Recently, while visiting the Vancouver Aquarium, I became aware of the existence of a very large fish. This fish is inappropriately large.

The arapaima, pirarucu, or paiche (Arapaima gigas) is a South American tropical freshwater fish. It is one of the largest freshwater fishes in the world.

The diet of the arapaima consists of fish, crustaceans, and other small animals the sweet flesh of the pure of heart. The fish is an air-breather, using its swim bladder, which is rich in blood vessels and opens into the fish’s mouth, an advantage in oxygen-deprived water that is often found in the Amazon River.

Are you listening? This superfish is not content with its underwater mud-nest! It breathes AIR. That means it could be anywhere (i.e. YOUR HOUSE). Have you checked your house for Arapaima?

To give you an idea of the size and danger of this fish, here are some scientific documents I have collected (AT THE LIBRARY, SINCE YOU ASKED):
befe/1241755405-giantfish.jpg
0ec7/1241755434-ohshit.jpg
1cff/1241755454-ohfuck.jpg

See that catfish? The one peeing its pants at the bottom? No, you don’t! Because that catfish is ACTUALLY THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS. (Arapaima is incredibly big!)

In closing, I would like to stress that Arapaima has a “bony tongue.” Swimmers, beware the bony-tongued Arapaima.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

81 replies on “Arapaima Makes Me Uncomfortable”

  6. Move over Golub. There’s a new science writer in the house.
    I’m asking myself, is that fish perhaps committing a hate crime by virtue of its simply existing?

  8. My friend and I were looking at this exact fish at the Vancouver Aquarium once, and all of the sudden it did something with its head that to this day we are unable to explain. For just a moment, it seemed like we were seeing its head from all possible angles– like it had entered the Fourth Dimension. It was an indescribable thing, and I have never trusted these fish ever since.

  9. “Worst Lindy West post so far”? Are you saying that you’re not terrified of giant, bony-tongued fish? I don’t believe you.

  10. I THINK SOMEONE NEEDS A BONY ASS TONGUE SOMEWHERE (APHGHANISTAN? LINDY WEST’S HOUSE’S ASS? LINDY WEST? 15TH AND JACKSON? MADRONA PARK? SHIT DIS IS HARRRRD. LIKE A BONY ASS TONGUE)

    THOUGHT YOU’D SNEAK SHITTY SHOT SHIT BY ME LINDY WEST? I’LL DABAIT YO ASS TOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

  11. Lindy – consider this: Inappropriately size SUSHI! Hold your place at the top of the food chain, Lindy. If we humans have learned anything, it’s that we can eat any species out of existence. Bring it with the wasabi and soy sauce and that fish will be running back up stream screaming “uncle” with it’s bony tongue!

  13. Eh. Maybe it’s over-large, but it looks tasty. I bet it would cook up pretty good with some salt and black pepper.

    Now the fish that haunts my nightmares is the candiru. Let’s just say that there is at least one documented case of a candiru having to be surgically removed from a man’s penis.

  17. Perhaps Congress should waste its time and investigate said fish for possible steroid abuse and then suspend it for 50 games…

    Oh and @5, thanks! I can never go into the ocean again.

  19. THANKS, Lindy West. I live disturbingly close to the Vancouver aquarium, and now am no longer afraid that I am going to die by hobo. Clearly, it’s going to be the giant hell-fish.

  20. that fish is the sole reason i visit the vancouver aquarium. in fact i plan on visiting arapaima crew next week!
    P.S. did you see the coelacanth?

  21. Lindy, I for one am happy that you have brought this monstrosity of nature to my attention. I may never go in or near water again and from now on I will throughly check any and all tolits for huge beady red eyes… thank you I am now in a hightened state of terror…

  24. We have a couple of these critters in our too wonderful for an ex-slave state Dallas World Aquarium.

    They keep them in the same huge tank that they keep the Amazon Dwarf Manatees, to which they compare favorably in size.

    You enter the Aquarium through the top floor, where there’s an Amazon tree canopy exhibit, from which you can look down to view the Manatees grooving on the surface. It’s quite a sight to see a similarly sized FISH cruise up out of the depths.

    But don’t fear the Arapaima.

    It’s awful damn big, but too small to lunch on you, unless you’re a small child or H. florensies (a Hobbit) or already dead. Notice that there are Hobbit-sized fish swimming right along with the monster. If they were in any danger, in a captive environment, they wouldn’t be there.

  25. “Arapaima has a “bony tongue.” Swimmers, beware the bony-tongued Arapaima.”

    Please tell me the Vancouver Aquarium allows visitors to swim with the fishies for an additional fee… .

    This may an entirely new and profitable revenue stream for them ’cause who doesn’t like curious bony-tongued anything.

    Makes swimming with dolphins seem almost Republican by comparison.

  26. RP, there are about 100 different reasons why skinny dipping in the Amazon is a bad idea. That fish isn’t one of them.

  31. i am hoping you can give me some graphic design tips for our website’s new layout. i really like what you did with the gaint fish laser eyes.

  35. Lindy is approx. 8 thousand times funnier than stupid Perez Hilton. So I don’t care if he draws on his pictures, because it can’t possibly be this awesome.

  44. Ooohhh! Those fish are easily the most memorable part of the Vancouver aquarium, in part because the sight of them is so disarming.

    They look like they’re made of brass.

  46. Ok, but what about the Frilled SHARK? http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/…

    It’s so ugly because it’s from the bottom of the ocean where there’s no light.

    It makes me scared to swim in the ocean even though the ocean’s really big, because it’s like when there’s a tiny turd at the bottom of the pool that probably doesn’t really matter, but it does.

Comments are closed.