Like Kelly O, I was driven to shoplift by an adolescent need for art. Unlike Kelly O, the subject of my stolen art was not some busty floozy, but a skinny celibate Brit, who’d conquered my soul and psyche as the lead singer of the Smiths. Unfortunately, at this point in history, Morrissey and the Smiths were being covered primarily by British pop magazines, which were gorgeous and glossy but imported and prohibitively expensive. My 15-year-old solution: Carefully remove desirable Morrissey and Smiths pages from expensive import mags, then carefully slide them into a less-expensive American mag, which I’d then happily pay full price for.
This was a great plan until it wasn’t, and eventually a day came when I was walking happily out of a magazine/drug store and heard the dreaded voice of the plain-clothes security guard, who’d witnessed the whole thing and who escorted me back to the terrifying—TERRIFYING!—manager’s office. He threatened to call my parents, which is when I brought out the waterworks, apologizing, practically flagellating myself (Morrissey would have been proud), and eventually, cracking a joke: “I’ll mow your lawn for the rest of your life if you don’t call my parents!” The weeping-and-wisecracking combo ultimately paid off, and I was sent on my way with a stern warning and ignorant parents.
Thank you, nice security officer. If a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side would be a heavenly way to die.
(Also, thanks to fittingly monikered Shakespeare’s Sister for the mag-cover pic.)
ADDED BONUS: A special song for a special day, from a very special band. (Thanks for the reminder, Kid Icarus.)
Thanks for the confession, David, and thank you even more for not going to make living self-righteously wagging your finger at people from your moral high horse.
“Adolescent.”
Not that it makes any difference.
Morrisey and Pete Burns! Why wasn’t I aware of this photo before now? You have done your good deed for the day, David Schmader. Now get back in line behind Dan with the rest of em before you get a spanking.
Wouldn’t “Shoplifters of the World Unite” have been just slightly more appropriate in this circumstance?
I jaywalk regularly.
+1, @2
The difference between the stealing committed by her co workers? All of them were youthful indescretions.
Erika is in her 30s.
So many good stories. Best Slog day ever.
Whatever the magnitude of her transgression, bundling up people’s “when I was 12 I stole a candy bar” stories with ECB’s is somewhat like comparing a toddler soiling his diaper to a grown man doing the same in his Hanes.
Nice work on the headline. Puts it into perspective
@7,
Frizzelle’s wasn’t. Care to keep lying?
#11,
Frizzle took a Christmas tree ornament off a tree in a public park.
Continue to cheer lead. I find it funnier than some of the trolls.
@3: I’ve read the article. It’s amazing.
@7: I believe she’s more like 28 or 29.
That can be a tough age as more of your peers start bringing home 6 figure salaries, buying homes, and starting families while you are single and stuck in a low-paying, dead-end job.
Certainly sheds some light on where this this post came from.
3: Morrissey came out swinging hard for Dead or Alive back in the day, pronouncing their Top of the Pops performance of “You Spin Me Round” the most significant moment in British cultural history since some 1800s shit, and they became friends of sorts after that. (Burns sang backup on the Smiths performance of “Barbarism Begins at Home” (a terrible song) on some Brit tv show.)
10: In all fairness, Savage coined “shoplifticus,” but failed to use it in his post, so I STOLE IT.
@12,
And Geoghagan stole a couple of coffee cups, combined worth more than twice that bottle of wine. But keep up the sour grapes and lying. It indicates nothing shitty, petty, and idiotic about you.
I did the same thing with Playgirls, but never got caught…
Thanks to all the haters and trolls who hate the Stranger but continue to read and post. Nothing drives ad revenue like readership and web hits.
Keep The Stanger alive! Keep on hating! Plus if you die with hate in you heart, you go to hell. So I think this whole wine thing is a win for everyone. Except for Erica who is appearantly being stalked.
@16,
Do they pay you to defend them?
What have I lied about?
My point: Erica and everyone else not still a teenager should be old enough to know better.
@12: So what IS your personal yardstick of moral transgression? If they were in their minority it doesn’t count? If it was theft from public property it doesn’t count? It’s only this one woman making this transgression that counts? Perhaps she should die for all our sins…
Pete Burns I could live without.
@22: I could live without Pete Burns’ current incarnation, but What I Want totally validates his existence.
#21,
My personal yardstick is that I don’t steal things because I am an adult.
Nice video.
@24: That’s not an answer, of course.
Remember when these shitheads said all she had to do was acknowledge it and they’d stop?
Hey Fnarf (#22) – Pete Burns has lived without you thus far, the feeling appears to be mutual.
#15 – I was a huge fan of DOA and The Smiths in the mid-80’s, but didn’t know of the connection until now. Thank you! Seriously though, shouldn’t you stop reading your post comments and get back in line behind Dan with the other Stranger staff before you get in trouble?
#13 – I’d love to read that article. Gonna google for it this afternoon!
@27: Where exactly have they acknowledged it? All I see is a lot of personal confessions and a new ‘political’ ECB post.
@29: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…
I’ve stolen Slog for the last three days with a non-story that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans because ECB isn’t a public official (although she is irritating) and it’s not anyone’s business what she did off the clock…
@27 Fnarf we did not say “just acknowledge it”… we wanted a full explanation, an apology, an act of contrition, a taking of responsibility for her foolishness…
You know..
Anything at all beyond simply “acknowledging” it happened.
We all KNEW it happened. That much we discovered ourselves.
We are looking for her to come down off her high horse and admit she fucked up.
Erica acts better than everyone ALL the time. Her prima donna personality and absolute belief in her superiority don’t lend well to her taking responsibility for her indiscretions.
You know Fnarf, nobody could have anticipated this ill-conceived attempt to paper over the incident with these silly stories of adolescent shoplifting. The contrast between a kid being stupid and a 30 something shoplifter just puts it into an even worse light.
@32,
No, that’s what you said, because you want your “pound of flesh,” i.e. to take revenge on ECB whose very existence apparently makes your tiny pee-pee shrivel to an even smaller size. The world does not revolve around you and your petty little desires, you fucking narcissist. Now get lost.
I want your LOVE -AHHHH-ah-ah-ah-ah-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I love when Stern sings this song every few years or so.
@30: Thank you, I completely missed that one in this swamp of confessed teenage indescretions.
@33 I agree. this makes the whole lot of them complicit not just Erica Barnett. Laaughable
@32, the only reason I can see why anyone would want “an act of contrition” is mental illness. WHY DO YOU CARE? Do you follow the private lives of every Slog writer? Why? What did Erica do to YOU, specifically?
I stole $50 billion dollars from thousands of investors whose lives have now been ruined by my actions.
And you know what? If, given the chance – I’D DO IT AGAIN! IN A FUCKING NEW YORK MINUTE!
But, at least I’m not THE FACE OF EVIL, like this Erica people here keep talking about.
Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!
Since when has jaywalking been a crime?
Everyone in the U Dist and Fremont does it all the time.
Heck, even on Capitol Hill they do it …
oh, and @27 for the win.
I used to steal magazines in the 80’s, too. Except mine didn’t feature celibate british pop stars, they featured naked men with hard-ons. I swear to God I would have bought them if I could, but I was only 16 at the time. I had no other option.
NO!
I am shitheadicus !!!
@24 – Jeff, you drive a hummer don’t you?
@32 – Who’s this We you keep talking about? It’s certainly not me. Maybe elenchos and this cafepuppy (wtf name is that?) person, but not the clear majority of people who seem to be commenting.
@37 – What’s most funny is that I’m laughing at you. And elenchos, but that’s a given.
I think the point people are trying to make is that The Stranger has no problems digging into the personal lives of others (sometimes at high costs) and so commenters are using the slog as a pulpit to remind The Stranger that yes, this shit hurts all of us. And just maybe, the next time you folks want to be jerks, you’ll think twice about it. I’m sure we all agree that Erica’s personal life is none of our business. But please remember how much uncomfortable all this made Erica next time you folks publish about somebody else’s personal life.
Donolectic,
Nope. I, like Erica, take the bus and ride a bike.
Keep defending her honor. I hear White Knights are rare on the internet.
@37: you mean that Erica’s friends and colleagues might stand by her after a minor transgression? Scandal! My monocle broke in shock.
the main troll commenting is a business owner who has a beef with Erica for trashing his establishment. i don’t have the time to check to see who this is but triangulating the content, style and punctuation of posts here, on CHS and the Weekly blog makes it pretty obvious this troll feels like Erica wrongly insulted his business and now he’s out for revenge. good luck with that buddy!
I stole his heart.
But then he stole it back, 13 years later.