Here we are in the midst of Super Tuesday and I just found out that, in the unlikely event that Hell freezes over and Americans elect Romney in November or a load of Santorum to lead our nation, our gentle neighbors to the north will not be offering all us hand-wringing liberals and butt-fucking gays political asylum.

Fret not: I’m currently researching which countries do still offer special visas for American liberal cowards. Just in case.

Former Stranger news writer Cienna Madrid has been a writer in residence for Richard Hugo House, a local literary nonprofit. There, she taught fiction classes and wrote 4/5 of a book about a death-row...