Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love. They only have the capacity to desire croutons. I, being a person, do have the capacity to feel rage. And when you spread infinity croutons across the grass outside MY house, for the purpose of making pigeons love you (WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN), I become enraged.

Let me be more clear. When you do this:

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(infinite croutons)

This is the direct result:

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(infinite feces)

To paraphrase Ellie from Degrassi: TNG, this is what your pigeon obsession does to me, old person! This is what it costs!!! I now have to walk upon feces-encrusted streets through a feces-encrusted world. Because of you and your delusions of pigeon love.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

33 replies on “Attention, Old Person in My Neighborhood Who Thinks Pigeons Are Your Best Friends”

  1. This reminds me of what the naive liberals in Seattle do with all the homeless bums and crackheads and heroin junkies for some reason.

  3. Who’s responsible for that grass? Is it city grass cared for by city crews, or is it your grass that you tend to? I mean, you’ve got a gripe either way, but the answer to the above sort of determines if it’s a legitimate gripe.

    Pigeons are nice as an abstract concept, but the reality of their awful poop is another thing altogether.

  5. Someone feeds peanuts to the crows in the park near my house. The crows bring them to my apartment and drop them from the roof to crack them open, so I get steep back stairs covered with shells.

  6. Yes!

    Next time Mr. Savage starts calling for the heads of every goose in the region I’m going to refer him to Lindy West. Every turd you see began as bird food provided by some litterbug or bird-feeding kook.

    Same with rats and raccoons and such vermin. It’s all about the food chain. It’s all about YOU and what you throw away, dear reader.

  7. My annoying neighbor in NYC did the same damn thing. Fucking pigeon shit everywhere. I couldn’t even park my car on the same block because it would be covered in shit within 10 minutes.

    I couldn’t get her to stop feeding them either because she didn’t speak one word of english (or if she did, she annoyingly pretended she didn’t).

    Damn that pissed me off. Would she feed wild snakes too? Bears? Alligators? Don’t feed wild fucking animals, any of them, period!!!!

  13. In light of the fact that we have taken these lands, it seems reasonable that wildlife herein should either be licensed or driven out.

  23. Yes, we need to kill off all the birds. Let’s kill off any animal we find disturbing. You know, animals whose feces pollutes or world. Our pristine world that us humans have kept so clean and feces free. I think there is something else bothering you. BF probs?

  24. I generally hate birds, but I saw one fly over my backyard this week with a mouse (or similar sized vermin) in it’s claws. I may have to reevaluate…washing the windshield only took a flick of my wrist.

  25. This problem can be solved with a garden hose outfitted with a high pressure nozzle. By this problem I mean the neighbor, the food, the birds, and the shit.

  29. I happen to be British and am quite capable of dishing out the love. However, having been to trafalgar square I completely understand your pigeon rage. Therefore I’ll let this slide…this time…

  32. The worst part of putting out lots of bread for birds is that they never eat it all and rats freast on it after dark. I have a neighbor like this who puts out whole loaves of day old bread and the corner is crawing with rats around midnight.

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