What the fuck, babies? What’s the matter with you? You aren’t hungry? You think food is a joke? Milk doesn’t grow on trees, babies. I mean, why even bother eating? Why bother eating that milk if you’re just going to firehose it all over daddy’s mustache? Do you think mustaches grow on trees? He spent a lot of time on that mustache, baby. Growing it, combing it, trimming it, stroking it. Now it’s full of your sour stank stomach milk and there’s no washing that shit off. You are an inconsiderate peasant and if I could take back that peekaboo game you roped me into in line at Safeway yesterday I WOULD. Babies.
Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more.... More by Lindy West
Babies are awesome. Hopefully this will discourage some of you moody basket cases from having kids.
jesus god. i’m going back to bed.
Two things that most bug me about babies: Their spitting up like 90 percent of what they eat/drink. Their perpetually clammy hands.
And their noises. Their foul, wretched noises.
Here’s a thought: to make cheese, you need fresh, unpasteurized whole milk and stomach acid from a calf (or the modern replacement ingredient). With a breast fed baby, I think you’ve got everything you need right there! Human cheese?
at 5: ew
I’ve never been a fan of babies in theory. In practice, when they are somehow connected to real human adults I care about, I guess they can be pretty cute. But as an idea of babies, bleh, gag me with a spoon (I just had some milk?)
WHY DOES SO MUCH COME OUT AT ONCE
I love my (baby-free) life! The only vomit I deal with is the kind I create with booze.
Lindy, I’m so sorry the baby threw up on your moustache.
Oy, for days after she was born my youngest daughter puked on me every time I held her. The three-nozzle kind of puking: two nostrils and the mouth. She’s cuter now.
Sheesh, people … that’s not even puke, it’s milk spit-up. It’s probably immediately after they ate, so it doesn’t even smell.
For what it’s worth, I have gotten a faceful of my kid’s flu-puke. Now THAT was disgusting.
Stupid, stupid baby.
anyone got a good dead baby joke?
babies. they open their mouths and puke falls out.
oh, man. this one has been a favorite for a long time. I’m pretty sure that everyone at works thinks there’s something wrong with me based on how hard and loud I laughed when first watching this.
Lindy,
Your shit is hilarious. I wish I would have chatted with you after our show. We could have gotten married. I bought a ring and everything.