Savage Love

Once again, Savage Love is given over to
letters from readers who made the largest donations to the campaigns to
preserve marriage equality in California (www.noonprop8.com), protect same-sex
couples in Florida (www.sayno2.com), and defeat Stephen Harper
in Canada (better luck next time). I neglected to ask readers to donate
to the campaign against an anti-gay-marriage amendment in Arizona (it’s
not too late: www.votenoprop102.com), because I
am a bad, bad man.

When I met my girlfriend, she
had recently quit smoking. She knew from the beginning that smoking is
a deal breaker for me, but despite the encouragement from me and all
her friends, she keeps having “lapses.” I haven’t dumped her over this
because we live far apart at the moment. However, I feel firmly that we
can’t take the next step—one of us moving to be with the
other—until she kicks this habit for good. She has always
insisted that she wants to, and she knows how much smoking bothers me.
But at what point will I know if she has finally quit? My fear is that
there will always be another “lapse” coming. She is so great in every
other way that I don’t want to blow her off prematurely, and I want her
to quit for her own health, too. Am I being an unreasonable
perfectionist?

Do Not Use My Name

Here’s my bought-and-paid-for advice, DNUMN:
Beware the smoker who stops—or “quits”—just long enough to
convince you that her smoking days are behind her and then, once you’re
living together or married or otherwise hopelessly entangled, suddenly
experiences one final and everlasting “lapse.” Be clear and up front,
DNUMN: Smoking is a deal breaker if she moves across the country to
live with you, it’s a deal breaker if you marry her, it’s a deal
breaker now, it’s a deal breaker forever.

I don’t have a question. I
have a story to share. My parents had an unusual strategy for sex
education. Instead of picking a day to have a birds-bees discussion,
they first explained all the mechanics of the penis/vagina/uterus/baby
when I was 6 months old. This was to give them practice. Then, as I got
older, any question I asked that was moderately related to sex resulted
in me getting the whole of the penis/vagina/uterus/baby story
again.

Fast-forward to sophomore year. While
playing a drinking game, people were asked to retell the story of when
they got The Talk. But I never got The Talk because I grew up with it.
So on winter break, I demanded The Talk from my dad. He came up with a
few quips—sex is easy, sleeping in the same bed is hard. But the
next day my mother pulled me aside.

“So I understand that you and your father
had a conversation yesterday,” my delightfully WASP-y and cheerful
mother said.

“Um, yeah—”

“I want you to forget everything he said and
remember this. Whatever you’re doing, do it slower. Whatever you’re
doing, do it softer. And whatever you’re doing, ask more
questions.”

She turned around and walked away as I
picked up my jaw from my floor.

J.

I don’t want to contradict your mother, J.,
but for the record: Some folks like it fast and hard, and prefer the
barked orders to the thoughtful questions. But thanks for
sharing….

I am a bisexual woman in a
nonmonogamous marriage with a lesbian. We met one Sunday afternoon
through an ad in our local alternative newsweekly. It was supposed to
be a booty call, but Jennifer is so smart, witty, and plain good that I
had to have some more of her and her milky-white breasts.

The sex started off fantastic—and
eight years later we’ve had lots of sex toys, some gents and ladies on
the side, and a few sex parties, and we are just as passionate and
creative in bed as ever. We respect each other’s sexual autonomy as
well as our own relationship. Domestically, we are very compatible and
even agree on how to spend our money: good causes, traveling, and a
Tempur-Pedic bed. Things are fantastic. My question: How can I be any
more smug?

Holly

You’ve stumped me, Holly.

I’m an American man but I’m
writing from Canada, where my husband and I live. Please remind
everyone that even though defeating Prop 8 is vital, getting rid of the
federal “Defense of Marriage Act” is equally important. My hubby cannot
live in the USA with me until DOMA is repealed no matter what happens
in California. Many people don’t get that state and federal marriage
laws are two different things.

Okay, here’s our pressing question: What is
the proper threesome etiquette once the good times are over? What do
you do with your third? I say we should roll over and make room in the
bed, while my husband thinks we should (nicely) toss the guy out. What
say you?

Married And Gay In Canada

I’m with your partner, MAGIC, unless…

If it’s pissing rain outside or freezing
cold, or if you live in a neighborhood that’s unsafe to stroll through
alone at 4:00 a.m., or if your third ditched his friends—and his
ride—to come home with you, MAGIC, offer to let your third stay
the night. But no third worth inviting back will accept, of course,
because a good third knows to say thanks and get out—or eat it
and beat it—so that his hosts can decompress, check in with each
other, and resume the open, flagrant, unselfconscious farting that
characterizes all long-term relationships.

Could you mention my recycled
T-shirt website, Teecycle.org, in
the column? Here’s how the site works: Every day I post a new (used)
shirt. Each one costs $7 and a dollar of that goes to restoring urban
rivers.

Tim Cigelske

I don’t see the connection between urban
rivers and used T-shirts, Tim, and urban rivers are in serious trouble
if we’re restoring them one-dollar-per-used-T-shirt-at-a-time, but
thanks for the donation and here’s your plug.

Well, hey, that was fun! But next week I’ll
be selecting letters using my tried-and-true method: Sit in a bar, read
a few hundred e-mails, respond to ones I find
interesting/appalling/nauseating. And to the hundreds of folks who made
donations and are waiting on personal responses from me: I’m
overwhelmed. Perhaps I should have made the cutoff for advice $100, not
$25. I’ll get to everybody, I swear, but it’s going to take a week or
two. But everyone who made a donation will hear from me before we all
go to the polls on November 4 and vote for Barack Obama.

Download the Savage Lovecast (my
weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger
.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net