Sent this week to I, Anonymous:
So you read an ad on Craigslist. An apartment had been abandoned and the manager was inviting everyone to come at take what they liked. Someone was being punked and you wandered off to find the place. Your stupidity didn’t fail you. You got the wrong street. You were a block off. You kept true to your stupidity by not realizing there is a difference between a house and an apartment. They keep the apartments in apartment buildings. The houses are just right there.
So you come into my house and see my Great Dane. Had you been a guy she would have ate you. You would now be a pile of dog shit. But because my giant dog has a soft spot for the ladies, she let you live to call animal control and say a dog had been abandoned and had no food. Your slow brain worked that out when you saw a big empty food dish right next to a big dish of water. Did you know that an empty dog dish is not reflective of a dog not getting fed? It is a sign that she has not been fed in the last 60 seconds. When there is food in the bowl the dog eats it. Therefore you have an empty food dish all but 120 seconds a day.
Then the brilliant people at animal control show their brilliance and tell you to take my dog to the vet named on the collar. Maybe they are your relatives? If they had any common sense they would have realized that they were telling you to commit theft, a nice add on to the trespass you committed all by yourself. Apparently some patient soul had taught you to read well enough to sound out the name of the vet on the dog’s tag. You take my dog out of my house and deliver her to the vet. The vet calls me to tell me it appears I have been punked and people are likely emptying my house as we spoke. At least they had enough sense to know the difference between a real ad and one where someone is fucking with someone.
I had to call the police, haul ass home, and then up to the vet to get my dog. Fortunately nobody else made the dumb-assed mistake you did and robbed the right apartment instead of my house. So your stupid insistence that a dog had been ABANDONED with an EMPTY FOOD DISH caused the animal shelter folks to “OPEN A CASE” on me. Once I explained that you are simply a stupid ass they said they would close it. As soon as it is closed I get to get a copy of it and find out exactly who you are. My lawyer is already waiting for a promised explanation from the animal shelter folks. Then we get to figure out who committed the second felony of the day (kidnapping) , you or the animal shelter folks or both? And we see where we go from there. Should you be worried? Yep.
