Some time back, my friend and I stole an ice cream cake from the local Dairy Queen. We walked in, took the most delicious looking cake, and then walked away and down the street. The manager came out, I remember, and just sort of stood there with his hands in his pockets. He didn’t say anything while he watched us walk down the street. We didn’t say anything to him, either. The Dairy Queen soon closed and the building remains vacant to this day. My fault, probably.

18 replies on “A Note to Our Readers”

  1. Gosh I have no idea why you’re all liberal, what, with the fact that each and every one of you are fucking thieves.

  3. Balt-o: Thank God. I thought I was the only rule-governed dweeb here. Although, I doubt “never” is true for either of us. I mean, I’ve made mix tapes and CDs and given them to friends. The RIAA is probably after me.

  6. Were you a 30-something wannabe hipster at the time of the incident? Had you made a name for yourself yet as a writer who happened to be a finger-wagging twit? Did people call you a hypocrite?

  7. One time, in band camp, Bernie Madoff told me he never stole anything at all.

    But then his friends wasted everyone’s time on SLOG and posted a lot of moronic things so that we could be distracted from things that actually mattered.

  8. I’ll be honest here. I’m thinking of becoming a thief. I don’t plan on stealing from every day citizens…folks who work/worked for AIG and Enron and the like, yes, but not from the hoi paloi. I don’t plan on stealing from small business owners, only the big business ones that took bail out money. I also plan on stealing from Republicans, I didn’t vote for them therefore they do not represent me, they represent former President Bush. I did not volunteer to fund their pork barrel projects. I can’t steal from Democrats since I voted for them, and their pork projects, so I more or less volunteered that money.

    Yes, I plan on stealing back everything that was stolen from me in the form of taxes. I plan on going through each and every tax return and tallying up exactly how much I’ve lost over the years to Corporate Welfare Whores and President Bush’s Vanity War in Iraq. If I see any unattended property belonging to the federal government, I’m going to abscond with it. From my point of view, I paid for it and therefore I own it.

  10. Dear Unpaid Intern,

    You’re so unappreciated.
    I bet it’s tough being the unpaid intern amongst such a staff of grand-standing, show-boating journalistic rock-stars.
    That’s more drama than anyone should have to bear. I mean, you’re just trying to learn the ropes and make your way in this unforgiving line of work, right?
    That’s crap. You deserve better than that.

    Hey,…
    Tell us what REALLY happened. What was the meeting like when they all decided what today’s plan would be?
    Is there going to be a coup or something now?
    Is anyone going to get fired?

    Maybe YOU can write a funny article that tells the whole sordid tale.
    That would sure get you some readership.

    Good luck!

  11. this better not have been the normandy park dairy queen. where can i get a blizzard now that its gone? nowhere. there is nowhere nearby. because of you.

    ps – permalink and other links to this comment page fail. it’s tough being an intern.

  13. @2, 3: Add one more to the never-shoplifted camp. Once when I was 6 I stole some change from my brother’s piggy pank, and when I was 9 or 10 I took some temporary tattoos that belonged to a friend’s little brother. I’ve watched pirated movies, but never downloaded them myself. And… that’s it.

  18. Lenny, Your attitude tells us of a child that instead of getting a bit dirty and joining in, instead decided to scoff at the more interesting.

    Random Intern person:
    The cake proprietor was sad that you made his day shitty.

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