was generating some of the dirty material because she had all this, like, sex stuff she had to talk about. She sort of gleefully really enjoyed being, like, somebody’s mom, somebody’s sixty-year-old mom onstage, you know, looking like a nice Jewish-y mom from the suburbs, and then having like the worst potty mouth in the world. It was like one of her bits.
DAN: She and I sparked. She said a woman’s biggest sex organ is between her ears, and I looked at her and said, “How do you get your dick in there?” [Both start laughing again.] And you have the film, you showed the film once, and she looks at me like, “I’m gonna deck this guy! Where did you get this guy?” [more laughing] “Who is he? What research has he done?” Like, none! Somebody gave me a column, so I’m [… sorry, can’t quite make out, trails off under Ira’s laughter.] So, I’m gonna play some calls!
IRA: Great!
DAN: We’re gonna, like, give some sex advice.
IRA: Great. Great.
DAN: You and me together.
IRA: Great!
DAN: And we’re gonna start out with something really classy.
[FIRST CALLER.]
Ira Glass & Dan Savage – – – like HUNTLEY & BRINKLEY!!! Please do this again and often!!!! I LOVED it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (You both balance each other.)
Thanks so much MarleyBarley. MarleyBarley is a very competent transcriber, so I’m adopting the much better format. Here’s the next call:
[TRANSCRIPT CONTINUES FROM 50]
FEMALE CALLER: Hey Dan, I’m a 20 year old in a semi serious relationship that I’ve been in for a few months and I just kinda want to know your personal etiquette on farting in a relationship. I personally fart a lot more than the average person and they’re not particularly pleasant, and I’ve kept it from my boyfriend for a while, but I fart in my sleep, and it worries me so much that I actually get no sleep when he stays over and he stays over kind of a lot, and it’s just kind of become a problem that I would like to solve, and I just kind of want to get a feel for how you feel about that, because I feel like it’s a problem that a lot of people face, but it’s kind of taboo, so no one really talks about it, and I know it’s not a very sexy question but I think it’s real.
DAN: OK, this is where it gets real, Ira. Farts.
IRA: I have literally never had a conversation with anyone about this. Or heard one.
DAN: I think you should do an episode about it.
IRA: This is actually something you can’t put on the radio.
DAN: You can’t put a fart on the radio? You can’t say ‘fart’ on the radio?
IRA: You can’t put scatalogical content. No, [literally ??] this is unbroadcastable
DAN: You are kidding
IRA: No
DAN: An anal baby rape joke is broadcastable
IRA: Well, one that you’d have to be sort of awake to, it’s sort of like I think if you cared about, if you care to be offended about that joke about your boyfriend being too loose you probably wouldn’t get it or it would just go right past you, [Dan laughing] so like that would slip by you in the cover of night.
DAN: Alright, so we can do this on the podcast but we can’t do this on the radio.
IRA: Thank god for the internet
DAN: Yeah, that’s what the internet’s for. Porn and fart jokes. So what should this person do? What would your advice be? When do you start farting in front of somebody? I think that’s when you know it’s love, like as soon as you’re comfortable enough to –
IRA: – to fart. I think that, like my rule of thumb, and I’ve never talked about this out loud, would be – farting in a bed with somebody else seems gross, but farting in your sleep – like she’s worried about farting in her sleep – I feel like you totally get a pass on that. [Dan laughs] Like I can’t believe – because you totally can’t control it. You totally have like a total cover. So –
DAN: She does, and she can make a dutch oven with that cover. You can take a pass on any of these questions, I just wanted to like, throw you off the Savage Lovecast deep end of like gross, weird, scatalogical questions, because any one you don’t want to answer you can just say.
IRA: Oh no, no I”m here to talk. [Dan laughs] I feel like I don’t have good advice, because this is one, like I am too uptight to give good advice for, I feel like – so what’s your advice?
DAN: My advice would be first of all to look at your diet, like if you have terrible gas all the time, maybe you have a gluten intolerance or something – maybe you need to shake it up – not that you shouldn’t fart
IRA: Oh, you’re saying get rid of the gas, you’re trying to –
DAN: Minimise the gas
IRA: You’re trying to medicinize this problem –
DAN: No I’m not trying to pathologize this poor woman – girls can fart, guys can fart, everybody farts – there’s a book – ‘Everybody Farts’ right? But you know, if it’s that noxious that she’s so self conscious about it and it goes on all the time and it’s terrible – maybe there’s a diet thing.
IRA: There’s a medication called GasEx and there are knock-offs that aren’t the name brand that we have to get for our dog [both laugh] – not because he farts but because the gas builds up in his stomach and he can’t sleep, and so then he keeps us awake, so for us to sleep we have to buy the dog this over the counter prescription, so in my local pharmacy I’m constantly buying these boxes – we give him three pills a day and I feel so like – this lady thinks I have such a farting problem.
DAN: Gawker hasn’t picked up on this yet? They haven’t turned you in – the pharmacist?
IRA: No. [Laughing] So –
DAN: So she might want to try GasEx.
IRA: There you go, this medication –
DAN: But you have a pass in your sleep.
IRA: But I feel like by medicinizing this question you yourself are bypassing the like – when do you cross the farting barrier in a relationship – like when do you –
DAN: 12 weeks.
IRA: 12 weeks?
DAN: 12 weeks. Three months in.
IRA: So like the calendar page turns and then – but isn’t it the sort of thing where whoever farts first –
DAN: Farts loudest [Lots of giggling ensues] Let’s do the next one.
IRA: I just want to say that whoever supplied this question –
DAN: It’s a real problem
IRA: It’s a real problem – I agree, but wait, I feel like we haven’t given her any practical advice on what is she supposed to do now.
DAN: I don’t remember what her question was.
IRA: Her question is –
DAN: I wasn’t even interested in her question – I just wanted to hit you with a fart question right off the top – to see you you’d react.
IRA: Where is the caring? Somebody comes to you for advice, and you just use –
DAN: I don’t care
IRA: You just use her as a bludgeon to hit me
DAN: That’s the thing, I really don’t care about these people and their problems – if I cared about their problems I wouldn’t broadcast their questions – you know, if somebody sends you a letter and you put it in the column, that’s not caring.
IRA: Wow, you have such a, such a… Wow, I’m surprised. Cos you seem –
DAN: You’re not there to help – you’re there to entertain, and sometimes the help is collateral, but the help happens, but you know, I get letters every day from people who have a problem, this very serious problem, but I answered a similar question two weeks ago so I can’t use it – and I go like digging through the email for a question I haven’t answered in a while, or ever.
IRA: Right. So you can’t care about that.
DAN: You can’t care about that, and you have to have, sort of a, like
IRA: You only can care about the person listening.
DAN: Right. Who’s the column for? The one idiot with the problem or the –
IRA: Or the three idiots listening.
DAN: Or the three idiots listening. [Both laughing] Thank you for that. Here we go!
[SECOND CALLER]
I much prefer Lucy to this episode’s co-host. Can we have more Lucy and less Woody?