Following yesterday’s ear-yanking wanker comes today’s absentminded ear mauler, courtesy of Hot Tipper Sarah:

Today at the paint store where I work, a disgruntled customer came up to the register and told me he didn’t want to use water-based finish anymore because it was expensive. As I explained that since he was already using water-based, oil-based wouldn’t adhere, he took his car key, the big kind with the unlock buttons on it, and began to dig in his ear with it, pulling it out every so often to look at it. I told him “that’s kinda dangerous” and he stopped, looked at me vacantly and said “oh…” as if he had never heard that before. He wiped the key off on his jacket and we went back to talking about wood refinishing products. He left with a quart of water-based finish.

David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...

4 replies on “Another Day, Another Man Getting Funky with His Ear”

  1. I had a coworker who used a large paperclip to clean his ears at work. He also cut his nails at his desk. He thought my loud and vociferous objections were silly.

    Surprisingly, he was single, despite his concerted efforts to date every single female temp who cycled through the joint.

    *shaking head*

  2. I was going to say “well, at least this guy wasn’t jacking off in the paint store,” but then I realized maybe he was. OK, never mind.

  3. she should have offered him one of those flat ended & pretty sharp paint can openers so that he could pry out all of his inner ear shellac.

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