Figured I’d clean out my voicemail, what with the end of the year approaching and all. Turns out I missed an important call:

Received Sunday, Dec. 4 at 1:55 p.m.

Yes, I was reading your article at The Stranger, saying that the wealthiest of this state pay no income tax. NO ONE IN THIS STATE PAYS INCOME TAX! Are you guys in that paper that much of a big fucking idiot you can’t get your story straight? Or are you just trying to rabble rouse a bunch of idiots—idiot kids—and brain dead stoners who have no clue about anything that’s going on in this state. You seriously have got some serious issues. Why don’t you try printing the truth for once instead of this communist propaganda?

Time for a poll!

Eli Sanders was The Stranger's associate editor. His book, "While the City Slept," was a finalist for the Washington State Book Award and the Dayton Literary Peace Prize. He once did this and once won...

34 replies on ““Are you guys in that paper that much of a big fucking idiot you can’t get your story straight?””

  6. It would be super-sweet if every paper copy of The Stranger came with a few freshly-printed 20s or 50s stuck in the middle.

    Who needs offensive tobacco advertising??

    PRINT MONEY PLS

  8. Property deeds to the untaxed nonprofits and foundations, assigning ownership rights to Seattle’s homeless Citizens.

    Also, I pay federal income tax, SS, medicare, even if my tax rate is 9.8 percent because the system is rigged for massive savers and investors. Not for US job-creating consumers or the US small businesses that create the jobs.

  10. I’m hoping that by the new year, we poor of this country will rebuke the dollar in favor of exchanging wooden dowels for goods and services.

    But if that doesn’t happen, you should definitely start printing money.

  15. @1: “last time I checked I live in this state and I pay federal income tax.”

    Yeah, dude is either really stupid or too rich to sully himself with what the commoners do every April.

  16. If you do start printing fortune cookies, please go back to printing actual fortunes, instead of advice or observations. I don’t need to know that I should listen to my heart or hear about priceless children-smiles. I want some good old fashioned “You will meet a dark stranger after a long journey” cookies.

  17. @10: “I’m hoping that by the new year, we poor of this country will rebuke the dollar in favor of exchanging wooden dowels for goods and services.”

    Reminds me of the conservative politician who said the solution to our health care crisis was that “like in her day” the poor should just give a doctor ten eggs and a chicken for their services.

  20. @15 – or he hasn’t ever had an income and doesn’t know any better.

    @13 – Ummm, I’m gluten intolerant and vegan, sooooo, yeah, a Rice Krispie burrito isn’t going to work for me. Instead, I think I will make an all-vegan rice-Krispie fajita using quinoa-based tortillas, and a yummy zuchinni, squash and lentil fillings, seasoned with saffron. The Rice Krispies will add a great texture to the fajitas in this seasonal delight, while I smoke Salvia out of a bong with a blowtorch I made out of a broken propane lantern. Thanks for the tip!

  25. I had some fortune cookies laying around and last night when I got home from my 20 mile bike ride I opened one up and it said “You need to improve your exercise routine.”

    WTF? That’s the worst fortune ever. Not only is it bitchy, I just had a very nice bit of exercise that I do consistently. And it doesn’t sound cool with “…in bed.” on the end. What a crappy fortune.

  27. If you guys had compostable “plastic” spoons, you could totally compost them after using them for rollers.

    But then, that’s what we do in real places.

    You take the toilet paper out of the SPD bathrooms.

  28. That whole Tax the Rich argument is sooooo 2010. Here it is over a year later, and we’ve already moved past Eat the Rich and onto Smelt the Rich.

    Do you clean out your voice mail every fourscore years or is that how often the caller cleans out the complaint file?

  29. Fortune cookies. And all of them should say either “You will find happiness with a new love” or “Stick with your wife.”

  31. I just can’t get past “you seriously have some serious issues”. that’s a really great line. which I why I voted for the 5th option. hoping his kick-off column is titled something along the lines of “You Fucking Fuckers Are Fucked Up! (Make Me A Sandwich)’

  32. Yes, I was reading your article at The Stranger

    I’m sure they were glad you stopped by, but it really wasn’t necessary. They have it on the Internet, and they also print up a bunch of them and leave them all around town, so you can get your own (it’s free!) to take home and read there.

  33. I’m glad so many of you want the Stranger to print fortunes, if they printed money, we’d end up with in flation and no one would be happy about it. (As opposed to now, of course. )ll

  34. actually i think you guys should have a page dedicated to the best criticisms of this sort, every week. this one in the “From Dad” bin. “grow up, stoners!”

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